27 Berry #2
the moodiness, the travel, letting me think you’re having an affair, that maybe you’re fucking dying . . . All of it, and
it’s just some business troubles?”
He shoots out of his chair at my words.
“It’s not just some business troubles! We completely screwed up.
The company I spent years building. My employees.
I can’t even bear to think how this is going to affect Christo!
” He nearly yelps the name of his longtime executive assistant.
“What will he do now? And all the other employees. Berry, this isn’t just business troubles.
It’s our whole livelihood. My employees, my reputation, my self-respect—I’ve lost everything!
All these people depend on me, and I’ve let them down.
This is what they live on! I can’t stand the sight of myself, and the idea of you looking at me the same way I do .
. . I don’t know if I can survive it. I’ve been working hard my whole life, trying to make something of myself, and I’ve got exactly nothing to show for it! ”
“That’s bullshit.”
Phil winces at my language, but I’m well past catering to the sensitivities of his ears. I point a finger at his chest as
I step closer. “Your company is not everything. I’m sorry that something you worked so hard on has started to fall apart.
I am, but that’s it. That’s all this is. You will find another way to earn money. It’s not our whole livelihood. Have you
forgotten that we are a double-income household?” I motion toward the little desk in the corner where so many of my materials
from Stillwell are scattered. “I can steer the ship for a while, and that can be okay. And may I remind you that I’m up for
a lucrative promotion? You are so much more than your paycheck, Phil! You’ve always tied your identity too closely to your
earnings. Enough!
“And since you can’t seem to see yourself for who you are, let me clear things up. You are the man who never leaves his wife
to do dishes on her own, the one who listens to his teenage son list flight path changes nearly every night, the one who makes
sure the walkway is salted each time it snows so the postman doesn’t slip. I don’t know what your damn parents taught you,
but this is life! Sometimes you have a lot, sometimes you have a little, and you just figure it out.” I lean even closer,
our noses nearly touching. “What you do not do is keep secrets from the one person who has supported everything you’ve ever done.
You don’t sneak around and come back smelling like perfume, letting the woman who would lie down on railroad tracks for you wonder why you’ve replaced her!
” Remembering those other questions, I step back.
“Speaking of, care to explain the perfume? And the dress shirt? And the trips to Westchester? None of those details make sense.”
Is it possible he’s still lying to me?
“Dean and I have been trying to find investors on our own, but nothing has panned out. We took on too much risk, and nobody
wants to get involved. I finally asked my dad for help.” His shoulders have dropped so low, he looks like he can barely tolerate
being inside his own body.
“Dad knows venture capitalists. I’ve been walking him through all the details of what’s going on so we could strategize about—”
“Hold up,” I interrupt as I take a step back. “You told your father? You told your father. And not me.” I have to repeat this
information to digest it. “The same father whose values made you afraid to tell me?” After all the years of his parents teaching
him to measure his self-worth by the number of zeros in his bank account, and he was still more comfortable going to his dad.
“Phil, you know I have never cared about how much money you make! So long as we can take care of our kids and put food on
the table, we can figure everything out. Is this why you haven’t wanted to pay for any extra services for Leo? Instead of owning your own failures, you started taking things
away from our kid who needs them. So I wouldn’t notice our bank statements looking different? Are you kidding me? Why wouldn’t
you trust me to handle this, the same way we’ve handled so many other things together?”
“I’ve lost trust in everything except you. I can’t lose anything else. First my mom. Then the business. I’m having trouble letting go with Leo. It’s too much.”
His eyes are wet as he says it, and I start to soften.
But then I think again of the rest. “You still haven’t explained the perfume.”
“It was an investor I had a breakfast meeting with. She and I were right next to each other, looking over reports.” He looks
away from me again.
“So why didn’t you just say that? ‘Gee, Berry, it was just a breakfast meeting.’ You wouldn’t have had to get into all the
details. So why?”
“I don’t know, okay? I just didn’t want you to have to think about any of it, none of it! Not when I promised to be the one
to provide for you, and I failed to live up to everything I swore I’d do. It doesn’t matter anyway, because that investor’s
not interested. None of them are. It’s over. We’re closing up shop.” He drops his head into his hands. “I don’t know, Berry.
I don’t know what’s going to happen, or how I’m going to support us now.”
“Would you shut up? We are going to be okay. Even if I don’t get the promotion. I can pick up some tutoring like I used to
do. You’ve carried us for long enough. I can be the one to bear that burden now. And you can use this opportunity for a fresh
start, to find something you really want to do.”
“Who’s going to hire a man well into his fifties? I’ve made such a mess of my career.” He looks so devastated that my anger
continues to melt. It must have been so hard keeping this to himself all these months, all because he was so beaten down by
loss.
“It’s not 1950 anymore, Phil. Plenty of people would want the expertise of a highly educated former executive with specialized
skills. You’ll see. You’ll call a headhunter. In the meantime, let me take care of everything. I’ve got this.”