Chapter 34
THIRTY-FOUR
Blake
Blake sat in the park, on the same bench where they’d had their second date. Behind the skyline, the clouds were ablaze with fiery orange light.
A group of friends walked by, laughing and chatting, the ends of their cigarettes glowing red in the failing light of dusk. Around the park, lamps flickered to life like over-sized fireflies.
Within a few minutes, the sun was gone.
Blake tilted his head back, scanning the indigo sky for their stars. He only found a few faint pinpricks of light. A breeze rustled the leaves of the palm tree overhead.
He checked the time on his phone. It was nearly 8:30. With a sigh, he opened his text chain with Ethan. His last message was marked Read, but there was no response.
At least I tried.
Something flashed in his peripheral vision. Without saying a word, Ethan sat down next to him, his hands tucked into the front pocket of his hoodie.
“You came,” Blake said.
Ethan nudged Blake’s shoulder with his own. “I came.”
Words crowded Blake’s brain, leaving him tongue-tied. There was so much he wanted to say. I’m sorry. I miss you. Can we start over? What finally tumbled out was: “I read your story.”
Ethan kept his eyes trained on the skyline, but the corner of his mouth lifted in a soft, wistful smile.
“It was really good.”
“Thank you,” Ethan said, finally turning to face Blake. “That means a lot to me.”
Blake longed to touch the man beside him, to cradle his jaw, to run his fingers through his hair. To show through his touch all the feelings he struggled to express with words. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”
“I’m sorry, too. I should’ve talked to you, rather than running away. When I found out you were a porn star, it stirred up all this jealousy and insecurity. I had to sit with that for a while.”
“I was getting ready to tell you. I swear. Before the show that night, I was talking to Tenny about how to bring it up.”
Ethan gave a subtle nod.
Fidgeting with his hands, Blake continued. “I haven’t dated anyone since I started modeling. I really like you, and I was afraid if I told you I made porn, it would ruin what we had.”
“What would have happened when I eventually found out? Apparently, you’re a pretty big star. Award-winning, in fact.”
“I hadn’t thought that far ahead.” Blake raised his eyebrows. “Wait, how did you know… Did you Google me?”
“Yeah. And Zane is a huge fan of yours.”
“I was a big star, but that’s all in the past.”
“You’re not filming scenes anymore?”
“No. I actually just turned down a really big offer from a major studio.”
“How big?”
“Around five thousand dollars.”
Ethan’s mouth fell open. “Five grand to have sex with a guy?”
“Well, two scenes and an orgy.”
“That’s a lot of money to walk away from.”
“It is. But I don’t regret turning it down. I don’t want to go back to that life. It doesn’t fit me anymore. I prefer the way I feel when I’m with you.”
Although Ethan smiled at that, it faded quickly. He leaned forward, clasping his hands and resting his forearms on his thighs. Gazing at the ground, he dug the toe of his sneaker into the grass.
“You can ask me anything,” Blake offered. “Let’s get it all out in the open.”
Ethan chewed his lower lip for a few seconds before quietly asking, “How many men have you slept with?”
The million-dollar question. Blake’s stomach tied in knots. He’d lost count years ago.
“I don’t know the exact number.”
“Fifty?”
“Higher,” Blake mumbled.
Ethan faced Blake, his eyes wide. “A hundred?”
With a grimace, Blake pointed his forefinger up.
His voice high and reedy, Ethan asked, “Five hundred?”
“That’s in the ballpark.”
“Wow,” Ethan whispered. He shook his head and stared at the grass again.
“I was always the top, and the sex was mostly safe… ish. We got tested all the time…” His voice trailed off. “That doesn’t matter, though, does it?”
Ethan was quiet, his brow furrowed, his lips pressed into a frown.
“You’re disgusted by me,” Blake said.
“No, I’m not disgusted. It’s just, I can’t imagine being with that many men. I had a summer where I fooled around on the apps and slept with about a dozen guys. Afterwards I felt like a slut. I don’t understand how guys can be so casual about sex.”
“Sex with you wasn’t casual.”
Ethan smiled, but his eyes were sad, like he was trying to believe that but couldn’t quite get there. “How do you even get into porn? Did you wake up one day and think, ‘hmmm, I’m going to be a sex worker.’”
“Not exactly.”
Ethan sat up and turned to face Blake, giving his full attention.
Although Blake disliked dredging up the past, this might be the only opportunity to tell his story. His one chance to help Ethan understand. “I was chubby as a teenager. And I struggled in school. The other kids called me ‘Blake the Blockhead.’”
“Those little assholes.”
“I barely passed my classes. I was able to graduate, but I wasn’t going to get into college like my boyfriend, Dylan. He went to school in San Diego, so I didn’t see him much. In the fall, I took some bartending classes. Turns out, I’m good at mixing drinks, and by spring I was working full-time.
“I missed Dylan, though. I was depressed, and I put on a lot of weight. That summer, Dylan broke up with me. He said he needed a man who had his life together. He didn’t want to date a fat bartender.”
Under his breath, Ethan mumbled, “What a dick.”
“The breakup hurt, but it pushed me to do something with my life. I got a new job tending bar in the city. My co-worker told me I’d get more tips if I was in better shape.
So I started training with Xander, and I put on muscle really quickly.
Soon, I wasn’t the chubby kid anymore – I was hot.
Xander introduced me to his friends, and I became one of the sex gods. ”
Ethan perked up. “Sex gods?”
“It’s a whole thing with Xander. Anyway, one night we were all at The Manhole, and they were having an amateur strip show.
I love dancing, so I joked about signing up.
The guys told me I should do it, since I was one of the hottest guys there.
So I signed up. It was fun. I was just goofing around, but there was a talent scout in the audience from Private Dick studio.
He came up to me afterwards and gave me his card. Said he could make me a star.”
“And he did.”
“Yeah. I liked being a porn star. It was right for me at the time. I’ve always wanted to be a pop star, and this felt like a step in that direction. It made me feel good about myself. It was a way to make a lot of money for someone who didn’t go to college.”
“I get that. And it makes a lot of sense. I should have known you had a good reason for getting involved in the industry. Sorry for being flippant about it.”
Blake wasn’t sure what “flippant” meant, but it sounded like Ethan was on his side again. He swallowed around the lump in his throat. It was time to ask the question he’d been turning over in his mind all week. “So… what happens now?”
Ethan shrugged.
Blake shifted closer until his knee brushed Ethan’s. “Are we still boyfriends?”
Placing his hand on Blake’s knee, Ethan let out a pained sigh. “We should… Let’s, um, take a step back from being boyfriends and focus on the club. We can work on rebuilding trust. Besides, my father would freak the fuck out if he knew I was dating a porn star.”
“Ex-porn star,” Blake corrected.
“That wouldn’t matter to my dad. It took me years to build a relationship with him once he was home more. I want to meet him halfway.”
With a resigned nod, Blake said, “I understand. If my dad were in my life, I’d do everything I could to make him happy, too.”
“That being said, my father’s company is a bunch of predatory corporate assholes.
I can’t stand that they’re waiting around for you to fail so they can swoop in and destroy something you’ve worked so hard for.
I believe in you, Blake. I still want to be a part of the club.
With your talent and my business knowledge, we can make a go of it and prove those bastards wrong. ”
It wasn’t exactly the answer Blake wanted to hear. He’d been holding out hope that they’d end the night in each other’s arms. But if he and Ethan were working closely together, there was at least a slim chance they’d eventually be able to put all this behind them.
Blake held out his hand. “Business partners, then.”
Ethan smiled and shook his hand. “Business partners.”
The handshake lingered a beat too long, and after an awkward silence they both dropped their hands and turned to face the horizon.
Blake tracked the lights from an airplane flying over the city until it disappeared from view. Finally, he said, “Thank you for agreeing to help me with the club. I couldn’t do this without you.”
“You could. You don’t give yourself enough credit.”
“I’m not like you. You’re so smart. You shine.”
Ethan looked into Blake’s eyes, the corners of his mouth drooping. “Oh, Blake. You shine. You shine brighter than the sun.” He rested his head on Blake’s shoulder.
Hesitantly, Blake wrapped his arm around Ethan. Although Ethan didn’t snuggle into his side the way he once would have, he didn’t pull away either. They sat in silence, having nothing else to say.
Even though they’d agreed to embark on a new venture together, it still somehow felt like goodbye.