2. Chapter Two - Jackson
Jackson
This is exactly why I hate being alone with my thoughts.
One moment, I was leaving my house, trying to get some fresh air because I couldn’t sleep. The next moment, my thoughts began to spiral and before I knew it, I started panicking.
And then Adam didn’t answer his phone.
Why the fuck didn’t he answer his phone?
It's not like I call him unannounced, all the time. You learn that lesson after getting blown off for oh so important meetings each and every time.
Really, by now I rarely call him outside emergencies. Yet when this morning, I pulled up his contact purely on instinct.
I turn a street corner, my shoulders sagging in relief as I realize I’m almost home. Turns out the bakery whose staircase I ended up at is only a few blocks away from my current apartment—definitely close enough I almost could have had my panic attack in the comfort of my own home, without having to be rescued by a beautiful woman. Fair to say Lexie didn’t take my breath away: she gave it back to me.
That’s what change does to me. It makes the future unpredictable and that feeling of uncertainty is enough to produce a panic that makes me forget how to breathe.
Because the last time that happened, my parents died.
And my older brother Adam’s got a girlfriend now. That’s a damn huge change.
God knows I’m happy for him. From what I know about Lily, those two are really a case of pot meets kettle. Two workaholics who are leading companies, two strong personalities—two people who get each other on such a fundamental level that they complement each other perfectly.
And their relationship brought changes along, like Adam barely answering his phone anymore whenever one of us calls him. Like him skipping out gaming nights more weeks than not.
Like him living his best life and not including us.
It’s a two-edged sword. Objectively, I know it’s way past time for him to focus on himself. When our parents died, he was the one who stepped up. The one who took over dad’s company and made sure to care for us. He deserves it.
But don’t I too?
After all those years of me asking him for help at home, juggling my own education along with my siblings' commitments, now he scales back?
Like we weren't worth that? I wasn't worth that?
He might have brought in the money, but he wasn’t the one getting Reed, Tanner and Zoey dressed for school. Who got them to their school or after school events, who made sure they did their homework and had someone to talk to once they reached puberty.
No. That was all me. At the expense of my own teenage years while the only adult in our lives hid behind his work.
With a deep sigh, I unlock the door to my apartment building and walk through the unnecessarily fancy hallway. This is the third movie in a row I’ve been shooting in London and by movie number two, I bought an apartment here.
It’s the best decision I’ve made. Now it’s a home away from home.
There was just no way I could deal with weeks or months of living in the same hotel room, having strangers go through my stuff for clean-up every few days. No thank you.
Plus, I love my apartment. It’s spacious enough, although I don’t need most of it, the security is solid, and it’s got a nice view of the Thames. Adam picked well.
With a groan, I collapse on my couch, the lack of sleep making my limbs heavy. Yet my brain is wide awake. Thank fuck I only need to be on set this afternoon.
I try to close my eyes and will my brain to shut up, but I can’t.
What does Adam’s girlfriend mean for our future? Ever since Zoey started at college, it’s like our family is just breaking apart. We used to share everything with each other, always be up to date on what the other siblings were doing.
But now?
Reed and Tanner are up to God knows what, Zoey barely even answers a message anymore, much less phone calls, and all I know about Adam is that he’s got a girlfriend.
I’ve already lost my parents. And now it feels like my siblings are slipping from my grasp.
Ah. There’s the thought that made me panic in the first place. Those uneasy feelings started ever since Tanner moved out. Then Reed. But there was always Zoey. And now that's she's moved out as well, I stand in front of nothing. Like the ground's been pulled from under my feet and suddenly, I was in a completely new reality. One without my siblings.
Before it escalates again, I jump up. Breakfast. Breakfast will take my mind off things.
Just as I jump up, my phone starts buzzing in my pocket and I hurry to fumble it out.
It’s Adam.
I keep looking at his caller name on my phone screen, my pulse rising and my lungs feeling tight.
I take a deep breath and count. Inhale. One. Two. Three. Four. Hold. Count to seven. Exhale for eight. Then I swipe.
"Hi, I saw you called."
I pinch the bridge of my nose. Thanks Captain Obvious.
"I did," I reply dryly, finding the hem of my shirt and rubbing it between my fingertips. "There was something I wanted to talk to you about, but… well, forget it. Thanks for calling back."
The words stumble from my mouth way too quickly, way too monotonous, and I quickly lower my phone to hang up when I hear him say something under his breath.
With a sigh, I lift it back to my ear. Do I want to act like I didn’t hear it? Sure. I would love to. But he’ll just find other ways to bring his point across.
“Huh? I didn’t hear you.” My fingers have found the end of a thread, and I fear this might be the end for my shirt.
"You know, at some point we’re going to have to talk about this, right?" Adam says, voice heavy with tension and I can hear him start to pace.
"Talk about what?" I ask, finally continuing to my kitchen and starting the coffee machine. There is no way I’m sleeping after this conversation; might as well get the day started properly.
"About how you’ve been acting weirdly," he says, and I roll my eyes even though he can’t see it.
"I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m not acting weird."
"You absolutely are," Adam insists. “You’ve changed. You’re withdrawn. Whenever we talk, you get pissy. What gives?”
I throw the spoon I’ve just filled the coffee filter with onto the counter mindlessly and flinch, the sound of it hitting the metal sink louder than I anticipated. I'm withdrawn? Hell, I'm not the one skipping our game nights. But I'm way too exhausted to get into it right now.
“Back off, Adam.”
“See, I would be willing to do that if it weren’t me you’re taking your moods out on.” His tone shifts to anger. My fingers hold onto my coffee mug so tightly my knuckles are turning white when it suddenly bursts out of me.
"If anyone has changed, it’s you." My fingers are back to fumbling the hem of my shirt apart.
"I haven’t changed," he says and takes a deep breath to protest further, but I cut in.
"Then your behavior has changed. Don’t act like it hasn’t—we both know that’s not one of your talents. And it’s fine—everything’s fine. You’re busy with your girlfriend, and I’ll learn to deal with that. I’m not part of that new happiness of yours, I’m hearing that loud and clear."
"Jackson," he sighs. "Can’t we just—"
"No,” I snap. “No, we can’t ‘just.’ You know as well as I do that nothing is ever only ‘just.’ Life goes on, priorities change, I get to deal with my lower spot on everyone’s priority list. That's a fact and I'll have to learn to be okay with it. And that's okay. I'll get there in time. But you can’t expect me to blow glitter up your ass with fake happiness.”
Breathing is the only sound I hear from his end of the line.
“So, say hi to Lily from me. I have to go now. Bye.”
As soon as I hang up, I see him call me back, but I’m muting my phone. I said more than I intended to, but I can’t find it in me to care about his feelings right now.
Frustration making my stomach rumble, I rummage through the kitchen. Anger flowing through my veins, I let it out by slamming cupboard doors and throwing things onto the counter, fighting the urge to paint my white living room wall with coffee.
Fuck.
Everything is changing so fundamentally, it feels like someone’s pulled the ground from right under my feet. I’m free falling, like Alice in Wonderland, only less magical, trying to find something to hold onto and grasping at air.
Fuck. Maybe this is just my destiny. Losing people I love one by one until the only one I can count on is myself.
In the end, I manage to catch a few more hours of sleep before I need to head to work. The air on set is heavy, staff and coworkers running around with hunched shoulders and sour expressions.
Looks like Rob, the director, is in a great mood again today.
"What exactly do you want me to do?" I hear Elena’s shrill voice from the set, the counterpart to my role in the historical romcom we’re shooting. Rob has been hard to please but is definitely giving her the hardest time of us all.
"I’ve told you I need it cooler!" he shouts right back, and I flinch at his booming voice. Working with him should come with a warning label and complimentary earplugs. "You’ve just uncovered a huge secret! Your emotions are shutting off. You need to show that!"
"That’s exactly what I’ve been doing for the last 20 takes!" she says, exasperated, and when I round the corner, I see the two of them in a standoff—her arms crossed in front of her chest, staring at him with a look that could kill while Rob’s hands flex at his sides like he’s holding himself back from getting physical.
"Well, you’re not doing it well enough then," he says with a smug smile and waves her off dismissively.
Oh, he shouldn’t have done that. Elena’s whole demeanor shifts and when she rolls her shoulders, I know I’m in for a treat to witness.
"No," she says firmly, calmness visibly washing over her. "You are going to give me exact pointers on what I need to change—whether it’s my expression, tone of voice, or posture. I’ve tried everything in my power to read your mind and deliver what you want, but obviously, it’s not happening. Either you tell me what you want, or we’re done with this scene."
They stare at each other in what I can only describe as a battle of wills that Elena wins by far.
"I guess we’re done," Rob finally mumbles, waving her off dismissively.
But now it’s Elena’s turn for a smug grin.
"That’s what I thought."
Huge gown swirling, she turns away from Rob to storm off set, shooting me a smirk as she spots me and muttering something about a "goddamn motherfucker" under her breath when she passes me.
When I look back, Rob is pissed. Seriously, the only thing missing is steam coming out of his ears. Shaking my head, I leave for my trailer, where my makeup artist and stylist are already waiting for me.
I’ve never been in a historical drama before, so it was a challenge to prepare for. I’ve spent nearly a year with a dialect coach trying to nail the British accent.
From what she’s told me, I’m passable. Not great, but it works well-enough for the sake of this production. I cringe every single time I have to re-watch a scene though.
My character does a lot of wordless pining anyway, so overall, it works.
It’s a fun script. I could be having an absolute blast in this role if it weren’t for Rob and his tantrums or Elena and her tendency to bring Rob to his limit, whether intentionally or not. I’ve never acted in a movie where the chemistry between cast and director was this explosive, and I for sure hope I never will again.
Today didn’t start as a great day to begin with and it’s not getting better.
Instead of focusing on my lines, I find my thoughts drifting back to my conversation with Adam this morning and to the beautiful girl with the fiery red locks who smelled like marzipan and coffee and helped me calm down.
Lexie. I like her name.
I’ll definitely have to go back there and give her a proper thank you. God knows the average person wouldn’t have batted an eye.
Come to think of it, it’s by far not the first time I’ve been out and about in the early morning hours because I couldn’t sleep, but the first time I found a shop about to open.
Maybe I’ve found my new daily spot for my first coffee of the day.