Chapter 40 #4
“Whoa there.” He steadies me, the feel of his touch against my skin causing me to sway closer.
“You okay?” He dips his head lower, his worried green eyes connecting with mine.
God, I love him. I love his scruffy beard and his overgrown hair that’s in constant need of a trim.
I love how much he cares about others, especially strangers, and how hard he’s working to make Chaplain a better place.
I love his determination and how hard he’s fought for Briggs, regardless of how difficult it’s been.
“I just plain love you,” I mutter, unaware I’ve said it out loud until his eyes widen and he stumbles back a step.
My lips part, panic taking over and demanding I backtrack, because the horror on Col’s face lets me know it’s not reciprocated.
I scurry past him, happy to pretend this interaction never happened.
I take a few deep breaths before entering the kitchen, pasting on a smile that conceals the evisceration taking place inside of me.
I busy myself with whatever tasks Rita doles out, only stopping when Mia demands I take a break.
A timer dings sometime later, and Rita opens the oven to reveal a perfectly golden turkey.
“Um,” I start, wondering why they’ve cooked two. “I thought Roy and Col were on bird duty?”
“That’s just what I let them believe, love,” Rita explains, a mischievous smile on her face. “But after the second year of them scorching a perfectly fine turkey, I decided to start cooking a backup.”
“You genius woman,” Mia praises, smacking a kiss to her cheek. “I can’t decide if I want to be you or Andi when I grow up.” Despite being nearly a decade my senior, Mia has made it known that she envies the budding harem I’ve amassed.
If she only knew how unstable it is, how hard I’m working to keep myself together when I’d like nothing more than to fall apart.
The guys have remained outside while we’ve finished the side dishes that needed cooking, but the thought of facing Col makes me nauseous with worry.
I can’t believe I said those words, that my body betrayed me and voiced my feelings against my will.
As Rita places the food on the dining table and Mia calls for the guys to join us, I realize I’m out of time.
I head to Briggs’ room to buy myself a few more seconds, afraid I’m going to burst into tears the moment I’m in Col’s presence.
Hudson’s still sound asleep, so I carefully take a seat beside him, toying with the curls at the base of his neck.
“I don’t know what to do,” I voice quietly, speaking my fears into the universe in hopes that an answer will magically appear and solve all my problems. “I love them. All of them. I know how improbable that sounds, but I’ve never been more certain of anything.
My heart is still clinging to hope, but I know, deep down, that Col doesn’t want this.
That I’ve already lost him. I can’t even blame him.
It was an impossible ask to begin with, but I thought, just maybe, the five of us were meant to be.
“That a force greater than us brought us all together, at the exact moment in time when we needed each other the most.” My vision grows blurry as tears fill my eyes.
Before I can wipe them away, Briggs enters the bedroom, his lips pressed together in a tight line.
He strides towards me, flicking off the baby monitor and making me realize he overheard my pathetic monologue.
A sob catches in my throat as he reaches me, dropping to his knees and pulling our foreheads together.
“You’re damn right we’re meant to be, Angel,” he whispers harshly.
“Don’t you ever, for a single fucking second, question how right we are.
It’s going to work itself out, baby. I promise.
” I bite back the tears burning my eyes, knowing we have to go back out there and my crying will be obvious if I give in to the urge.
I lift Hudson’s lax body from the bed, refusing to spend my first Thanksgiving without him in my arms, sleeping or not.
When we enter the dining room, Roy and Col are having a heated conversation in the corner, but I avert my attention, focusing on the others and all that I’ve gained during the short time I’ve been granted my freedom.
Notably absent from the table is a deep-fried turkey, so it appears that this wasn’t their year after all.
As Dayton predicted, Rita requests that we each divulge what we’re thankful for.
The guys all mention some iteration of me, Hudson, and the baby, though Col’s is purposely vague.
I steel my spine, not allowing my hurt to show.
He’s entitled to his feelings, just like I am.
When it’s my turn, I glance at everyone present and exhale slowly.
“I’m thankful to have a family for the first time in my twenty-four years of life.
I promise to covet what you’ve given me.
I’ll never risk it, not for anything,” I state vehemently, my eyes finding Col’s across the table.
Briggs stiffens beside me, likely following my train of thought.
But I meant every word. I can’t lose any of them, and if the only way to keep them all is to end this before it starts, then that’s what I’ll do.
It might kill me emotionally, but I can do it if it means I won’t have to know what it’s like to go through life without Colsen Wilder, even if that means the only thing he’ll ever be to me is a friend.
*?My God