15
“Tell me, how was it at Riley”s last night?” my mom asks at the breakfast table, a cup of green tea in her hands.
“Good, it was cozy as always. We were a nice small group.”
“And was that football player there too? Lester?”
“His name is Jester, and yes, he was there.” Jester is the kicker for the Washington Sharks and my ex-boyfriend - if you can even call him that. We were together for a few weeks this summer. Until I found out he had a little fling on the side because I didn”t give it up right away. He said I got him so hot and bothered that he just had to relieve some pressure somewhere else. Idiot. I gave him the boot that very day. Since then, he”s been trying to win me back at every opportunity.
“I find him nice and good-looking,” Mom comments.
“And he”s anything but faithful,” I say, seeing a shadow pass over her face.
“Oh, that”s certainly unpleasant,” she says, getting up and going to the kitchenette. While she pours herself fresh tea, I look at her. With her silky black hair and slender figure, you could easily mistake her for me from behind, even though she”s currently much thinner than I am. She”s lost quite a bit of weight. Her jeans are practically hanging off her legs. I wonder if she”s eating less because she”s sad. It must be hard for her to suddenly be living alone in Aberdeen. She must miss Dad and me.
“How is it for you without us?” I ask, and she turns to me with a pained expression on her face.
“I”d be lying if I said it was easy,” she says, lips twisting into a wistful smile.
“But you”re managing fine without Dad and me, right?”
“Of course. Emma, dear, you shouldn”t worry about me. I”m doing well.” That doesn”t sound sincere. Mom hides her face behind her big teacup, taking a sip. Then she comes over to me and sits back down at the table. Looking down at the newspaper next to her, she casually asks, “How”s your father, by the way?” The question confuses me. I mean, they must talk regularly on the phone. Right? I think about it, but I can”t remember overhearing a conversation between them. Something about this seems odd.
“He”s doing well,” I reply, watching her face closely. It doesn”t show any reaction.
“And he really couldn”t come home for the holidays?”
There! A hint of sadness crosses her face.
“No, as I said, he couldn”t. Coach Thornton insisted that one of us stay present and available for the team over Christmas.”
“Tzzz, Bill,” she mutters with disdain in her voice. That”s enough, something isn”t right.
“Okay, Mom, what”s going on here?”
“What do you mean?”
“Don”t play dumb. I want to know what”s happening between Dad and you. Are you fighting?”
“Fighting? No, everything is fine between us.”
Oh yeah? Then why do I see tears welling up in her eyes? I reach across the table to take her hand. The touch makes her sniffle.
“Come on, Mom, tell me. What”s going on?”
“Your father and I, we have... well, we have a few problems. Nothing dramatic. But it”s bothering me a little.”
“What kind of problems?”
“Oh, as I said, nothing dramatic. It”ll be fine. Let”s drop the subject.” She doesn”t say anything more about it, and I don”t press further. I know my mother well enough to understand that she won”t discuss this with me. That”s how my parents have always been. No matter how bad their fights got, they never let me feel it. Admittedly, until today, I was perfectly fine with them keeping me out of their arguments. But now, seeing how desperate my mother is, I feel like I need to get involved. I”ll grill Dad about it when I”m back in Portland. He”s more likely to spill the beans than Mom. Whatever problem they have, it would be a surprise if there wasn”t a solution.
“Okay, you don”t have to talk about it. But you should know that I”m here for you if you need me,” I say softly, stroking the back of her hand. “If there”s anything I can do, just let me know.” She nods and gets up to get a tissue.
“Thank you, my darling. Hey, weren”t you supposed to meet Riley today?” she diverts from the topic.
“Yes, we were planning to go to the mall with Mason and get some stuff for the New Year”s Eve party. Speaking of Riley; can I use your phone to call her?” I left mine in Portland. At first, I thought about asking Dad to mail it to me, but then I figured the distance from Caleb and the Devils might do me good. Now, I”m trying to get by without a phone and push away the recurring thoughts of the forward. And since nothing helps my heavy heart better than distraction, I”ve filled almost every free minute with plans with my friends.
“Of course, my dear.” Mom picks up her phone from the sideboard and hands it to me.
“Thanks.” I dial my friend”s number and confirm our mall outing.
In the next few days, I shop extensively, dance, go to the movies, and have dinner with Riley and her quarterback, Cole. Even though I”m having a lot of fun, I can”t get Caleb out of my head. I keep seeing him in front of me - how he pressed me against the glass door of the cigar shop with that intense gaze. I feel his proximity, penetrating every cell of my body. On New Year”s Eve night, I dream about him. We”re in front of the cigar shop again, but this time, I don”t tell him to go back to Jessica; instead, I kiss him. I take what my heart desires and am rewarded with an indescribable sense of happiness. When I wake up the next morning and realize Caleb isn”t by my side because I rejected him, I feel miserable. For the first time, I”m afraid I made a mistake. I think I should have let him in. Now, I”ve messed up and driven him back into that stupid witch”s arms. My mood is at rock-bottom as I drive to Coach Klark”s house for the New Year”s Eve party. The old wooden house brings back memories. Man, how many times have I celebrated here with the Washington White Sharks team. The guys are almost as cool as the Devils. But only almost, I hear Toby say in my thoughts, no one is as cool as we are. I chuckle, I can”t wait to go back tomorrow and see him and the others again.
“Emma, wow, you look fantastic,” Jester greets me as soon as I step through the door. As always, he has his dark brown hair tied up in a bun, which, along with his full beard, gives him a hipster look. “Can I get you something to drink? Beer, wine, champagne? I think I have a bottle of champagne in my room, actually.” He winks at me.
“No, thanks. I don”t want anything.” He doesn”t need to know that I hardly drink alcohol anymore after that night at the Brillant. “Have you seen Riley?”
“Yeah, she was in the backyard a little while ago. I think she”s preparing some of those lanterns for midnight.”
“Thanks.” I leave my ex and go through the back door into the garden illuminated by torches. The last time I was here, I sat with Riley down by the creek and poured my heart out to her, tears streaming down my face. Today, finding her almost in the same spot, I feel like crying all over again.
“Hey, Emma, are you here to help me?”
“Sure.” I try to force a smile, which obviously fails.
“What”s wrong?” Riley lets go of the lantern umbrella she”s unfolding and looks at me with furrowed brows. Of course, I can”t fool her. She knows me too well.
“Oh, it”s nothing,” I try to downplay it anyway because I don”t want to ruin her evening with my mood. “How can I help?”
“You know I won”t let it go, spill it. What”s on your mind?” Sighing, I look up and meet my friend”s gaze. She looks beautiful with her blonde curls, big blue eyes, and that gentle expression. I know she”s glowing because she”s so happy with Cole. A wave of nostalgia washes over me. Something in my heart tells me I could be just as happy with Caleb.
“Emma, you...” Two rowdy football players coming out of the back door interrupt us. They sit on the bottom step and light up a cigarette, watching us with glazed eyes. “Come.” Riley takes me by the hand and leads me down the riverbank. We sit on a rock that sticks halfway out of the water. Here we”re alone and can talk in peace. “So, what”s going on with you? Is it about that hockey guy? Caleb?”
I look at her in surprise. While I”ve told her a lot about him, I”ve never let on that I have feelings for him. Otherwise, she would have grilled me the whole time. Or worse, suggested that he come over and celebrate New Year”s with us. And that”s exactly what I didn”t want. I wanted distance to finally get him out of my head.
“How do you know it”s about Caleb?”
“Emma, sweetheart, I”ve known you for almost my entire life. Do you really think I can”t tell when something”s bothering you?”
“Then why didn”t you say anything?”
“Because I didn”t want to pressure you. But I have a feeling you”ve been feeling worse these past few days.”
I press my lips together and nod.
“So, what”s going on with this Caleb?” I sigh, take a moment to consider where to start, and then pour my heart out to my friend.
“I told you about that playoff party, right?”
“The one at Caleb”s loft, yes.”
I nod.
“At that party, I met his girlfriend, Jessica. She”s a beast, completely lost it because I”m the new masseuse.”
“Jealous?”
“Very much so. Anyway, she started insulting and berating me.”
“Even though she didn”t even know you? What a bitch.”
“Mhm. She called me a whore, so I threw my soda in her face.”
Riley grins. I know what she”s thinking: Typical Emma. Well done!
“But that”s not the point. After that, I took off and Caleb followed me.” The cigar shop comes to my mind again, and how he held me captive between his arms. God, I feel like I can smell him, that”s how vivid the memory is. “He made me admit that I want him. To be honest, I”ve wanted him from the first day. There”s something special about him that captivates me. And then he said he wanted to hear exactly that.”
“But that sounds good,” my friend says as I gaze at the dark river beside us.
“I told him to go back to Jessica because I didn”t want to be the reason their relationship fell apart.”
Riley clicks her tongue in annoyance at that.
“If he chased after you instead of calming down his angry shrew, then I assume their relationship was already on the rocks.”
“Probably.” I shrug. “He actually wanted to go up right away that night and end things with her.”
“But?”
“But I told him to leave it because I...”
“Because you didn”t want to stand between him and his girlfriend, I get it,” she interrupts me. I turn my gaze back to Riley, who now looks at me not with pity, but with anger. “Emma, I know you despise women who deliberately push themselves into relationships and destroy them. But with Caleb and Jessica, there was nothing left to destroy. That was obvious. I hate to repeat myself, but the guy left his girl hanging and chased after you. Hello! You don”t do that if your partner means anything to you.”
I have to agree with her. And thinking back, it was really sweet of him to chase after me. He left all his guests just for me. A warm feeling spreads in my chest, and my brain starts working. Caleb really intended to leave Jessica that night. I saw it in his eyes. He was serious. Damn, he even shouted after me. The memory of the desperate sound of his voice sends shivers down my arms. Damn, I made a mistake. A damn stupid mistake! At least it”s not my decision whether he”s had enough of Jessica or not and whether he wants me. I wouldn”t have taken him away from her. In truth, she had already lost him. A disgusting pull awakens in my stomach. What have I done?
“What”s going through your mind?” my friend”s voice reaches me.
“That I made a mistake.”
“Hallelujah, you got it. And now, what”s your plan?”
“No idea,” I”d rather cry.
“Alright, then I”ll tell you what you”re going to do.” Riley leans in close, looking at me firmly in the eyes. “You”re going to go back to Portland tomorrow and set things right. You”ll tell Caleb that you”ve had time to think about it, and you”ve changed your mind.”
“And what if he”s still with Jessica?”
“Whether they”re together or not doesn”t matter. This is solely about you telling him what you really feel. If you don”t, you”ll regret it forever, wondering what you let slip through your fingers.” Riley”s right. I need to tell him how I feel – admit that I made a mistake. I lean forward, hugging my friend. “And with a woman who called you a whore, you don”t need to have any pity,” she adds firmly.
“Thank you,” I say against her blonde hair.
“Always,” she replies gently. “And now,” she says with a grin as I let her go, “let”s party.”
The New Year”s Eve party at Coach Klark”s holiday home is amazing. Alec grills burgers for everyone, trying to convince us they taste better with strawberry jam than with ketchup. Mason spends the whole evening with his phone in hand, video calling his girlfriend in Germany, and Riley and I dance until our feet are sore with Cole and a few others in the living room. At midnight, a few defensive players set off a massive firework display that must have cost several hundred dollars. It”s an unforgettable evening, and even though I miss Caleb, I enjoy spending New Year”s with my friends.
The goodbye the next day is hard – especially with Mom. By the time I”ve said goodbye to everyone and hit the road, it”s early afternoon. During the drive, I contemplate what I”ll say to Caleb. It”s not so easy, because every time I think about seeing him again, countless butterflies distract me, swirling through my stomach.
In Portland, I”m greeted by Dad. He spent his first Christmas without his family and is sentimental. To celebrate, he”s cooked for us. I”d love to call Caleb first, but my phone isn”t on the nightstand where I remember leaving it before heading to Aberdeen. Dad calls that the food will be ready in five minutes, so I have to wait a bit longer to make the call. I quickly jump in the shower before sitting at the table in my bathrobe. We have spaghetti Bolognese, or rather overcooked pasta with a sauce that tastes slightly burnt. But hey, it”s the thought that counts. For his sake, I force myself to eat everything while we chat. He wants to know how Aberdeen was, what”s new with Riley, and how I spent New Year”s. He doesn”t say a word about Mom. Just as I”m about to broach the subject, he starts telling me about his time here. How he hardly had to massage anyone over the holidays, partly because Caleb had a motorcycle accident. My fork slips from my hand.
“What? When?” Dad looks at me, surprised by my horror.
“The night of the playoff party.” Oh my God. My throat tightens, and my heart painfully clenches.
“What happened? Please tell me he”s okay.” My father furrows his brow, but answers, “He was at the Brillant and drank way too much. I think they even had to pump his stomach at the hospital. Anyway, he went off the road on his way back with his motorcycle.”
I have to press my hands against my lips to keep from crying out in despair.
“Emma, what”s wrong?”
What”s wrong? I made the biggest mistake of my life. I rejected the man I desire more than anything and am responsible for his accident. There”s no doubt in my mind. I”m to blame!
“How is he?” I ask with a choked voice.
“He”s better now. He had to stay in the hospital for a few days. As far as I know, he was lucky, just a few scrapes.”
Oh, thank you, God, thank you!
“I didn”t know you cared so much about this guy. Are you two together?”
“No, it”s... complicated.”
“Complicated...” Dad”s phone rings, prompting him to get up and take it from the kitchen counter where it”s charging.
“Bill! Hey, everything alright?... What?... I see... Sure, I”ll come. Be there in ten minutes.”
“Everything okay?” I inquire as he takes the car keys from the shelf.
“Durand pulled a thigh muscle. I have to go check it out. We”ll talk later?”
“Sure.”
Dad is barely out the door when I shoot up and head to my room. Like a madwoman, I search the room for my phone. I find it in the gap between my bed”s headboard and the mattress. It probably slipped in there while I was packing. As feared, the battery is dead. Damn! With trembling hands, I dig my charger out of the suitcase and plug the phone in. Then I wait impatiently, tapping my toes, until it has enough juice to turn on. It takes an eternity, but finally, it boots up. The minutes feel like hours. When it finally does, I see 497 WhatsApp messages, 49 missed calls, and 2 text messages. On an inner impulse, I open the texts first. Both are from Caleb!
First message received on December 22 at 9:36 PM:
*I”ve left Jessica.
My stomach glows with excitement. He left her. He actually left her!
Second message received on December 22 at 9:37 PM:
*Emma, the only woman in this world that I want is you. I won”t accept your ‘no’ any longer. You belong to me, and you know it.
“Caleb,” I whisper as I sit on the bed, reading the messages again. I can hardly believe my luck. He”s free, he actually left Jessica. Now nothing stands in our way. I press the phone to my chest, realizing something: Caleb sent me these messages eleven days ago. He”ll think I intentionally didn”t reply because I still don”t want him. Damn it, I should have had the phone shipped to me. What if he got fed up with the whole thing? The thought terrifies me. Please, I can”t mess this up again just because I forgot my phone! I feverishly think about what to do. The easiest would be to call him directly to sort things out. But it feels wrong. Before I realize what I”m doing, I throw on some clothes, unplug my phone, and head to Caleb”s loft.