Chapter 20
20
MADDIE
I ’m in the exhibition hall of the art building, looking at the works on display. The current exhibition features pieces by seniors who are graduating this year.
There are some interesting works here, and more importantly, browsing through them keeps me busy. And I need to keep my mind busy, because for the last several days, whenever I have a moment to let it wander, it only goes to one place.
To sitting in the park with Rhys—and almost kissing him.
I can’t fool myself this time. That’s what happened. I almost kissed Rhys Callahan.
My eyes were closed, my lips were open, and I was burning from the top of my head down to my fingernails to feel his lips pressed against mine, to feel the heavy lash of his tongue, to breathe in his scent closer than ever before and to finally pair it with his taste.
Thinking back to it, it feels like a dream. A fever dream. The moment he tucked my hair behind my ear, and his finger accidentally brushed against my jaw as he pulled his hand back, it was like I fell into a trance.
What would have happened if the chiming of those bells didn’t pull me back into reality? What would have happened if I kept going, and my lips collided with his?
Would he have pushed me away? Bolted to his feet and run off?
Or would he have leaned in, one hand covering mine, one hand on the side of my neck, as he angled his mouth to …
I shake my head. Sheesh, even when I do have something to occupy my thoughts, I can’t help jumping back to that moment that’s better forgotten.
I’m just happy those bells did chime. Leave it to me to almost ruin one of my most cherished relationships during the last year of our lives that we’re still living close to each other.
“Maddie, hey!”
James walks over from another end of the hall. The smile on his face reveals a row of white teeth and makes his face even more handsome, even though it’s still a kind of handsome that I recognize rather than feel .
But I know it’s time to snap myself out that mindset. I’m going to be saying that to myself about every guy for as long as I hold onto this stupid infatuation with Rhys. I can’t let myself wither away, pining after something that’s never going to happen.
I don’t want to do that. I want to finally start living my life in the real world, rather than keep dreaming about something that’s impossible.
“Hi, James,” I smile to greet him. “Have you checked out this exhibit yet?”
“Nah, first time,” he answers. “I really like this painting over here.”
We wander over and talk about a really interesting impressionist painting of a crowded city street, the surfaces slicked with rain.
James and I have been talking more lately. He’s nice, he’s cute, and we have a lot in common. We even exchanged phone numbers recently, and a couple days ago we were texting about our favorite movies pretty late into the night.
There’s a gleam of interest in his eye when he looks at me. I think.
We chat every day before and after our Figure Drawing class. We even have a couple inside jokes together.
He’s probably interested, right? Or at least, I don’t know, open to being interested? If I asked him on a date or something? Would he be texting me past ten at night on a Tuesday if he weren’t?
“Hey, did you see that the movie theater in town is showing Before Sunrise ?” he asks. It’s a movie we both were talking about the other night as one we’ve been interested in watching but haven’t gotten around to yet.
“Really?” I ask, my interest piqued. “That’s so cool. I love how that theater shows classic movies along with new releases.”
“Yeah, same,” James answers. “I would’ve killed to have something like that in my hometown growing up.”
There’s a stilted, awkward moment as it seems like James is about to say something—ask something?—but then stops short.
I open my mouth, but only a peep of strangled sound makes its way out as James does the exact same thing.
“Sorry,” I say with an awkward chuckle, “you go ahead.”
He shakes his head, strangely fast. “No. You go ahead.”
“Uh, I wasn’t really going to say anything. It’s not important. What were you saying?”
I feel like a middle schooler at my first dance, gracelessly trying to talk to one of the boys. Which, I guess, I kind of am.
“Well,” James begins, “I was thinking I wanted to go see it. The movie. At the theater.”
There’s a beat of silence, which I fill by saying, “Yeah, me, too,” nodding my head.
“Cool. Yeah. So maybe we can go together.”
His cheeks color. The heat in my face suggests that mine do, too.
“Cool. Yeah. We should!”
He nods his head. I nod my head. It’s all so awkward that I feel like I’m about to collapse in on myself, curl up into a tiny ball, and die. But at the same time, my lips are pulling up into a smile and there’s a feeling of excitement bubbling in my chest.
I just need to ignore the echo in the back of my head reminding me that he’s not the one I really want.
“Maddie.” Jasmine says my name with an admonishing tone as she fixes me with her gaze from the other side of the table. “Of course it’s a date.”
“Is it, though?” I question. Ever since James asked me to go to the movies with him, the over-analysis switch has been flipped to the On position in my brain. “Maybe I should have asked him? To make sure we’re both on the same page? I mean, friends go to the movies together, too.”
“Guys don’t usually go awkward and stuttery when they ask one of their friends to see a movie with them,” Jasmine retorts. I told her the story of how it happened.
“He blushed, too,” I say, picturing how his cheeks went cherry red.
“Oh, yeah?” Jasmine asks with a sly, interested grin.
I nod. “Even the tips of his ears.”
Jasmine’s eyes go big. “Girl, this is so a date. No question.”
She’s right. It’s a date. I’m going to have my first date.
“I’ll be sure to find an excuse to be out of our room that night,” Jasmine says with a twinkle in her eye, nudging my knee with hers under the table, “in case you two need some space .”
My stomach does a tiny twist. “That won’t be necessary,” I say with a roll of my eyes.
“It might be,” Jasmine sings in a low, insinuating voice, nudging me more and more until we both laugh.
I know I set the goal of losing my virginity this semester. It’s already October. I let a whole month pass by making no progress on the guy front until this date. James seems into me. Maybe I should be open to hooking up with him sooner than later.
Anxiety twists in my chest at the thought. I try to search to see if there are any feelings of excitement, of anticipation, laced with it, but I can’t find any. But that doesn’t mean anything, right?
Jasmine brings me back to reality when she tilts her head to the side and says, “Looks like love’s really in the air.”
We’re at Last Word. The café-bookshop takes up every floor of a beautiful old three-story rowhome, with the ground floor a coffee shop featuring delicious sweet treats, and the top two floors filled with books.
Jasmine’s directing my attention to the counter of the café. The owner of Last Word, Cindy, is behind it with an apron tied on, and the customer on the other side is the owner of the ramen shop in town.
I look just in time to see him dip down with her hand held daintily in his and place a kiss to the back of it. He shoots her a sly wink and then turns around with his order of coffee, leaving Cindy blushing and suppressing a giggle.
They’re an odd couple if there ever was one, but they sure seem into each other.
“It could be James kissing your hand like that before long,” Jasmine says, lowering her voice to add, “not to mention other parts of you.”
“Whatever,” I laugh bashfully before taking a sip of my coffee.
James is cute, nice, we have things in common, and, most importantly, he actually seems interested in me.
I just wish I knew why the thought of kissing him doesn’t make me feel anything.