20. Lennon
LENNON
Life doesn’t allow do-overs.
We can fix our behavior, so we don’t repeat our mistakes,
but once they’re made, there’s no unmaking them.
—Lennon’s Secret Thoughts
I look at myself in the mirror, blown away by just how much my body has changed since the last time I saw Dr. Hayes-Sinclair. My side profile looks like I’m hiding a somewhat deflated soccer ball under my shirt. The bruising is gone, and in its place is glowing skin, which is new for me. Redheads don’t glow. We’re generally either ghostly pale or covered in freckles. I fall on the ghostly pale side most days. But today, I have a glow that even I recognize.
Maddox walks into his bedroom and grins on his way to the bathroom. “I mean, not that I don’t love seeing you in my clothes, picolla principessa , but I’m not sure that’s appropriate for leaving the house.”
“Tell me something I don’t know,” I murmur and pull out a gorgeous maxi-dress Everly gave me yesterday, then smile when I realize I can’t wear a bra with it. What a shame. “Are we still going to il leone for dinner?”
“Yeah,” Maddox yells from the other side of the door. “But we’ve got to get moving, if we’re grabbing lunch before your appointment.”
“What’s this new obsession with feeding me?” I call back as I slide his shirt off and my dress down. Damn. My boobs do look good. I guess there’s no mistaking I’m pregnant now.
“You’re eating for two,” Maddox hollers as the shower turns on.
This man...
I grab a sweater and search for my phone as it rings somewhere under my pile of discarded clothes.
When I find it, I wish I hadn’t.
With shaking hands, I slide my thumb over the screen and answer.
“Hello, Papa,” I try to force the pleasantry, but my relationship with my father is strained at best, and it’s rarely at its best.
“Why are you in America, Lennon? And why haven’t you been returning my secretary’s calls? And why is Monty telling me your wedding is next month instead of next spring? I’ve been summoned to your grandfather’s office, and I have no answers to give him.”
“Wow,” I breathe out. “That’s a great deal of questions.”
I doubt deflection is working for me this time, but I don’t know where to begin or how to answer him. There is nothing soft and forgiving about my father. He’s bitter and entitled, and he rules his children with an iron fist. It’s amazing any of us turned out the way we did.
“That is not an answer. Now explain.”
I’m not sure which part he’d like explained, but I’m tempted to ask him to explain how his only daughter has been in another country for weeks at this point, and he’s only now noticing. Rhys figured it out weeks ago. How has my father not noticed anything is amiss sooner?
Oh right... because unlike Rhys, he doesn’t care.
I walk through the French doors and onto the small balcony overlooking the lush backyard and close my eyes as the breeze blows warm air against my skin, balancing out the chilling dread settling in my stomach.
There’s little use lying now.
But I’m still going to.
I’m getting married tomorrow.
I’ll tell him the truth the next day, right before he disowns me.
“I’m in America on holiday, visiting a friend. You remember my old roommate, Grace?” I’m shocked my voice doesn’t shake with the blatant lie, but I somehow manage to pull it off as Maddox joins me outside. I hold a finger up to my mouth, silencing him. He’s not who my father needs to hear right now. “I’ll be home in a few days, and I’ll make sure Grandfather is one of my first stops.”
“What about Monty?” Papa demands, leaving no room to bend in his voice.
“Monty is a spoiled child, throwing a temper tantrum. I haven’t agreed to move the wedding up. Grandfather’s event coordinator has been busy, and we haven’t even discussed it, but Monty doesn’t want to hear that. He thinks because now is convenient for him, we should all drop everything.” I spin the partial truth into a lie that works in my favor. “He refuses to acknowledge the intricacies of a royal wedding.”
“I’ll talk to his family?—”
“No,” I snap, then soften my voice. “I have to learn to work with him eventually. It might as well be now. I admit I’ve been avoiding him. I’ll call him and handle it.”
“You have one job, Lennon. One. Marry this man. Strengthen relations with his family. We need them. I don’t care what you have to do to make him happy. Do your fucking duty and do it with a smile.” Venom coats his words, and I suddenly wish Maddox wasn’t here to hear this. Not when he’s grown up the way he has with such incredible parents.
He moves in behind me and pulls me back against his chest. Offering me his strength.
“Yes, Papa,” I murmur, hating him in this moment and wondering where my mother would stand if she was still here. Would I tell her the truth? “He’s not a good man, you know... He’s violent and cruel.”
I’m not sure why I bother telling him that.
I don’t feel better, having said it.
Just empty.
“The world is violent and cruel, Lennon. Learn to live with it and avoid upsetting him. That’s the best advice I can give you.”
Maddox wraps a strong arm around my chest when my knees threaten to buckle.
“I’ll expect you home before the end of next week.” He ends the call, and I sag against Maddox until he lifts me from my feet and carries me into the room.
He sits on the edge of the bed and holds me in his lap. “You will never have to learn to live in a cruel world, Lennon. No one will ever be cruel to you again. I promise.”
I close my eyes and rest my cheek against his chest, needing a minute.
“Promise me our child will always be loved. Promise he’ll always come first. No matter what,” I demand with more conviction than I knew I was capable of.
Maddox lifts my face to his and shows me the storm brewing behind his eyes.
One I’m all too familiar with.
One it would be so easy to get lost in.
“He will always be loved...” His gravelly voice is strained and intense. “You both will,” he adds softly and sets me on the bed. “Come on. We don’t want to miss the appointment.”
I watch his back as Maddox disappears through the door, and I sit in shock.
Not by his words but by the realization that, not for the first time, I think I’ve fallen in love with Maddox Beneventi.
* * *
M aria moves inside the restaurant ahead of us as Maddox and I step inside il leone for what is essentially a rehearsal dinner without the rehearsal. We couldn’t risk anyone getting wind of the wedding early, so there was no walk-through. No rehearsing. Just Maddox’s aunts confirming everything for us while we were at my doctor’s appointment, being cleared for another four weeks. Our little man is still measuring small, but he’s strong and healthy.
And as of tomorrow, he’ll be safe.
Tomorrow.
It’s hard to believe it’s nearly here.
It’s even harder to believe this is really happening.
Maddox’s hand on my back as we step into the marble entrance is a constant reminder that it is all real. And when he stops just inside the door and stares at me for a beat too long, I worry he’s going to change his mind.
But that’s not this man’s way.
His loud, chaotic family’s voices drift toward us from the tables set up at the back of the room, and I take a chance and reach out with shaking fingers, brushing his hair off his handsome face. “You ready for this, Beneventi?”
“I’ve been ready for this for years, tesoro .”
Well that’s a new one.
“I’m not sure I’ve ever been anyone’s treasure before,” I admit softly.
He slips something out of his pocket and holds it up in front of me. A beautiful pale-blue diamond ring glints in the light. “I proposed to you once, Lennon. And you broke my fucking heart and asked me to walk away. Don’t ask again—because you won’t like my answer this time. I shouldn’t have agreed then. I should have fought harder for us. But I’m fighting now. And I’ll fight every day, if that’s what it takes. Marry me, principessa .”
I lick my suddenly dry lips and hold back the tears that are burning the backs of my eyes. “I wanted to say yes, you know... The first time.” My thumb traces the stubble on his jaw as I try to force my thoughts into some kind of sense. “I wanted to run away with you and live my own happily ever after. But they never would have let us. My mother was smarter than my father. She would have found us and stopped us, and she would have destroyed you.” I step closer, ignoring the ring between us, the bump between us, and all the years between us and wrap my arms around his shoulders. “I couldn’t let that happen. Not then and not now.”
“Don’t say no, princess.” He ghosts his lips over mine, and I feel that same old spark flickering back to life down to the very tips of my toes.
“I’m scared, Maddox. If you mean something to me, they can use you against me,” I admit out loud for the first time ever. “I couldn’t survive that.”
He wraps a hand around my neck and digs his fingers into my hair. “I’m not one of the weak little boys you’re used to, Lennon. I’m not scared of your family.”
My body sways toward his, as if being pulled by a magnetic force.
“Maybe you should be,” I whisper, and he smiles against my lips.
“Maybe they should be scared of me.”
I exhale a shaky breath as hope blooms in my chest. “I’m already marrying you tomorrow.”
“You’re taking my name tomorrow. You’ve already got my heart. Now I want your soul,” he whispers back, and he’ll never know what those words do to me.
I brush my lips over his. “You already took a piece of that with you when you left London.”
“I don’t want a piece. I want it all.” His normally gravelly voice is smooth and confident and so incredibly sexy.
“And if I tell you it’s yours?” I ask and run my fingers through his hair, unable to get close enough to quench this sudden overpowering need. The one that’s drowning out the fear and the lingering anger, so all I see is him.
He takes my hand in his and holds it between us as he slides the ring down my finger, then kisses my knuckle. “Then I’d tell you you’ve always been mine, principessa . It’s about time you admitted it.”
When his lips find mine, it’s not hard or fast.
He’s slow and steady and deliciously confident, stealing my breath and my heart and my soul all in one kiss.
And when I can no longer breathe or think or fear... when I’m barely more than one giant hypersensitive exposed nerve, Maddox pulls back and presses his lips to my forehead. “I’ve loved you since the very first time I saw you, Lennon.”
“You haven’t always had a great way of showing that,” I admit, hurt with the reminder that he may think he’s loved me for years, but he had no problem using other people as placeholders when I wasn’t available.
Before Maddox can answer, Lucky appears out of nowhere, smiling. “Jesus Christ. Are you seriously gonna get busy in front of a wall of windows? There’s got to be an office or back room somewhere. Pick one.”
“Luciano Beneventi, I will murder you,” Amelia’s voice calls out, and Lucky winks at us as he makes his way over to the bar.
I step aside, needing a minute, but Maddox pulls me toward him as his eyes hold me hostage. “This isn’t over, Lennon.”
I look around at the roomful of people before finding him again.
“It is for tonight.”
He takes my hand in his and gently tugs me down the stairs and into the vault room, where I was just a few weeks ago with his father and him. He shuts the massive door. No doubt keeping us far enough away from his family, so I’m assuming we can continue this argument without being heard.
Just how I hoped to spend the night before my wedding.
Who am I kidding?
This is exactly what I envisioned. I just thought it would be with a different man.
Maddox leans back against the glass wall separating us from the temperature-controlled wine room and crosses his thick arms over his muscled chest, testing the strength of the buttons of his shirt. “Ask me.”
His tone leaves no room for argument, but if he thinks that’s going to stop me, he doesn’t know me at all. “Ask you what?”
“Ask me how many women I’ve slept with since you told me you were marrying someone else five years ago... Since you begged me to walk away.” He doesn’t yell. No , he somehow manages to keep his voice low and steady when just those words make me murderous. “Since you lied to my fucking face and told me you didn’t love me.”
“Maddox—” I plead, desperate not to do this.
“No.” His wild eyes blaze with anger. “You don’t get to act hurt when you’re the one who made the call. You ended it. Now ask.”
“I don’t want to know.” I pace away from him, not sure how we went from the beauty of that proposal to this. “I never thought you’d be alone forever. I didn’t want that for you.” I spin back around as my anger wins over, my arms flung out to my side. “But my cousin? Did you have to sleep with my cousin? You could have had anyone else. My God, you probably had everyone else. But why her?”
Maddox’s blue eyes deepen as he slowly steps forward like an apex predator stalking his prey. “Do you remember when Elwyn hosted the Kings football team last year?” he asks, not showing an ounce of emotion.
“Of course I remember,” I seethe and look away. “I was forced to be there.”
I remember how pissed I was to be summoned like that and wishing I wasn’t in-between ballets, so I’d have an excuse to avoid it. I remember the way Monty wouldn’t keep his hands off me. Or his mouth. And when I look up at Maddox... I know.
Damn it .
“Yeah... now you remember,” he bites back, rage and hurt building behind his eyes and matching my own. “Imagine having to watch me kiss someone else. Imagine seeing their hands on me. Holding my face.”
I close my eyes, trying to block that thought from my brain.
“He kissed me. What was I supposed to do? Push him away with the camera in our faces?” I argue as indignation fuels me. “Are you saying he kissed me, so you fucked my cousin?”
“I’ve probably fucked a hundred women since you told me you were marrying him, princess. I didn’t care who they were. I didn’t even know most of them. I had no idea she was your cousin when I met her. And I didn’t care. Because she had your face. They all did. Every time I was with a woman, I only ever saw you. Wanted you.” He gets in my face, still unbelievably in control. “But I couldn’t have you. You made sure I knew that.”
I shake my head and push down the sob that’s hurtling up my throat. “How is that supposed to make me feel? You used them because you couldn’t have me?” I shove him back as pain tears through me. “Maddox...”
“I never said I was a saint, Lennon. But I loved you. I didn’t fuck Alex because I wanted her. I didn’t spend a night with her to hurt you. She reminded me of you, and when I closed my eyes, you were what I saw.” He wraps a hand around my head and holds my face in front of his. “You’re the only thing I ever see.”
“Maddox...”
“You’re the only woman I’ve ever loved, Lennon. You’ve got to forgive me because I was doing what you told me to. I was leaving you alone.”
“I hated pushing you away,” I pant and fist my fingers in his shirt. “All I wanted was you. All I ever wanted was you, and I got to have you for a little while. Pushing you away was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
Anger and hurt war with love and lust until I don’t know what to say or do.
“Then stop doing it, Lennon.”
For a single heartbeat, I think about pushing one more time, but I can’t. I’ve never wanted anyone or anything the way I want him. Instead, I pull him closer and lick my lips. “I hate that you were with her.”
“Never again, princess. No one but you.” One strong hand skims down my trembling body and drags up my thigh as his lips brush that sweet spot where my shoulder meets my neck. One finger pushes inside me, then another. “Tell me this is okay. Tell me you want me. Tell me you forgive me.”
“Promise me it’s just me. I’m the only woman you touch. I’m the only one you see,” I pant.
“Only you, tesoro . Only ever you.”
Maddox lifts me up and sits me on the edge of the table, careful to take my weight before he unbuckles his belt.
My hands fly to his waist as I shove his jeans down below his incredible ass, and he pushes my panties aside, then thrusts inside me in one beautiful movement.
We both hiss with the sting. My swollen body stretching to take him deep inside.
“I’ll never want anyone but you,” he promises as he licks into my mouth.
Swallowing my moans.
Each slow snap of his hips is a measured movement meant to drag his cock along my walls, hitting every neglected nerve ending that’s been begging for attention for months.
“Do you have any idea how many times I’ve fucked my fist, imagining what it would feel like to be inside you again?” He pulls out and pushes back in again, even slower this time than I thought possible. One arm cradles my head while the other lifts my ass. “Just you.”
“Oh God, Maddox,” I breathe out on a barely audible whisper as I get lost in his touch and his taste. In us.
“Fuck, Lennon. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. You deserve better,” he curses against my mouth as his hips finally pick up speed. “You deserved to be worshipped.”
“I don’t need to be worshipped,” I moan. “I need to come.”
His fingers dig into my skin as he lifts me from the table and impales me, hitting something deep inside me as my toes curl and my back arches, and I lose any false sense of control and shatter around him.
Irrevocably broken, but maybe... just maybe, somehow finally healed.