21. Briar
Briar
T he car is quiet as we make our way up the winding driveway. Kai pulled into a small, almost hidden entrance, entering a code before passing through ornate, wrought-iron gates that I’ve passed a dozen times. I always assumed this was a park, or some kind of private land. But I never imagined this . “I didn’t even know this was here.”
A different world, set in the middle of the city I’ve lived in for my entire life.
Kai glances at me with a small smile, one shoulder shrugging up as he pulls around a beautiful, white fountain to park the car in front of a set of carved dark wooden double doors.
When the engine is off, he signs. Welcome to our home.
Ravenhall. I understand the name now.
He circles the car to open my door, and I fight to regulate my breathing as I step out and look up at the building that towers over me.
Ravenhall is… a castle . Or close to. Gothic architecture is everywhere I look, from the steeple that rises up above us to the gargoyles perched, staring down at us with eerie expressions. Even the walls are made from a beautiful, dark-colored brick. “This is beautiful, Kai.”
It almost looks like a church. Huge, stained windows with pretty arches that must cover two floors sit either side of the entrance. Warm light shines through both of them, scattering shades of color on the sandy gravel at my feet.
It should feel intimidating. But instead, it feels… warm. Inviting.
Kai holds out his hand. There’s a question in his eyes.
I kissed him. Pressed my lips against his, full of emotion I couldn’t have voiced if someone had tried to beat it out of me.
At least I can say I’ve kissed someone before we do this.
And it was… perfect.
The familiar nerves spring back to life in my chest as I take his hand. It covers mine, my fingers finding their way through his as he takes my small bag from my other arm and turns, leading me up the steps.
They’re not going to know.
How could they, unless I tell them? The thought of what Jenson would say if he knew that I’m lying has my entire body flinching, and Kai squeezes my hand gently as if mistaking it for nerves.
The guilt snakes around my throat, threatening to strangle me.
They’ve gone out of their way to make me feel at ease. To put any worries I have at rest. And maybe they’ve done a little too good of a job at it. River’s humor, Kai’s shy kindness, Jenson’s firm authority. It’s painting a picture that I’m leaning into a little more and more, every day.
It’s why I said yes to this. To them.
And if I’m going to lose my virginity, I want it to be with these men. Even if I’m not awake to experience it.
Better them than Philip.
Maybe there’s no love here, but there certainly wouldn’t be any there, either. The argument I had with my father before I left rings in my ears as Kai pushes the door open.
You will marry him.
No discussion. No options. A shouted, angry demand. Followed by an announcement that I’m to be fitted for my wedding dress . Tomorrow.
No, I have no regrets, aside from the lie. Gripping Kai’s hand, I stare up with wide eyes at the vast, cavernous space. A huge wooden, elaborate staircase stretches out in front of me, the wide oak splitting into two sides that curve up and around to reach the second floor. I was right about the stained windows, each of them stretching up to the ceiling.
And in front of me—
“Briar.” Jenson’s eyes look bright. He doesn’t smile, but that feels… normal, for him. “I’m glad you’re here.”
Beside him, River grins broadly. “I thought you might have thought better of spending an evening with us.”
Behind him, I glimpse an open doorway to the right of the stairs. A table, set with silver. “I can’t be put off quite that easily.”
“Good.” He winks. “I made dinner. Hope you’re hungry.”
“You cook?” I don’t know why that surprises me. Maybe because he’s so damn tall. He looks more like a Viking than a chef.
“I have many hidden talents.” He bows, holding his arm out toward the dining room with a flourish. “After you.”
He keeps up the discussion over a delicious dinner, Jenson and Kai occasionally chipping in. But all of them watch me. It’s a heady feeling, and I take another sip of wine before reaching for my water. “You all live here, together?”
It’s an unusual setup. River shrugs. “It works for us.”
It does. This house… it suits them. The décor isn’t overly done, simple but warm. Chunky, useful furniture, beautiful artwork on the walls. “How do you all know each other?”
Jenson glances at Kai. He’s stilled beside me, and I look between them. “You don’t have to answer.”
“My father and River’s father were best friends,” Jenson says quietly. “We grew up together. Kai came along a little later.”
It almost sounds like—
“Are you brothers?” They look so different, but the way that he says it makes them sound like family. “And I’ve just realised that I don’t know how old you are.”
Jenson’s mouth twitches. “No. And I’m thirty-three. River is a few months behind me.”
“Age before beauty. I’m thirty-two.” River winks at me, pulling a smile from my lips. “Kai’s the baby of our little trio. He’s the same age as you.”
My lips part. Kai tilts his head to glance at me with a small smile. “Oh.”
Twenty-six. We’re the same age.
He seems so much older than me.
That’s what happens when you’re kept in a bubble, Briar.
But not tonight. We finish dinner before Jenson broaches the reason I’m here. “How are you feeling about tonight?”
My fingers nearly fumble the stem of my wine glass as I meet his eyes. They’re assessing, but not cold. The steel is darker tonight.
Swallowing, I take a breath to give them a proper answer. “A little nervous. But I haven’t changed my mind.”
“You still can,” River says quietly. “At any time, up until we approach your door.”
“I know.” We’ve been over it several times. The medication issued by Emily will be waiting on my bedside table.
I can take it and go to sleep. My door left unlocked. Permission, and a silent invitation.
And if I change my mind, all I need to do is flick the lock. A silent signal that I’d prefer to sleep alone. I wouldn’t even have to see them.
I look around at all three of them. My hands, clammy with nerves, shake as I take a sip. “I’m nervous, but I’m not scared. I trust you.”
None of them would stop me if I wanted to walk out. Kai would drive me back to my house, drop me off, and that would be the end. There would be no more teasing calls with River. No more heated text exchanges with Jenson.
No more kisses with Kai.
It’s the last thing I want.
So I steel myself, looking at Jenson before lifting my chin. “I’m ready to see my room, I think.”
The atmosphere changes. Slowly, he pushes his chair back.
I do the same. The air suddenly feels too heavy, my chest tight.
My whisper sounds loud in the silence. “Goodnight.”
Kai stops me, his hand on my arm. His lips curve up into a small smile before he leans in, his lips brushing against my cheek. Sleep well.
When I pull my eyes from him, River is next to my chair. He holds out his hand in a silent question, and I take it. He helps me up before lifting my wrist, and I suck in a breath as he twists it, pressing an open-mouthed kiss against my pulse. “Sweet dreams, Briar. Whatever you decide.”
Holy shit.
This is it. I take a step away, still watching them before I turn to face Jenson. He’s leaning against the door, his arms crossed. There’s a look on his face I can’t decipher as he turns, leading me into the open hall and up the main staircase, grabbing my bag on his way.
I’m going to—
They’re going to—
“Briar.”
I stare blankly ahead, trying to catch my breath. “I’m fine.”
“No.” Jenson’s voice is soft. I pull my gaze up, realizing that I’ve stopped halfway up the stairs. “No, you’re not. And that’s absolutely fine.”
No. I’m not letting him talk me out of this.
I step past him, heading to the top of the stairs even as my legs threaten to collapse beneath me. “Which room?”
“Briar—,”
“Which room, Jenson?” God, even my fingers are trembling. He’s close behind me, and as I turn, I follow his gaze down to my hands. I snap my traitorous hands into fists, glancing around at the cream walls as if a door will magically appear. “My room?”
The words come out as a rasp. Jenson searches my face for a long, silent moment.
“Turn around,” he says finally.
“What?” I feel a little dizzy. As if my lungs aren’t filling enough for me to take a full breath.
Jenson steps a little closer. Not enough to touch, but enough that I can feel the warmth of him. “Turn. Around.”
I spin, nearly tripping over myself. “I’m fine .”
“Say that again, and this stops now. Put your hands against the wall.”
I just need – a little reassurance. Something. I don’t know. My hands continue shaking even as I press them against the cream paint in front of me. “Like this?”
“Yes.” His voice is close. Too close. And I breathe in sharply as large, warm arms wrap around me from behind.
Jenson pulls me in until my back is pressed to his chest, his hands spread over my stomach. My shaking is more obvious now. “I just—,”
“I know.” His voice is a low murmur. “It’s alright. Take a breath.”
I suck in a shaky breath.
“Good,” he whispers in my ear. He’s a warm, solid wall behind me. “Again.”
I don’t know how long we stay there for. With his arms around me, almost holding me up, and my hands out so I don’t touch him. But it slowly settles something inside me, my body slowly stopping its trembling until I sag back against his chest. “I think I’m okay now.”
“One more minute.” His cheek brushes my hair. “Just to be sure.”
Just to be sure. I tip my head back, carefully resting it against his chest. “Is this… is this okay?”
“I should be asking you that,” he mutters. “But yes. This is fine.”
Our breathing merges until we’re in perfect sync. He holds me steady as if he’d stay there forever.
“I needed this.” It’s easier to admit when I can’t see his face.
“You can lower your hands.” The words come out roughly. “Just… slowly. Rest them on top of mine.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.” He breathes in as I pull my hands in, carefully laying them over his hands on my stomach with a featherlight movement. “That’s – that’s fine.”
Carefully – so carefully – I stroke the very edge of my right thumb over the back of his hand. Jenson’s breath stutters.
“Do you still want to do this?” I close my eyes as I ask the question. “Because I do.”
“Yes.” There’s no doubt in his voice, and it steadies me further. “Very much.”
“Okay. Can I… turn around? If I keep my hands behind me?”
He stiffens, his lips brushing my hair as he thinks it over. “Alright.”
I shift in his arms, his grip tightening as I turn. And his eyes are closed. “Is it mainly hands that bothers you?”
His nod is short. “And kissing.”
“Okay,” I breathe. I keep my movement slow as I lean forward. “My hands are behind me. I’m not going to touch you with them.”
Carefully, I settle my cheek against his chest. His heartbeat thumps against my ear, his palms spreading over my lower back. Holding me against him, even gingerly. “Will you touch my hands? When I’m asleep?”
“I don’t intend to leave a single part of you untouched.” His throat bobs, his chin brushing the top of my head as if he’s looking down at me. “It’s not an issue if I know you can’t reach for me.”
Boundaries. Fears. So many reasons not to do this.
I lean back so I can see his face. Steel-gray eyes blaze down at me.
I want to do this with him. With all of them. I draw back from Jenson, his arms slipping away.
“Show me my room, Jenson.”
And this time, my voice doesn’t shake at all.
His lip tilts up in the corner. But he doesn’t say anything as he turns, leading me to a door directly opposite the top of the stairs that I missed in my panic on the way up. “We put you here. If you want to leave, it’s straight down the stairs. The code is on the notepad beside your bed.”
My heart turns over inside my chest. “You really thought of every possible angle, didn’t you?”
“Tried to.” He runs his eyes over my face. “But most of all, I wanted to make sure that the decision is yours. Not pushed because of something we overlooked.”
“I know.” I know that they want me. But they won’t say a word if Jenson walks away, and they find an empty room in the morning. “Are you coming in?”
He shakes his head. “Take some time. There’s no rush. We’ll be downstairs if you need us.”
Nodding, I grip one arm awkwardly. “Goodnight, then?”
“Goodnight, Briar.” His fingers lift, a hair's breadth away from touching my face. My lips part in shock, but he doesn’t touch my skin, a phantom stroke that lights a fire inside my stomach. “Wear your hair down.”
And he’s gone, my bag placed in front of the doorway. I watch his back, his fists clenched at his sides as he strides down the stairs without looking back.
The room is exactly how they explained it would be. Directly opposite the doorway is a large, four-poster bed, dark wooden pillars at each corner connected by gathered, gauzy white material. The bed is made up, comfortable-looking pillows and silky sheets in shades of white. A warm amber light casts over them from the lamp next to the bed. The notebook Jenson mentioned is beside it.
I swallow. There’s also a glass. And two pills, laid out neatly on a plate.
Biting down on my lip, I scan the rest of the room. Several armchairs sit against the wall to my right, each of them facing the bed, and my body flushes at the idea of them sitting there. Watching me.
It all suddenly feels very… real.
Did you think this was a game, Briar?
The cameras we discussed are clearly visible. One sits in the corner, and the other I find after stepping closer to the bed. The small light blinks at me, meticulously placed to give me a direct view of what happens here tonight.
I’ll be able to watch myself losing my own virginity.
It’s a weird, if titillating thought. I wonder how many people can say the same.
“Okay,” I mutter, placing my hands on my waist. “Let’s get this show on the road.”
The bathroom is pristine and pretty, a copper bath with deep green tiles covering the walls taking up the majority of the room. It takes me some time to go through my bag, clean my teeth and freshen up before returning to the bedroom.
River asked if I’d be comfortable wearing something they chose. It’s laid out on the bed already, and I stroke my finger over the smooth fabric. The set is a beautiful shade of dark green – not underwear, but more nightwear. Shorts edged with lace, and a matching vest with thin straps.
The silk is weightless against my skin. I cross to stand in front of the gold, full-length mirror, assessing myself. My cheeks are rosy with color, my eyes bright.
I look… exhilarated. Excited. Alive.
Reaching up, I unclip my hair, letting it tumble down around my shoulders and combing it out until the tips brush my lower back.
Three things left.
I cross to the door, testing the doorknob. It opens smoothly under my touch, and I close it quickly, careful not to make a noise.
Picking up the water, I take one sip to wet my throat before picking up the tablets.
My choice. This is my choice.
“To making choices.” I tip my glass in an imaginary toast as I push the tablets into my mouth, chasing them down with the water before I can think twice. “And whatever they may lead to.”
Done. It’s… done.
And soon, they’ll be here.
I slip under the sheets, wriggling until I’m on my back. I test out positions for a few minutes until my churning thoughts begin to slow.
No going back now.
I blink once, my eyelids heavy.
Twice.
And then nothing at all.