Chapter 29
Imagining Stella wounded or sick makes my blood run cold. All I can think about is being there and protecting her.
These weeks have been hell. Not only missing her but the uncertainty of not knowing where she is. Trying to comfort Lorraine, while Felicia somehow keeps everything running.
And speaking of working, my entire team deserves a raise. I’ve tried to do some work from Carrollton, but my mind is all over the place. I can’t focus. All I can think about is her. And how much I miss her.
Josh has arranged transportation remarkably quickly. The plane was ready in Louisville as soon as we arrived, as well as an SUV waiting for us when we set foot on the tarmac at a small private airport west of Baton Rouge. The irony doesn’t escape me, as I cross a bridge over the Mississippi River to reach the hospital where she is.
It has been difficult getting information about my wife’s condition, so I decided that I would travel instead of waiting.
When I asked for her at the hospital’s reception, I realized that she registered with her married name, it’s legal in any case, making it easier for me to obtain information about her condition.
The first thing that crossed my mind when I found out that she’s here was to transfer her to a world-class hospital immediately. During the two-hour plane trip, I realized that there was no need. The hospital is first class, and hoping that it’s not anything serious, we will be home in a short time. Wherever she decides that is.
And hopefully together.
A nurse greets me with a smile as I approach the front desk to ask about Stella, and her doctor.
As expected, she asks for my identification and after confirming my identity, she types a few times on the computer informing me, “Your wife is stable, she came in dehydrated, but since she’s pregnant, the doctor decided she should stay a couple of days under observation.”
Wait a minute, what ?
Realizing I’ve been frozen, she clears her throat before continuing to speak. “I’m going to call Dr. Lemaitre. She’s finishing her rounds and will see you in a few minutes. Your wife is in the room at the end of the hall.”
I go to where she is while my head is spinning. I’m sure that the ground has shifted a few times.
I’m nervous, my heart beats fast at the thought of seeing her again and more when I know…
Jesus, Stella is pregnant.
Will she be excited by the news? What will her plans be?
Will she want to end it… Jeez, I can’t even think about that.
The door is open, but the privacy curtain is closed, so I take a peek around the corner.
“She’s resting,” says a blonde girl dressed in a pale pink uniform.
“Is she sedated?” I’m interested in having all the information I can before the doctor comes to talk to me.
“No, no, she’s just recovering.” With a smile she says goodbye and leaves me there with my sleeping beauty.
The blinds are closed, letting in very little light. Stella looks pale and haggard, almost as white as the sheet covering her. But her red lips keep calling to me like a siren’s song.
I lean over her and gently touch her mouth to mine.
“Lionel,” I hear her sigh my name, which reassures me somehow.
“Calm down, baby, you don’t have to wake up. Just rest, we’ll have time to talk later.”
I stroke her hair with my hand. She hasn’t opened her eyes, and although she unconsciously seeks my touch, she’s still sound asleep.
What have you been doing all this time, Hvězda?
It makes me feel more guilty that I wasn’t there to take care of her. For putting her in danger, for putting our baby in danger.
This is shit.
With my hands in the pockets of the pants I’m wearing, I look out the window, today it’s cloudy. As is our future.
About twenty minutes later, I’m on the sofa by the window when a middle-aged woman, dressed in a long white coat, enters the room and introduces herself as the doctor.
“How are they?” It’s the first thing I ask, and the only thing I care about knowing. My wife and future child’s wellbeing.
“Mrs. Kral came here suffering severe dehydration. We don’t have much information as the woman who came with her didn’t say much.”
Stella knows someone in this city, boy, that’s news to me. I’ll have to figure out who the woman is and talk to her.
“And the baby?”
The doctor smiles a little before answering. “We did an ultrasound before bringing your wife into the room. The baby is well implanted, at eight weeks it’s a good size, almost a quarter of an inch.”
God, I’m a man who lives between mathematical calculations and measurements, but at this moment, no matter how much I search my brain, I don’t get it.
The baby is fine. Eight weeks.
“It’s the size of a raspberry,” she ends, still smiling. I imagine she’s used to talking to first-time parents who don’t have a clue. “When your wife wakes up, we will know more. You can take it easy. We are taking good care of her.”
The truth is her words give me peace, although only partially. I’m still walking on a tightrope.
As I wait, the minutes pass slowly. I know Josh and his people are around, but I appreciate them not coming in, allowing us some privacy. Well, as much as we can have considering the nurses come to make their rounds regularly.
My mind wonders what it must have been like for her to know that I was in a bed similar to the one she’s in—having to face my mother, standing up for me but also for herself.
Every time I discover something new, I admire her even more. Love her more.
Now we’re having a baby. I should search Amazon for one of those books about What To Expect When You’re Expecting. What? I know a little about that, several women on my staff have children, and I don’t live under a rock.
At first it felt as if we were going in circles, but even though we seemed to be moving in the right direction, now something unexpected is thrown into our path.
I spend the night sitting next to her bed, holding her hand, trying not to wake her up. She must be exhausted after being on the move for weeks.
The race is over. The time to rest is here.
I’m the king of my jungle, and I’m here to defend my queen.
It’s early in the morning when I hear her call my name.
“Lionel?” she says in a sleepy and hoarse voice. “What are you doing here?”
I kiss her hand repeatedly before answering, I’m relieved to see her open her eyes, even though she’s staring at me with thunder in them. “I’ve been looking for you, Stella.”
“That doesn’t answer my question.” The light from a lamp on the side of the room fills her with a soft golden glow, her eyes sparkle, full of unshed tears. That breaks my heart. “Why did you come? You have no business here, and I have no idea who is trying to harm you. Now you can leave me alone.”
She ends this by raising her eyebrows, inviting me to oppose her.
“Listen, Stella, I know you heard what my mother and I…”
She raises one of her hands, I think she’s going to touch my face, but suddenly she stops herself.
“I want you to go, Lionel,” she tells me in a low but firm voice. Thick tears have already escaped from her eyes. “There is nothing between you and me, everything is a lie. And don’t tell me otherwise because it was your choice, you could have told me everything a thousand times, and you decided not to.”
I get up from my chair, needing a couple of seconds to compose myself and remember the speech I had so carefully prepared.
“I-I-I know, Hvězda , I know. I ask for your forgiveness, I was wrong, and I’m so sorry. I wish I could start all over again, but I can’t.”
She closes her eyes. Her lips quiver like her hands, which she has entwined on her chest.
“I’m not interested in hearing your excuses, Lionel, go or I’ll call the nurse so they can escort you out.” She says it in a low but firm voice, here is the strong woman I’ve learned to love and respect. “Go away!”
I clear my throat before speaking. “I’m going to leave the room because that’s what you want, but I’m not leaving. I won’t leave you alone, neither you nor our baby.”
More tears, this time she puts her hands to her face, trying to support herself.
“You don’t know that, you don’t know if it’s your baby or…”
Of course I know, why would she say otherwise?
“He was at my house. He had been waiting for me. I was drunk and broken. He found me in the bathroom and took me to the room. When I woke up hours later, naked in the bed.”
My hands are clenched into fists on either side of my body, motherfucker, I must find him and then make him pay me for what he’s done to her. But she has to know…
“Stella, you’re eight weeks pregnant, it’s not possible…”
Not caring about anything else, I sit next to her bed, wrapping her in my arms. She continues crying, her face buried in my neck, wetting my shirt. Let it all out, let go, I ’ m here with you. You will never be alone again, my heart is your home. I tell her as I run my hands down her back, comforting her. Telling her with my body what I know now I should tell her with more than just words.
“It doesn’t matter when it happened,” she murmurs when her crying has subsided. “What he did…”
I’m going to kill him, but first I’m going to cut his balls off and make him swallow them. Slowly and painfully.
“Listen, you and I, we are a family. And families face everything together.”
That makes her cry harder.
“And if it turns out that…”
Her body shudders, but I hold firm. I’m her rock. She can rest on me.
“That doesn’t change anything. The baby is yours, and you are mine. You know I would love him or her regardless. I know you know.” Growing up in the system, I know what it’s like to feel rejected. I wouldn’t do that to a child, much less to Stella’s kid. In my mind and my heart, it would be mine.
“You can let me go now.”
She pushes me with her hands, trying to put some distance between us.
“Never,” I reply, pressing her closer to my chest, but she struggles to free herself from my grip.
“I want you to go,” she says quietly but firmly. “I told you when you were in the hospital, I’ll sign anything for you. Just go away.”
She doesn’t have to sign anything because it won’t be necessary. We haven’t said everything that needs to be said.
“Look, Stella, the first time I saw you, I didn’t know you or your intentions. The only thing I knew was that you were a stranger claiming to be my wife.”
We have to put some space between us to have this conversation, so I reluctantly let her go. She has her hands clasped on her lap and her eyes fixed on them.
“That night, after you went to sleep at the hotel, Ethan and I made a plan. He told me everything you had done, so I agreed. He trusts Alexandra’s intuition with people, and I trust him. We both knew you were the key in all this mess. I knew you weren’t involved, but…” I pause because I need a couple of seconds to collect myself because I’m about to stutter, I see her cringe, as my lack of words is hurting her. “But more than that, I wanted to know you better because I saw something in you, something that called me to protect you. This instinct, almost like a reflex…”
“None of that was enough for you to tell me the truth, though was it?” Her words have the force of a whip, like I can actually feel them. Abrasive, like a burn on my back.
“We needed time, you know that.”
“Time for you to feed me lies,” she accuses, staring at me, the pain reflected in those infinite blue eyes that knock me out straight onto the canvas. “While I unknowingly fell in love with a new man. Now, I realize that although the other Lionel and you are different people, you have something in common. Neither one is real.”
I open my mouth to speak, but again she raises her hand to stop my words. Of course, I’m real, what we lived was real, everything we said to each other was real.
She poured her heart out there. And so did I.
“That doesn’t matter. Nothing matters anymore. Go away, Lionel.”
Her decision is made.
“Okay,” I reply, getting up from the bed. “You need space to rest and recover. I’ll be in the hall, for whenever you are ready to talk.”
Before leaving through the door and exiting the room, I hear her let out an exasperated sigh.
Yes, this time the roles have been reversed. It is time to fight for what I want.
And what I want is her.
And I’m not going to give up so easily.
???
“I suppose you’re Lionel,” says a woman in a rather demure gray dress and sensible shoes.
I look at her from my place on the floor. I’ve been reading the electronic version of that famous book about pregnancies since Stella kicked me out of the room. Sometimes I get up and walk around the hallways, earning side glances from the staff. But mostly here on the floor, giving her room to think, but never too far. My place is by her side.
I get up to say hello. “Indeed, I’m Lionel Kral, but I’m at a disadvantage, you are…”
“Sister June,” she replies, narrowing her eyes, very obviously looking me up and down. “Stella has been with me.”
I let out a sigh of pure relief. At least now I know that Stella wasn’t alone.
“What happened? Why did she end up here in the hospital?”
She takes a deep breath and shakes her head before answering. “That girl is stubborn as a mule. She kept insisting that it was just a bug that she might have caught from all the stress, but I suspected it was something different. I insisted for days that she needed to see a doctor, but my words were said in vain. This weekend, she was home alone as I attended a retreat that we have long planned in the community. When we arrived, we found her passed out in the bathroom.”
I run a hand through my hair, feeling exasperated. Stella can be very hardheaded when she wants to be.
“Thank God, I arrived on time,” Sister June adds.
“Has she been feeling sick for a long time?”
She nods her head. “Since she arrived, she said it was difficult to hide it from you when she was in Los Angeles.”
Dammit. And I was too busy doing other things, between waking up early to get some exercise and being able to eat breakfast with her before I went to work.
Why the hell wasn ’ t I paying more attention? Guilt hits me like a speeding train.
“How did you find her?” she asks me, this time raising her eyebrows.
“I had been looking for her since she left our house in Los Angeles. It’s difficult to trace someone who doesn’t use phones or credit cards. But as soon as she was admitted, we got the alert.”
She looks at me for a few seconds in silence, her gray eyes fixed on mine. Sister June would be a fantastic schoolteacher, even at thirty-four, she has me as nervous as a naughty child.
“What is your agenda now, Lionel Kral. What are you planning?”
Wow, I didn’t expect her to be so direct, so I do the same.
“Kneel in front of her and beg, after that, to go home with my wife. We have a baby on the way.”
Her eyes soften a little, although her expression is still severe. “Are you going to take good care of them both?”
I don’t think about it much. It comes straight from the bottom of my heart. “That’s my plan.”
This time I’m rewarded with a bright smile. “I’m starting to like you, just a little.”
“My first victory of the day.” Hope takes over my chest as my lips pull up.
As the hours go by, I do what I can without moving from my vantage point in the hallway. At noon, and after consulting with her doctor, I ordered food for both of us. I enter the room carrying a tray in my hands, earning myself a disapproving look, but I’ve seen that her lips have curled up a bit.
Speaking of small victories.
“I’m going to eat in the hallway. Bon appétit , Hvězda .”
At about four in the afternoon, I go back inside her room. This time ready to stay with her for a while, reading the book I got from the hospital gift shop when I went to buy the sunflowers I brought her.
“What are you doing?” she asks me when I sit on the couch casually and occupy myself with reading.
“Reading,” I reply without taking my eyes off the book.
Stella lets out an exasperated sigh, but I swear she’s smiled again.
I’m good because I have plans for tonight.
As I read, I look at her from the corner of my eye. She’s sitting on the bed, dressed in the hospital gown and her hair tied up in a braid that she likes so much. She looks beautiful, slimmer, but she’s still the most beautiful woman in the world in my eyes.
At around seven, the boy who was sent by the restaurant enters, bringing our dinner. Stella looks at me with wide eyes.
“What? We need to eat.”
“Lionel, I don’t feel like talking…”
“Very well, but first you will listen to me, then you can decide… while I will do my best to respect your wishes. But no matter what, I’ll always take care of you, Stella, of you and the baby.”
Her eyes fill with tears, mine too. I have a hard time not getting up from the sofa to hug her, beg her to give me another chance, and promise that I won’t waste it. That we’ll be fine.
Both of us. No, that’s not true. We will be three.
“ Hvězda , the night of the party, when you disappeared, I was thinking of asking you to marry me, this time for real. I had arranged to go to Catalina Island the next morning. I wanted us to be in a quiet environment, away from home, when I told you the truth. I never had a chance to do it. You ran away without talking to me.”
She looks at me, and for a moment, I see the anger shine in those beautiful eyes, the color of the sky.
“Stella, problems don’t solve themselves. You can’t run away. You have to fight, or how are we going to move forward?”
I take a bite of the grilled chicken breast in front of me while she does the same. That gives us a little time to think.
“Stella, we have to face whatever comes our way as a united front…” I insist on the same thing. I know that she also believes it. She repeated it to me several times when I took her home for the first time.
“Your mother was very persuasive,” she finally says, after taking a sip of the apple juice. “And she hates me.”
The way she said it makes me smile. The two women in my life at war with each other, I know my mother has her heart in the right place, however, that’s no excuse for meddling in my private affairs.
“My mother is used to getting her way, sooner or later, she’s going to give in. And she’s crazy about having a grandkid. Ever since I graduated from college, she’s been insisting on that. So I warn you, if it’s a girl, I doubt we will be able to get her out of the house.”
Stella makes a gesture with her lips, in response I smile, feeling increasingly optimistic.
“It will have to be a boy then.”
That makes my smile wider, she’s making plans for our future, even without realizing it.
We finish eating while we continue talking. I get rid of the dishes and go back to my reading. A nurse comes to check on Stella before sleeping. I settle on the sofa as well as I can. When I’m about to close my eyes, I hear her whisper, “Tonight the Mississippi between us is wider than ever.”
But what she doesn’t realize we are both on the same side of the river.
Both physically and metaphorically.
???
Despite being in the hospital, the heavy burden on my chest has been lifted. I put my heart at her feet. N ow our future is in her hands.
I want Stella to be free. And with that same freedom she has to choose to love me. Live with me, fight with me, and grow old with me.
As the doctor gives her a final check before discharging her, my hands sweat.
Last night before bed, I asked Stella what she wanted to do—stay here in Baton Rouge with Sister June, go back to Los Angeles with me, or to Carrollton with her mother. She told me she would think about it. We are just a few minutes away and the words that I so long for—and fear—are about to come out of her mouth.
Sister June is here too, discreetly hovering down the hall, chatting with the nurses, surely trying to convince them to attend mass next Sunday at her church.
“Did you decide what you want to do?” I do my best to stop my voice from trembling. How I was able to avoid stuttering is a real miracle.
“Yes,” she says, her voice is firm, although she doesn’t look me in the eye. “I want to go to Carrollton, Lionel.”
And my stomach falls to my feet. That can’t be. She doesn’t want to be with me.
What the hell am I going to do now?
Then I see a small smile pulling up those sweet lips. “And I want you to come with me.”
Inside I’m doing a victory dance, but outside I’m erasing the space that separates us, taking her face in my hands and giving her a soft kiss on the lips.
“Your wish is my command, Hvězda .”