Chapter 4
LEDGER
Ididn't sleep worth a damn.
Every creak of the cabin had me picturing Sadie in my bed. Every shift of the wind outside made me wonder if she was cold, if the quilts were enough, if she was lying there awake like I was—thinking about doing dirty, sinful things.
I doubt it.
Now it's morning, and the storm's breaking. Sunlight bursts through the windows for the first time in two days, and all I can think is that she's going to leave.
The thought hits me with a strange panic that pisses me off.
I don't need this. Don't need her. I've been fine alone for eight years—more than fine.
But watching her emerge from my bedroom, hair mussed from sleep and my thermal shirt sliding off that pale, freckled shoulder again, I feel anything but fine.
"Morning," she says, voice throaty. "Storm's clearing."
"Yeah." I turn back to the coffee, pouring two mugs because that's what we do now. Have morning coffee together like we're something we're not. "Should be able to travel by afternoon."
She accepts the mug, wrapping both hands around it. "That's...good."
She doesn’t sound like she means it…but I’m probably just projecting.
Bear bounds over with his rope toy, tail wagging hopefully. He’s been restless being stuck inside. He drops it at Sadie's feet, then mine, then hers again, clearly torn about who he wants to play with more.
I'm already kneeling down to grab one end of the rope.
Sadie kneels too, taking the other end, and now we're both on the floor with Bear between us, playing tug-of-war by proxy. Our hands are inches apart on the rope, and when Bear jerks particularly hard, she falls into me, laughing.
I hold her in my arms as we both freeze.
Fuck, holding her like this is too nice.
"Sorry," she finally says, adjusting her clothes and pulling out of my grasp.
She looks at me then, seated on the floor. And there's something in her blue eyes that makes me nervous. "Why did you go to prison, Ledger? What happened?"
Her question still manages to catch me off-guard. Though it’s not necessarily accusatory, or demanding. Just...curious.
I let go of Bear’s rope, and lean back to sit against the couch. Bear immediately brings the toy to Sadie, sensing I’m done.
"My sister," I say, and the words feel rusty.
"Anna. She’s ten years younger than me. Sweet kid, and much too trusting.
" I scrub a hand over my face. "She got involved with this guy.
Charming at first, the way these types always are.
By the time she realized what he really was, she was in too deep. Scared."
Sadie's watching me, petting Bear absently, listening.
"She tried to leave him. Multiple times. He'd sweet-talk her back, promise to change." My hands clench into fists. "Then one night, she called me at three in the morning, crying so hard I could barely understand her. He'd hurt her bad."
She pulls Bear into her lap. "Oh, Ledger."
"I went over there." The memory is still vivid, even after all these years.
"Found her with a black eye, nearly swollen shut, split lip, bruises around her neck.
And him, drunk and mean, telling her she was being dramatic.
" I meet Sadie's eyes. "I lost it. Complete blackout rage.
When I came back to myself, he was on the floor in a bloody mess, and my knuckles were sore. "
Her eyes soften. "I can’t imagine how angry you were."
"I went too far." The shame of it sits heavy in my gut. "Broke his jaw, his nose, three ribs. Could have killed him if the neighbors hadn't pulled me off. The court didn't care that he'd been beating my sister for months. All they saw was my size and the damage I did."
"I’m so sorry. That's horrible."
I shrug. "I pled guilty, did my time. Eighteen months in county, but I mouthed off when some guards got pushy, bullying some other guys for no reason, so they sent me to state for another six.
" I lace my fingers over my knee. "Anna visited at first. Tried to tell me it wasn't my fault.
But I could see it in her eyes—I'd scared her too.
My own sister, looking at me like I might snap. "
Bear comes over to me as if he senses I need a friend, and I pat him.
Sadie takes a deep breath. "You know my dad's a retired cop. Denver PD. Thirty years on the force.”
I’m sure he’d be livid knowing his daughter’s trapped with an ex-con who beat someone within inches of his life.
She continues. "He always said the shittiest part of the job was seeing people at their worst and forgetting they had better days.
Said it was easy to reduce someone to their worst decision and forget all the good ones that came before and after.
" She picks at a stray thread from a nearby rug.
"He made sure we grew up understanding that. "
I blink. Wow. I’m surprised. I didn’t meet many “good cops” as I went through the system. "He sounds like a decent man," I admit.
"He is." She smiles. "He taught me that law enforcement is supposed to be about protection and justice, not just punishment."
“That’s honorable,” I say. “I wish more cops went by that.”
“Well, my three older brothers do. They followed in his footsteps, all in various forms of law enforcement.”
Are you kidding me? “So all of your family is in law enforcement?”
She grins. “My mom was an elementary school teacher.” She tilts her head, her expression turning serious. “But me and my family understand that protective instinct. The anger that consumes you when someone hurts the people you love.”
She shakes her head. "My brother, Kade, got put on leave for roughing up a guy who was hassling me at uni. Dad chewed him out and made him take anger management sessions. But I also know Dad bought him a beer afterward.”
She scoots closer, and now her knee is touching mine and Bear lays down between us.
I huff out a breath. "I couldn't face going back to normal life. Couldn't stand the way people looked at me. So I came out here. Anna's moved on, has a good husband now, two kids. She sends Christmas cards that I don't answer. Because I don't deserve—"
"Stop." Sadie's hand covers mine, warm and soft. "Stop punishing yourself for caring too much."
“You’re unlike anyone I’ve ever met, Sadie.”
We stare at each other, her hand on mine, and damn, I want her so badly.
"We should check the supplies," I say quickly, voice rough. "Make sure nothing got damaged in the storm."
But I don't move. Neither does she.
Finally, she pulls her hand back and stands.
I follow, and we work in charged silence, checking windows, gathering wood from the covered pile outside. Every time we pass each other, we're too close. When I hand her pieces of kindling, our fingers linger. When she reaches over me for something, I feel the heat of her body like a brand.
She's standing by the window, checking the seal, when I come up behind her with the caulk gun. "Here, that corner needs—"
I reach around her to point, and suddenly she's turning, and we're chest to chest, her back against the window.
"Ledger," she whispers.
"I'm trying to be good," I tell her, and it comes out like a confession.
"I know." Her hand comes up to rest on my chest, and I wonder if she can feel my heart pounding. "Me too."
"I'm forty years old, Sadie. Too old to start over, too set in my ways—"
"That's horseshit and you know it." The profanity from her surprises me. "You have decades ahead of you. Stop acting like your life is over when all you need is a brand new start."
The sun chooses that moment to fully break through the clouds, flooding the cabin with light. It catches in her hair, turns her eyes impossibly blue.
"Sadie." My hand comes up to her face, as if I’m no longer in control of it. My thumb traces the line of her jaw and she leans into the touch, eyes fluttering closed.
And that's all I can take.
I lean down and kiss her like I'm drowning and she's air. Like I've been starving all this time and she's sustenance. Like I'm just now learning what wanting really means.
She makes a delicious sound—surprise or surrender, I’m not sure—and then she's kissing me back just as desperately. Her hands fist in my shirt, pulling me closer, and I crowd her against the window, needing to feel every inch of her against me.
She's soft and fierce at once, opening under my mouth, meeting every bit of my intensity with her own.
Fuck, she tastes like coffee and honey and everything I could ever want. My hand cradles the back of her head, and hers slide up to my shoulders, gripping hard. I suck on her tongue and she nips my lower lip, my cock like a steel rod.
We break apart only when oxygen becomes necessary, staring at each other in shock.
"Ledger," she gasps, fingers still twisted in my flannel.
"I know," I manage. "I know."
But I don't know anything except that kissing her has rewired something fundamental in my very soul.
And I'm completely, utterly lost.