May 18th 2020
It’s been a while since I’ve seen Craig. We haven’t been intimate in a few weeks, he said he felt like our relationship was becoming too dependent on sex, and how shallow it was to make it the foundation of our future. We finally went out on a date last weekend, but I’m afraid I messed it up.
After dinner, we had been talking about cars. I confessed to Craig that I had never driven a manual car before. The Eclipse he drives is a manual. Though I’ve never really had the desire to learn how to drive one, he told me he could easily teach me in the restaurant’s parking lot.
It started off ok, until I kept stalling it out.
The seat was too low and too far back for me to see properly over the steering wheel.
But he said it was broken and couldn’t be moved to accommodate my height, or rather, the lack thereof.
I found it difficult to press down on the clutch without pulling myself up on the steering wheel so my leg could reach, but even that trick didn’t help.
On the fifth time, the car stalled out when I tried to put it into gear, he started hitting his fists on the dashboard.
It scared me to the point that both my feet came off the pedals, and the car jerked quickly to a stop.
He grabbed the keys out of the ignition, as I started crying.
I shouldn’t have done that, I shouldn’t have cried so much when he was just upset, because I might have done damage to his car.
He doesn’t like crying; it makes him yell.
I got out of the car as he continued yelling, telling me that I had almost totaled his car, that I needed to be medicated if I was going to cry this much over constructive criticism. Sitting down on the curb in front of an empty storefront, I watched him get into his car and leave.
I think we are over this time. I know I shouldn’t have cried; he’s made it clear that he doesn’t like that, but my heart was broken all the same.
I had to call my sister to come pick me up, and lied to her.
She’s not a huge fan of Craig and has been wanting me to break up with him for a few months now.
I don’t know why I lied; it just felt like telling her the truth would be a betrayal.
I told her that I had been drinking with some co-workers, and we had some miscommunication, and I accidentally got left behind when they ordered an Uber.
She picked me up without asking any questions, though the look on her face made me think she didn’t really believe me.
I don’t know if Craig and I will be able to work this out, but on the off chance we can, I don’t want her hating him more than she already does.
She wouldn’t understand that I was left there because it was my fault.