17. Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Seventeen
Paxton
I wake up in a panic, my chest heaving with ragged breaths, my heart beating loudly in my rib cage and sweat coating my forehead, staring at the ceiling with wide eyes.
Fuck.
Katie is still asleep next to me. Her soft breaths feather against my chest and her hair tickles the arm I have around her, her small hand lying on my stomach rises and falls with each panicked breath I take.
I need to get out of here. I can’t breathe.
As carefully as I can I free my arm and get up, ever so slowly, gently lifting her hand off of me and putting it onto the mattress.
I need to get up. I need space. Fresh air. A second to breathe.
But not before tucking her back in. I pull the blanket over her, making sure no inch of her skin is left exposed to the air other than her face. She crinkles her nose, and a soft sigh falls from her lips, and I freeze, not moving a muscle, scared I've woken her up. But she just grabs onto the blanket and turns around, her breath evening out again.
With quiet steps I leave the room, exhaling a heavy sigh when the door closes behind me.
Now I can panic.
Only a few more strides and I'm in the living room, pulling the windows open and greedily sucking in the cooler night air, leaning my hands on the windowsill and sticking my head out into the night.
What the fuck am I doing? This can't be happening.
I don't even know who the fuck I am anymore, who am I to get her hopes up? This wasn’t a random hookup, but I'm not boyfriend material. Hell, I’ve only just reached a point where I can barely stand myself.
I'm not the right one for her. That knowledge settles in like chocolate melting into milk. It's a fact, as true as the sky being blue. A fact that I'm now painfully aware of.
Katie doesn't deserve this. She doesn't deserve a man with a shitty past like me. One who was able to become so cruel and uncaring. Who is like a landmine, ready to explode at the smallest movement.
So, what the hell am I going to do now? I can't take it back. I don't even want to, because I’m selfish like that. But at the same time, I don't want to hurt her either. Congratulations, Pax. You've managed to maneuver yourself into a checkmate. Just when things were going well, you had to shoot your damn self-restraint .
I push the heels of my hands into my eyes and sink onto the couch, laying my head back onto the cushions lining the back.
My first attempt at living a normal life and I'm already fucking it up. It doesn't matter that seeing her smile makes my heart flutter. That the way she sweeps stubborn hair strands behind her ear makes me want to kiss her like crazy. That the bags under her eyes make me want to wrap her in a blanket and not let her go until she's slept ten hours. That I'd throw all my money at her if it made her feel less overwhelmed.
What does that help if I turn back into that abusive man I was only a goddamn year ago? If I destroy her, just because I want her?
I stiffen when I hear the door to the living room open slowly. It's not lost on me that our roles are exactly reversed, compared to her breakdown after Luke’s party. I want to look at her and assure her that I’m fine and everything is going to be all right, but I freeze. I can't bring myself to lower my hands from my face. As it turns out I don't need to.
She climbs right into my lap, pulling her blanket around the two of us.
Her head fits perfectly into the crook of my shoulder. Like I was made for her; her warm breath feathering over the skin of my throat, making goose bumps rise on my skin.
"I can't, Katie," I press out, and she covers my mouth with her hand.
"Breathe with me," she demands quietly, laying her chin on my shoulder, so I hear her soft breaths right next to my ear. "In," she inhales deeply, and I find myself following along. Holding my breath until she releases hers. "Again," she whispers, and we breathe together until, finally, my body calms down. But my thoughts are still spiraling.
"Talk to me." She remains quiet for a moment. "Don't keep your thoughts in. Come on, just say what goes through that pretty head of yours."
"I'm fucking this up already," I whisper and feel her tense against me, the heels of my hands still pressed against my eyes. "You were - no, you are my hope at finding myself again and now I feel like I'm dragging you down with me." I feel my breath starting to pick up again and force myself to take a deep breath. "There's always the chance of me becoming that douchebag again and then you're getting hurt. I just… I can’t do that to you."
"Do you think so little of me?" Her whispered words tear right into my heart, and I force myself to lower my hands and look at her. She doesn’t look sad, no, she looks furious.
"What?" My voice breaks with the question. As long as I can help it I would never think little of her.
"I'm not made of glass, Pax," she promises and sighs heavily, shifting until her forehead rests against mine, her breath on my lips. "If the past years have shown me anything, this is it. Even if you relapse, and that's a big 'if', even if you break my heart - I'll be fine.” She closes her eyes for a moment and gulps before she continues. “At first I will be miserable, and I will probably cry myself to sleep for months but I. Will. Survive." She cups the side of my face with her hand. "What if I went outside and got hit by a car? Would you rather have spent my life with me or given up and gone your separate way?"
I gulp, watching her blue orbs as she stares into my soul. I never noticed she has a mole right at the corner of her eye, just under her eyebrow. Or the small scar right over the bridge of her nose, between her eyes.
And suddenly, the answer is simple.
"I don’t think I could let you go even if someone tried to pry you away from me." I finally snake my arms around her middle to her relieved sigh. "But I'm scared."
"I'm scared, too," she admits, beginning to caress my cheek with her thumb. "But you're worth the fear to me, Pax."
My arms around her tighten and I take a shaky breath. If she deems me worthy, I will be worthy. No matter what it takes. If she can place her trust in me, I can push myself to be the man she deserves, or I'll die trying.
"You know, it's funny," I mumble and tighten my hold on her when she shifts. Okay, not the ideal start to my answer. "I promise, I'm going somewhere with this."
"Okay," she sounds unsure, so I quickly continue, gently caressing her naked skin under my fingertips.
"One thing they made me realize in therapy is that I don't give a flying fuck about people," I continue and gulp, taking a shaky breath. "Even now I find it hard to care about anyone. Except for you." She takes a sharp breath. "You come to me so easily, Katie. There's no question in my mind that I want you to be happy. That you're the person I give every single one of my fucks about." I would move mountains if it meant she’d smile at me. She feels like the reward I don’t deserve but I’ll be damned if I don’t earn her.
"Pax," she whispers, accompanied by a broken chuckle.
"Maybe it's too soon to call it love," I gulp. There is no question in my mind that if I’m ever lucky enough to feel love, it would feel like this, but when I feel her tense in my arms, I know it was the right thing to say. "But you're it for me. My heart is full of you, and I don't think there's much space left for anyone else."
"My heart is full of you, too," she answers, her eyes wide and teary, the image tugging at my heart.
"Promise me." I raise my chin, until our lips almost touch, each word the quietest whisper. "If I ever hurt you, you leave."
She makes a protesting sound, the barest disagreeing hum from her throat, but I shake my head. "Promise me. Please."
"I promise I won't let you hurt me," she murmurs back. I narrow my eyes at her, and she evades my gaze. It's not what I asked her for, but with a sigh, I decide that it's good enough for me. I bridge the remaining millimeters between our lips.
This kiss is different. It's not the inferno burning between us when we kissed earlier. No. This one is like a campfire in the cold, spreading cozy warmth from within, harmless sparks flying into the air and illuminating the night.
It feels like home. Like all I've ever wanted and all I'll ever need.
She nips at my lip before she lets her tongue slide over it. But I need to taste her. My hand tangles in her hair, like I can't bear the thought of her pulling away, as I open my lips and welcome her in my mouth. Our tongues slide together, teasing each other and our breaths mingle, growing heavy quickly.
The silence of the night is only interrupted by the low, content hum she releases into my mouth. She melts against my body, her warm body and the blanket between me and the cold night air of the still-open window.
I could spend a lifetime kissing her. And another one just holding her in my arms.
I thought I 'd experienced happiness before, but every single concert, every number-one hit pales in comparison to her. To the feeling of her soft skin under my palms, the feeling of her stiff nipples against my chest, the small whines I can taste on my tongue, and her sweet taste.
"Now can we get back to bed?" she asks quietly and when my hand wanders down to her neck I feel goose bumps on her skin.
"Yeah." I can't help but steal another quick kiss from her before I stand up with her clinging onto me like a koala, closing the window before I walk her back to my bedroom.
My arms remain around her as I lie down. She doesn't bat an eye. Instead, she drapes the duvet snugly around us until no inch of skin besides our faces is exposed to the cold room.
"Sweet dreams, Pax."
"All of you," I whisper against the crown of her head and press my lips onto her hair. "Sleep well."
When I wake up again, it's to sunshine illuminating the room and Katie tracing the tattoos on my chest with her fingers. My skin rises in goosebumps along the path she draws on my skin with her fingertips, and I sigh.
It feels like the closest thing I've ever experienced to love. There’s tenderness in her touch that makes my heart feel warm and fuzzy, the memories of last night conjuring a small smile onto my face. I close my eyes again, not wanting the moment to end .
"I know you're awake," she teases me with a soft whisper and pokes her finger against the corner of my mouth that's curled up.
"Hmm," a hum is all I manage, my smile widening under her touch. With closed eyes I turn, drawing her into my arms and dropping a kiss on her head. "Good morning."
"Good morning, Sunshine," she says happily and drops a kiss on my chest, right in front of her face. "Do you have plans today?"
"You," I murmur and tighten my hold on her. "Just you."
"Hmm. What exactly?" She squirms in my arms until I loosen my grip and scoots further up on me until her face is right above mine.
I can’t help myself. My hands wander right to her ass, because why wouldn't they? Now that I’ve had a taste of her I can’t get enough of touching her, smelling her, tasting her. She squeals and I grin at her.
It's firm under my hold and I can't help but grab a handful, kneading her cheeks as I push her pelvis down against my naked torso, chuckling when she bites her pretty lower lip in response. Her tongue darts out to wet her lips and I shoot up to catch that pretty little tongue with mine in a sloppy kiss.
"I can think of a thing or two," I mumble against her lips and let my hand wander further down, finding her warm folds, wet and ready for me, while I graze the skin on her neck with my teeth.
She moves against my fingers, so eager, so ready for me, pushing her dripping hole right into my fingers. I slip them inside her, and she welcomes me, a throaty moan falling from her lips, right into my ear as she wiggles her hip against my digits.
I grin. She's so impatient as I pump my fingers inside of her, whimpering as I spread them. When I crook them to find just the right spot, she moans loudly, and I’ve never heard a sexier sound in my life. It goes from my ears, straight to my cock and I groan softly.
When you're famous, sex is not something you need to search for. The women will come to you, eager to ride your dick for clout and not bat an eye when all you're chasing is your own high. They don't give a fuck about you, as long as they can brag about having been to your hotel room, so you don't give a fuck about them in return and take your own benefit out of it. They're a means to an end, nothing more, nothing less.
But Katie?
She’s different. I want her to feel good, in fact, I want her to feel ecstatic. I want her addicted to me, so she’ll never leave. Hers is the only voice I want to hear cry my name, beg for release, taunt me, and moan profanities for the rest of my life. I'm chasing her high instead of mine.
I wasn't lying when I said I don't give a fuck about anyone but her. Hell, if the choice was between me and her, I would choose her.
"I need more," she pants into my ear, but right now, all I want is to see her come undone.
"You'll get it," I promise her and slap her butt playfully, causing her to moan and my smile to widen. Huh. Interesting.
Her hips move in circles against my fingers as she chases her release, lowering her torso until her sensitive nipples rub against my chest. I urge her a bit higher until her breasts are right above my face, bouncing with her every movement.
Saliva gathers in my mouth as I watch them, Katie whining as she misses the friction. I capture one of her pretty nipples with my mouth, keeping it between my lips as I lick it eagerly, my tongue flicking it in quick succession. Her back arches, pushing her boob into my face when I suck on it until I let it slip out of my mouth with an obscene, squelching sound.
"Paxton," she moans, and I hear the playful scolding in her tone through her arousal.
Damn, I want to capture that. I want a recording of her moaning my name. I could come just from that. And the little whimpers from the back of her throat as she rides my fingers, closer and closer to her orgasm. She lets her hand wander between us and to her pussy, wanting to find her clit and stimulate herself to her release but I catch her hand, making a disapproving sound.
"Please, Pax, I'm so close," she moans, shooting me a pleading glare. One I meet with a wicked smile.
"You can come without it," I guide her hand up to my face and press a kiss into her palm. When she's still glaring, I lick it and add another finger inside her, increasing the speed of my thrusts. My three fingers piston inside her in quick succession and her defiance dissolves into incoherent moans, as she meets each of them with her hips. I feel her walls pulsing around my fingers and I know she's almost there.
My other hand finds the back of her head and I pull her down, capturing her lips in a messy kiss. Just as she tippytoes over the edge, just as she begins to moan uncontrollably and shakes around my fingers, I line my cock up to her hole and push inside in one swift move.
"Fuck," she screams and comes apart, right there and then, right on my cock. In one swift and forceful move, I sit up. One second later she's under me, her knees tucked up her chest by my elbows and I fuck her through her pleasure.
"I can't, I can 't, I can't," she sobs, digging her nails into the skin on my shoulders until it breaks. But I welcome the pain because it means I have her right where I want her. Delirious with pleasure, holding onto me for dear life as she can’t tell up from down, me being the lifeboat in the sea of pleasure she’s drowning in right now.
She contracts around me, milking my cock and I bite my lip to avoid coming inside her within fucking seconds. No, that would be a waste. Why would I come when I can see her, red face and tears in her eyes as she gasps for air, her sensitive pussy pulling me right in.
I reach down and flick her clit with my thumb, teasing her antagonizing slowly, as my mouth suctions onto her throat playfully.
"Fuck, Pax," she whimpers, her head thrashing from left to right. "Again."
The scream she lets out as her next orgasm washes over her is like music to my ears. With a fucking wide smile on my face, I lick a wide strip from her nipple, over her collarbone, up her throat, and to her ear, where I playfully nip at her lobe.
"You're coming for me so prettily," I sigh into it as I continue to drive into her harder and faster, chasing my own release. "Do it again. I know you got another one in you."
"Pax, I've never-" she sobs and softly hits my chest, but I shut her right up with a kiss. It’s even better that no guy went the extra mile for her. Let me be the first and last.
“Then today is the first time,” I growl. My eyes dance over her face, trying to find a hint of objection, but all I see is pleasure and trust.
She's barely stopped shaking with pleasure when the next wave already rolls over her, and this time, I'm right there with her. I kiss a path down her throat and then I latch on, right where her shoulder and neck meet.
When I explode, it’s with her name on my lips and my eyes locked to hers, slowing my pace as my cock twitches inside her, filling her with my cum. I suck her skin between my lips as I ride out my orgasm, leaving my mark on her in more ways than one.
"You're going to be the death of me," she mumbles sleepily as I pull out. I sit back, looking at the mess I've made. Her pussy glistens with both of our pleasure and I swipe my finger through her folds.
“I forgot the condom,” I state the obvious and grimace, not meeting her eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine, Pax.” She grabs my chin and turns my head until I look at her. “I’m clean and on the pill. You?”
“Clean and not on the pill,” I chuckle and lean down to press my lips against hers.
Then I sit up again. I need to take another look. I wet my lips as I gather up some of our juices with my finger, darting out my tongue to have a taste. I know she tastes divine, but our combined taste awakens a primal desire deep inside me.
"We taste good together," I joke, and she blushes, trying to cross her legs to keep me from looking at her, but I shove them right apart again, wanting a closer look.
"Don't get your face anywhere near my pussy or I'll fucking die," she whispers with an unexpected sharpness, and I chuckle. "You've broken it."
"Guilty as charged," I chuckle and climb in next to her, dropping a kiss on her lips as I snake my arms around her, and she cuddles right in.
She's absolutely worth the fear, too.