Chapter Twenty
Emma
I want to be with Clifton, even if it costs me.
Right now, I”m looking at it costing me my job, reputation, and my integrity, but he’s still worth it. The thought of a relationship costing me my peace, my security, or my stability weighs heavily on me, but only because I’m not sure Clifton feels as strongly as I do.
I”m the Sterling in this situation; I dove right in, headfirst, and I might have done so in the shallow end of the pool.
But my feelings for Clifton run deeper than I ever thought possible. Even if it costs me everything, I think I want him. I might even love him, as crazy as that makes me sound.
Of course, I know that we need to keep things secret at work. We can”t let anyone know about us, especially Clifton”s dad. The man lays down the law, even from a hospital bed. I doubt he”d be okay with his son and I blatantly breaking the rules. We”re setting a bad example for everyone else who works there if our relationship comes out.
I understand the reason why people shouldn”t date in the workplace, because if they break up, keeping things civil is often impossible. But Clifton and I are different... which I”m sure every couple in the history of time who has done this have also said to themselves.
Thet reality of the situation is that Anton is not strong enough to deal with such an emotionally charged blow right now. He’s fragile, still in the hospital healing, and doesn”t need the fear of his firm crumbling down around him to be added to his already delicate mental state. Nobody needs that stress - but especially not him.
I”d never forgive myself if that news was the news that tipped the scales out of his favor. The man is healing up beautifully. He doesn”t need to know that his son is dating his employee. He doesn”t need to know that we”re breaking the rules, and he doesn”t need to know that we”re risking our career and the integrity of the firm.
Maybe I”m just being selfish.
But Clifton is the best thing to happen to me in a long time and I”m not willing to let him go without a fight... unless he wants to walk away.
Right now, I want Anton to focus on his recovery; he needs to rest and relax and heal so he can come back and lead this firm, because as good as Cliton will be, I see the weight and strain on his shoulders. I”m not sure how long he can put up with the weight of keeping the firm afloat and his father”s health crushing him before he can’t take things anymore.
I wander around my apartment and inhale the scent of flowers and feel absolutely lost. I open the fridge, as if looking for something to eat before closing it and wandering away again. In my room, the shadows of my and Clifton”s time together dance around me, torturing me with what ifs.
We can hide our relationship and pretend that we”re just colleagues or friends, or that we”re not together, but for how long?
I’m deeply afraid that I”m going to fall head over heels for the man and he”s going to decide that a future with me is not what he wants and walk away, leaving me heartbroken and picking up the pieces. Has love always been this uncertain? I am not uncertain about the way I feel; I”m just uncertain about our possible future.
I walk into the bathroom, contemplating if a hot shower will help ease some of the tension that”s forming a headache at the base of my neck. But I”m not sure I even have the energy to get undressed and stand under the hot water.
So I make my way back to my room and collapse onto my bed. Staring up at the ceiling, I wonder what to do now. I don’t want Sterling, but he is set on inserting himself in my life and trying to destroy everything I’ve worked so hard for as revenge because I’m not interested in him anymore.
Rolling my head to the side, I stare at the clock and wonder if I could invite Clifton out to the park, or a coffee place, or even my house. I want to spend time with him, but it just seems impossible.
Bringing my hand to my face, I press my fingertips to my lips, remembering his sweet kiss and how liquid molten heat surged in me when he kissed me. I want him to kiss me again.
I can”t believe that Sterling is following us around, that he”s been watching me. The spying is very much stalker behavior, and I’ve filed a report with the cops, who told me there’s not a lot they can do without proof of a threat of harm. As if threatening my job isn’t a threat of harm. But when I’d said that, they clarified to a threat of physical harm.
They can”t help, just like I thought. Sure, they”d seemed sympathetic, but sympathy isn”t going to save me if Sterling goes off the deep end and strangles me to death in my sleep. Maybe I need to stop watching murder shows before bed.
I”m afraid of what happens if this gets out, because even though Clifton is worth whatever fallout there is, I don”t want people to think poorly of me, I don”t want my reputation damaged, and I don”t want to be seen as the woman who sleeps her way to the top. I mean, that’s just not true.
I know that Clifton doesn”t want to hurt his dad or the firm, either.
If we were smart, we”d just call things off and stop risking everything.
I stand up, wandering through my home again. I stop by the sunflowers and inhale their delicate scent. The thick smell of lilacs cling to the air and leaves my mouth watering. Their light purple blooms and the darker lavender I’ve paired them up with bring happiness and peace to my heart.
I love my flowers and I love my life. Maybe I need to stop playing with fire and risking it all for someone that might not even feel the same way about me that I feel about them.
I consider calling Katie and getting her perspective, but I don’t want to bother my friend. And things are so fresh that I might break down and cry talking to her.
Instead, I pick up my phone and call Clifton. We”d both gone our separate ways after our run in with Sterling.
“Hello,” he says, his voice warm, yet worried.
“Hi. I think we need a plan,” I say.
He hesitates on the other end of the line, and I worry he’s about to tell me that it’s over. I mean, that”s the smart move. I couldn”t blame him if he did.
“I meant what I said.” Clifton sounds confident as he doubles down. “No one”s going to believe a word that comes out of his mouth after what happened in our office. Besides, how is he going to come tell anyone at our office if he”s not welcome in the building? Security is going to see him at the door and escort him off the premises, and if he continues trying, he”ll get slapped with trespassing charges.”
The thought of Sterling running to tattle on us at our jobs and getting charged with trespassing brings a smile to my lips.
“Are we being stupid?” I ask, wondering what he’ll say to my concerns.
“I don’t think so. Do you? If we let Sterling dictate what we can and can’t do, that seems more stupid.” He lets out a soft chuckle and I couldn”t agree more.
“You’re right,” I say, letting the breath out of my lungs slowly. With it goes some of the stress and tension I’ve been struggling with. He’s so reassuring, and I’m grateful for this conversation.
“Look, I like you. A lot. I don’t want Sterling to be the reason we call things quits before we even fully explore whatever this is.” He sounds confident and sure, and excitement begins to well up in me, threatening to drown me as a huge smile leaves me looking like an idiot, I’m sure.
“I like you a lot, too,” I say, feeling like I’m back in middle school talking to my first crush. There’s something so pure about how I feel about Clifton. Something reminiscent of the wonder and excitement the world held back then that seems to have faded with time and experience.
Feeling much better, I say my goodbyes and hang up, ready to call Katie for more support. I’m relaxed after talking to Clifton, but I want to fill her in on the details.
I stand up and wander back into my kitchen, pausing to pull a salad out of the fridge. Sitting down at the breakfast bar, I dial her number.
She picks up on the second ring. “Hey, Em!”
“How are you, Katie?” I ask at the same time and we both laugh.
“I’m great. Loving the new position, though it comes with more responsibility than I expected. Nothing too bad, though.” She sounds excited and animated, and I”m happy for her. “Now you,” she says.
“Clifton and I went on a date at the park and had ice cream and kissed under a willow tree.” The details spill out of me.
“That sounds absolutely adorable.” I can tell she”s waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I’m not about to hold back.
“Sterling showed up and told us that he is going to make sure everyone at the firm knows about us.” The words still wrap around my heart like an angry hand and squeeze.
She draws a deep, hissing breath. “What a mess. I knew this guy was trouble from the start.”
I nod my head, well aware that she”d called it before I ever went on a date with him.
“I mean, if Clifton makes you happy, then go for it. If it”s not worth the risk, then don”t.” She sounds so sure and calm. I wish that it was as easy as she seems to think it is.
“He does make me happy, but I”m risking my entire life for a guy that might not even care about me.” I hear the fear in my voice.
“Did you talk to him about your concern?” she asks gently.
“I mean, I didn”t tell him that I worry he might not even care about me because that would be a little psychotic this early on. But what if I”m wrong about him?” I don”t want to come across as insane, like Sterling.
“That makes sense. I think only time can unravel this one, but I”m here if you need me. If there”s anything I can do to help, just let me know. I”m sorry, I can”t do anything more than just listen right now.”
“I appreciate you,” I say, genuinely grateful for her.
“And I appreciate you.” I can hear the smile in her voice as she speaks. “Don”t let Sterling get to you. You deserve to be happy. And if you”re happy with Clifton, then chase after that. Almost everything in life can be fixed, but you can”t go back in time for those opportunities you let pass you by.”
She is right. Maybe I need to worry less about my ex, the firm and people”s perception of me, and start focusing more on my future and happiness. “That’s really helpful, thank you.”
We say our goodbyes and get off the call and I munch thoughtfully on my salad, staring out the window at the sparkling city.
I’m not going to let Sterling make me live in fear of what he might do. Swallowing the bite in my mouth, I speak into the silence.
“I deserve to be happy.” The words feel good.