Chapter 31
THIRTY-ONE
Blake
On Sunday morning, Blake dragged himself out of bed and trudged to the living room, where he curled up on the couch in his sweats.
He listlessly scrolled through the Netflix queue, looking for a movie that wouldn’t require a lot of thinking to enjoy.
He skipped over all of Dustin’s documentaries on his hunt for a sappy rom-com or a trashy reality show.
Virgil had given him the weekend off, so he planned to hunker down in his apartment for the rest of the day. He’d sent a text to his friends saying he wouldn’t be at brunch but didn’t say much else. He wasn’t ready to face Ethan yet. The pain was too fresh.
He had just dozed off when a knock on his door startled him awake. From the other side, Xander called, “Are you decent?”
Although company was the last thing Blake wanted, he padded over and opened the door.
Xander took one look at him, shirtless in his sweats, and flashed a smile. He held up a takeout bag stamped with the Heyday logo. “Thought you might need to refuel.”
The delicious aroma of butter and bacon wafted into the apartment, and Blake’s stomach growled. Suddenly company didn’t sound like such a bad idea. He stepped aside and invited Xander in. “Can I get you something to drink?”
“Nah man, I’m good.” Xander closed the door behind himself. “I’ve had enough coffee for today.”
They took a seat on the couch, and Blake clicked off the television. He opened the bag and removed two sandwiches.
“Bacon, egg, and cheese biscuits. They were today’s special,” Xander said. “I brought one for Ethan too, since I assume he’s here recovering from a night of getting railed.”
When Blake unwrapped the sandwich, his mouth watered at the sight of the golden-brown biscuit, stuffed with a fluffy fried egg, melted cheddar, and thick slices of bacon.
He bit off a piece of bacon that was sticking out of the biscuit and groaned with pleasure at its smoky flavor. He hadn’t realized how hungry he was.
After another bite of the rich sandwich, Blake shook his head. “Ethan isn’t here. He wasn’t at work?”
“Nope, Philip was our server today.”
Blake set his sandwich on the coffee table and brushed crumbs off his fingers. “I need some juice. Sure you don’t want something to drink?”
Blake hurried out to the kitchen and hid behind the open refrigerator door, pretending to look for the bottled juice that was on the shelf right in front of him. He wasn’t ready to talk about the Ethan situation. Maybe he could change the subject.
He grabbed the bottle of mango orange juice and screwed off the cap. As the refrigerator door swung closed, Blake asked, “So how are Spence and Mick––”
He snapped his mouth shut without finishing his sentence.
Xander had his elbows braced on the back of the couch, resting his chin on his clasped hands and studying Blake through narrowed eyes.
When Xander focused his full attention on you, he could be very intimidating.
“What’s going on? You never miss brunch, but this morning you and Ethan both skip, and you’re not together fucking each other senseless? ”
Blake took a swallow of his juice and shuffled back to the sofa, dropping onto the cushion next to Xander. “Ethan and I kinda, might’ve… broken up.”
“What happened?”
“Thursday night, Ethan and his friend came to my show for the first time. He found out I was a porn star and ran out of the club. We haven’t talked since.”
“He honestly didn’t know you’re Dirk Slocum? You’re like the Ryan Gosling of porn.”
“He didn’t know.” Blake took a bite of his sandwich and spoke around his mouthful. “And I’m more like the Ryan Reynolds of porn.”
Xander chuckled. “Well, the news may have surprised him, but he’ll have to get used to you doing porn if he wants to date you.”
“I’m not modeling anymore.”
“What? You’re giving up porn for Ethan? That’s your career.”
“Not anymore.” Blake wiped his greasy hands on his sweatpants. “I have news I was going to tell you at brunch today. Please don’t get mad I didn’t say something sooner.”
“No promises.”
“The Firehouse is closing in September, and I’m taking over the lease so I can open my burlesque club.”
Xander’s eyes lit up. “Dude! That’s amazing! You’ve been talking about having your own club for years.”
Blake offered a half-hearted smile. “Ethan helped me with the business plan. We were planning to open the club together.”
Xander sat back, frowning. “Don’t chain yourself to one guy. You see how quickly things can fall apart. The guys and I will help with the club. We’ll always have your back.”
“I know.”
“Wow, you’re finally opening your club. This is huge. We should go out and celebrate.”
“I don’t feel like celebrating yet.”
Xander shook Blake’s shoulder. “Dude, come on. I’ve barely seen you outside of our jogs and workouts. When was the last time we went out together?”
“The Rumpus Room.”
“I mean out out – to hook up with guys. We’ll hit up The Manhole. You haven’t had new dick for a while, and it’s time to get back in the saddle.”
“I don’t want new dick.”
“I don’t get it, man. Hooking up is what we’re all about. Remember? All the fun, no messy feelings? Definitely no feeling like this,” Xander said, sweeping his hand up and down in front of Blake.
Blake chewed the last bite of his sandwich and washed it down with what was left of his juice.
“When you get into porn, the producers tell you how much fun you’re going to have.
How many hot guys you’re going to fuck, how famous you’ll be, how much money you can make.
They leave out the bad parts. Well, they mention you might get an infection, or have to screw guys you aren’t attracted to.
But they don’t tell you that you’ll never really get away from the industry. Even if you stop, it’ll follow you.
“I loved making porn, but I didn’t see myself doing it forever. I always imagined that someday I’d quit, start dating again, and find a boyfriend. I’m not sure that can happen now. All my porn scenes are online forever.”
Blake turned to his friend. They rarely had serious conversations, preferring to keep their friendship fun and playful. But Blake was genuinely curious about Xander’s plans for his future. Was he really content with a life of meaningless hookups? “Don’t you ever want more?”
“More what?”
“I don’t know. Closeness? Intimacy? A boyfriend, rather than a hookup or fuck buddy?”
“I have my friends, and I have sex all the time. What could a boyfriend give me that I don’t already have?” Xander sighed in frustration. “I don’t see how one person can be more important than your whole crew. Friends are the ones who’ll always be there for you. Without judging you.”
“Ethan’s my friend, too.”
“You’ve known him a month. You’ve known me, Spencer, and Quinn for years.”
“And I love you guys, but my connection with Ethan is different.” Blake struggled to find the words that would help Xander understand.
“When I hook up with some random guy, I’m performing.
I’m trying to live up to his expectations after seeing me in porn.
I’m always second-guessing myself. With Ethan, I don’t have to do any of that.
We can just be together. I thought I finally found someone who wanted to be with me because of who I am, instead of how I look, or how big my dick is. ”
Xander rubbed his chin, shaking his head. “I guess I thought the four of us would always be the same – best friends taking on the world. You’re like brothers to me.”
“I still want to take on the world with you guys. I just want to invite Ethan along for the ride.”
“He’s cool, I guess. But if he can’t handle your porn career, he’s not really sex god material.”
“Trust me,” Blake said, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. “He’s sex god material.”
With a scowl, Xander threw up his hands. “Well, how would I know that? You haven’t shared anything at brunch yet, and you know the rule – if you don’t talk about sex, it didn’t happen.”
“Next time,” Blake promised.
“Fine.” Xander nodded, his mouth a thin line. “Want to work out with me this afternoon? Tyler will be at the gym, training with this guy named Finn who’s hot as balls.”
“Not today. I want to hang here, in case Ethan reaches out.”
“Why wait around? If you want to talk to him, text him.”
“He said he needed some time. It’s probably best if I wait until he contacts me.”
“If you say so,” Xander said, his words sharp at the edges. “I’ll let you… do whatever you’re doing.” He walked to the door and paused with his hand on the knob, but then left without saying a word.
Less than a minute later, Blake received a text.
XANDER
Don’t wait too long. I miss you.
Blake turned on the TV and lay on his back, staring at the ceiling.
How the fuck did things go so wrong?
He closed his eyes, and brought to mind the happy memories from their first date – the night when Ethan believed in their future as a couple enough to name a stuffed duck Blathan.