Chapter 35 #2
The firewalk was the best part of the weekend, and my heart was racing for about an hour afterward as adrenaline finally caught up with me.
“And now”—Simone’s steady voice sounds louder as she strolls between the group, moving toward us—“you will take that bond you have built between the two of you over the weekend, and make it even stronger.”
Strangely, I feel closer to Sapphire than I have with anyone before.
“By now, you should be ready to share your most precious secret, trusting them to keep it.”
This sounds deep. Raw and almost fragile, and something gnaws inside of me, telling me this is the time I fess up and tell Sapphire about my OCD, my next action step to fully letting her in.
“To start, I want you to stare into each other’s eyes and simply look at one another. Nothing more. Just breathe. What do you feel? What do you see? Take note.” Simone pauses, giving us time to focus.
The world fades away around us until there’s only me, only Sapphire, and the silence between us. Without words, something moves through the space we share. There’s no pretense, no bravado, no confrontation; just connection reflecting back at me.
Simone’s voice, which is much quieter now, says, “Repeat after me. This is my safe space.”
“This is my safe space.” The low murmur is the only hint that there are other people around us, because all I see and hear is Sapphire.
“I trust you,” Simone says, urging us to repeat her mantra.
“I trust you,” Sapphire and I say in unison. “I do,” I tag on the end, making her cheeks flush.
Thank you, she mouths shyly.
“Repeat,” Simone prompts, “I trust you.”
“I trust you, Sapphire.” I add her name, saying and meaning it with my whole chest.
“I trust you too, Elijah.” Sapphire’s voice is small, but there’s no doubt in my mind she means it too.
“This circle is free of judgment.” Simone smoothly sails past us as if she’s floating. “Now, breathe in through your nose.”
Sapphire and I inhale in a deep breath, mirroring each other’s movements.
“And out through the mouth.” Simone’s warm voice drops to a whisper. “You are safe here. This is your safe space.”
We let out a long exhale and I swallow, my body relaxing under the guidance of a guru.
“Whatever is on your mind, whatever you want to share, tell the person in front of you. In your own time, share the thing that scares you the most.”
Then we’re plunged into silence for a moment until, from across the room, a few mutters start as people begin to share their deepest worries, their voices low so that no one else but the person in front of them can hear them.
Sapphire is the first to unravel, her voice laced with a sad undertone. “It hurts me when people tell me I’m too much sometimes.”
My eyebrows shoot up to my hairline in surprise, but I don’t interrupt when she adds, “I act like I don’t care, but I do. I know I have a bubbly personality, get excited about things, and can be over the top, but that’s who I am.”
I hate it that she feels this way. “I love your energy. You make me feel better.” Like a tonic for my soul.
“I would never change for anyone.” This is the most serious I’ve ever known her.
“I wouldn’t expect you to.”
“But it hurts when people make fun of me, or they say they find me entertaining. I’m not trying to be entertaining; I’m just being me.” She stalls as if too afraid to share her precious secrets. “My positive cup is always half full.”
My cup feels full since I met her. It’s overflowing.
Like she’s walking on tiptoes, she adds, “I’m not immature or childish, I just like life and want to help others find their happy too.”
“I like that you don’t take life too seriously; it’s what gave your business an edge.”
“It still hurts when people call me names, though. I do try to brush it off, but sometimes it’s a little tricky to unstick.”
I’m mad inside that anyone would make her feel like that.
Hell, I even told her she was annoying and said she was too much and I hate myself even more for it.
I try to discipline my voice to maintain control when I say, “Yes, you’re bubbly, but you’re not loud, you’re exciting, but you never interrupt anyone.
Don’t ever apologize for being happy and full of life.
You listen to people, Sapphire, and you pay attention.
Don’t listen to the people who try to tear you down.
That’s a them problem, not a you problem. You’re a vibe.”
“Thank you.” Her tone is gentle, almost shy and very un-Sapphire. “I’m a vibe?”
“Yes. Just not in the mornings.” She takes a while to wake up fully and can be a little cranky before she has her first matcha latte of the day.
Her teeth shine back at me as she curves her lips upward. “You notice everything about me.”
“I do.”
The low mutter of talk continues on around us as our eyes refuse to part.
“I have something else to share.” Her voice is almost musical.
I wasn’t expecting that, but okay.
She shimmies her shoulders as if shaking off some nervous energy before she shares, “My mom and dad are not married and have an open relationship.”
That’s not what I was expecting her to say.
“They made that decision long after I was born. My dad is my dad, biologically.” Sapphire scrunches her nose up as if she’s worried I’ll judge her based on their life choice, which I would never do.
Different strokes and all that. “Thank you for telling me.”
Her voice shaky, she says with a wince, “It’s just, when, you know, you finally meet them, I thought it would be best to give you a heads-up. They are very open about it.”
They appear to be open about everything.
“You want me to meet your parents?” I actually can’t wait to meet the two people who seem like characters that brought an extraordinary woman into the world.
“I do. I’ve never introduced a boyfriend to them before because they’re different.”
“None of that matters to me. I want to meet them if that’s what you want.”
“I do. I’m not into swinging and open relationships, just in case you’re wondering,” she adds, as if I had already considered that.
“I wasn’t.” I wouldn’t share her with anyone, even if she were. I’m hers and she’s mine. Period.
My pulse races because I know she’s expecting me to go next.
At first, I feel awkward, with a slight tension in my jaw, and I see a flicker of doubt in Sapphire’s eyes as if she’s not expecting me to open up, but she holds space for me, letting me take my time.
“Breathe, Elijah.” Her thumb finds my cheek, and she brushes it back and forth, soothingly, the motion a soft anchor.
My normally steadfast armor is slipping with each passing second.
The silence deepens, then I take the plunge, my lips parting. “I have a subtype of OCD called just-right OCD.”
“I know.” She nods, her eyes turning watery as if she’s overwhelmed by me sharing the deepest part of myself.
“You do?” I can’t believe it.
“I figured it out.” A small tear trails down her cheek. “From the way you fold the towels in the bathroom to moving the pieces on your chess sets, I know, Eli, and I’m so happy that you told me. It means you trust me.”
It affects every touch point of my life. Redoing tasks is time-consuming; even cooking a simple meal seems to take me forever too, and don’t get me started on how difficult it is to delegate tasks at work. I think Tessa might be on the verge of going crazy if I don’t give her more work to do.
Now that I know she knows, every bit of tension slowly leaves my shoulders as the quiver of vulnerability turns into quiet relief.
Her eyes soften around the edges, her hand moving from my face to my arm where she gives it a gentle, reassuring squeeze, a silent gesture that she sees me and accepts me for all that I am.
Breath by breath, she stays there, the room feeling lighter, the walls I’ve built around me crumbling away, tumble by slow tumble.
“It only started when my dad was diagnosed.”
“I figured that out too, Elijah.”
“That’s because you’re smart.” Smarter than me. “And kind.” I lift my hand and run my fingers through her hair.
“I love it when you do that.” She leans into my touch.
“I love doing it.” I never want to stop touching her.
Next, I admit something else I feel needs to be shared: “I always feel like I need to be in control, and the alignment thing helps me feel that way.” I pause. “Dad’s diagnosis makes me feel out of control. There’s nothing I can do to help him.”
“Yes, there is, Elijah.”
“There’s not, I’m not a medical specialist or a professor, I can’t fix him.” And the medication is decades away from a cure and then it will be too late.
“No, you’re not a medical researcher, but that’s not your job. Your job is to be his son and to be there for him. Support him. Visit him. Listen to him when he wants to talk. Play his favorite music. Tell him about your day. That’s how you help. By just being there, with him. That’s all.”
Her words hit me like a bullet train, shattering everything I’ve been overthinking.
She’s right.
I can help. When she breaks it down like that, I feel foolish. I almost made this whole thing about me, when it’s about my dad, and all he needs me to do is be there for him. As if the fog has lifted, the penny has dropped and I realize it’s not as scary talking about it.
The tightness in my chest loosens, my hands relaxing with relief, and when Sapphire smiles warmly, I know that hiding my condition has been worse than sharing it with her.
“I might have taken longer to decide on the venue for our staff conference because I wanted to spend more time with you.”
She playfully bites her bottom lip between her teeth before she admits, “And I might have lied about attending Nathan and Arianna’s wedding to get a better idea of your family’s values because I wanted to spend more time with you too.”
I go all fucking in, as if she’s guiding me to share more. “I’m falling for you.” I have been since the day we met.
“I’m falling for you, too.”
And that’s when a much bigger shift happens, our words bringing us closer together. It’s magical, transformational.
And afterward, when we leave the session hand in hand, in silence, I take her back to the yurt pouring my love into her through my touch, giving her my heart that has somehow belonged to her since the first day she walked into my office and changed my life for the better.
It doesn’t matter if we’re in a hotel or a yurt; it could be a tin shed for all I care. As long as I’m with her, nothing else matters.
It’s clear that this retreat was exactly what I needed, and Sapphire knew that too. She knows what I need even when I don’t, and letting go of control and putting trust in her, in everyone, is a game-changer for me.
I already know everything is going to be okay. Because when it comes to her, trust isn’t a choice; she’s showing me it’s easy.