Chapter 27
ELI
On our way back to the city, Cole threw a curveball and suggested we stop to visit Dad since we were passing by.
He didn’t realize my discomfort at his last-minute, unscheduled stop, but inside, my mind was at war with itself.
As we drove into the parking lot at Dad’s care home, I did some deep breathing exercises my therapist suggested might help when I find myself in the midst of an OCD spiral.
Inwardly, I told myself change doesn’t mean disaster, that I can adjust and still manage my day.
It’s uncomfortable that Cole changed the route but I remind myself I can handle discomfort.
Jane and I have been working on this during my exposure and response prevention therapy sessions.
When Cole asked me what I was doing I lied and told him I was feeling sick from drinking too much, which he and Sapphire both seemed to believe.
I hate being this way and I hate lying.
If Sapphire thought breakfast with my family was intimate, I’m finding her being here with my dad even more personal. It felt like a step too far because while I am opening up to Sapphire, it’s all moving very quickly.
However, while I was nervous about Sapphire meeting Dad, I really shouldn’t have been because I had nothing to worry about.
After all, for the last twenty minutes, Sapphire has been chatting happily to him about the beautiful summer we’ve had again this year, naming every flower in the garden, along with their Latin or scientific names.
She must have read every book since the day she attended school, because she can even identify the species of frogs in the pond we’re walking around.
There’s so much about her that I still have to discover.
Even wearing a borrowed pale-pink summer dress with a brown belt to help cinch the waist, and matching brown ankle boots from Arianna, it isn’t exactly her style, but it’s close, and she still looks beautiful.
I’ve been forced to wear Cole’s tennis shoes, Nathan’s jeans, and Cole’s black shirt because I don’t keep any spare clothes at Mom’s.
I’m not sure what would feel worse, wearing yesterday’s tuxedo or this mismatch of my brothers’ clothes, all I know is that I’m eager to change back into my own familiar clothes.
I’m perfectly flawed, is that how Sapphire put it?
“Are we allowed to pick some flowers for your dad’s room?” Sapphire asks from a few feet away as she surveys the choice of plants in front of her covered in an array of multicolored flowers.
“Yes,” I assure her, my dad following her along the garden path at his care home in his electric wheelchair.
She’s deep in concentration, and her tongue is poking out the side of her mouth as she picks the ones she wants before proceeding to pluck two of the biggest purple hydrangeas, I think that’s what Sapphire called them, and bunches them together by their stems between her clenched fist, then another, this time a pink one.
“I like this one, Daniel. Smell.” She wafts it under my dad’s nose. “That’s good, right?”
He stammers something in response out of earshot.
Whatever it was, she laughs then says, “I don’t know what your feet smell like so I couldn’t possibly comment, Daniel.
” She reaches around the large plant when she spots something else that catches her eye, pushing herself to her tiptoes to give her more height.
“This will go so well with the hydrangeas. It’s called beardtongue because it has these hairy parts.
” She turns to demonstrate, rubbing the protruding stamen.
“It looks fuzzy.” She then adds them to her ever-growing bunch and takes off down the path, beckoning my dad. “C’mon then, hot wheels, keep up.”
Cole chuckles, and I join in.
She’s a natural around him, with everyone, and I know my dad already loves her.
The look on his face when she introduced herself and didn’t give him a chance to talk was rather entertaining.
My father was once the best lawyer in the state and admired amongst his peers for his closing statements in court, but he’s met his match today with Sapphire.
The only thing he did manage to shoehorn into their conversation was that he liked her hair.
She then went on to explain it was wash-in and wash-out colors she used because she liked switching it up, like the trolls in the Trolls movie, and my dad had no idea what she was referring to.
That didn’t stop her, though; she then took it upon herself to show him photos of them on her phone, explaining that depending on what emotion they felt, the color of their hair changed.
The side eye he shot me, and the smirk that followed, were both filled with amusement and approval.
“So, you and Sapphire, huh?” Cole asks as we stroll behind Sapphire and my dad.
I move my sunglasses from the top of my head down to shade my eyes because my head is pounding. I took two Tylenol before I left Mom’s, because I don’t have my acupressure gadget to clip onto my hand. I feel rough, but slightly better than I did when I woke up.
Although waking up beside Sapphire this morning made me feel better.
I reply with a, “Yeah, me and Sapphire.”
“How is that going?” Cole pries.
“It’s new.”
“How new?”
“We only kissed this morning.” I don’t know what leads me to share that piece of information.
“And I interrupted?”
“Probably just as well.” I don’t want to rush. I want to spend hours learning every soft curve and inch of her delectable body and take my time getting to know even more about her.
“Mom’s no-girls-staying-over rule, huh?”
“Yeah,” I agree, because it’s partly true.
For a few minutes, we stroll in silence before he asks, “How are you doing, Eli?”
“Fine,” I clip back. I’m far from fine. Better than I have been, though. Something settled in my chest today. It’s the most content it’s been for in a while.
Cole comes to a standstill, and I stop walking too, letting the gap between us, and Sapphire and my dad widen.
“You’re not fine,” he chides, scratching his arms, which are exposed today. At work, he hides his tattoos under black long-sleeved shirts, but today he’s wearing a T-shirt. Yesterday was the first time I’d seen Cole in a white shirt in years.
“I am fine.” I’m irked by his aloof line of questioning.
“So why are you seeing a therapist?”
I flinch, his question catching me off guard, his gaze never faltering. “How do you know that?”
“Tessa let it slip the other day when I was trying to coordinate a meeting with you, Max, and Nathan about the new client-facing app I have someone coming in to demonstrate. Max and Nathan were only free at the time you had a private appointment scheduled. I went to ask Tessa if she could reschedule, and when I asked her what it was, she got all flustered and just blurted it out when I said I would ask you myself.”
Shit.
“Blame me. It’s all my fault. I pushed her for an answer because I’m worried about you, Elijah.” He shifts on his feet next to me.
“I know.” We all worry about each other; that’s what families do.
“So, what’s up? Will you tell me what’s going on?” Uncertainty creeps into his expression as if he does not know what way I will go.
To share or not to share? Either way, it won’t make me feel any better. But I’m coping, I think, and that’s all that matters.
“Maybe one day.”
He lays his hand on my shoulder. “You know I am here for you, right?” He regards me quizzically as if he’s trying to figure me out like a puzzle.
“Thanks, man, I appreciate that.” I don’t want to talk about my just-right OCD with him here.
Or anywhere. I switch the conversation. “Who’s presenting the app demonstration?
” We’ve been talking about developing an app for years, ensuring people are matched with the correct department when they make enquiries and can seek advice 24/7.
“Someone called Yasmine Montgomery from FusionTech. They’re our web developer, but I asked marketing if they could put together an app proposal for us to help manage clients. We need it.”
“Is Yasmine the developer?”
“Yeah, she’s new, awesome at her job, and we’d be the first law firm to have an app like it. FusionTech said she had some great ideas, but I want all the department heads and the four of us brothers to see the demonstration. If it’s not right for us, we can look elsewhere.”
“I agree.” Our customer management system we currently have is outdated and needs a massive overhaul. I hope Yasmine is as good as FusionTech say she is because we need a miracle.
“You should invite Sapphire over to your place for dinner tonight.” Cole coolly changes the subject, begins walking again, and I follow his lead, grateful that he doesn’t pressure me for an answer.
“Yeah?” I reply, my shoulders widening with confidence, liking that idea. “She’s never been to my place before.” I hope she likes it.
“The question is, do you want dinner and more? Or just dinner?” He tosses me a look, not needing to explain what he means by more.
I punch the top of his arm. “You’re such an idiot.” I rip out words impatiently. I’m not sharing intimate details about what I do with Sapphire with Cole. Or anyone.
“Ow.” He rubs his bicep that I barely made a dent in.
He’s been working out for months, and his arms are massive now.
“I’m just trying to live vicariously through you, Max, and Nathan.
With Nathan married now, Max all loved up with Paige, and now you’ve bagged yourself a real-life fucking mermaid.
I mean, what the fuck am I supposed to do?
I haven’t fucked for months. Online dating apps are shit, and Libby is dating someone, I’m sure of it. ” He rubs his scruff in annoyance.
I notice a hint of disapproval in his tone regarding Libby. They have this strange arrangement in which they go on separate dates—on the same night and at the same time—and then meet afterward to compare notes.
He would never admit it, but he’s hooked on those apps, and I think the real reason he’s never been successful is because of Libby.
He’s hooked on the apps because it means he can date and maintain a superficial connection with Libby as a way of keeping her close.
She’s holding him back, without even realizing it, because he’s too much of a coward to tell her he has a crush on her.
Although if I looked a little closer, I’d probably see that he’s actually scared he’ll get his heart broken again, so he keeps himself stuck in limbo.
He might think he wants someone in his life, but he’s got himself in a chokehold and not fully committing to anyone who could potentially be his forever.
“Do you have a thing for Libby?” I ask, cautiously.
“Honestly, I don’t know if I like Libby or not.
” Cole laughs to cover his confusion. “I thought I did, but I don’t think she likes me that way.
We’re good friends but that’s about it. Anyway.
” He lets out a sigh. “Forget about me. What do you think of Max dating Paige Bradshaw?” he asks slowly.
His words sound more like a concern than a question.
“I hope she makes him happy.” That’s the truth. “I just hope nothing happened between them when they were working on an active case together, though.”
“Max would never do anything stupid like that, would he?” Cole plucks a yellow flower from the soil as he passes.
“I hope he wouldn’t.” Or there could be serious repercussions for their clients and them.
Second-guessing each other isn’t something we usually do, but Arianna tested our bond, and I never want to go through that again.
It turned out we could trust her, but her trusting us was a different matter, and I get now why she hid who she was and why she came to work at Hart Law.
It all worked out in the end, but it was wild for a few months and barely any of us spoke to each other.
For another few minutes, we walk together, the two of us mesmerized by Sapphire laughing and joking with our dad.
He doesn’t speak much on bad days, but on others, like today, he’s coherent and answers Sapphire’s questions or agrees with her with ease and confidence like the man I once knew.
Albeit slightly slurred or stuttered, but he never gives up trying.
“She’s something really special, brother.” Cole sounds in awe of Sapphire’s patience with Dad.
“She is.” She’s patient with me too.
And she laughs at the small things that I often get uptight about, things she seems to be able to brush off, unbothered. It makes me notice that I don’t always have to control everything.
Like today for instance. It wasn’t the disaster I catastrophized in my head. No one died, the world didn’t end when I didn’t get back to my apartment by the time I calculated we would. It’s been nice. Easy.
Slowly, I feel her energy seep into me, and seeing how she handles minor distractions without panic, I realize I can too, showing me that life doesn’t fall apart when things aren’t perfect.
Her calm and easy smile makes my racing mind feel a little quieter at times too.
Since we started walking, I’ve noticed myself breathing differently. My chest isn’t tight, and the need to make everything perfect doesn’t scream as loudly.
“Hold on to that one.”
“I’m going to try.”
I want to believe I can, but as I watch her laugh with my dad, a flicker of doubt slips through me. Nothing this good ever seems to last, but I sure as hell want to hold on to her for as long as I can. Infinity would be my choice.
Shut up, Eli, now you’re getting ahead of yourself.