Chapter 19
NINETEEN
kendra
I wanted to say no to the dress.
Holy fuck, Givenchy.
Yeah, my exposure to labels was a pretty one-sided affair.
I scrolled through the internet and drooled.
But when Hawk tried on his tuxedo, I realized that, as his date, I needed to level up.
To be fair, I don’t think he even looked at the price tag and couldn’t care less if he just spent the equivalent of a month’s pay for my dress.
I had snapped a photo in the dressing room and shared it with Kylie.
Kylie: Buy that dress right now. I don’t care if you never eat again.
Me: Givenchy.
Kylie: Okay. Maybe rent it???
Me: No kidding.
And I left it at that. Kylie had her own shit to deal with; no use bringing up the situationship I had started with my boss. But I couldn’t help but smile at the photo of her and Luc with a snowman. Seemed like they had found their own bit of fun with the snow.
Hawk and I were at our third brewery, and if I wasn’t drunk while dress shopping, I had gone past the point of no return with the last 9.5% ABV IPA he thought I absolutely had to try.
While he made it crystal clear nothing would happen while we were drunk, I tried my best to make him regret it when he dropped me off at my apartment.
He walked me to the door, and the driver waited at the curb.
“Why don’t you send him away?” I asked, sidling to him as he carried my bags over the threshold.
“Not this time, Kenny.”
He groaned as I pulled him into me—I stumbled—my chin slamming into his chest. Not missing a beat, he caught me in his arms, steadied me, and put some distance between us. Nudging me towards my door, I watched him give the driver a sign that he’d be out in five minutes.
Fuck me. Instead of being sexy, I reminded him exactly why he wasn’t coming in tonight.
“Ugh. Okay. Kiss goodnight?”
And when he leaned in, I licked my lips, ready to push the envelope. Right before our lips met, he veered to the side and kissed my cheek.
“I sent you a meeting request. 8:00 am sharp. See you at the office.”
As soon as I shut the door, I yelled. “Oh, hello Lucifer. Get ready for a rough ride.”
His barking laugh was enough to get me through the task of unpacking from my week in the Caribbean.
Hawk: Drink some electrolytes.
Confused, I followed his directions and wondered how it was that Hawk managed to deny me, yet at the same time remind me that he was there for me. Since Tucker, it had been simpler if my relationships with men were sexual and without emotion. At every step, Hawk refused to let me set the direction.
After practically throwing myself at him, he left me high and dry.
And now I had no one to talk through the shitstorm that was running through my head.
I checked my therapist’s portal for an appointment this week.
We had scaled down to monthly, and I missed that standing appointment for Kelsey’s wedding.
Thank God, she had an opening on Wednesday.
I submitted the appointment request and tossed my phone onto my bed.
Ugh. Yeah, it wasn’t lost on me that I had very few friends, and the ones I did have weren’t close enough for me to talk to about anything that mattered.
Fuck, if I didn’t trust my own sisters with this shit, why would I bring someone into it that didn’t share blood with me?
I had been betrayed enough. And the boundaries of HIPAA were literally the only place I wanted to let out what was in my head and heart.
Me: I don’t know what to think of you.
Hawk: What does that mean?
Me: You don’t behave like a typical man.
Hawk: I consider that a compliment.
I still wasn’t sure if that was a compliment.
Was it because I had learned how to control my interactions with men to fit my own emotional boundaries?
I would never be completely free from what had happened with Tucker; I knew that it might haunt me for the rest of my life.
But I hated that it made me uneasy—or unwilling?
—to accept what Hawk offered. What exactly was he offering, anyway?
I knew how to fuck. And most men were okay with that.
Not Hawk.
I checked the socials and as expected, the Boston media practically salivated over signing Tucker Milligan as shortstop. So not only was I being forced to figure out what the hell was going on with Hawk, but I would be doing it with Tucker in my face every single day.