Chapter Twenty-four
Emma
The sunshine warms my skin as I walk through the park. I inhale the fresh air, feeling renewed and happy as I walk along the paved path.
As I walk, flashes of mine and Clifton’s date here fill my mind. I think about how he”d never tried pistachio ice cream before, but he”d been open to trying something I loved. Not only that, but he found something new that he loves.
I stop by the same little ice cream cart vendor and get a pistachio cone. The guy smiles as he hands me the treat and I pay, leave a tip, and keep moving. I don”t want to be late.
All around me I hear the sounds of children playing, parents talking in low muffled tones, and the occasional bark of laughter someone can”t hold back. It’s a beautiful day to be at the park, and I”m glad that we decided to come here.
As I walk, I pass by the weeping willow and feel heat rush to my cheeks as I glance at the ground. We’d kissed there, and I can’t forget how I felt, or how wonderful he’d been. My heart stutters as I think about him, and I admit the truth to myself - he makes me happy.
Even when he’d decided not to come home with me last week, I understood why and wasn’t hurt. The rejection didn’t sting because I knew his reasons - and intentions - were kind and caring. It hadn”t even felt like rejection, but a responsible, mature decision decided in both our best interests.
I want to take out my phone and text him, tell him that I missed him or that I”m thinking about him. But I know that right now he”s spending time with his dad, and I don”t want to put him in an awkward situation. He”d either interrupt his time with Anton to respond and possibly give us away, or he’d feel bad putting me off. I don’t want either of those options, so I’ll wait a bit. His dad deserves all of his attention right now.
I reach the stone bench where Katie and I agreed to meet.
She”s already there, waiting for me, her phone in one hand and an ice cream cone in the other. Her childlike love of cotton candy flavored ice cream hasn”t dimmed one bit and the pale pink and blue of her treat tells me that’s what she went with this time, too.
She glances up from her phone, and I smile and wave. Without hesitation, she stands up, her pale lavender dress both professional and soft, topped off by a slim golden y necklace that glitters with her movement. She opens her arms and I step into the hug.
“Hi, Katie!” I say, my heart leaping with excitement.
“It’s so good to see you,” she says, pulling back and smoothing a hand over her perfectly beautiful blonde French knot. The color of her dress almost gives her gray eyes a lavender hue, and I know men all around us are staring... even those with wives and kids. Katie has always had that effect. Everywhere we go, she turns heads, male and female alike.
“You look amazing, as always,” I say as we begin our walk along the path. She smiles up at me, her beautiful features betraying her amusement. That might be the most attractive thing about her, that she doesn”t realize how pretty she is - but she also doesn”t let people compliment her to get their way. Her healthy self-esteem is a life goal for me.
My phone buzzes and I pull it out of my purse. I glance down at the thinking of you message with a smile on my face and quickly respond back.
I was going to message you but didn’t want to interrupt.
“Uh-oh, if you”re smiling like that, it must be your Prince Charming,” Katie says with more than a hint of humor. I shove my phone back in my purse and lift both shoulders.
“Maybe it was, maybe it wasn”t.” I love how sweet and flirty he is, and how his messages bring me a burst of energy.
“I love this color on you,” Katie says.
I”m wearing a dress that matches my blue eyes, and my long wavy blonde hair is pulled up severely away from my face. “Thank you,” I say, loving how specific the compliment is. She’s thoughtful, and I love that.
“So how have you been?” I ask. “How is the new position going? Has the shininess worn off?”
She shrugs. “It has and it hasn”t. But I want to talk about you and Clifton.” There’s a giddy gleefulness in her voice that has me smiling.
I”m so grateful for our friendship.
“You look so radiant, and I think it”s because of Clifton.” She gently digs her elbow into my side as we continue walking through the park, alternating time in the sun and shade as the trees towering overhead sway gently in the wind. I lick my ice cream cone savoring the sweet and nutty flavor as I think about how to respond.
“Maybe,” I say, trying to forget the difficult parts of our relationship. Sometimes life isn”t fair. He makes me so happy. But life conspires to keep us apart.
“And is Sterling leaving you alone now?” She glances up at me as we walk.
“Actually, that”s one of the things I wanted to talk to you about,” I say. “I filed for a protective order against him.” I”m proud of myself for taking that step to protect my own safety.
“Oh, wow! I’m glad you filed.” We walk up to another stone bench - one that overlooks a pretty pond littered with ducks and geese paddling around - and sit down. “He needs to know that you”re serious and he can”t mess with you anymore.”
That”s what any sane person would think. I”m not so sure anymore that Sterling is sane.
I sigh and shake my head. “It”s just a piece of paper, Katie. It”s not like he”s suddenly going to change his behavior or leave me alone.”
“Well, yeah, he”s obsessed with you. But now that you”ve started this process, every time he messes with you, you can file a report and eventually maybe the cops can do something.” She focuses on her cotton candy ice cream for a moment as I stare at the pretty white geese on the pond, wondering why such a beautiful animal chooses violence. I swear all geese are possessed by the devil himself.
Katie puts her arm around me and hugs me. “You deserve better,” she says between licks of her cone. “Like Clifton.”
I can”t help but smile at how neatly she’d slipped that in the conversation. At least she”s not keeping how she feels about him a secret. I”ll always know where she stands in regard to him.
“Thanks.” And this is part of the reason why I love hanging out with her and talking out my life; she has a way of putting things into perspective. “I just don”t understand why he won”t leave me alone and let me go. We didn”t even have that much of a connection.”
But Katie shakes her head like I”ve got it all wrong. “You didn”t feel that much of a connection. He knows he lost something amazing. He lost you and he can”t stand it. He tried to play a game with your heart because he couldn”t control you the way he wanted and it backfired, and now he doesn”t know what to do.” She lets out a tight laugh and I know she’s right. “You beat him at his own manipulative game, and I”m willing to bet that”s never happened to him before.”
I shake my head, worried that she”s the one who”s not understanding. “I was never manipulative with him, just honest and open.”
She pats my back with one hand. “I wasn’t trying to say that you were manipulative, just that you beat him at a game he tried to play.” As she takes my hand and squeezes it, I angle my body toward hers so our legs form an arrow pointing to the evil geese.
“So how are things with you and Clifton? Not the surface answer, a real answer.”
I can’t keep a smile off my face or stop the sigh of relief I feel that we’re done discussing Sterling. I just want to forget he exists forever.
“Things are as good as they can be. It’s complicated; we’re not supposed to see one another, but it’s so hard. I can’t stay away from him, you know?” I feel helpless as I speak. I’ve been puzzling over our situation but can’t seem to find a graceful solution that doesn”t end in pain or loss of something important.
I feel warm and fuzzy when thinking of Clifton, but that’s not enough.
“He sounds like a keeper, Em,” Katie says as we finish our cones. “I wouldn”t let him get away if I were you.”
That”s just it. I want to keep him, but I don”t see a graceful way out of our situation no matter how much I think about it, or how much sleep I lose over the less-than-ideal options I see.
I trace my lower lip with my tongue before speaking. “I don”t want to let him get away, but it”s complicated.”
Katie raises her eyebrows. “Complicated how?”
I sigh and scan the pond, watching people play frisbee on the far side in the grass. “He’s my coworker. We work at the same firm. We”re both lawyers. His dad owns the place. He runs it now because his dad isn”t able and our relationship could jeopardize both our careers, our reputations, not to mention the firm’s reputation.”
No matter how I look at the situation, every outcome seems like some kind of disaster.
Katie clearly doesn”t see things the same way. “So what? You”re both adults. You”re both single. Other people need to mind their own business.”
That”s not the way any of this works. “It”s not that simple, Katie. It”s never that simple. There are consequences to everything, and I don”t want to risk losing him or my job or my self-respect.”
“I know,” she says, a false smile on her lips as she watches people go about their strolls in the sunshine. “It’s not fair, is it?”
Nope.
“You shouldn’t let fear hold you back. When you get one chance at life, don”t do things that you”ll regret.” I know she”s right, but the thing she doesn”t seem to see is that I”m not sure which decision will lead to the least regret. I’m going to have regrets no matter what I do.
“Are you settling in well to your new office?” I ask, needing to change the subject away from myself in Clifton.
Her animated expression tells me everything I need to know. I”m so proud of her for her promotion to head of her department. She”s worked hard for years, and she finally got where she wanted to be. I’m so happy for her.
“It’s amazing! I have a view of the city and everything!” She flashes me a sideways glance. “My offer for you to come work with me still stands, just so you know.”
I”m grateful as always for the offer, and this time I consider it.
It”s not that I don”t love my job. I do, and I love the firm that I work at. But if I left the firm, Clifton and I wouldn”t have to worry about office politics. We could stop hiding our relationship and wouldn”t face any potential backlash. We would be free to be ourselves and together.
But again, that leaves me wondering which decision I”d regret more, giving up my job working at the place I love or giving up the man I’m falling for. I’ve been losing sleep over this struggle.
Is being with Clifton without worries truly worth giving up my beloved job?