19. Kai
Kai
I check the street name on my phone again.
The tension in my body doesn’t ease.
This is it.
The agreement is signed, every part of it double and triple-checked with Briar. Our boundaries are clear… and so are hers.
I swallow. My thumb taps restlessly against the wheel.
She’s late. Only by a few minutes, but enough that nerves pound in a harsh rhythm against my ribcage.
She might have changed her mind. She might not come at all.
But I’ll still wait. All night, if necessary. Just in case.
We’ve done everything possible to make sure Briar will be comfortable with us. The room is set up, the cameras already positioned based on her requests.
One in the corner, covering the room.
Another at the corner of her bed, for… close-ups.
Fuck.
Tonight is her first night. And we’ll be following her instructions to the letter. Including her ask of us for this first time.
Scrolling through my phone, my finger hovers over the message.
One at a time. For the first time. Please.
Whatever she wants, she gets. Jenson will go first. River. And then… me.
It’s no hardship for any of us, and even if it was, it wouldn’t matter. Whilst we’ve discussed taking her between all of us and we fully intend to with her permission, there’s no denying that each of us wants some time with her too. Time to adjust. To face the reasons we wanted to do this in the first place, at least for Jenson and I. Although River’s nerves have started to show in the last day or so, his easy smile replaced by something more… focused.
I jolt as the car door opens, a wave of cool autumn air sweeping through as Briar slips inside, slamming the door behind her.
She doesn’t say anything at first, her head bowed.
Carefully, I reach out and touch her shoulder. When she turns to look at me, my movement is quick. What’s wrong?
“I…,” She stops. Takes a breath. “It’s not anything you’ve done – any of you. It’s not this .”
Okay. But something is wrong.
She lifts her eyes to my face, and I drink her in, worry warring with something hotter. She has her hair pinned back into a loose bun, tendrils of inky dark hair curled around her heart-shaped face.
Briar sighs. “This is the first time in my life that I’ve ever chosen something for myself.”
My attention sharpens as she speaks. As the words roll from her lips, a frown between her green eyes as she talks.
To me.
“Every single part of my life has been chosen for me,” she whispers, searching my face. “But this… I’m choosing this. Because I’m scared that one day, I’ll look in the mirror and everything that makes me who I am will be gone. Wiped away before I even have a chance to learn who I could have been. Does that… Do I sound crazy? It’s ridiculous.”
She half-laughs, her eyes dropping. “I do, don’t I? Sorry. This isn’t – it’s not exactly part of the agreement. Ignore me.”
Slowly, I reach out. My fingers brush beneath her chin, nudging her back up to face me. Her eyes are damp.
I never had any choices either. It’s why I’m like this.
She swallows. “Silent?”
I raise my hands. My voice. I am not silent. I was silenced.
This is a deep discussion. Too deep for now, especially when it’s her pain I want to focus on. But I want her to know this much. My hands move jerkily, and that furrow deepens. I repeat it slowly, emphasizing the tense change at the beginning, the two phrases otherwise identical.
Understanding darkens her face. “Kai—,”
I can help you. If you need it.
I keep going, not looking away. Her situation is vastly different to mine, for obvious reasons. But the pain in her eyes… I recognise that all too well.
And the loneliness. I know that, too, as intimately as I know myself.
I will not let that happen to you , I sign, my heart pounding. I will not let them silence you. Whatever it is.
My hands snap closed, into tight fists, as the sheen in her eyes spills over. She dashes it away with her hand, glancing away from me. “Kai – that is… I don’t have any words.”
But I do. Don’t say anything. But the offer is there at any time. Night, or day. And after.
After we’re done. There is no end date on this.
If this girl needed me, I would go. And whoever they are, I would tear them apart for putting that look in her eyes.
I’m not the helpless child I used to be. And I will be a shield for her, if she needs it.
Several more tears fall. I keep my movements slow, raising my hand in a silent request for permission. When she nods, I carefully run my thumb under her eyes, wiping the tears away before I sit back, giving her time to compose herself.
“Can I touch you?”
The hesitant request has my head snapping around to hers. Any time.
Briar nods. Before I can take a breath, she shifts forward.
And her lips press against mine.
My inhale is sharp. Her kiss is feather-light, as soft as the rest of her. Unsure, almost. As if she’s as uncertain at this moment as I am.
I have never been kissed. Never kissed anyone.
But it feels natural to slide my hand up to cup Briar’s cheek, to tilt her face beneath mine and press back. She’s a perfect fit beneath my touch, her lips a seamless shape against mine.
And the small noise she makes… I think I’d do anything to hear that noise again.
When we break apart, both of us are breathing heavily.
Flushed, she clears her throat. Thank you. For… helping.
My eyes are still wide. If that’s my reward, I’ll help with whatever you want. Anything. Name it.
Her smile is shaky, but genuine. “I’m ready to go. If you are.”
To Ravenhall.
I’m taking her home.
And fuck, if I don’t like the sound of that.