Chapter 17
ELI
“How have things been since we last talked?” my therapist, Jane, asks over the speaker of my desk phone, in that smoother-than-caramel voice of hers.
“Okay.” I examine the bonsai sitting on the windowsill and remove a branch that’s had a sudden growth spurt using the sharp cutters in my hand.
Talking while I prune my bonsai in the safety of my office is how I prefer to do these sessions. It’s more relaxed.
“Last week, we talked about not visiting your mom on Saturday. How did that go?”
“I visited her.” I sound deflated.
“And that upsets you? Why?” Even though Jane can’t see me, she knows. She always knows when I’m annoyed with myself. Again.
“I thought after missing one weeks ago, I could do it again and not feel wrong.” I fell at yet another hurdle.
“It all sounds pretty normal to me, Eli and it’s okay because you can always try again.”
“I suppose so,” I say, trimming a crowded area of my bonsai to help more light reach the center.
Doing this every week settles my mind. Jane says I like it because it’s a form of meditation without being forced to close my eyes, lie down, and pressure my brain into shutting down when it doesn’t want to.
“If I asked you to try again another day, would that sound okay or hard?”
I stand up straight and look out the window at the city moving quickly below.
“I’m not sure.” That’s the truth. “I might be okay with it, I guess.” I add, “I found it easy the first time to change my plans because I liked the person I was with.” I was with Sapphire, and she made me feel… content. To the point that I didn’t want to be anywhere else.
My confidence might have been knocked sideways by yesterday’s failed skydive but I won’t let it break me.
Like Sapphire said, I failed, but I was brave in even trying, and with some reflection overnight, and after talking to her over text, I felt better about the entire situation this morning.
When she shared her own fears with me, it made me feel less… shit. Still shit though, just not as much as before.
I was mad at her for pushing me beyond my limits, but really I was madder at myself yesterday.
How can I be mad at Sapphire when all she’s ever been is kind, funny, unraveling me one small interaction at a time?
Jane presses me. “And when you anchor into that feeling again, the one where the person you are with makes you feel good, how does it make you feel now?”
“A bit of everything. Nervous because she makes me question things I haven’t before.
Happy too because she’s a ray of sunshine.
Content because I allow myself to be me, and she never questions my quirks,” I mutter thoughtfully.
“She confuses me too; we’re quite different.
” And yet, her smile, those eyes, her chatter and busy nature, she’s everything that’s missing in my life.
“That’s great awareness, Eli. You’ve pinpointed exactly what made you want to change your routine.
” Silence on the phone suggests she’s thinking, then she speaks up.
“When you say someone is different from you, sometimes it’s what we need.
Like two jigsaw puzzle pieces fitting together to create the perfect picture.
Without one, the puzzle stays unfinished. They complete each other.”
They complete each other. Jane’s words swirl around my brain.
“If I suggested you arrange another coffee date with the same person, how does that feel now?” she asks.
“Great,” I enthuse.
“Perfect. We could build on that, but I’ll come back to that at the end. For now, tell me, on a scale of one to ten, where would you say your symmetry compulsions have been this past week?”
“It was a three.” Nerves got the better of me on Monday.
“It spiked to a five before I left to meet someone on Monday. It was the same person I met for coffee.” I aligned everything on my desk at least half a dozen times before leaving the office to meet Sapphire.
“She makes me nervous.” Which is something I never experience around women.
Hearing Sapphire say she thought I didn’t like her the other day hit me like a punch to the gut. How could she believe that? The truth is, I’m overwhelmed by how much I want her. I want to kiss her so fiercely it feels like I’ll suffocate if I don’t.
“That’s helpful to know, Eli. There will always be fluctuations, and that’s to be expected. Last week, we mentioned reducing aligning, and ordering your desk before you left for meetings. Do you want to focus on that again?”
Today I’ve managed to leave the files on my desk.
Even the pen isn’t where it should be. Exposure therapy is what Jane calls it: intentionally leaving items slightly crooked and riding out the feeling of it being off without fixing it.
It’s a huge step, and I am not feeling as edgy about it.
Nor have I given it a second thought until now, unlike when we first started trying it.
I’m getting better, I know I am. “No. I want to focus on how I change up my routine.” Plus, I’m supposed to be going to a retreat with Sapphire this weekend, and I really, really need to speak to her about that because I can’t attend this weekend but I do still want to go.
Not only could it be the catalyst I need to help me change, but I also want to spend more time with her, just her and me.
After her text last night I’ve never wanted to jump in my car and drive to anyone’s house so fast in all of my life.
Failure shows you pushed yourself today and that’s progress, not perfection. I hope you wear that effort badge with pride. I’ll be looking for it the next time I see you.
I wanted to see her right there and then.
And now I want to go on that stupid retreat, even if it is a nudist one.
I don’t really but I will if it means spending time with her.
Jane takes her time to respond, as if she’s thinking before she says, “Got it. What do you usually do after our sessions?”
“Sit behind my desk and work.” Work. Tennis. Visit Mom. Visit Dad. Play chess. Trim my bonsai. It’s all so mundane and mindlessly boring.
“And if I suggested visiting the person you enjoyed your Saturday with all those weeks ago right after our session today, how does that make you feel?”
I stand up straighter, perk up, my neural pathways opening, loving her proposal.
Usually, I would be dead set against a last-minute change, but I’ve been aching to see Sapphire since last night.
“I would like that. Very much.” I play it cool when all I want to do is grab my suit jacket and leave, as I stride across my office without hesitation toward it hanging on the back of the door.
“Do you want to go now?”
“Do you have a camera in my office that I don’t know about?
” I scan the corners of my office for any signs of equipment, dropping the bonsai cutters on my desk as I pass, ignoring how jauntily they sit along the edge of the desk.
Now, that is making progress. Everything Jane has me doing each week is starting to come together.
I’ve only encountered a few hiccups along the way, one being folding and refolding my T-shirts in my closet and realigning my sneakers and shoes three times.
That incident happened after I visited my dad when he fell in the shower at the memory care home, then babbled incomprehensible gibberish for days due to a concussion.
He’s fine now. Well, not completely fine, because he’s not the same man who raised me, but he’s back to his baseline before the tumble.
But it scared me, and all I want is more good days with him.
I’m clinging to his good days with dear life, although I don’t have any control over them now.
However, a slight change in his meds seems to be helping. I can only hope they continue to work.
Jane laughs lightly. “I just know you, Eli, you’re usually the man who can’t be moved and you only do something on your terms. I get the impression that you want to go now and if that is the case, then you should.”
“Great, well, I think we’re done for the afternoon.” There’s no stopping me now as I pull my jacket off the hanger and slip it on, checking my appearance in the reflection of the windows. Just as I’m about to straighten my pink tie, I stop myself.
Hell, I’m even wearing ties that match the color of her hair now.
“My tie is straight,” I state the adaptable mantra Jane told me to repeat to myself so my mind would eventually get on board and stop the compulsion to fix things when they don’t need fixing.
“You’re doing great, Eli.”
Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. “Thanks.” I accept the compliment. “Now, if you don’t mind, I have somewhere to be.” Hell, I’m excited. Giddy even.
“Please check in with me in the morning to let me know how it went.”
“I will.” I’m a man of my word.
“And Eli?”
“Yes?”
“Remember this feeling and try to bottle it to come back to.”
“I’ll try.” Every minute with Sapphire feels like living in the moment without worrying about the consequences.
It’s the same way she swims naked in the ocean. She’s living for the now. The way she’s opened the door and let me see what living without barriers looks and feels like, I now want more.
How can I deprive myself of it? I don’t want to.