Chapter 37
Chapter Thirty-Seven
GRACE
Valentine’s Day was the single most idiotic ritual humans had been suckered into performing.
Grace had returned from helping one of her least favorite partners pick a jury for a securities fraud trial — an absolute waste of four hours when he ignored all of her advice.
The moment she stepped back into the office, she was smacked in the face with the theater of delivered flowers on half the desks.
The holiday, if it could be called that by any stretch, wasn’t until Saturday.
On the Friday before, there was no reason for the peacock display of flowers and balloons and stuffed crap that would end up in a landfill only to release methane into the air.
Ten seconds of attention at work was certainly worth the price of hitting the gas on climate change.
Grumbling when she dropped her bag in her office and pulled off her suffocating suit jacket, Grace was debating changing into the leggings and tank in her gym bag. Her dress was stiff and her Spanx so tight they felt like a medieval torture device intended to suss out witches.
Grace plopped onto her chair and took a deep breath. She wished for the blessing of un-self-awareness. But her absolute inability to stop analyzing every damn thing, herself included, meant that she knew it wasn’t the stink of funeral home that had her in a mood.
She’d be picking Alix up at the airport tomorrow morning, and they were going to have three amazing days together because every moment with Alix was magic. Three days and then Alix would be gone again. She was tired of every reunion drowning in the icy shadow of goodbye.
Reaching for her phone, she opened Alix’s texts. She’d expected the silence when her Do Not Disturb settings were on in court, but when she turned them off the moment they were adjourned, there was no flood of messages. Alix had been uncharacteristically quiet.
Dread rolled into her gut like the kind of horror movie fog that killed every living thing it touched.
Grace couldn’t stop catastrophizing. All she could imagine was Alix having some epiphany in the shower that their entire relationship was a logistical nightmare.
That Alix might think they were forcing forever from a fling.
That they were too different. Too far. Too effortless for something capable of lasting.
Grace stopped assaulting herself with fears and forced herself to look at the facts. They’d spent so many nights forgoing sleep to make plans for the future. Real plans.
Alix wanted to move, and she would. She just wanted to do it under her own steam. Intellectually, Grace understood that it was important to her. Important, even if it would take so much longer for Alix to save on her own rather than just accepting Grace’s financial help.
Grace didn’t give a shit about money, but a lot of thought had made her see that it wasn’t about that.
It was about Alix walking into their new life together as an equal partner.
Grace had enough therapy to know that a misstep in their founding could lead to resentment later, and they both wanted to set themselves up for success.
Patience was just so hard to come by when being with Alix felt so right. When all she wanted to do was start and end every day with her, Alix’s concerns felt more like pride than problems. But what was important to Alix was important to Grace, and she was just going to figure out how to make do.
Grace’s stomach grumbled for lunch when she was debating approaching the partners about partial remote work.
She’d pay her own way back for trials without billing clients or the firm.
Because of the complex nature of their cases, she’d once gone a full year between trials.
Every other appearance could happen over video, and if the court didn’t agree, then she’d fly her ass back.
Even before she’d fully planned her pitch, she imagined the managing partner’s face. He was a luddite who still didn’t understand the cloud and made them keep every single document — printed emails included — in a fireproof file room. She stood, hungry and tired and annoyed and missing Alix.
In the kitchen, Grace scavenged a blueberry bagel but skipped the cream cheese. She hadn’t intentionally gone vegan — she’d never get used to the texture of tofu — but in the most pathetic way possible, every time she didn’t eat an animal product, she felt closer to Alix.
She grabbed a mug, fired up the espresso machine, and stuck the bagel in the toaster. Leaning against the counter while she waited, Grace debated texting Alix but decided against it. It was still morning in LA, and Alix was probably sleeping in ahead of her flight tonight.
The thought of seeing Alix in less than twenty-four hours soothed her. Just one more restless night’s sleep and they’d be together again. She refused to think about the sad drive back to drop her off.
“Court today?” Julie’s voice forced Grace’s attention from her phone.
Grace looked down at herself as if to say No, I just love the torment of court attire.
“Anything interesting?” Julie approached her.
“About as interesting as jury selection can be,” she replied, turning to take her mug from the machine.
Julie looked over her shoulder, and Grace was transported to another lifetime when she’d risk discussing after-work plans in whispers. “You seem… different, Grace. Distracted.”
“I’m fine,” she replied with a furrowed brow. “More than fine, actually. I’m pretty fucking amazing.”
“Are you?” If she lowered her voice any further she’d just be mouthing the words.
“Because that’s not what everyone is saying.
What the other partners are noticing. You’re lagging behind, Grace.
Have you forgotten that everyone is watching all the time?
People see you smiling at your phone. Working with your door closed.
Coming in later and later. It’s making them talk. ”
She still knew Julie well enough to know what she meant. Still remembered their conversations like a recurring nightmare. She meant: You’re drawing attention to yourself.
“Let them talk,” Grace replied, irritation stirring.
“It’s not a joke, Grace.” Julie’s whisper sounded like a hiss.
Like the sound a cornered animal made. She looked at the door again, eyes wide.
“This is not a place where you want people to wonder what the hell is going on with you or question your commitment. Whatever you think you’re doing, get it under control.
People get curious. And when they start looking closely, they start putting things together. ”
There was no missing the panicked plea. With absolute clarity, Grace saw that Julie had never been worried about Grace’s career.
Only her own. Saw that whatever change Julie sensed in Grace was sending seismic tremors through her own carefully constructed, incredibly closeted life.
Julie had built herself a prison, but Grace would rather die than choose voluntary confinement.
The tense silence snapped in half when Harold, the firm’s managing partner, walked in. A walking personification of a good ol’ boy, he entered with the confidence of a person with a country club membership and monogrammed shirts. A person who had never once in his entire life felt out of place.
“Smells good in here,” he said. “I’ll never get tired of the smell of brewing coffee.” He smoothed down his tie and reached for a mug. “And Happy Valentine’s Day to you both. Grace, any big plans with a special fella this weekend?”
The question was laced with so much heteronormative certainty that Grace almost laughed. Suddenly her life felt like an SNL sketch, and she was going to control the punchline.
Julie stared at her silently begging her to lie, to deflect, to stay small. But the image of Alix’s laughing face flashed in her mind, and the cage she’d been living in suddenly felt suffocating. She turned to face Harold, her spine straight.
“My girlfriend’s coming into town.”
Harold’s cheerful expression barely faltered. “Oh that’s nice.” He reached for the creamer. “From college? It’s important to stay connected to old friends.”
A cool, exhilarating calm washed over Grace.
She channeled the moment in cross-examination where she’d been leading a witness with question after question until she had them exactly where she wanted them.
Until she unleashed the final question that would show the jury exactly why they needed to find her client not guilty beyond a reasonable doubt.
Grace waited for Harold to meet her silence with eye contact and then she held his attention. Her voice was steady and clear and booming when she said, “No, Harold. My girlfriend. My very romantic partner for whom I do not feel an ounce of platonic affection.”
She didn’t run from his reaction, even if every instinct told her to bolt for the door.
To fake sick and give her declaration time to blow over.
She had nothing to hide, and she didn’t feel a drop of shame for having found a love so big that it had transformed her.
That it had filled her with courage and pride and made her fearless.
In that moment, she was sure that she would sue the absolute fuck out of the firm if they fired her and then she’d donate every penny to a queer youth project.
Harold’s face flushed so hard, Grace was sure his blood pressure had spiked. “Oh, I… didn’t know that you… Well, I didn’t—”
“Didn’t know I was a lesbian?” Grace finished like the dutiful associate.
Harold swallowed and Julie stopped breathing.
Grace didn’t fill the silence. Didn’t make it comfortable. Didn’t offer a single explanation or excuse or apology.
She stood there until Harold replied with a shaky, “My grandson is gay.”
Grace smiled. “Good for him.”
She plucked her toasted bagel from the machine, grabbed her espresso, and walked out of the kitchen without a backward glance. Her heart was pounding, a wild drumbeat of fear and flight, but for the first time in years, she felt utterly, breathtakingly free.
Resisting the urge to run, Grace strode to her office. She dropped her food on her desk and grabbed her phone. There was no way she could hold back from calling Alix. Even if she felt so guilty for waking her.
But when Alix picked up, she didn’t have a groggy voice and she wasn’t in the silence of her bedroom. It was the ambient noise of a crowded place.
“Where are you?” Grace asked before she could get to her news.
“I don’t want to say,” Alix replied when the noise changed to street traffic.
“What? Why? Are you okay? Did something—”
“It’s a surprise—”
“Alix, please. You’re freaking me out and I just told Harold I was a fucking lesbian, so I really need—”
“You what?” Alix shrieked her laugh. “Did you really? Babe, that’s amazing. What did you say? What did he say?”
Adrenaline made Grace’s body vibrate and her heart pound in her throat. “He was okay, I think. Julie, on the other hand, looked like she wanted to disintegrate.”
“Julie was there? Shut up!” Alix’s delight made Grace’s heart soar into her throat. “What did she say? I need you to start over.”
“It doesn’t matter, I’ll tell you later. But where are you?”
“Um, well, I wanted to surprise you so I flew in this morning and I’ve just kind of been hanging out at the coffee place across the street from your building, which I realize now sounds like a cry for help, but I didn’t know how—”
“You’re here?” Grace’s knees threatened to buckle. “In Miami? Right now?”
“Yeah?” Alix replied like she wasn’t sure.
“What coffee shop?” She was already grabbing her purse, flat shoes in hand.
“The one literally across from your office.”
Running, Grace didn’t bother with the elevator. She tore down the service stairs, heart pounding when she burst out onto the lobby. She sprinted across the street, causing a cacophony of honks that she ignored.
And then there she was. Alix, standing outside of a coffee shop with an enormous pink suitcase, her longboard, and a ridiculous grin.
Grace didn’t care that people from her firm popped across the street sometimes. She hoped they were all standing at the fucking window watching when she flung her arms around Alix and kissed her like breathing air back into her lungs.
Alix laughed against her parted lips and wrapped her arms around Grace’s waist. The rightness of her touch was staggering.
Her mouth against hers the magic of golden ratios that made the ancient wonders stand for centuries.
It wasn’t tilting or floating. It was the relief of the universe righting itself.
“You’re here,” Grace breathed before kissing her again.
“I’m here.” Alix ran her hands up Grace’s sides and cupped her face with both hands. She bent her head down, pressing her forehead to Grace’s. She took a deep, cleansing breath and whispered, “I couldn’t wait another second to see you.”
Crying and laughing and body buzzing with a joy she’d never known in her entire life, Grace pressed her forehead even harder against Alix’s. “Were you going to wait here all day?”
Alix kissed her again like they were alone on a crowded street in the middle of the day because absolutely no one else mattered. “Well, I was trying to come up with a not-weird way to get you down here. But you beat me to it by almost killing Harold.”
Grace laughed. “I can’t believe I lost even a second with you.”
Alix pulled away, but only far enough to bend to grab her backpack. “Well, I did need a little time to get my girl some proper V-Day gifts.”
When Alix produced a heart-shaped box, Grace’s stomach fluttered like the total hypocrite she was. “Apparently, Miami pharmacies don’t do vegan chocolate,” she said, like vegan chocolate should be in every convenience store. “Oh, um, and this,” she said after handing Grace the box.
Grace looked down at a small stuffed alligator wearing a T-shirt that said: U took a chomp outta my heart.
Laughing at the absolutely gruesome imagery, she looked at Alix through watery eyes.
“I know it’s not awesome, but there aren’t a ton of gator-related Valentine’s Day—”
Grace cut her off with another kiss. “I love it,” she promised against Alix’s grinning mouth. “And I love you.”
“Well, there’s a relief, or I’d feel like a real tool for having packed for more than a three-day weekend. Like, by a lot.”
Grace noticed that there was, in fact, a way larger suitcase than Alix had ever traveled with for their shortest visit yet. And then there was the skateboard. When she looked back at her, Alix’s eyes were bright and her bottom lip caught between her teeth.