Chapter 16 This Is How You Fall Apart Cara #2
I crush the test in my hand, gripping the edge of the counter as I lose the fight with the tears threatening my eyes.
“Why? Why? Why?”
Nine months ago
“I don’t understand. I’ve done everything right. The-the-the… the books, the vitamins, the calendars, the temperature tracking, the smoothies, the fucking BPA and all the-the-the… goddamn Tupperware… What more can I do?”
Eight months ago
“Done. I’m done.” I chuck the test toward the trash and reel on myself in the mirror. “Do you hear me? I. Am. Done!”
Seven months ago
“I don’t—” I gasp for breath, dragging the back of my hand across my nose before I drop my forehead to my knees and bury my soaked face, weeping on the bathroom floor. “I don’t know how to keep doing this!”
Six months ago
I slide my palms along the counter, a bitter, disbelieving chuckle slipping free as I hang my head, staring that single pink line in the face. How, after all this time, am I still surprised at the answer? What is wrong with me? How delusional can one person be?
That chuckle turns into bubbling laughter as I carry myself across the room. I can’t stop as I peel back the covers, sliding into bed.
I laugh, over and over, louder and louder.
Until I choke. Until a single laugh is a strangled sob, and I spend the rest of the day in bed, weeping into my soaked pillow until I pass out.
Five months ago
My forehead presses into the cool marble counter, offering no relief to my clammy skin as I stay where I am, bent over in the bathroom, waiting.
When my phone buzzes, I straighten, wiping a trembling hand over my mouth.
Laying my hands gently over my belly, I close my eyes and force myself to breathe, in, then out, over and over, until my heart doesn’t feel like it’s going to explode.
“Come on.” The whispered beg is every bit as raw and desperate as it sounds as tears gather in the corners of my eyes. “Please, baby. Please be in there. I promise to take such good care of you if you choose us. I’ll be the mama you deserve. Please, choose us.”
I breathe in the courage I need, pulling the test toward me.
And I breathe out the last of my hope.
I swear to God, I feel every aching second of the way it drains from me, taking everything else with it when it goes. My energy, my strength, my confidence. My heart. Fuck, my heart. Pieces of myself scattered at my feet, far too damaged to ever be whole again.
Inadequate. Defective. Failure.
Yeah, I wouldn’t choose me either.
Standing tall, I look my reflection dead in the eye as tears stream silently down my face. And I mutter three words I promised I’d never say about myself.
“I hate you.”
A WARM HAND SLIDES OVER my thigh, capturing my hand. Emmett links his fingers through mine, squeezing gently, just enough to let me know he wants my attention.
My tired eyes rise to his, hidden beneath my sunglasses. I try to smile, but I haven’t been able to muster the courage to since I muttered those three words to myself only two hours ago.
Emmett frowns. “You okay, firefly?”
I roll my eyes to the sky as I sink back in my chair, biting back the urge to tell him to ditch the fucking nickname. There’s no flame, no light left in me. I’ve been extinguished. It’s only a matter of time before he realizes. Instead, I squeeze his hand and tell him, “Just tired.”
Adam pauses on his way by with a tray of sausages. “Want me to make you a coffee?’
I shake my head, climbing to my feet in his backyard. “I’m gonna grab another drink.” I squint at the pool, the June sun glinting off it. “Ladies? Frozen margarita?”
“Yes, please!” Lennon shouts, wrapping her arms around Jaxon’s head. “Double shot, please!”
“Virgin for me, please!” Jennie calls.
I turn to Olivia and Rosie.
“You know what?” Rosie looks between me and Jennie. “I’ll take a virgin too, please.”
“Yeah, that sounds nice.” Olivia presses a hand to her forehead. “All this heat is giving me a headache, so I should probably take it easy on the alcohol. Thanks, Care.”
I frown, only because take it easy on the alcohol has never been Olivia’s motto. She smiles at me, a slight flush in her cheeks before dropping her gaze, and an uneasy feeling settles in my stomach as I make my way inside to blend the drinks.
The patio door opens as I’m putting the finishing touches on the drinks, and I turn the platter toward the girls with a grin that doesn’t feel quite as forced.
“Penises instead of umbrellas.” Jennie kisses her fingers as she takes her drink. “Chef’s kiss, Cara.”
“You guys put penises in everything,” Adam mutters as he slips inside and heads straight for the fridge, pulling out a bowl of ground beef.
“Keep up that attitude and see where we stop putting penises,” I tell him with a pointed look.
“Oh, God.” Olivia gags, waving a hand in front of her face. “What’s that smell?”
“Ew, yeah.” Rosie makes a face, hands over her belly. “What is that?”
I exchange a look with Jennie, Lennon, and Adam. “What smell?”
“I don’t smell anything,” Jennie says as the rest of the boys slip in through the patio door.
Adam looks down at the bowl he’s working in. He pulls out a handful of ground beef. “This? I’m making burgers.” He brings it to his nose and sniffs. “It smells fine. I just got it from the butcher this—”
“I think I’m gonna be sick!” Olivia’s face pales, and she slaps a hand over her mouth.
“Adam!” Rosie gags, clutching her belly. “Away! Please! Put it away!”
Garrett snickers. “What are you two, pregnant?”
The kitchen falls silent.
Olivia, Rosie, Carter, and Adam are frozen.
My heartbeat slams. Blood thunders in my ears. “Both of you?” I whisper.
“I…” Rosie looks at me, then away. Adam smiles at her, and she grins. “We’re due in January.”
Olivia squeals, hands over Carter’s as he comes up behind her, covering her belly. Her gaze comes to mine, wide and conflicted, full of worry and excitement. She looks away with a single soft-spoken word.
“Twins.”
My heartbeat trips. Blood thunders in my ears like a furious storm, drowning out the cheers of our friends as they gather around, showering them with congratulations.
I swallow the tightness in my throat that burns like acid, ignore the fissure slowly working its way through my heart, and blink back the tears stinging my eyes as I plaster on a wide grin and wrap my best friends in a hug as I tell them how happy I am for them.
Inadequate.
Defective.
Failure.
This time, the voice in my head whispers one more.
Worthless.