Chapter 13
Iswear the air is crisper when I wake up this morning. Even Gus seems to be in a better mood when he crawls out of his nook on the shelf tucked between the wall and my bed.
“Good morning, handsome,” I greet him as he stretches his little legs and crawls across my comforter to my lap for his routine morning pets. “I’ll get you some more of those treats you like when I’m out today, okay?” I ask, as if he’s going to respond.
I like to imagine he understands me perfectly and that he’d answer if he could. Regardless, I know he’ll be excited for his treats. He’s a grateful boy.
My phone chimes, and I groan when I see who it’s from.
Adrianna.
Stepmother: I know you’re off today, but that doesn’t mean you get to slack off. I need you to finish my gown for the rehearsal dinner.
Which isn’t for almost a month still.
I have to get more fabric today if you want the train to still be ten feet. Don’t worry; it will be finished on time.
Stepmother: Ten feet minimum. I want to be the center of attention. Get some extra material to make me a matching pantsuit in case I change my mind.
I know the type of material she wants, and it’s not cheap. She’s just doing this to be cruel and waste my time. She and I both know she’s going to wear the gown. She’s been going on about it since the engagement. But arguing with her will get me nowhere.
Of course, ma’am.
Stepmother: Do I sense sarcasm in your message?
No. Of course not.
Stepmother: Good.
I twirl my thumbs, trying to decide if now is a good time to ask her the question that’s been lingering in my mind lately, especially with my dad’s birthday coming up.
A weird sense of bravery washes over me. I can’t tell if it’s good or bad, but it’s too late to think it through because I already typed my message and hit Send.
Do you think I’ll be able to go over to the house and have one thing?
She replies almost immediately.
Stepmother: If you wish to steal from me, you can do it without my help. Besides, you already have many of their items. You can have the rest when I’m finally able to dispose of your last name.
My heart sinks.
Maybe I should do it without her help, take what I want and don’t look back. But she wouldn’t hesitate to charge me, and I don’t need new problems on my plate.
I don’t type out the words I want to say because those wouldn’t get me anywhere. So, instead, I appeal to her ego.
I understand. Thank you.
She sends a thumbs-up emoji, and I toss my phone to the end of the bed. The weather must’ve felt my mood because I check my Weather app, and it says it’s going to be cloudy all day.
Great.
When I glance over at my dressers, my mood picks up ever so slightly. If there’s anything that’ll make me feel better, it’s wearing a fun outfit that I’ve designed and created.
I spend the next half hour getting ready to leave, carefully putting together my outfit and doing my hair and makeup.
After a little deliberation, I decide on my floral-painted, slightly flared blue jeans and one of my corset tank tops in a pretty pastel blue. The color reminds me of the extensions I wore when meeting Dean and Asher.
I still can’t believe I let them go down on me in the gazebo. That’s insane. But there’s something about the way they look at me … it makes me feel so alive. I might be lying or concealing who I am, but I’m still me, and they seem to genuinely like me.
I don’t want to sound annoying or conceited, but I’ve never let myself explore these types of feelings before. I was homeschooled most of my life until now. I didn’t have a prom or attend sporting events.
I didn’t get to meet boys or flirt. I’ve lived most of my life in my head, thinking, overthinking, and then thinking some more, constantly wondering if the decisions I’m making are the right ones. Does anybody ever really know? Or is that what we’re all trying to figure out on our own?
I have no idea if meeting up with Dean or Asher was the right decision. The answer is likely no if you take my stepmother’s rules and blackmail into consideration. But if you’re evaluating it from a place of my happiness … then it was a perfect choice.
I just don’t know which voice to listen to—passion or reason. I’m torn, and, God, these boys aren’t making it any easier. Especially after our last gazebo date.
Their eyes and mouths devoured me. They tore me down to the most basic cell structure and built me anew. I’d never experienced anything like that before.
I mean, before the night of the engagement party, I’d only had a kiss or two, shared with guys I had no real interest in. They had kissed me more than I kissed them.
But no one had ever touched my body or explored it the way Dean and Asher did. I’m a bit scared of what our next meeting will look like, given the escalation of our last. Part of me can’t stop imagining it … both of them wanting me… taking me.
There’s something so dirty and sexy about having them both. I thought it would feel unnatural, sharing them, but they’ve made it feel so right and meant to be. I don’t even question it when I’m with them.
Thankfully, at the recent meet though, I was smart enough not to give them my phone number. I was already slipping up when Asher saw Gus as my wallpaper.
But when I remembered what Ash was going to school for, I figured not letting him have my number would be for the best. I didn’t know what sneaky tech tools he had. He might be able to figure out who the phone was registered to, and I couldn’t risk that.
But I haven’t texted them yet.
At first, the urge was so strong, but the longer I sit and think about messaging them, the more anxious I get.
Is it really a good idea to open up a whole new channel of communication between us?
I could end all of this by never seeing them again or messaging them. It would be torturous, but I could do it. I’ve done harder things in my life.
Besides, we would all be better off without this secret between us. Logically, it can’t end well.
“Ugh,” I growl in frustration, wishing I could just talk to my dad or my mom. They were always the best people to go to for advice.
I know Jules and Myra are trying their best to help, but I think they may be biased on which path I should take.
I love all that they’ve done for me, but in the back of my mind, I can’t help worrying that they’re working for my stepmother.
They’ve never given me any reason to believe that.
I know it’s just Adrianna’s voice in my head, telling me not to get close to them or to trust them.
Having her as my inner voice has done horrible things to my psyche after all these years.
Add my next decision to the list of bad choices I’ve been making recently. But screw it. I need to see it.
Digging through my wardrobe, I find the chest bag I’m looking for and slip it over my shoulder.
“Come on, Gus-Gus. Let’s go for a walk.”
I stretch my hand out to him, and he climbs on. Carefully, I tuck him into the big front pocket of my chest bag.
“We’re ditching class today.”
It’s a longer walk than I anticipated, but two miles later, I turn onto Woods Boulevard, nostalgia punching me in the heart.
“This is where I used to live, Gus.”
I swear he pops his head up, as if he understood me, his whiskers twitching in the air.
“Not this one,” I tell him as he glances at the blue house on the corner. “The green one with ivy growing on the brick, up here on the left.”
I know I can’t go inside, but even being in the vicinity of my parents’ home makes me feel closer to them somehow. Twenty more feet down the sidewalk, and I turn to face my childhood home.
For a moment, I can nearly see my dad chasing me through the yard while my mom sat in her deck chair, watching with a smile and a laugh. They were such happy people. We all were. Until Adrianna entered the picture.
She sucked all things good from my life without any remorse.
I think that’s what I struggle with the most. How can she be so cruel and not feel bad afterward?
If I so much as step on a bug or accidentally hurt someone’s feelings, it eats me alive.
Yet she can take over my family name, burn through all of my dad’s money, and treat me worse than the dirt on her shoe without batting an eye.
I can’t understand it. Maybe that’s a good thing.
“I think we’ll sit here for a few minutes, buddy,” I tell Gus as I plop down onto the sidewalk, pulling my legs into a crisscross position. “I wouldn’t have to hide you if they were still here. They loved all forms of life, even the little guys like you.”
The sun breaks through the clouds overhead, instantly warming me. My eyes well up with tears as the comforting rays envelop me. If there was ever to be a sign that they were still here with me, I’d like to believe it’s this.
Gus’s whiskers shimmer in the sunlight, his nose wriggling as he takes in all kinds of new smells.
I wish I could ask them what I should do about Dean and Asher. Would they have supported me if I chose to be with them both? Would they have hated me if choosing them cost me the house?
I know they wouldn’t have hated me, and they’d have supported whatever I chose to do as long as I did it with love.
But I can’t let Adrianna win this war. Even if I have to fight it alone, I will show everyone who she really is.
A bird lands on the front porch, chirping a tune, and Gus wiggles deeper into my pocket.
I know I won’t be able to stay here for long without starting to burn up, especially if the sun is going to keep shining bright. We’ll enjoy the peace and quiet for a bit and then head back to campus to swing by the fabric store.
“One time, when I was little, my dad and I were playing hide-and-seek. I actually found a hidden crawl space in the house. Only he and I knew about it. We would hide secret notes to each other in there. Sometimes, he’d leave presents too. It was like a magic place that existed only for us.”
Another story pops in my mind.