Chapter 19 The Phoenix #2
I reminded myself to stay focused, not giving in to the tempting thoughts that had nothing to do with therapy, and let Kendi loop her arm with mine, leading me along with the rest of the group.
It wasn’t the time or the place to get lost in my head.
Keeping my left hand clamped painfully around my right wasn’t an obtainable task, as Jessica instructed us to form a circle with our individual blankets.
Hesitantly, I released my arm and unfolded mine, shaking it out in a spot between Kendi and Andrew before sitting cross-legged in the center of it.
Daxton and Jessica sat directly across from the three of us, Thelma sitting to their left and Tyson to their right.
Behind them, the early morning light shimmered between the branches of the trees, making shadows wave between them, coming and going like a hypnotizing game of hide and seek.
Mature trees with dark bark covering their branches were reaching for the sky, grasping to obtain the same independence that no doubt all the patients here longed for as well.
A gentle breeze picked up a colorful mix of fallen leaves, a cacophony of reds, browns, oranges, and yellows swirled around our group as Jessica got started with the topics for the day.
“We are going to discuss how to improve our communication skills and how to build a stable support system outside of the clinic today,” She started, glancing over at Daxton to continue.
“We typically stress support systems for anyone struggling with an addiction, but with the right support, it can help with any form of mental illness,” He continued for her, his deep voice dominating the conversation without effort.
“Unlike with programs like AA, which helps set you up with sponsors, it’s up to you to make connections for support systems; that’s where communication comes in. ”
“How many of you have a decent support system outside of the clinic with peers that are judgment-free?” Jessica inquired, looking hopefully at our group.
Raising my hand, I glanced around the circle.
Other than myself, the only other ones who raised their hands were Kendi and Tyson.
Andrew never glanced up from his hands where he was focused on picking at his nails, his unruly curly hair obscuring his eyes from view.
Thelma didn’t look ashamed that her hands were still at her sides.
She had spoken before that, due to her addiction, she’d lost a lot with her family.
“What’s your support system like, Tyson?
” Daxton questioned, the dark skinned man raising his head to look at the therapist. Typically, Tyson didn’t speak much.
Kendi had explained to me that his medication for schizophrenia made him so relaxed he was almost always in a zombie-like state as they tried to adjust his dosage.
“My wife, she’s been my biggest support since-” His eyes were glazed over thanks to his medication, his focus going in and out as he lost his train of thought.
“Since when?” Jessican prompted gently.
It took him a moment to reel himself back in from a place none of us could see, “Since we got together, almost ten years ago.”
“Did she know about your diagnosis then?” Daxton asked.
“Uh, yeah, she did. She’s always been supportive, even when the meds stop helping and I, uh,” he hesitated, “start having issues again.”
“That’s good, Tyson. That’s really good that she’s been by your side through everything,” Jessica praised him for speaking out, seeming to sense that he was starting to drift back off into his own little world as she switched focus to someone else.
“Kendi, what about you? What’s your support like at home? ”
“It’s wonderful, my entire family has always been there for me,” she said happily.
“That’s good to hear, Kendi. What about you, Raelynn?” Daxton asked, his gaze making my face heat.
“I have my sister, that's about it,” I said, refusing to back down from his intense dark eyes. I should cower, I should be meek, I should be concerned about what made him enthralled by my dark fantasies, but I couldn’t help but want to rise to the challenge as I pushed my nerves so far down I could pretend they didn’t exist.
“So most of you have relied on family as a support system. What makes you hesitate about reaching out to anyone else to add to it?” Even though Jessica was speaking, Daxton's gaze remained on me as she spoke.
“Judgment,” said Thelma, tucking short strands of her gray hair behind her ears.
“What are some things you’re afraid of being judged about?” Asked Daxton, finally glancing over at my older hallmate. Though my cheeks still felt hot even with his eyes no longer on me.
“If someone hasn’t been through addiction or struggled with a problem like we have, they might view it as a weakness,” Thelma elaborated on her statement with confidence.
“That’s a valid fear. Unfortunately, one that a lot of people have given us, intentionally or not, a reason to be afraid of.
It’s hard to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, especially when the taboo nature of mental illness and addiction draws unwanted negative energy and can make you almost like a social pariah even in today's society.” Daxton uncrossed his legs as he spoke, stretching his long limbs out before him while he leaned back on his arms, his biceps bulging in his black sweater.
“What would be a good way to try and overcome this?” Jessica looked around the group for someone who hadn’t yet spoken. When no one started volunteering their thoughts, she asked Kendi if she had any suggestions to share.
“Maybe try to find people with common interests? Building rapport and a level of trust before branching out to topics that might be uncomfortable to approach with a complete stranger?” She didn’t sound extremely sure of her responses.
From our previous conversations, her friend group wasn’t aware of her issues, just like my friends from work were in the dark about my past.
“Not bad ideas, it’s definitely easier talking about the harder topics once you’ve built a good foundation for a relationship with someone.” Jessica said positively, “Does anyone else have any ideas?”
“My parents made me join a support group through school before I graduated,” whispered Andrew, so quietly he was barely heard.
“Good Andrew, that’s really good. Support groups through organizations, like school, are also a great way to find like-minded people, or at least people who can empathize with what it’s like to be different,” Jessica responded encouragingly, since Andrew rarely spoke in our group therapy sessions.
“When each of you is discharged, you’ll be provided with a list of support groups in our area that are geared towards your individual needs as well as a therapist outside of the hospital to help you navigate life outside of a controlled environment,” said Daxton.
I couldn’t help but admire his rugged beauty and how, even though his face was cast into dark shadows from the sun being behind him, he was still the only thing catching my eyes.
A silence descended upon our group, the only sounds coming from the gentle forest behind us. The trees groaned as they swayed in the gentle breeze, branches long since fallen to the forest floor snapping under the gentle weight of the wildlife that lingered just out of sight.
“We thought you might enjoy staying outside since it’s such a nice day before we take you back to lunch,” announced Jessica.
“Those who wish to remain in the courtyard are welcome to stay with me and Cindy. Anyone wanting to take another walk through a few of the trails in the woods is able to do so with Daxton. Just please return your blankets to the bench where Cindy is sitting before you do so.”
I felt Kendi's grin before I saw it. Everyone was rising from their spots on the ground, Daxton being kind enough to help Thelma up, and not paying a bit of attention to us.
“I’d love to know why you’re smiling like the Joker who just caught Batman in his trap,” I hissed, folding my blanket as she bounced up and down on her feet.
“Go on the walk,” She urged, her smile never faltering.
“Okay, we can go if you want, though I think Thelma’s arthritis is bothering her with the weather changing,” I indicated her slight limp as she headed over to the benches with Tyson and Andrew.
“Not with us Rae. Go by yourself,” She said, and that’s when it struck me what she was hinting at.
I wanted to argue. Before I could voice anything against what she suggested, she continued.
“Girl, step outside of your comfort zone. It may be nothing, but take a risk, nothing epic ever happened from sitting on the sidelines.”
Without waiting for me to respond, or completely decide if I was going on the walk or not, she grabbed my half-folded blanket out of my hands, turned, and took off after everyone else, leaving me alone with Daxton standing at the beginning of a trail.
His arms hung loosely at his sides, his muscled shoulders relaxed along with the rest of his body.
“No one else wants to join us for a walk?” He asked the group as I walked to his side. Jessica shook her head and gave him the go-ahead, agreeing to meet up in an hour to go back inside for lunch.
“I guess it’s just you and me, Rae,” he mused, inviting me to walk beside him as we entered the woods alone.
Fall was in full swing, the colors bursting through the canopy above us as we walked deeper into the surrounding trees.
The Appalachian Mountains were beautiful year-round, but in the autumn, they were breathtaking.
Their allure did nothing to distract me from the parade of panic trying to overtake me from being alone with him.
“You look happy today,” he observed as we walked beside each other at a leisurely pace. The space between us seemed both too far and too close if that was possible.