Chapter 19 #3
He sighed. “I keep thinking ‘if only.’ If only I hadn’t been at the inn that day, if only I hadn’t married Peg, if only I had stopped the villagers from attacking the Darby estate. Elle…I am tired of thinking about what might have happened—I am so tired of thinking about the past four years.”
She was relieved. “You should be tired of thinking about it. Sean, I know you hoped to punish yourself, and you succeeded. You can’t go back in time to change anything that happened.
You are such a good man. Why do you think that Peg loved you?
That Michael wished to be your son? Because they both knew how noble you are. ”
Sean made a grudging sound. “I never thought to marry her, Elle. She told me she was with child a few days after the massacre. I was in such shock, she’d lost her father, and suddenly we were exchanging vows.”
“I understand.”
He studied her quietly. “Do you? Do you genuinely understand? Have you forgiven me, Elle?”
She smiled at him, recalling the anguish his betrayal had caused. “I do understand. I understand completely because I know you so well—and that is why I have forgiven you.”
He smiled, relief in his eyes. “I thought about you that day. I was so uncomfortable. There were so many memories. You were such an impossible child. Just before I left Askeaton, I couldn’t reconcile that child with the woman you had become. The night I left, do you remember it?”
She was thrilled. “I will never forget. I tried to kiss you and you were horrified.” She actually blushed.
“I was afraid,” he said, in a matter-of-fact manner.
“It doesn’t matter.” But now she truly began to understand what had happened to them, as she had grown from child to woman.
“Doesn’t it?”
“We agreed, there is no going backward.”
“But I let you down, didn’t I? You trusted me yet I left you—I failed you.”
“You could never let me down,” she whispered, meaning it with all of her heart. “You promised me you would come back, and you did. And I will always trust you, Sean.”
His gaze held hers. It did not waver. “That promise meant something different to each of us.”
She tensed, somehow knowing she would not like whatever he intended to say next.
“I’m glad you’re marrying Sinclair.”
Those were words she had never wanted to hear. “Don’t.”
“He will take care of you and he loves you. Once, that was my duty and my responsibility. Now, it will be his.”
“You sound as if we are over! We will still be friends!” she cried fiercely. “That will never change!”
He gave her an odd look. “I don’t think friendship is possible anymore.”
She cried out, aghast. “I may become Sinclair’s wife, but I will always love you exactly the way I do right now. You will always be my best friend—you will always be the one I turn to when in need!” She fought the urge to cry. “You are my heart, my soul!”
His mouth turned down, forming a hard line. A terribly intense moment fell. After the lifetime they had shared, after all of the pain and passion, Eleanor wanted to know if he also felt that their love would survive anything, even her marriage to Peter.
He finally said, “You have to go forward.”
She shook her head. “And away from you? Never.” Then, as he was not about to expound, she asked, “What will you do, when you are released, a free man?”
“If I am freed, I am going to America.”
She was stunned. “You will go home. You have to go home to Askeaton—it is where you belong.”
“With you and your husband a few miles away at Adare? No, I don’t belong there now.”
She felt the rush of more fear. “Of course you do! We never finished all the rooms! I can come over to help you, from time to time, when Peter and I visit Adare in the summer!”
“You cannot marry him and have me, too.”
“You’re my best friend! Of course I can!”
“Elle, stop! Everything is about to change. You are going to be another man’s wife. You will have his children. And it won’t matter where I am or what I am doing, because you will be happy—you will have forgotten this…us.”
She was aghast. “How can you think such a thing? Forgotten us?” she echoed. “I will never forget this—us—you! Sean, promise me that, when you are freed—”
He cut her off. “No!” he cried. “No!”
She stared, stunned. “Don’t ask me to let you go,” she begged desperately.
“Don’t cry!” He reached through the bars, “Please, this is for the best.”
She fought for composure. “It is best that I uphold my bargain with Peter and marry him. I am committed. But it is also best that you live in your home, where you are loved, where you belong—and we will remain good friends.”
He laughed bitterly and shook his head. “This debate is absurd, because I will probably hang. You should go.”
It crossed her mind that this was the end, then, for them, because he saw no possibility of continuing their relationship. He was so resolved. She did not move, panic consuming her. She could not bear losing Sean this way. “I can’t go—not now, like this!”
He slowly looked at her. “I am happy for you…Eleanor.”
“No! It is Elle—it will always be Elle!”
He inhaled slowly, deeply. “You are going to have a good life. There will be children—maybe even an impudent girl, just like the child you once were. I am very happy for you.”
She shook her head. “I’m not leaving, not yet. When will I see you again?”
He stared. “You know that is not a good idea. You know this is farewell.”
She cried out, clinging to the bars.
And Sean turned away, calling for the guard.