Chapter 5Asher （fall, senior year of high school）
Asher (fall, senior year of high school)
It was the Fall Classic, and the Vipers were riding high on a blowout in the semifinals. We’d stomped one team after another and walked into the championship like our shit didn’t stink.
Well, it did. It stunk really bad. The Hawks were practically putting us over their knees and giving us a spanking.
Hmm…that’s actually kind of hot.
Honestly, getting spanked by those big assholes from Delaware would have been so much better than the ass kicking they were handing us.
It was tied in the second period with two minutes left.
I lowered, bracing myself for the face-off.
The hyperawareness I usually felt on the ice was obliterated after two periods of being run ragged by the Hawks.
My limbs sagged with the heat of exhaustion, and sweat drenched my entire body.
I felt like a swamp. A sticky, damp swamp.
The Hawk’s right winger stared into my eyes, a look of intimidation twisting his handsome features into an image of pure menace. He bit down on his mouthguard, causing his left jawbone to flex from the clench.
My eyes zeroed in on the constellation of freckles stretching across the bridge of his nose. It reminded me of my freckles, which Ross said he liked.
Ross was the dude I was seeing. He’d been at Rowan’s party, but I didn’t have the wherewithal to notice how handsome he was because I was too busy getting kissed by the love of my life and trying desperately to act like it wasn’t a big deal.
It was.
But I couldn’t let hope for something more with Theo seep into my heart. He was my friend. Period. He kissed me because he was being a drunk idiot, and that’s all it was.
However, the kiss ignited something within that I couldn’t keep locked inside anymore.
My body ached for affection, and I needed to find someone I could actually connect with, or I’d do something stupid like try to kiss my best friend again.
I wasn’t necessarily looking for a relationship; I just wanted someone I could be real with, which prompted me to create one of those cryptic down-low profiles on Grindr. The picture was of the back of my head, donning a backwards baseball cap.
We all love a backwards baseball cap, right?
That’s how I met Ross. We were the same age, lived close enough that seeing each other regularly wasn’t a huge inconvenience, and he was hot as hell.
Fortunately, it seemed like he felt the same way about me.
Did I feel that spark of something monumental when I was with Ross?
Not really, but it was so nice to not be alone for a change.
He was way more comfortable with his sexuality than I was.
He’d come out when he was sixteen, and I admired his courage.
I wished I could be that brave—to just say fuck it and be me without giving a rat’s ass what people thought about it.
I just wasn’t there yet. Ross possessed a level of self-assurance that made me weak in the knees, and that’s where I usually ended up when we got together.
On my knees.
I shook the thought of Ross’s perfect cock out of my head to focus on the game. The game we were inches away from losing.
Inches. All nine inches…
Fuck! I had to get it together. How could I be that distracted during such a pivotal game?
The puck hit the ice, and their center swiped it from me. I cursed myself for being so distracted. What the fuck was happening to me? Losing a faceoff? Thinking about dick during a game? My horny ass was about to cost us the Fall Classic.
He passed it to their left winger, but Cody was right there, defending hard.
They battled fiercely along the boards. Cody managed to take control of the puck and then passed it up to Rafael, who was streaking toward the net.
Just as Rafael approached the crease, a defenseman came in and checked him, causing him to lose possession of the puck.
I was already racing to help and scooped up the loose puck, but the same defenseman hit me with his shoulder.
Pain shot through my side from the hit, but I maintained control of the puck.
Our sticks clashed as we battled for possession.
I used my shoulder to push him off just enough to make a quick pass to Cody.
Cody took a shot, but it deflected off the goalie’s pad. The defenseman who had hit me earlier grabbed the puck and skated around the corner.
Rafael covered their center to prevent a breakout, so Cody and I skated after the defenseman, but he quickly reversed the puck and passed it to their right winger.
The winger carried the puck around the net in the opposite direction, and the shift’s momentum caused the ice to spray as I stopped and changed directions.
Cody and I worked together to try to cut him off before he got around the corner, but he then made a quick pass to their center, who promptly hit a crisp breakout pass to the defenseman.
In a flash, the defenseman rushed toward our zone. I pumped my legs, backchecking with everything I had, but it wasn’t enough.
They scored just as the buzzer sounded, ending the period with us down by one.
* * *
The mood in the locker room was somber. It was the first time the Vipers had made it to the finals in the Fall Classic, and to lose when we were so close was devastating.
I couldn’t pay attention to Coach Hughes.
He was half-admonishing us for playing sluggishly and half trying to lift our spirits, which left a weird feeling in all of us.
Were we sucking or doing our best? It felt like the former, and I kind of wished Coach would just lay into us and give us the tongue-lashing we deserved.
I looked at Theo because we usually connected in moments like that and spoke silently to one another, but his eyes were downcast with disappointment. Fuck, we were in bad shape. When Theo was depressed, you knew shit was dire.
Coach wrapped up whatever he was saying, and I rose to consult with Theo, Cody, and Rafael. Cody took Rafael by the hand and led him to the far end of the locker room, out of sight from the rest of the team.
I don’t know why, but something told me to follow them. They’d been acting so weird together. One moment, they despised each other, and the next, they were looking at each other like…
Wait a minute.
I crept toward them, trying to ignore the chatter of my teammates and listen to what they were saying.
I casually leaned against the wall that was shielding them from the rest of the team.
Cody was saying something, and then the speaking stopped.
Heavy breathing replaced their conversation, and I rounded the corner to see them making out.
YES!!!!!!
“I fucking knew it,” I whispered-screamed.
They parted instantly and looked at me with abject terror in their eyes. Rafael’s hand slowly found Cody’s, and my heart nearly melted.
I closed the distance between us and whispered, “I want to hear everything when this is done.”
Cody put his hand on my shoulder, a look of fear and desperation mixed in his eyes. “Please don’t say anything.”
I can’t even describe the giddiness coursing through me. I would have done a cartwheel if I knew how to do one.
I’m not the only gay one on the team!
Well, I was, at the very least, not the only one who liked dick.
I had no idea how Cody and Rafael defined their sexuality, but I didn’t care.
The relief that swelled in my chest nearly took my breath away.
It felt so good to feel safe. It was as if a mask had fallen away, and what was revealed was a person bursting with hope.
I mimed the zipping of my lips and smirked. “I have things to confess myself.” I gave them both a playful wink.
I could tell they didn’t quite understand what I meant, so I decided to lay it on thick and whispered, “Let’s beat these fuckers, then talk about the dicks we’re all sucking back home, shall we?”
Their eyes grew wide, and, to be honest, I was shocked I even said it. It was so out of character for me. I guess my intense joy over seeing them together ignited the courage I never knew I had.
* * *
We won the Fall Classic. It ended in a tie-breaking shootout with Rafael scoring the winning goal. The three of us played the best game of our lives because we were so relieved to have each other. It’s hard to hide everything, and nobody knew that better than I did.
When we got back home, the three of us decided to meet in a diner that Rafael liked in downtown New Rochelle to talk.
I was getting my first taste of how small the gay world was because, when I showed Cody and Rafael a picture of Ross, Cody’s eyes grew to the size of flying saucers, and Rafael turned beet red.
My boyfriend had put the moves on Cody at Rowan’s party, and Rafael almost killed him.
Boyfriend? Was Ross my boyfriend? We were “hanging out,” but I didn’t know what that meant.
Regardless of our relationship status, it was very clear from Rafael’s face that there would be no double dating anytime soon.
Rafael spoke through clenched teeth. “If that fucker gets anywhere near—”
But Cody cut him off. “Oh, shut up, Rafael. It was nothing, and you know it. If he’s seeing Asher, then you’re going to be sweet as fucking pie, and that is final,” Cody replied.
I was getting a full dose of possessive Rafael and, I kid you not, it was pretty scary.
Rafael’s eyes widened, and Cody’s narrowed in response.
The look on Cody’s face made Rafael deflate instantly.
He released a strangled grunt and nodded, acquiescing to Cody’s demands.
Cody patted him on the leg, like he was petting a dog, and then Rafael leaned his head against Cody’s shoulder and nuzzled into his neck.
Damn, Cody has him so fucking whipped. He needs to teach me his ways.
“He’ll be fine,” Cody added. “You should bring him around! We can all hang out.”
Yeah, that wasn’t happening, but I just smiled and nodded. I wasn’t about to let Ross go anywhere near Rafael, who still looked like he wanted to rip Ross’s heart out of his chest and devour it like a wild animal.
“Are you going to tell anyone?” Cody asked me.
A cold shiver traveled down my back. The thought of coming out was still too much for me. Maybe in college, but I couldn’t now. My home life was a wreck, and I didn’t want to lose Theo.
It hit me like a ton of bricks that the thought of Theo finding out was more terrifying than anything.
How would he react? Theo’s a big cinnamon roll, but he’s also the biggest man-whore I’ve ever known. Would his one- track mind be able to comprehend the idea that I wasn’t into his favorite thing in the world: pussy? Would it be awkward?
No, I couldn’t let him find out. “I wasn’t planning on it. Please don’t tell Theo,” I begged.
“We won’t say anything,” Rafael replied. “We’re not exactly being very loud about it either.”
Cody nodded. “Yeah, it’s not the gay thing we’re worried about, but the stepbrother thing might freak some people out. We’re so close to graduating, anyway. Why put up with weird high school bullshit when we’re about to go to college, right?”
“We plan to go to college together and tell people we’re dating, but maybe omit the stepbrothers part,” Rafael added.
I hadn’t even considered the stepbrother aspect.
It was a double scandal for them. It wasn’t like New Rochelle was a particularly conservative town, unlike other places in the United States, but people love some good gossip no matter where they live.
I’m sure simple-minded parents and peers alike would have a field day with the hot goss of stepbrothers dating each other.
“Yeah, I don’t want to deal with juvenile high school crap either,” I said. “Which is why I appreciate you keeping this between us.”
Cody smiled and reached out to hold my hand. “We’ll help each other.”
His touch sent a wave of heat soaring up my arm, welling in my chest. It was new to do something like this out in the open. My eyes scanned the area, hoping nobody noticed.
Cody saw and drew his hand away. Shame consumed me as I mourned the loss of his comforting touch. I felt like such a coward. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“Don’t be,” he said. “It’s new for all of us. ”
Rafael leaned in and said, “We’re all figuring this out on the fly. We’re allowed to be a little scared.”
Cody looked at Rafael with big, glassy eyes. Once again, he looked like a cute anime character, like Sailor Moon swooning over Tuxedo Mask. “I’m so happy you’re going to therapy, baby.”
Rafael turned bright red and whispered, “Shut up…”
He bumped his shoulder into Cody, and the two of them started chuckling.
Witnessing it was the most wonderful feeling imaginable.
I was thrilled for them, and their relationship gave me hope.
I so desperately wanted to find something like that for myself.
To have that person in life who just gets you must feel glorious.
Ross was a nice guy, but I knew we weren’t more than just a fling. He didn’t give me the ache that emerges when you love someone so much it almost hurts when you’re not together. I didn’t melt into his embrace, wishing I could stay there forever.
Only Theo does that for me. Maybe I’ll find someone who gives me that same feeling someday—someone who isn’t crazy about girls.
I leaned back on the booth and took a deep breath, my mind racing with the possibilities of a life free from fear.