Chapter 20 Self-Sabotage Cara #2
And then I’m on my feet. Pulled against a solid chest, wrapped up in a hold so tight, so crushing, I let it all out.
The choked sobs, the panicked, gasping breaths.
The quivering fear, the knee-wobbling heartache.
And Carter lets me feel it all. Holds me up through it, one hand on the back of my head while I cry against his shoulder, his voice equal parts soft and hoarse as he promises I’m not alone, that I’m safe.
I don’t know how long we stand there, me crying in his arms, but when I feel like I can breathe again, when I can hear the pounding of my racing heart and the pattering rain on the window, Carter rests his chin on top of my head.
His following breath is deep and steadying, and when he sniffs, my heart aches with the knowledge that he’s taken on every ounce of my pain he can manage in this moment.
“Do you know what I hated when my dad died?” Carter’s hand is firm as it moves to the space between my shoulder blades, like he knows there’s a sharp, stabbing pain there, and he’s trying to force it away.
“I hated everyone constantly asking me if I was okay. I knew they meant well, but frankly, it’s a stupid question.
I wasn’t okay. Everyone knew I wasn’t okay.
They asked because they felt like they had to, because it made them feel better when I said I was fine.
But what else was I supposed to say? No, I wasn’t okay.
I was angry. Angry at the person who was responsible.
Angry at myself for being the reason my dad was on the road that day.
Angry at the world for moving on like my world hadn’t just stopped.
I was jealous of friends who still had their dads, who took their relationships with them for granted.
Jesus, the jealousy was disgusting, and I hated myself for feeling it. ”
My heartbeat quiets as Carter lets me into a piece of his past, a piece of himself where I find a little bit of me.
“My world felt like it ended the day my dad died. In a way, I think it did. The world as I knew it, at least. I had to let go of a future I’d dreamed of, one where my dad was by my side through it all, like he’d always been.
But life went on for everyone else, and that pissed me off.
Made me more bitter than I could ever put into words.
It felt like the biggest insult, like nobody could understand how special my dad was to me, and they didn’t understand why I couldn’t just…
move on. Not on their timeline. But nobody wanted to hear that when they asked me if I was okay.
And if I told them anyway, they’d smile and tell me I’d be okay soon. ”
Carter leads me to the edge of the bed, where we sit side by side.
His eyes are red-rimmed, heavy with grief, with empathy.
“I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through, Cara.
I don’t think Emmett can either. I know that I’m extremely blessed to have my family, that I can’t imagine my life without them.
I know that I want that same thing for you and Emmett so badly, and watching you two go through this is gutting.
I know that gutting doesn’t even begin to come close to how it feels for you. ”
My eyelids flutter closed, silent tears dancing down my cheeks.
“From what I gather, infertility is a lot like grief. Grieving what could’ve been every month.
Grieving the future you’d planned. I don’t know infertility, Care, but I do know grief.
And I can promise you, there is another side.
There is a life to be built, a future that has the possibility to be just as beautiful as the one you’d hoped for.
It doesn’t have to be the end. There is never an end where love exists. ”
I hang my head, the weight of the words that have been tumbling around in my head for too long now pulling the confession right out of me. “I’m not worthy of a future like that, a life with someone like Emmett.”
“Not being able to get pregnant doesn’t make you any less worthy, Cara.”
“Then why does it feel like it? He’s given me everything.
Love. Patience. Understanding. Shouted for me every step of the way.
Painted fucking toes, mistletoe in the kitchen, my dreams becoming his, and a faith in me that never, ever wanes.
” My body trembles, a strange mix of anger and confusion coursing through me as I let myself drown in self-loathing, all while my heart revolts, refusing to accept that we’ve wound up here, so far from a woman who hasn’t ever, even for a second, doubted her worth.
“And I can’t give him this one goddamn thing. ”
“You are the only thing he’s ever wanted,” Carter insists gently before repeating, “There is never an end where love exists. Life will be different, whether or not you go on to be parents in one way or another, because this happened. The clouds will always be there, and there will be days when the rain comes and it feels like it’ll never end.
And then the sun will come out again, and you’ll remember that there’s room for both of those things; the pain that reminds you of someone or something that should be there, and the beauty of a life built, a path you forged, because you were brave when you didn’t want to be.
Because you can do hard things, Cara. Even when you don’t want to.
Even when you shouldn’t have to. All that hurt, those clouds, and those rainy days?
We live with them because that love, the love that drove our lives to change, it never ceases to exist.”
Tears spill down my cheeks as Carter’s words work their way beneath my skin.
“You deserve a future filled with love. You’ve got so much of it to give, and you give it so freely.
There are some things you can’t control, hard as you try, and there are the things you can choose.
Emmett is going to spend the rest of his days loving you, and you’re going to spend yours loving him.
Choose to do it together. Love makes life worth living, even in the face of everything we lose along the way. ”
Carter presses a soft kiss to my hair before climbing off the bed, scooping up his apron and chef’s hat.
He adjusts the tray on the bedside table, pouring steaming water from the tiny pot, filling a small mug that says SANTA’S FAVORITE HO.
As he heads for the door, my chest pulls taut at the display of brownies, cut into stars, arranged in the shape of a smile.
“You don’t normally forget.”
I look up, finding Carter paused in the doorway, head down. “Forget what?”
“How amazing you are. The rest of us do. We have our moments. A lot of them. And one thing that’s always constant in those moments?
You, lifting us up. Reminding us who we are.
Shouting it at us until we remember. Until we get back on our feet.
And we do get back on our feet. You help us.
” He glances at me over his shoulder. “So this is your reminder. You’re amazing, Care.
Strong, even though you shouldn’t have to be strong all the time.
Brave, even when you don’t want to be. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to fall apart.
” A smile, small but sincere. Warm and sure, in every way I need it to be.
“We’re here for you. Always will be. Lean on us when you’re tired. We’ll lift you up.”
I sit on the edge of the bed after he leaves, sipping my tea, listening to him move about; a happy good night for Ireland, whispered words to Olivia.
I hear a door shut downstairs and the unmistakable purr of an engine as the garage opens.
Even as I battle with the guilt that tells me I should be the one going home right now, I’m grateful knowing Emmett won’t be alone for much longer.
When I’m on the cusp of sleep sometime later, exhaustion dragging my body deeper into the mattress, a sliver of orange glow slides across the room as my door opens and closes.
I know it’s Olivia before she crawls into bed behind me, wrapping her arm around me, clasping one hand in hers.
She presses her warm cheek against my shoulder, and I close my eyes, letting myself get lost in the safety of my best friend as she hugs me tightly.
I pull in a deep breath, releasing it with a fresh wave of tears, just like the ones falling against my shoulder, rolling down my neck as Olivia’s body trembles right alongside mine.
It feels a little bit like déjà vu, because even though it seems like forever, it wasn’t all that long ago that Olivia was in my spare room, contemplating a life without Carter, and I was the one holding her.
The circumstances were different, but the heartache was as real for her as it is for me, faced with the possibility of living without that once-in-a-lifetime kind of love that people spend their whole lives chasing.
Because that’s what Emmett is. He’s my once-in-a-lifetime, a miracle I stumbled into.
How do you walk away from that? I was so sure I was doing the right thing by leaving today, giving him a chance at a dream I might not be able to make a reality for us.
Because without me, he can have it. But with me? It might never happen.