25. Lennon
LENNON
I thought I knew what beauty was,
but beauty didn’t exist until I watched my husband hold our son.
—Lennon’s Secret Thoughts
T he sun drifts in through the curtains, pulling me unwillingly from my dream, and it was beautiful. Maddox and I were lying on a blanket in the rolling field with irises behind the palace with Brennan between us. It was quiet and peaceful, and somewhere in the depths of my soul, I knew my mother was there with us. So happy for me. Happy I found my way to this life. Happy I managed to get what she never had. A marriage based on love, not political or financial gain.
She whispered in my ear, “Do not age gracefully, my love. Fight for every day. Every minute. Fight for your family and know that I tried to fight for mine.”
I roll over and reach for Maddox, but my hand brushes cold sheets instead of my husband, and I startle, now fully awake. The room is empty.
No Maddox. No Brennan. Not even Meatball, and our lazy dog loves nothing more than to climb in bed with me the second Maddox leaves it. He knows he’s not supposed to be there, but he’s as obstinate as Maddox.
Where is everyone?
My boobs hurt as I stand and stretch, so I know it’s time for Brennan to eat. My son never misses a chance to nurse. The only issue we faced with his early delivery was that his suck wasn’t quite as strong as it could have been, and my milk hadn’t quite come in yet. So instead of nursing every three hours, he’s been nursing every two. And instead of him being done in twenty minutes, my beautiful baby boy likes to take his time and linger. Time to find my men.
I throw a sweater over the pretty white nightgown Caitlin gave me when I got home from the hospital. According to her, it may look sweet and innocent, but something about it will drive your husband wild. A woman on some show on Netflix that was based on a romance book wore it a few times and now it has its own Reddit page. Well, she was right. Maddox loves it, and I now own three in white, two in ice-blue, and one in pale-pink.
How many more weeks before I can fuck my husband?
The alarm beeps as I make my way downstairs, and I wonder if that means someone is coming or going? What time is it, and how late did I sleep?
I smell coffee, something I still refuse to drink, even if it does smell heavenly. But better yet, it’s mixing with the mouthwatering scent of muffins... chocolate ones. A moment later, I’m treated to the sight of Nonna in a kitchen chair, holding Brennan, while Maddox makes her a cup of coffee and Amelia lays out those muffins.
“You look beautiful, principessa ,” Sam whispers, coming out of nowhere, and I jump. “Sorry,” he laughs. “I didn’t mean to scare you.” He holds up an armful of bags. “Where would you like these?”
Maddox looks over at us and smiles. “Ma, you’ve got to stop buying things.”
“Nonsense,” she blows him off and hands him a banana nut muffin, like that could ever be better than that double chocolate one sitting right on top. Damn. I’m hungry. “I’m a grandmother. Let me spoil my babies.”
“ My baby,” Maddox jokes, and his mother pinches his ear until he tugs away. “Listen to me. The beauty of grandchildren is we get to recapture some of the magic of you being young and innocent and beautiful instead of the little shitheads you and your brothers are. Let me enjoy it.”
I giggle and turn to Sam. “Is Lucky still talking about moving out?”
He shrugs. “Only on the days Amelia doesn’t threaten to throw him out.”
“He’s not doing anything his father didn’t do,” Nonna tells me without looking away from Brennan, who’s sleeping soundly in her arms. “Don’t wish these days away. Enjoy every sleepless night and every tiny worry. This life takes so much from us, and when it gives you something beautiful, let the whole family revel in it as much as we want, principe .” She looks up at Maddox. “Some of those presents are from me, and I will buy what I want. I’m holding my great grandson... something my son and my husband never got to do, and as long as I have breath left in my lungs, I’ll do what I want. Because I’m old, and you wouldn’t dare tell me no. Never forget, I’ve been feared longer than your father.” Her wry smile is a little joking and a little serious, and I’m not sure whether to look away or laugh, so I do both and take a few bags from Sam and let him follow me into Brennan’s room so we can leave them there.
“Do you need anything, Lennon?” my father-in-law asks as he pulls more clothes than Brennan will ever need out of a bag.
“I don’t think so, but thank you.” I’m still not used to the way this family is so involved in each other’s lives. It’s not a bad thing, but coming from a very different family makes walking into this a little jarring and a lot intimidating.
“Maddox said you officially announced your retirement from the Royal Ballet...”
“I did,” I answer with a sad smile. “It had been a long time coming. Dancing saved me in so many ways, but I don’t need to be saved anymore. It was time to let it save someone else.”
Sam takes a step toward the door but stops. “I don’t think dancing saved you. I think you figured out a way to save yourself and it was dancing.”
“What’s the difference?” I question as I follow him out.
“The difference is you. You refused to be a victim. You found a way to get through until you could find a way. Sometimes, knowing how to survive just to fight another day is half the battle.”
“I don’t want Brennan to have to fight battles.” Even the thought of it breaks my heart.
Sam places a hand on my back in such a fatherly move, it catches me off guard. “He’ll have his own battles to fight. We all do. But you’ll be there to support him. You and Maddox will make sure he has every tool he needs to succeed. Trust an old man.”
“Yeah... trust the old man ,” Maddox laughs as he walks into the room and over to the changing table with a cranky Brennan. “He just blew out his diaper.”
“You change him, and I’ll feed him,” I offer, and my husband smiles. “And your father is not old.”
“It’s okay, Lennon. Sons will always try to out-alpha their fathers. One day, he’ll realize there is no out-alpha-ing me,” Sam tells me before walking out of the room with a swagger.
Maddox grins as he tries to clean Brennan up. “He wishes.”
I suddenly wonder if I just saw thirty years into my future.
And what a beautiful life it would be.