Chapter 26 #2
Maybe it’s better this way. This way Kit and Lydia won’t have to deal with my warped, curse-ravaged body. I close my eyes and wait for an end that doesn’t come.
Instead, just as black is starting to wash over my vision, we surface. The seaweed vines drop me onto hard, damp stone. I splutter and writhe, my whole body aching as cold, musty air flows into my lungs.
I’m lying on an outcropping of rock in what seems to be an underground cave, the queen standing a few feet away. To her back is a narrow slash of an opening that must lead to the ocean, and before us, a great pool of water stretches out.
It’s bounded by sharp boulders, and more rocks rise up from its surface.
The walls and ceiling are stone too, as high overhead as the peaked eaves of the Seaman’s Bethel; I don’t see the end of the water, just a maw of darkness on the other side.
And the only reason I can see anything at all—the water glows faintly green when it ripples, like the chamber beneath the Spout tavern where a lifetime ago Silas asked me to end whaling.
It casts eerie, shimmering light over the queen as she slips into the glowing water and lifts herself onto a nearby boulder, the better to watch me.
“How can all be well?” I ask her, surprising myself as I push myself shakily to my feet.
IT IS SO IF YOU LOOK OUTSIDE YOURSELF, she says.
She seems more comfortable down here somehow; her voice isn’t as harsh and jarring.
The cave swallows its echoes and renders it almost lovely.
IN A HUNDRED SHORT YEARS, YOU WILL BE GONE AND FEEL PAIN NO LONGER.
IN A THOUSAND YEARS, MAN WILL BE NO LONGER AND THE EARTH AND SEA WILL BE AS THEY WERE.
The words shouldn’t be reassuring, but somehow they are. I feel my heart go quiet, like I felt as a child when my mother pulled the covers up over me, kissed my forehead, and blew her candle out.
The hazy bloodlust of the heartbreak seems to recede down here with no one to target. My words still come out in a harsh, hissing croak, but the queen seems to understand when I speak. “You said I could offer a bargain to be healed.”
I SAID YOU CAN TRY, she says. THE CURSE ON YOUR BLOODLINE IS OLD, BUT THE WILD ONES HAVE GIVEN ME THE POWER TO brEAK ITS BONDS.
“The Wild Ones?” I ask distantly, too tired and afraid to feel much curiosity.
PRAY YOU NEVER HAVE TO TROUBLE YOURSELF ABOUT THEM, LITTLE ONE. NOW, THE PRICE.
That flicker of hope bubbles up in me again.
I try not to look directly at it, not to let it grow too strong.
“Name it and it’s yours, anything except the people I love,” I whisper.
“Anything in my power to give.” Which is precious little right now, but maybe there’s something I can do for her, some favor.
DO YOU THINK YOU DESERVE FOR THE CURSE TO BE LIFTED FROM YOU?
My breath catches, but I don’t have to think about my answer; the truth spills out automatically. “No. I have too much blood on my hands.”
Guilt feels far beyond me now, and I’m almost grateful for it.
More and more as the heartbreak takes hold, it seems the monster has three states of being—anger, fear, and a kind of coiled anticipation in between moments of anger and fear.
It renders me more animal than human, but also shields me from what I distantly sense would be a crushing weight of shame.
I wait for her to react, and when she doesn’t, I go on.
“But it’s not for me that I ask to be healed.
It’s for my brother and sister. I’m meant to care for them.
” I pick my words carefully, hoping to choose the right combination that will convince her, if such a thing is possible.
“If I lose my humanity, they will have no one. They’re innocent.
Even if I don’t deserve healing, they deserve a protector, and that’s why I’m asking for your help. ”
The queen slips from her boulder and slides into the water without a splash, just a ripple.
I faintly see the silvery shape of her moving through the water, then she surfaces very close to me, straightening to a standing position in the water.
To be so confronted by her full height makes a lump of fear rise in my chest again.
YOUR CANDOR AND YOUR BOLDNESS PLEASE ME, she says at length. SO HERE IS YOUR PRICE. IN EXCHANGE FOR LIFTING THE HEARTbrEAK CURSE FROM YOU, I WILL TAKE YOUR LOVE.
I blink, not following. “My love? What does that mean?”
I HAVE LIVED A LONG TIME, MINNOW, AND EMOTIONS ARE TO ME NOW AS RAINDROPS ON MY FACE.
THEY LAND GENTLY AND ROLL OFF IN AN INSTANT.
Her voice sounds more and more like a song the more she speaks, yet a creeping dread steals over me as I process her words.
ON THE WHOLE, I THINK THIS A MUCH PREFERABLE STATE OF BEING.
YET ONE DOES MISS THE HIGHS AND LOWS OF FEELING.
LIKE SALT, JUST A FEW GRAINS OF IT MAKE A FISH MORE DELICIOUS.
My heart speeds as I consider this. “And when you take love from a person, they stop feeling it? And they wouldn’t remember the person they loved anymore?”
NOT QUITE. The fins around her face flare and wave as if ruffled by a nonexistent breeze. THEY WOULD KEEP THE MEMORIES OF THEIR BELOVED, ONLY STRIPPED OF ALL WARM EMOTION TOWARD THEM. THEY WOULD REMEMBER EVERYTHING, BUT FEEL NOTHING.
I swallow, my mind suddenly full of memories of Silas. The longing in his eyes when we danced together, the shuddering weight of him in the tide. “And I can choose who to stop loving?” Remember everything. Feel nothing. It sounds like peace.
OH, MINNOW. Somehow it sounds like there is genuine pity in the queen’s unearthly voice. THIS IS A PRICE FOR YOU TO PAY, NOT A REWARD FOR YOU TO REAP. COME HERE.
A deep-running prey instinct tells me not to get any closer to her, but her voice is too commanding not to obey.
I move forward, dragging my boots against the rock, and the ice-cold water moves farther up my calves.
My feet are numb with cold and dread, yet still I move until I’m within arm’s length of the queen.
YOUR LOVE, MINNOW, AND ALL THAT GOES ALONG WITH IT, WILL REMAIN YOURS TO BEAR. She reaches out, lays the tip of one sharp finger against my chest. I WANT THE LOVE THE OTHERS HAVE FOR YOU. WHEN YOU TOUCH THEM NEXT THEIR LOVE WILL BE TAKEN. YOUR brOTHER.
My stomach drops.
Her fingers skim along the top of the water, beckoning. YOUR SISTER.
“No,” I croak.
AND SILAS PRICE.
Tears start running down my cheeks. “I said I would only pay the price if it didn’t bring harm to my siblings.”
IT WILL NOT. She smiles serenely at me as my breathing quickens. WE WILL KEEP THEM SAFE IN DREKJA, ALONG WITH THE REST OF YOUR HUMAN FRIENDS. THEY SHALL NOT BE HARMED.
She leans closer. THEY DON’T NEED YOU. YOUR SISTER IS NEARLY A WOMAN NOW. SHE CAN MANAGE WITHOUT YOU. YOU MUST REALIZE THAT THE PERSON PUTTING THEM IN DANGER HAS BEEN YOU THIS WHOLE TIME.
“My siblings wouldn’t agree that this is harmless,” I say through tears.
FORGET NOT THAT I CAN SEE YOUR HEART, she says, each word falling on me like a blade.
YOU ANTAGONIZED THE HARGREAVE BOY KNOWING IT WOULD PUT THEM AT RISK.
YOU LET THEM STAY ABOARD THE HERALDER BECAUSE YOU COULDN’T BEAR TO BE WITHOUT THEM.
YOU ENDANGERED YOUR FRIENDS THOUGH YOU KNOW YOUR SIBLINGS CARE FOR THEM TOO.
She pulls me in closer. DO YOU THINK, MINNOW, THAT THEY’LL BE SORRY TO SEVER WHATEVER LITTLE BOND WITH YOU REMAINS?
“No,” I gasp again, but the terrible thing is, it’s true.
Kit and Lydia would be safer without me. I put them in harm’s way trying to keep both August and the company. It was me who kept pushing and grasping and trying to take what I thought was mine, no matter what. Still—“We’re family.”
THIS IS THE PRICE. She lets me go, and, unprepared, I lose my balance and fall back, landing in the knee-deep water.
The cold grips me like a vise, and the stone seafloor is slimy under my stinging palms. My whole body shakes as I heave myself backward onto the dry rock ledge and pull my knees to my chest.
“Why did you lay this curse on us?” I ask miserably.
WE DIDN’T, she says simply. DEAR CREATURE, THERE ARE OLDER AND WILDER THINGS IN THE WORLD THAN THE FINFOLK. SOON I THINK WE SHALL BE THE ONLY ONES STANDING IN THEIR WAY.
I know I should be curious what she means, what those older and wilder things are, but I’m too numb and distraught to care.
I will live. I should be glad. But thinking about my future stripped of Kit and Lydia—and even Silas—all makes me feel like I’m in a rowboat that’s slowly taking on water.
It’s slow, the sinking, but I can’t fix it, and there’s no shore in sight. Nowhere to go except down.
“It won’t work on Silas,” I say numbly once I’ve caught my breath. Yes, there was a pull between us, but if it ever amounted to love—it must be gone now, after I attacked him and left him for dead.
YOU MUST KNOW THAT HATE AND LOVE CAN BE INTERTWINED IN A SINGLE SOUL. AND THE MORE CONFLICTED AND FRACTIOUS A LOVE, THE MORE SAVORY IT IS TO ME.
“Please,” I say dully. My tears feel burning hot on my icy, numb cheeks. “Please don’t make me do this.”
WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO TAKE ON SUFFERING YOURSELF IN ORDER TO SPARE THEM?
IS THAT NOT WHAT FAMILY IS MEANT TO DO? Throughout our entire exchange, this is the closest the queen has sounded to irritated, and suddenly she’s terrifying again.
LITTLE ONE, I WOULDN’T TRY TO ASK ANY MORE OF ME IF I WERE YOU.
YOU’LL LIVE, AND THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE WILL BE UNBURDENED OF YOU.
IT’S ALREADY MORE THAN YOU DESERVE, AFTER WHAT YOU’VE DONE.
AND MORE, ONCE I HEAL YOU, YOU’LL BE IMMUNE FOREVER.
NO ONE WILL EVER brEAK YOUR HEART AGAIN.
That stops my breath. I hadn’t thought to wonder about that. Being invulnerable. I’ll lose everything, but my heart will never break again. And for once, I’m determined to do what’s best for Kit and Lydia, what’s truly best for them.
Even if it means losing them.
I step forward with a nod of assent and close my eyes as the queen reaches for me. Her fingers close around me and I hear her voice in my head again, an old, old language, as cleansing fire spills through my veins.