Chapter 43
ELI
“Eli.” Someone shakes me, jostling me. “Wake up.”
I open my eyes, blinking quickly, trying to focus and get my bearings, with my vision blurry and patchy. The half-closed blinds cast striped shadows across the walls.
I’m at the hospital, by my dad’s bed. The sound of the monitors and equipment beeping, the breathing apparatus puffing air in and out of Dad’s lungs.
He’s alive.
“Sorry, I must have fallen asleep,” I tell Cole, my voice groggy.
“For several hours,” he says, sounding amused, looking ready for the gym in workout gear.
Confused, I check the time on the wall: eight o’clock.
“Is it morning?”
“Yeah.”
I slept all night in this chair, as evidenced by the stiff neck I now have.
Giving it a roll one way and then the other, I dig my fingers into the muscles of my neck, then lift my arms over my head to stretch out my aching body, feeling like I’ve gone several rounds with a heavyweight boxer. Fuck, it hurts.
Not just my body, but my heart too.
“You look like shit.” Cole removes his hoodie and hangs it on the back of the door.
“I feel worse.” I deserve to feel wretched. After the things I said to Sapphire, I don’t deserve anything less.
Yesterday, I fucked up. Big.
I don’t even know what made me say what I said. That’s not me, never.
Then she told me she loved me again, and I never said it back before she stormed out of my office. I need to get home and feed Ghost, I owe her that at the very least. And an apology; she deserves the biggest one.
I tried calling her several times last night to apologize, but each time it went to voicemail. She clearly doesn’t want to talk to me, and I don’t blame her.
I was cruel.
Condemning.
She’s the best thing to have ever happened to me and I pushed her away.
Forever? I hope the fuck not. I love her and I have to tell her that. She needs to know.
“You should text Sapphire to let her know you’re safe. She’ll be worried about you.”
“I don’t think so.” I exhale, long and heavy. I find an interesting spot on the floor, unable to look at Cole, my guilt tangible enough for him to feel. “I said some things to her yesterday that I shouldn’t have.”
Cole drops into the chair next to me. “What happened?”
“I fucked up, that’s what happened, brother.” I lean forward, place my elbows on my knees and run my hands through my hair. “I… I…” I can’t even bring myself to repeat my cruel words.
Cole lays his hand on my shoulder. “You can tell me, Eli. Trust me.”
I don’t even know where to begin.
A long silence stretches between us, and I know what I’m about to tell him is the rawest and most real thing I’ve ever shared with him.
My voice drops, deep and uneven when I say, “I have something to tell you first.”
“What is it?”
I continue to stare at the floor and swallow hard, my palms clasped tight around my knees.
“I’ve got OCD. A form of it. It’s called just-right OCD, triggered by Dad’s illness.
It gets bad sometimes. Aligning things, straightening objects.
I don’t clean, or count, I line things up until, in my head, they are just right.
Sometimes I do it over and over. Like I am stuck in a loop. It gets dark sometimes.”
I flick my eyes to his but Cole’s expression is soft and warm. Non-judgmental. He doesn’t say anything, squeezing my shoulder in reassurance for me to continue.
“I didn’t want to tell you, or anyone,” I add.
“I didn’t want people to look at me differently.
Everyone thinks I am this strong guy who has everything handled.
But the truth is, since Dad was diagnosed, this weird thing happened in my head, and it triggered my need to control everything around me because Dad’s illness is the one thing I can’t do anything about.
So I fix, move, rearrange, align, then do it all over again until the feeling of discomfort eases.
I can’t explain why I do it. My therapist said it’s to do with stress levels and feelings of uncertainty.
” I can barely finish what I want to say, but I force the words out.
“The uncertainty of what life will be like without Dad.”
I shake my head and drop my forehead into my hands, digging my fingers into my scalp. “Since we found out about Dad, I’ve been fighting with my own brain, and I hate it. Something snapped inside of me that day.”
The weight of my confession sits heavy between us.
Cole leans forward. “You’re still you, still Eli, still my brother. Nothing will ever change that.”
I let out a slow and shaky breath, my shoulders dropping an inch. “For months now it’s been improving.”
“Is that since you met Sapphire?” He knows how good she is for me.
I know how good she is for me.
“Yeah,” I reply.
“Did Dad’s fall trigger it again?”
I nod, my jaw tight, grinding my teeth together.
“The checking, the thoughts, the routine, it’s all come rushing back and I couldn’t stop it.
” I rub my temples. “And I know Sapphire, I saw the way she was looking at me yesterday like she wanted to fix me because she could see I wasn’t okay.
I’ve been avoiding her and every time she’s tried to reach out, I’ve pulled back.
Like I was protecting her from me, my illness.
I don’t know. None of it makes sense to me anymore.
I couldn’t let her in.” I tap my temple.
“So I told her she couldn’t fix me with her sparkle and brightness and that I didn’t want her trying.
I said things that made it seem like it was about her, when really it was all about me, ’cause I’m so fucking scared she’ll see too much, the worst of who I am and finally give up.
Anything good always leaves or doesn’t last.”
Cole corrects me. “It won’t last if you push it away.”
I look up and stare at Dad lying in the hospital bed, my heart aching for him and how his life has changed dramatically these last few years.
My brother knows I’m struggling and says, “And when Dad passes that’s something none of us can stop. The only thing that matters is how we spend the time we still have with him. That includes sitting next to him even on days like today.”
“Sapphire said the same.” I wipe under my nose, my voice breaking, eyes stinging as emotion gets the better of me.
“Dad loves Sapphire,” Cole states. “He mentions her every time I visit. When he wakes up, he’ll be expecting her to be here.”
God, he really will. I arch my neck and eye the ceiling, pulling air into my lungs.
“I lost myself yesterday and said some incredibly mean things to her. Like I was doing it to get space, to feel in control again? I don’t know.
She didn’t even offer advice or tell me things I should be doing to help. I just jumped to conclusions.”
“And all you succeeded in doing was pushing away the love of your fucking life, when the only thing she wanted to do was just be there for you when you were ready. It sounds like you were scared. Once the storm inside your head started, you couldn’t stop it.”
Cole’s right. “Since when did you get so smart, brother?”
He shrugs.
“I was cruel though.”
“So what are you going to do to fix it?”
I feel instantly better, and a light goes on in my head. “Go to her.”
“Now?” Cole asks, looking at the time.
“Yes. Now.”
Cole’s brow furrows. “Wait, didn’t you say Sapphire’s parents live near the Sierra foothills?”
“Yes, why?”
Cole sits frozen for a moment, saying nothing, covering his mouth to stop himself from blurting out whatever is on the tip of his tongue.
“Cole!” I bark.
He pulls his cell out of his pocket, typing faster than I’ve ever seen him, then he shows me his screen, and I read the headline of the news story.
Storm Pummels Sierra Foothills Area, Triggering Mudslide
My heart skips a beat, my pulse racing around my veins like wildfire.
“I tried calling her last night. She didn’t pick up.” She once told me that even if she was mad at me, she would pick up because she was an adult and she didn’t play emotional mind games. “Something’s happened to her.” I know it. A feeling in my gut I can’t explain.
“Try her again,” Cole instructs, taking control of the situation.
I jump to my feet, grab my phone off the nightstand next to Dad’s bed, and put my phone on speaker so Cole can hear, but the call goes straight to voicemail.
“Do you have a contact number for her mom and dad?” Cole asks, his voice strong and commanding.
“No, but her best friend Mistee will.”
“Call her. Now.” He points at my phone.
One call to Mistee, who confirms she can’t get through to her either, and I’m one step closer to Sapphire.
Then I’m dialing the number she gave me, pacing back and forth, praying that Sapphire is mad at me and that’s why she didn’t answer her phone last night, and that nothing has happened to the woman I’ve given my whole damn heart to.
“Hello?” A woman’s voice answers.
I stop dead and clear my throat. “Hey, ma’am, you don’t know me but this is Eli Hart, Sapphire’s boyfriend.”
“Hey, Eli.” She sounds just like Sapphire, her tone bright and cheery.
I push my hand into my hair, trying to control my emotions and keep the franticness out of my voice. “I wondered if I could speak to Sapphire. I’ve tried her phone several times, and she’s not picking up.”
“She’s not here, dear.”
“What do you mean she’s not there?” I stop dead and pull at the ends of my hair frantically.
“As in, she didn’t turn up last night?”
“What? Not at all?”
“No, I thought she’d changed her mind because of the weather warning but she usually tells me if she’s not coming.”
Dread swirls deep in my stomach, gnawing at my guts, and I feel like I’m going to throw up. “I’ve just called Mistee; she borrowed her car and left yesterday.”
This is all my fault. I should have gone with her, or made her stay. Chased after her when she left my office. Begged her to stay, told her how sorry I am, that I didn’t mean what I said and that I love her.
“There have been aerial firefighters and helicopters flying above all morning.”
“Are you both safe?” I ask, concerned for Sapphire’s parents’ well-being.
“Yes. The mudslide was several miles away. It missed us completely.”
I hold my hand over my heart, relieved that they are untouched.
“Eli, where is Sapphire?” Sapphire’s mom goes quiet. “Where’s my Sapphy?”
I answer honestly. “I don’t know. But I’m going to find her.”
“We have to find my baby, Eli.” Her voice cracks.
“We’re going to. I promise. Do you have a car?”
“Yes.”
“Do you think you could drive to the affected area? They should have an Incident Command Post. They will have a triage and treatment area for casualties.”
If she’s hurt, I will never forgive myself. I can’t think about that now.
Sapphire’s mom adds, “We’ll leave now.”
“And call the fire department,” I instruct. “To report her missing.”
My girl is missing.
I’ve never wanted to be able to fly a plane so much in my whole fucking life. If I did I would be out of the hospital and on my way already.
“As soon as we find the Incident Command Post, I will call you, Eli.”
“Please, please,” I urge, “call me as soon as possible, ma’am.”
“It’s Lydia. Craig and Lydia.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Lydia.” I wish it were under better circumstances. “Sapphire’s going to be okay.”
Lydia drops her voice. “She survived sandstorms in Slab City; she can survive a rainstorm.”
But can she survive a mudslide? That’s something different altogether. I keep my thoughts to myself.
“Call me,” I say before Lydia quickly reels off to Craig, explaining what’s happened, the mild panic in her fast words making me panic even more too. I hang up the call with Lydia.
Cole’s already making a call, jumping into action, holding his finger in the air to stop me from talking.
“Hey, Keller, how are you, man?” He lets Keller reply.
“Good, good, hey, I need your help, urgently. Are you still a search and rescue pilot?” Cole throws a punch into the air victoriously.
“Fucking A, do you have your own helicopter? Or can you fly one if I can get one for you?”
Max appears through the doorway with Paige, to visit Dad like they do every day. I’m so fucking happy he worked everything out with her; they couldn’t be more perfect for each other.
I hold my finger up to my mouth to shush them as Max mouths, What’s happening?
I quickly catch him up, then Cole and I are kissing Dad on the cheek quickly, saying goodbye, telling him we love him.
He’s oblivious to the chaos going on around him.
Cole and I dash out the door on our way to the airport, and I’m calling back to Max as I run along the hospital corridor to ask him and Paige if they can go and check on Ghost and feed him at my apartment.
Before I know it, I’m in Cole’s car, and he’s driving us to the airport, where he’s arranged to meet Keller, his friend, who has a helicopter that can help us find my girl, along with someone called Dexter who is a highly skilled emergency responder.
Hold tight, Sapphire, I’m coming to rescue you, baby.