26. Stephen
26
STEPHEN
I stood here, watching as the door closed behind him. Watching as he took my heart with him. How could a morning so perfect turn into such a disaster?
I’d only meant for him to go home for now and come back later. He shouldn’t have to deal with Serilda’s temper. He’d dealt with it enough when they were together. She was my responsibility. I had to talk to her, not him. He didn’t deserve her wrath. I did. I would move heaven and earth for him.
And then he was gone.
Heels clicked on the floor. Her voice reached my ears from directly behind me. “He better be gone for good.”
My chest ached. Any comfort I’d had when I woke up this morning in the warmth of Jansen’s embrace disappeared. The light that kept my life bright was gone.
My gaze dropped. “Leave.” The word was barely a whisper on my lips, but I had no question when I heard her shriek.
“What?” In that moment, her voice was like nails on a chalkboard. Grating and annoying.
Slowly, I turned to face her. “You heard me. I said leave.”
Her eyes widened. “You’re telling me to leave when you’re the one who decided to fuck my ex-boyfriend? My straight ex-boyfriend.”
She thought her words could hurt me. Nothing could cause more pain than that closed door, knowing Jansen was on the other side. She spent years upon years pushing me away. Everything had always been about her. Her needs. Her desires. Her career.
Not today.
I was done letting her use me as a doormat, only seeing me when it would do something for her. Words paraded through my head. Angry, terrible words. Ones I’d never be able to take back once they left my lips.
Every ounce of energy had drained from my body. I needed Serilda to leave before I said things we would both regret.
“This is my house and you need to leave it. I have nothing to say right now.”
She screamed and yelled. I ignored every single word from her mouth and climbed the staircase. Back to my room. To the last place I was happy. Her screeching followed me until I reached my room and shut the door.
The front door slammed shut and I let out the breath I’d been holding. I leaned against the door, gazing around the room. The rumpled sheets of the bed broke my heart all over again. Every hope and dream I’d had for our future had ended in this room.
I walked to the side of the bed Jansen slept on the night before and ran my fingers over the sheets. His scent still lingered in the room, enveloping my senses. I couldn’t stay in here with it like this any longer.
My eyes burned and the room blurred as I ripped the sheets from the bed. In a daze, I carried then down to the laundry room. I trusted him. Once again, I let a man in. Gave him a part of my heart, only for him to throw it back in my face. When would I learn?
I knew from the beginning I was going to get hurt. The little voice in the back of my head screamed at me not to do it. To keep my distance. Did I listen? No. Apparently, I was a glutton for punishment. Putting myself out there, time and time again, only to have everything I offered trampled to the ground.
As a smart man, it seemed like there was one place I was dumber than dumb. If I really was smart when it came to relationships, I’d avoid them all together. They weren’t worth the heartache. The pain that came when they ended. And they always ended.
I thought things would be different this time. I always thought that. They never were.
I sighed and brushed the tears from my face. I started the machine and went to the living room. Memories of the night before assailed me when I went to sit on the couch. I’d sat in his lap, tasting every inch of him. Just another painful reminder now. I moved to room after room. Each one held different memories than the last.
At least until I walked into my study. The one room we’d never spent any time in. It was a place for work. I wanted to give Jansen all of me. To not give another person the opportunity to leave me because I worked too much. I’d left work there and never spent any time in my study when Jansen had been here. I’d been determined to prove I could give my entire self to the person I was with.
What a mistake that had been.
I sat down at my desk, the pain eating at my chest. There were no memories everywhere I looked in this room. Only the reminder he didn’t have the chance to spend any time here. Leaning back in my chair, I closed my eyes and let the pain overwhelm me.
The tears spilled down my cheeks and I didn’t bother trying to stop them. I thought I found happiness, found my happily ever after. At this point in my life, I didn’t think I was destined to be anything but alone.
A notification sounded on my computer. I ran my fingers across the touchpad. Maybe work would take my mind off Jansen.
I clicked to open my email and saw it wasn’t my work email, but my personal one. An email sat there from Kelly Weaver, the real estate agent who had taken us house hunting yesterday. It was another knife to the chest.
Why not get all the pain out of the way at once? I opened the email, reading her words with a lump in my throat.
Stephen and Jansen,
Thank you so much for letting me take you on the tour of those houses yesterday. I know you weren’t completely in love with any of the choices. This morning, a new listing came on the market. As soon as I saw it, I knew it would be perfect for you. I believe it fits every requirement you have. I’ve attached a few pictures and a link to the listing. Take a look and let me know if it’s one you’d like to walk through.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Kelly Weaver
A sob left my throat. With trembling fingers, I clicked on the link. The house was gorgeous. Long black railings on both the upper balconies and the lower, covered porches. It practically sat on the beach, and the kitchen could easily hold ten people working in there. Each room was bright and welcoming, exactly like we wanted.
I should tell the real estate agent we wouldn’t be purchasing anything. My fingers wouldn’t move over the keys. I didn’t have it in me to put the words in writing.
I picked up my phone and tried calling Jansen. After the way he left, I didn’t expect him to answer. The little bit of hope made me continue to punish myself. It went directly to voicemail, and I dropped the phone onto the desk.
There was no need to talk to anyone on a Sunday. Being perfectly honest, there was no one I wanted to talk to.
The morning sun still brightened the sky as I reached for the decanter I kept on the bookshelf and one of the tumblers. I poured two fingers of the amber liquid and took the glass to the table that sat in front of the small couch. I looked at the glass, running my finger along the rim. Alcohol wouldn’t solve problems, even if it might numb a bit of the pain.
I pushed the glass away and lay down on the couch. Sleeping the day away seemed like a better alternative. Then I wouldn’t have to think about anything. All I had to hope was that my dreams wouldn’t torture me as well.
I closed my eyes and let the exhaustion the morning had brought settle over me and pull me into sleep.
My eyes snapped open, and I looked around, trying to figure out where I was. The bed beneath me was completely uncomfortable. As the room came into focus, I noticed my desk across the room. When I glanced down, I realized I’d slept on the couch in my study.
The loud shrill sound of my phone drew my attention back to my desk. I jumped up and raced over to it. The drumming in my head muted by the hope Jansen had decided to call me back. I answered it without looking at who was on the other end.
“Hello?”
“Stephen, what do you think you’re doing?” Gisela’s thick German accent came over the line.
“Gisela?”
“Do not be coy with me. Serilda called me crying that you kicked her out of your home.”
I looked at the clock on the wall, realizing it was only two in the afternoon. I was surprised she waited that long to tell on me to her mother. I took a seat in my desk chair and pinched the bridge of my nose. “I’m not being coy.”
“So, you did throw your own daughter out of your home.”
After a lifetime of holding back, of putting on the perfect facade, I broke. I couldn’t keep pretending my wants and needs didn’t matter. “I did. The better question is, did you ask her why I threw her out?” I snapped.
“I didn’t have to. She told me about Jansen. For god’s sake, Stephen, what were you thinking?”
“What was I thinking?” I leapt from my chair, unable to sit still any longer. My feet moved back and forth across the room, unable to keep still. “I was thinking that for once I deserve to be happy.”
“With Serilda’s ex?” she yelled.
“It doesn’t matter who I was with. For once I thought about myself and my happiness. Our daughter bursts into my home, then into my room. Without knocking, she screamed until Jansen left.”
“Good.”
“No, not good,” I snapped. “She throws men away when they can’t do any more for her, including me. Except, I’m the one being thrown away by everyone. You, her, Jansen, and every other man I’ve ever dated. I’m done being tossed aside. And I’m done with this conversation.”
For the first time in my life, I hung up on Gisela, not caring about the ramifications. I was tired of everyone’s needs coming before my own.
When my phone rang again, and I saw it was her, I sent it directly to voicemail. I opened my contacts and dialed the one person I knew I could talk to about anything.
“Shannon, can you meet for coffee?”
“Stephen, what happened?” Her voice was instantly on alert. She didn’t know how much I appreciated her. One of the few people who was there for me, no matter what I could do for her. She was my rock and right now I needed her more than anything.
“Serilda showed up and Jansen left me.”
“Left you at your house, or left for good?”
“For good.”
“I’ll be there in ten minutes. Be ready to leave and pack an overnight bag. You’re staying with me tonight.”
“Thank you,” I said, holding back tears.
“Anytime. I’ll be there soon.”
I set the phone down. With dreaded steps, I walked to my room to pack a bag. I kept reminding myself that in a few minutes I wouldn’t have to see him everywhere. I would only have to worry about his memory haunting me.