Chapter 31 Kendra
THIRTY-ONE
kendra
When I sank down on top of Jonathan, his eyes rolled back. I leaned forward, taking his mouth in mine. I had never been one for all this eye contact during sex, but I couldn’t look away.
His hands grasped my hips. “Have you got one more in you?”
Instead of answering, I rocked my hips, savoring the grunt that escaped his lips. “Always.”
I could get used to the way this man looked at me, and that fact should scare the hell out of me. When I came again, I found myself flipped on my back as he thrust inside, driving himself towards his own release.
He lay on top of me, catching his breath before going to the bathroom to get a towel.
“No towel by your bedside table?”
He looked sheepish. “I ran out. I’ve been going through a couple daily, and laundry is due tomorrow. How about batteries for Lucifer?”
“He’s rechargeable.”
Jonathan pulled the covers back and reached for his phone. “Gym tomorrow? What time do I need to set my alarm?”
“Rest day for me. Let’s sleep in. I need to be home by 7:00 am to get ready for work.”
He fiddled with his phone and crawled into bed next to me. Jonathan might be the only other person on the planet who thought 7:00 am was sleeping in. He tugged me close, and instead of relaxing, my mind jumped into action. Fuck you, anxiety.
I thought he was asleep, and jumped when he said, “What’s wrong, Kendra?”
“Sorry if I kept you up.”
“No need to apologize. Are you okay with everything that happened?”
I sighed. “I’m always okay with sex. It’s the rest of it that has me off balance.”
“Feelings.”
“Yeah. Feelings.”
“You can protect yourself if you don’t feel.” His answer was dead-on, and while that should have made me uneasy, but it was a reminder that he understood me.
“Just like you protect yourself by only having sex with feelings.”
“Do you need to take a step back?”
I tried to work through my thoughts before responding. But my heart lurched at the idea of stepping back. “I think I need to get out of my comfort zone. And part of what is confusing me is that I feel ready for it. But that doesn’t mean it’s not scary.”
We lay there quietly, and at some point we both eventually drifted off. When the alarm went off in the morning, I was surprised at how soundly I had slept.
“I can call a car for you, or we can both go to work together.”
“How about we wait for that until after we go to HR?” I asked.
“Good call.”
The rest of the week passed in a blur, and we barely had time to talk—not at work, not in the evening, either.
Jonathan had a last-minute trip planned to help close the deal on a pitching phenom who was expected to be ready as our new closer.
His parents, yes, he was barely out of high school, demanded that each of the final team owners meet with her.
She wanted to know that her son was signing with the team with the best culture.
Of course, Jonathan would be able to close that deal. Moms loved the man.
He seemed to have a playbook ready; this new pitcher would be the second kid we’d signed straight out of high school.
When Kylie called in distress on the night we were supposed to have a family dinner and launch her relationship with Luc, I ran to her. Fuck, I hated to see my sister in pain. Instead of showing up for dinner, Luc had broken up with her.
Jonathan: How was the family dinner?
Me: Your pitching coach broke my sister’s heart. Fire him, please.
Jonathan:…
Me: Sorry. That was said in anger. I know that team business and family business are separate. I just fucking hate him right now.
Jonathan: Does Kylie hate him?
Me: No, clearly she still loves him.
Jonathan: Then maybe they will work it out.
Me: Maybe.
Jonathan: Are you running with Kelsey tomorrow?
Me: Yes. And I can’t tell her about Luc…because of Sam.
Me: But I made a pact in therapy that I was going to pull the bandaid off and talk to her about my own shit.
Jonathan: I will be back midmorning. I’ll be there if you need me afterward.
Kelsey: Should we meet at the Public Garden?
Me: Sounds perfect. Our spot.
Kelsey: Great. See you by the ducks.
I was in the middle of my stretch when Kelsey arrived for our run. I let her lead the conversation for the first half of the run as she told me excitedly about their honeymoon.
“Is everything good with Kylie? I was surprised that she missed family dinner. Didn’t she plan it?”
“I think it was just work. But you can feel free to ask her if you think something is off.”
“She’s just been a bit distant lately. I know I’ve been absorbed with the wedding, so hopefully she’s not upset about that.”
We continued in silence, and I tried to think of the right way to tell her. Is there a right way?
“Fuck it. I’m just going to rip the band-aid off.”
Kelsey slowed down and stared at me. “What?”
“Do you remember when I withdrew from everyone in college?”
“Yes. Of course I do.”
“Well, I had been dating someone, remember?”
“I do. You were pretty excited about him, if I remember correctly.”
“Yeah, well at some point he started showing some red flags and I ended things with him.”
“What kind of red flags?”
Thank God we were running. Talking was so much easier when I didn’t have to look at my sister. “Controlling shit. He was constantly accusing me of cheating; he needed to know where I was at all times. He also hit me once.”
Kelsey’s sharp inhale let me know she was shocked, but didn’t interrupt me.
“I broke up with him right after he hit me. But you know what they say? The most dangerous time for a woman is the time right after they leave their abuser.”
We slowed to a stop, and Kelsey pulled me towards a quiet spot near the duck pond. I averted my eyes when I said the rest of it.
“He locked me in his room for a weekend and raped me repeatedly. Until he was “done” with me.”
“Ken—”
Fuck, my sister was crying. I didn’t want her to cry over me. “I got pregnant that weekend. You know that. And I also told you I had an abortion. But I didn’t. I miscarried.”
“Oh.”
“I wanted to end that pregnancy, and I tried to control the end of that pregnancy, because that was how I felt I could regain control over my life, and my body. And I’ve spent a ton of time in therapy trying to figure out why the fuck I couldn’t keep my mouth shut when you found out you were pregnant with Crew.
Maybe it was because I wanted you to be able to take control of your life?
Or maybe I was hurt, bitter, and in pain.
But, Kelsey, I have had so many nightmares about this, I wake up sweating and panicking, and so afraid that you listened to me.
And my God, if anything ever happened to that little boy, it would fucking kill me. ”
Kelsey pulled me into her arms, and we both sobbed until we were able to speak.
“He loves you, Ken.”
“I am so fucking thankful for that. There’s a little bit more, too.”
“Oh, God.”
“He’s the new shortstop.”
“Tucker Milligan?”
“Yes.”
“I have to tell Sam.”
“Do you, though?”
“You aren’t pressing charges?”
“I filed a rape kit. I always figured if he was ever accused of rape and there were a match, I would identify him then. So far, he’s clean. So it leads me to believe it might be an isolated incident.”
“And you haven’t told HR? Or ownership?”
“Well, I’m kind of sleeping with the owner, and there was a time and place for me to identify Tucker, and that ship already sailed.”
“Wait. Rewind.”
“To what part?” I laughed.
“Are you sleeping with Hawk Crosby?”
“We’re more than sleeping together.”
“Okay. And you haven’t told him that his shortstop raped you?”
“He knows about the assault, but not that it was Tucker.”
“Oh, Ken, this is going to go bad. I can feel it in my bones.”