Chapter 5 #2
“Don’t be,” she smiled, “it’s been a learning process.
You should have seen me when I first arrived.
I never thought I’d get better.” Positivity radiated from her face to the point she almost glowed.
“This place isn’t as bad as you might think.
Some of the therapists and doctors actually want to help you get better. ”
“I disagree with Miss Silver Lining over here,” said Thelma.
“You’re also going through withdrawal, Momma,” Kendi placed a hand on the older woman's arm, comforting her. “They’ll get you sorted out, and you’ll be back on the wagon in no time, and I’ll be there every step of the way.”
“I’m glad you have enough positive thoughts for the both of us because I doubt these quacks can figure out what to give me that doesn’t make me sick.” Thelma pushed her tray back to the middle of the table, obviously not wanting to try and stomach any of the food right now.
“What brought you here?” Kendi asked. Even though she turned her attention toward she still gently rubbed the older woman's arm in an attempt to reassure her. Thelma had turned her gaze out the window, though she didn’t make a move to push Kendi's hand away like she had her tray.
“They keep telling me I tried to kill myself,” I stated, trying not to get myself annoyed at having to repeat the process of explaining what happened.
It wasn’t my hallmate's fault that no one had bothered to believe me since it had happened, and the last thing I could afford to do was isolate myself from what few people I was allowed to talk to. If anyone was going to understand what I was going through, maybe it would be one of them. My fellow prisoners of the asylum would believe that I wasn’t crazy.
“What do you mean?” Kendi’s eyes dipped to the bruises around my neck. Even after several days, they hadn’t faded; “They turned a deeper shade of purple around where the belt had been wrapped around me.
“My ex-boyfriend tried to kill me. I didn’t do this,” I waved my bandaged arm up in emphasis.
There was no point beating around the bush.
The professionals in this place might not believe me since Craig had given a statement to both the police and EMTs while I was unconscious, but I was desperate just for anyone to listen.
I had to wonder whether I had broken his nose during the altercation and whether he was able to explain it away.
But then I remembered the episode the doctor had used to explain away my behavior, per what Craig had told him, the perfect cover for any evidence that I had defended myself against him.
Kendi’s eyes went wide. “He tried to kill you?”
I nodded, taking a bite of my bacon, “I’m counting two attempts from my injuries.
I remember he tried to strangle me, but I wasn’t awake for the attempt on my arm.
” Most of what had happened before he pushed me over the landing banister had slowly come back to me.
“But the mother fucker is the one who called the ambulance. My neighbors probably heard my dog going nuts or me screaming and called someone. I’m guessing when he realized his attempt failed, he told the police he found me like that. ”
“And the doctors don’t believe you?” She asked.
“No, he told them I’d been suicidal for a while, and that I used to…” I trailed off, unsure if I wanted to reveal that information.
“Used to what? You won't find any judgment here, Raelynn.”
Her voice was so sincere. I thought for a moment, debating on if it would be worth talking about.
That inner demon was a part of my life I had hidden from my friends and coworkers.
Not only did I find it hard to open up to anyone about it, but they never really knew how to react.
It felt unfair to put them in a position to shoulder the burden that was mine alone to bear.
The only living person who knew how I handled stress, besides Craig, was my sister Michelle.
What was the worst that could happen? I was locked in an institution with people suffering just like I was, so I guess she had a point.
If ever I was going to be in a place where I could safely talk about what I went through, it would be here.
“Cut myself. I used to cut myself.” Putting the words out there made a pit form in my stomach, the food I had already eaten threatening to turn against me.
I’d never said the words so bluntly or haphazardly.
The only reason Craig even knew about my past was that he had seen me naked and lured me into a false sense of security.
I had picked up habits over the years to make sure I stayed covered around anyone who might ask questions or look at me with judgment in their eyes.
I already judged myself almost every time I looked in a mirror; I didn’t need to add others' opinions to the mix already in my mind.
Kendi didn’t look at me with pity or judgment. I couldn’t tell if she believed my story or if she thought I was crazy, just like the doctors did. She just accepted my truth for what it was and moved the conversation along.
“We all have our demons,” she said, not knowing how nice it was to hear someone put me in a group with them instead of being left on the outside.
“What I’ve learned from mine is that it doesn’t matter what you suffer with, but how you live with it.
I don’t think we will ever be rid of our monsters, but it’s a battle worth fighting. I’m not one to let mine win.”
A genuine smile graced my face for the first time in a long while.
Rather than sugar coating that we were all, in fact here for a reason, she helped me look at it as a challenge instead.
I was still angry, that was never going to change, but I needed to face a monster that wasn’t just in my head but roaming free as well.
Giving up wasn’t something that was programmed in me to do, and I’d die before I let him win.
Thelma, who had appeared not to be paying attention to our conversation, nodded her head in agreement.
Kendi seemed to have an affect on those around her.
Letting her personality and gentle heart speak for themselves when she spoke to others.
I had to wonder what violent demons she had faced to make her heart so open in an attempt to heal others.