Breaking Through the Pain (Espen Jetties #1)

1. Devon

1

DEVON

Two days after Christmas and Espen was still full of the holiday spirit. People were walking down the sidewalk in heavy coats with scarves wrapped around their necks, shopping bags in one hand, a hot drink in another. There were wreaths hanging in store fronts with big red bows on them. Some had windows adorned with twinkling lights, while others had an entire scene playing out.

I drove past a small group of musicians. Their melody could be heard through my closed windows since I didn’t have the radio on. It was happy and upbeat as a woman sang. Another block away were a few street vendors selling what looked like gear for New Year’s Eve.

The light up ahead turned from green to yellow to red. I slowed my truck down to a stop in front of people who were ringing bells as others walked by. Some stopped to leave donations. Espen City Shelter was on the sign propped up next to the carolers. It was a place I’d volunteered my time at on countless occasions.

Being one of the Jetties meant we were involved in the community. Our owner, Kasper Warnes-Wilder, was as much a part of this city as the teams who played here were. But he was more than just the man who brought me to Espen. He was the kind of person who had the backs of his players. Who was there regardless of the situation. It was one of the reasons I accepted his offer to play for him. That and the freedom to be who I really was.

The green light ahead signaled me to move on from the carolers. I’d already stopped and picked up lunch from O’Malley’s, knowing my mom hadn’t gone there in a while. She ate healthy, but every now and then, she gave in to her cravings for one of their burgers. It wasn’t my go-to meal but when I was buying for her, I got myself a burger too.

I drove farther down the road, made a few turns, until the traffic started to thin a little and the sidewalks had less people on them. It wasn’t a bad neighborhood, just not a place where there was as much activity. The stores here were more mom-and-pop types, not big labels selling expensive brands. And on the corner of Market and Thirty-Second was the urgent care my mom worked at.

About a block away I was able to find parking, which wasn’t easy in my truck. I had a Ford F-150 Super Cab, which I had taken to a shop to have custom work done on. The windows were tinted dark. There was a lift kit and big, beefy tires on it with thick treads. The audio system had been upgraded. The list went on and on. I always loved trucks and after a few years with the Jetties, I traded my older model—that had seen better days—in for this one.

With lunch in one hand, I locked my truck with the other and walked to the urgent care, keeping my head down, hoping no one would recognize me. When I first came to Espen five years ago, I stayed in when I could. Now I’d somewhat gotten used to the attention, but that didn’t mean I loved it. I’d rather stay under the radar when I was out in public. I was the complete opposite of my teammate, King. He enjoyed every bit of the limelight.

A bell above the door sounded when I stepped inside, causing Donna, who worked behind the front desk, to lift her head from her computer and smile at me. There was a little Christmas tree on top of the desk with white lights glowing on it and tiny ornaments.

Donna had a patient in front of her who must have been checking out. He had his arm in a sling and was taking out his wallet to pay. I stopped a few feet behind him to wait to speak to her. I never just went back to see my mom. She could be with a patient or on the phone. I didn’t want to interrupt when she was in the middle of something.

The bag I was holding crinkled when I moved, causing the guy in front of me to turn in my direction briefly before focusing on the paperwork he was handed. Then he did a double take and his eyes widened when he got a good look at me. “Oh my god. You’re Devon D’Agostino. Holy shit. You play for the Jetties.”

I gave him a small smile while wishing the floor would swallow me whole. “I do.”

He thrust his paperwork at me. “Can you sign this?”

“You want me to sign your receipt?”

He ducked his head for a moment before setting it on the counter. That was when he caught the doctor’s name on it and put two and two together. “Your mom is the doctor here?”

Before I could respond, Donna handed the guy a slip of blank paper and a pen. He thanked her and gave it to me. I took a few seconds to ask for his name and signed the paper for him, then handed it back.

“Thanks, man. This is amazing. Here I thought I was having a bad day when I hurt my arm, but then I got to meet you in person. Made my afternoon so much better.”

“Glad I could help,” I replied sincerely.

He thanked Donna and shook my hand before leaving.

Donna smiled at me. “You could have avoided that if you’d walked to the back and waited for me. I would have gotten to you after he left.” She was aware of how I felt about the attention I received.

“You know I don’t feel right about doing that. I can wait out here.”

She shook her head, but her smile held. “Come on. I think your mom is in the break room since it’s quiet now.” Hopefully she hadn’t already gotten lunch for the day. Sometimes she brought it with her, others she liked to stop in at the restaurant down the block. It had all kinds of healthy food she loved.

I followed Donna past the patient rooms, past the area where they took X-rays and other diagnostic testing, past a few offices to where there was a big break room. In there I found my mom sitting with Lincoln, who I knew was one of the nurses on staff. He glanced up when the door opened. His light brown hair was pushed away from his face. Bright green eyes met mine as a small smile played on his lips.

We’d always been cordial with one another but for some reason, I got tongue-tied around him. Every single time. I became the shy, awkward guy who behaved like I’d never seen a gorgeous man before.

Maybe it was the scruff he always wore, which made me wonder what it would feel like to have it rubbed against my skin. Or maybe it was the full sleeve of tattoos he had on his left arm which always seemed to get my blood pumping and moving south, exactly where it shouldn’t be headed right now.

Mom stood and came over to me. “Dev, what brings you in today? Are you feeling okay?” My mom was always a worrier when it came to the ones she loved.

I leaned down to kiss her on the cheek. She was seven inches shorter than my six-foot frame. Her dark blond hair, same color as my own, was pulled back into a high bun.

“Everything’s fine. I came by with lunch.” I held up the bag.

Her eyes widened when she saw the O’Malley’s logo. “You’ve always been my favorite son.”

“I’m your only son. Only child for that matter.”

“That’s beside the point. You know the way to my heart.”

I smiled. “I do.” I had a great relationship with my parents. It was the kind where I could talk to them about anything, and they’d make time to listen and help me. I never took them for granted.

Mom sighed. “I just finished eating.”

“How did you get your food down that fast? I just saw a patient leave.”

“Linc took care of him while I ducked in here for a bite.”

Just like that, my eyes were back on him. But he didn’t look up. Instead, he focused on the sandwich in front of him which he was removing from a bag.

“You can save it for dinner,” I offered. They had a fridge here where it would stay cold until she left tonight.

“That burger won’t taste nearly as good heated up.” She took the bag from me, sat it on the table where Lincoln was, and started pulling the two meals out, along with the condiments. “Sit. You and Linc can eat this.”

Before I could protest, Lincoln said, “No, I can’t take your lunch, Nat. I know how much you love those burgers.”

“Then you also know how I couldn’t stand to see it go to waste.” She held the container out to him. “I insist.”

“I’m fine, really. I brought my lunch.”

“This will taste much better than ham and cheese.”

He had to give in, or she wouldn’t relent. That was how Mom was. She was strong, assertive, and always liked getting her way.

Lincoln pushed his sandwich aside and took the container from her. “Fine, but at least let me give you money for it.”

“No,” I cut in. “It’s nothing, really. Don’t worry about it.”

He nodded. “Thanks.”

When she was facing me again, she said, “There. Now you and Linc enjoy lunch together, while I get the patient who just walked in. I heard the bell.” Lincoln started to stand up. “No, you don’t,” Mom told him. “I got this handled. Eat. Leigh can help me.” She was one of the other nurses who worked here.

With that, Mom was gone, shutting the door behind her, leaving me in a room full of awkwardness.

Lincoln opened the container then peered over at me. “You sure you don’t want me to give you anything for this?”

“Yeah.” I stuffed my hands in the front pockets of my waist length, gray wool coat, not sure what else to do with myself.

Did my mom really think I was going to sit and have lunch with someone I hardly knew? Yes, she and Lincoln had worked together for a while, but I didn’t know him like she did. The extent of our conversations was asking how the other one was when I came in here to see my mom.

The chair across from Linc scraped over the floor, pulling my attention to it. He was pushing it out with his foot. “You should sit and eat.” He nodded toward the food.

Sure, I could do this. I could sit across from a man I found incredibly attractive and have a meal like it was no big deal.

Fuck, why was I like this? I’d thought after years in the NHL I could pull myself together and be a normal human being. But no, that only happened when I was on the ice. There, I was in my element. I was strong, confident, knew what to do. Here, in this room with Lincoln in front of me, it was like I forgot how to function.

I took the seat and opened the container to take out my burger. Two bites in, I realized I forgot to get something to drink. Lincoln must have noticed as well because he stood and went to the fridge to grab a bottle of water. I didn’t miss the slight limp he had but my gaze quickly went from that to his ass. It was nice and round. One I wouldn’t mind the opportunity to get my hands on. Fuck, I had to stop thinking about him like this.

Mom never offered up much information about Lincoln. Not that I dug for it. She wasn’t one to gossip. All she told me was that he was a hard worker, smart as hell, and he used to be in the Navy.

Lincoln came back to the table and handed me the water.

“Thank you.”

“Anytime.” He took his seat again.

After a long pull from the bottle, I tried to think of something to say. Something to talk about. But I came up empty. Thankfully, Lincoln spoke.

“You guys are playing great this year.”

I nodded. “I’m hoping we can make the playoffs again.” We were on track to do so, but I hated thinking of anything as a sure bet. I didn’t want to jinx it. Last season, we were eliminated in the second round. It sucked, but the team seemed to be even more focused this season to get us to where we needed to be.

Silence descended again as we both ate. My mind was working overtime trying to keep my gaze from him. There were so many beautiful pieces tattooed on his arm. I would have loved to see them up close. My eyes kept wandering to them. Damn, his arms were sexy. Muscular but not overly so. He wasn’t bodybuilder big, but he was broader than me. I was all lean muscle. I had to stay in shape to be fast on the ice. But I’d never be big like Lincoln was. I wasn’t built that way.

Images of him holding me down in bed came to my mind. I had to shake them away. I didn’t even know if he was straight or gay or something else. Being pan myself, I didn’t have a preference.

Well, maybe I did.

It was Lincoln.

He was my preference.

Too bad I couldn’t try to get to know him better. To talk to him like I should’ve been. To, I didn’t know, maybe ask him on a date and see what happened. See if he was interested. But no. I couldn’t do that when I couldn’t even hold a conversation. I hated being like this. Instead, I was left to imagine what could have been if I had grown a set and opened my damn mouth.

The burger became my sole focus until my mom came back in to check and see if Lincoln had finished. She needed help with something.

It wasn’t until he left the room, the scent of his cologne lingering behind, that I finally took a deep breath and relaxed. I didn’t know what it was about him, but since the first time I saw him, I wanted him. If only I could get my brain on the same page as my dick so I could be brave enough to ask him to have dinner with me.