Chapter 5
ARI
Shit.
I rest the back of my head against the mirrored elevator wall and stare at my reflection in the ceiling mirror. I can’t even look at myself without feeling sick to my stomach.
I slept with Nathaniel Hart.
The man I wanted to get close to, but not carnally.
I used sleeping with him as an excuse to get into his apartment when what actually happened was I overslept then lost the opportunity to snoop around from fear of him waking up before I left.
Which did happen, but at least our interaction was brief.
My remorse and guilt is palpable, and it’s speeding through my body as fast as a lightning bolt. Scratch that; it feels faster. More like the re-entry speed of a space shuttle.
An overwhelming wave of fear crashes over me without warning, the suffocating tightness in my chest making it difficult to breathe.
What am I doing?
Should I call my new workplace first thing Monday and tell them I’m not taking the job anymore?
Because what if he sees me?
What then?
Game over.
Boom!
Everything I’ve been planning for years will go up in flames.
So why then did I jeopardize everything for one night of sex?
It was great sex.
Life changing.
Possibly not, but it felt like it was.
It was just sex, Ari. Stop trying to convince yourself otherwise.
My inner reasoning flips back and forth between right and wrong, good and bad, success and failure.
It wasn’t just sex.
It wasn’t.
It was more.
Way more.
It was sex with someone I was drawn to like a bee to nectar and couldn’t resist a taste of. All despite knowing I may now have risked everything.
I’ve been such a fool.
The loud ringing in my ears makes my eardrums feel like they are wired to a fire alarm that’s screaming in my skull, and the tightness across my chest almost becomes unbearable.
It feels like someone has punched all the air out of my lungs, which makes me clench the fabric of my dress in my fist right over my heart.
Pull yourself together, Ari. Now is not the time to give up.
It’s a setback, nothing more.
Or maybe I’m overthinking.
Closing my eyes, I release a deep sigh that’s heavy with shame and regret and silently pray the elevator will stop spinning like a tornado tearing through town.
I feel like I’m losing my mind.
I take another breath in.
Then blow out and hold it for a split second.
I do the same over and over again, until the sense of unbearable doom that was creeping its way through my body backs off, and I imagine myself stamping it underfoot and crushing it to smithereens.
“You’re freaking out, stop freaking out.” I open my eyes, give my head a shake, still feeling unstable.
Which I am.
It was foolish of me to think that my plan was ever going to work.
Turns out I didn’t factor me into that plan.
Or how I would react to meeting him. Nathan.
I made myself very visible. Too visible. And recognizable.
I worked out every outcome, strategically made my move like a chess player, and positioned myself into a new workplace like a master plotting the perfect gambit.
And yet the unpredictability of coming face-to-face with him made me pull the pin, blowing it all to pieces. It wasn’t even a calculated risk; it was downright stupid of me.
I guess there’s no going back now.
I have to see this through.
I’ll adapt. Adjust to this mini hiccup.
And I will win.
Feeling stronger, I roll my shoulders back, drawing power back into my body, then stand tall and plant my feet, firmly bracing myself like a warrior before battle.
I can do this.
I will do this.
And no one is going to stop me.