25. Devon
25
DEVON
How was it days could pass, the sun could rise and set repeatedly, yet I still felt like I was in Lincoln’s apartment with him? Standing there, hoping he’d call me back to him? But the words never came. Only darkness and sorrow unlike anything I’d ever known once the door closed. I guess that was what happened when you loved and lost.
Long after the locker room cleared out, I sat and kept my head hung down. I played terribly tonight. Worse than I did at the home game the day after my world shattered. Tonight was a failure of epic proportions.
The Jetties had been crushing it all season. Even the last home game we won—barely. Tonight, we lost three to nothing. I might as well not have been playing for all the help I was.
King and Hayes tried to talk to me after. They knew something was wrong, but I had yet to pour my heart out to anyone. Every time I thought about Lincoln and how he was alone dealing with the pain, my heart hurt. Tears sprang to my eyes. It was more than him not wanting to be with me. I hurt because he did. And there was nothing I could do about it.
Not only was I no help to my team, but I wasn’t to the man I loved either. And I did love him. Fuck, I loved him so damn much. Apparently when I loved, I did so with every part of my very being. That was probably why I hurt all over. It wasn’t from a fight during the game or an injury, neither of which happened to me tonight. I wasn’t angry out there. I was resigned. Felt like nothing I did was good enough, so I just kept playing like shit.
Coach should have pulled me, but I think he had hoped I’d turn it around. I didn’t. Instead, I got up close and personal with him when he chewed my ass out in front of the team afterward. He was probably more pissed that I didn’t seem to care about his anger. I just blinked at him, not really listening, my mind back in New Jersey in an apartment with someone I no longer had in my life.
The quiet of the room pressed down on me. I finally stood and started stripping out of my gear. A chill coated me when the cool air of the room hit my still sweat-slicked skin. Grabbing my stuff, I walked to the showers. One was running. I didn’t think anyone was here. As I walked past, I saw Jansen with his hands braced on the wall, head down, hot water beating on his back, making his skin red.
“Jansen, you okay?” I called over to him.
“Not in the slightest.” He lifted his head to peer over his shoulder at me. “You?”
“Nope.”
I took the spot next to him and turned on the water. I went through the motions to get clean, ignoring Jansen while I did so. The only place I wanted to be was out of here and back in bed. We weren’t heading home tonight. Tomorrow we were off to another city to play another game, where I knew I had to get my shit together or I’d be fucked.
Jansen’s water shut off, but he didn’t move. I glanced over at him.
“When you’re done, come with me,” he said.
“Where are we going?”
“To my room to drink our troubles away. We’re going to talk and be miserable together.”
“Misery loves company?”
“Misery doesn’t do well drunk alone.”
I nodded then hurried to finish up. Drinking didn’t sound like a bad idea. No, I wasn’t someone who liked to do it often, but nothing else had worked to numb the pain I was in. Maybe liquor would do the trick. I had nothing to lose at this point. One night of drinking wouldn’t do anything to me. Hell, King did it often and nothing happened. Leslie was another story all together.
On the ride to the hotel, Jansen and I were silent in the back seat of the car. I thought about the game tonight. I wasn’t the only one who didn’t give it their best. Jansen was usually a solid defenseman. He was always there when needed. Tonight he was as off his game as I was. And I vaguely remembered him getting chewed out in the locker room too.
The hotel we were staying in wasn’t far from the arena. We slipped in mostly unnoticed. In the elevator were a few fans in Jetties jerseys. We signed autographs, smiled for pictures, and breathed a collective sigh of relief when we were alone in the elevator again.
When we got inside Jansen’s room, he called down to the concierge and ordered us enough liquor to definitely numb the pain. We both took off our jackets to get comfortable. I was sitting in a chair near the window when he joined me in the other one.
“You first,” he said before shutting off his phone and tossing it on the bed. “No one is going to interrupt us tonight. I can’t deal with any more shit.”
It sounded like a good idea, so I did the same. I didn’t feel like reading the concerned texts from King I no doubt was going to receive.
I started off slow, talking about Lincoln. I was trying to be careful to not betray his trust, but certain things had to be said for Jansen to get the full picture. And I trusted him. He’d never gone behind anyone’s back on the team and spilled shit he knew he shouldn’t. What was being said in this room tonight was between us.
The order came. Bottles were opened. Drinks were poured and burned as they went down my throat. By the time I was done, I was feeling warm all over, but not numb.
“Got any advice for me?” I asked, not sure I wanted to hear whatever he had to say.
He barked out a laugh that was filled with anything but humor. “Me? How could I possibly tell you anything intelligent when my love life is in as much of a shambles as yours?”
“Okay, spill.”
“Serilda broke up with me.”
“I’m sorry.”
He waved me off. “I tried so hard not to fall for her. And I was doing good for a bit there. But then my heart got involved and I was hopeless. Looking back, I wonder if I was really in love with her or the idea of finding someone to spend my life with.” He shrugged. “She said it wasn’t working out. She wanted someone to be more present in her life. Since I’m not about to give up hockey, well, that was the end of us. I think she knew what I’d choose though. Gave her an easy out. Then tonight before the game, I stupidly decided to check her social media, only to see comments on one post about her with someone new.”
I groaned. “You searched his name, didn’t you?”
“I was already spiraling. Why not go all the way down the rabbit hole?”
“And?”
“He’s an actor. One I never heard of, but that doesn’t mean much since I’m not someone who has movie nights and cares about the newest box office hit.” He blew out a breath. “She’s moved on at the speed of light and my playing is worthless. What really bothers me is that I’m not sure what to say to her father now.”
My eyebrows furrowed. “What does he have to do with this?”
“He loves hockey, especially the Jetties. I always give him tickets to games when we’re home. He wears my jersey, and his boyfriend always has yours on.” Jansen dramatically rolled his eyes, but I saw the hint of a smile play across his lips.
“You can’t fault the man for good taste.” I leaned back and tried my best to be cocky, but it fell flat thanks to my mood and shit playing tonight.
“Anyway…” he drew out. “I saw Serilda’s dad more than I did her. He lives in Espen. I’d catch dinner sometimes after a game with him and his boyfriend. We always laughed and had a good time. I felt like everything was finally clicking into place. I got along with her family. She charmed mine. And then…” He used his hands to mimic an explosion while his mouth made the sound to go along with it.
I scrubbed my hand over my face and put my glass on the table, not wanting any more to drink. I was feeling loose, but it wasn’t helping me like I’d hoped. Probably because there was nothing that could get rid of this pain short of having the man I loved back in my life.
“I’m swearing off women,” Jansen said, cutting into my thoughts. “I don’t need this drama. I’m going to focus on hockey and nothing else.” He leaned forward and slapped me on the arm. “You should do the same. Obviously, us wallowing isn’t getting us anywhere.” He looked down at his half empty glass and swirled the straight vodka around. “This isn’t doing shit.”
“Not at all.”
“We should have brought King with us to liven our moods.”
“He would have just wanted to hug us after hearing about what we’ve been through, then drag us to a club to dance the night away.”
“Fuck that. Only trouble comes from nightclubs. And more women.” He grimaced.
“I think I’m going to go to sleep and hope tomorrow is better than today.” I stood and stretched my arms above my head, loving the pull on my muscles, then grabbed my phone.
“You’re more optimistic than I am.”
“I’m not, just needed something to say.”
Jansen chuckled and stood as well. “I’ll walk you to the door.”
“I think I can find it on my own.”
“Hey, no one will be able to call Jansen McKenna anything but a gentleman.” I cocked an eyebrow, causing him to roll his eyes. “Okay, so a lot of people call me a lot of things but fuck ’em.” He made a fist and thumped me on the chest. “We’re here to play hockey and kick everyone’s asses.”
God, I wanted his sudden enthusiasm. He had the right frame of mind. It was what I needed to do. Let everything with Lincoln fall to the side. We had games to win. A Cup to reach for. I couldn’t do that if every game I let my head get the best of me. It was going to be hard, but I had to put a cage around my heart. Lock it up for now. I couldn’t let hope in. Couldn’t dream of Lincoln coming back to me. Not when his words were so final regarding our relationship.
“You’re right, Jansen.”
He grinned. “Of course, I am. It’s about time you figured it out.”
“Hockey.” I nodded.
“Hockey!” he yelled at the top of his lungs.
Someone banged on the wall next to us. “Shut the fuck up, Kenna!” Leslie. At least he was in his room and not out anywhere. Good for him.
“Suck me, Knox!”
I could have sworn I heard an “In your dreams,” come back through the wall.
Jansen laughed. “Thank you for coming here with me tonight. I needed this.”
“Anytime, man. You know I’m always here when you need me.”
“I know and we’re always here for you as well. You don’t have to carry everything on your shoulders, D. We’ve got your back.”
“Thanks. I appreciate it.”
Jansen opened the door so I could step out into the hallway. The moment I did, the door next to his opened and Leslie peeked his head out. “Are you two done deep throating each other’s dicks in there? I’m tired.”
Jansen licked his lips as his eyes dramatically fluttered shut. “You have no idea what you’re missing. D tastes so fucking sweet.” He groaned and palmed himself.
“Fuck’s sake,” I muttered. “I’m leaving.” I turned and walked down the hall with their laughter following me.
When I was stripped down to my boxer briefs and lying in bed in the dark, I reached for my phone to turn it back on. A text message still sat unread from Katie. I knew it contained the link to a story about Linc and me. Neither the team nor I commented. Up until now I hadn’t read it. But if I wanted to be able to focus on hockey again, I had to put Lincoln out of mind, even for a little bit. Just enough for a game. And to do that I had to quell my curiosity.
I opened the text, clicked the link, and started reading. There were details about me and who I was seen with. Standard shit for an athlete seen with someone new on their arm. But then as I kept reading, I saw information about Lincoln. There was mention of his time in the Navy. His injuries. And his medals. Ones I didn’t know he had. I’d never seen them, nor had he mentioned them.
The more I read, the more my heart shattered even more than I thought it was capable of. There was still so much I didn’t know about him. Things I wasn’t sure I’d ever get to hear about from his lips. And damn I wanted to. I wanted more time with him. More moments where it was just the two of us lost in each other. I wanted to know everything about him.
I couldn’t do this. I had to stop reading. I closed the article and put my phone on the nightstand. I’d shut it off if I didn’t use it as an alarm.
Tomorrow was another day, another game.
Hockey.
Just like Jansen said.
Everything else had to be pushed aside while I was playing. Afterward, I could let myself fall apart but only briefly. If I was lucky, Lincoln would come back into my life. If not, well, at least I knew what it felt like to be in love.