Chapter 20
Chapter Twenty
Jax
Amends
All afternoon I fight the urge to call or text Shawn and struggle to keep my mind on my work. He won’t want to talk yet, and if I pressure him, all that’ll do is aggravate him and make the situation worse.
I make it through the day and leave a few minutes early to stop by the store. I’m a good cook and enjoy it—usually with Shawn—and want to make him something special. Something I haven’t cooked in a while.
I buy all the fixings for veal piccata, a salad, veggies, and a fresh baguette from the bakery. I also pick up a dozen of their glazed donuts because he loves them. And a bottle of his favorite wine, even though it’s not my jam.
When I get home, I carry everything inside and find him vacuuming the living room. I set my purchases on the kitchen counter, and Shawn switches the vacuum off when I walk over, staring at me.
Waiting.
I meet his gaze, trying to organize my thoughts before I open my arms. “I’m sorry, baby. You’re right—I’m scared. I do want pups.”
He doesn’t immediately come to me. “How long will you make me wait, Jax? If you don’t want to try, tell me.
I’ve been patient, but I can’t be jerked around for the rest of my life.
If you can’t commit to trying, let’s agree the subject’s settled and permanently closed.
I cannot keep getting my hopes dashed because of your insecurities. ”
Shame fills me because he’s absolutely right. “Your next heat is due, what, in the next month or two, right?” He nods. “Okay. Let’s get through this initiation—if it even happens—and your next heat. And then no more delays.”
I haaate that he looks doubtful, like he doesn’t want to believe me.
Like I might rip the carpet out from under him again. “Really?”
“Really. If it wasn’t for this pup—and I won’t arbitrarily send him away just so we can try for a baby—we’d start trying this time. If somehow his situation is completely settled before your next heat? Then yes, we will try.”
Shawn crosses his arms over his chest, and I finally lower mine because it’s obvious he’s not ready for a hug.
“Explain your logic,” he says. “And why I should believe there won’t be another delay?”
“Because you deserve one hundred percent of my attention once we start trying. And yes, I know it will probably take a while before you catch.”
He shifts from one foot to the other, one of his tells that, despite his stony expression, he’s starting to open up.
“We already know it probably won’t,” he says.
“Happen the first time, I mean. Not with me being a coyote. Dr. Williams said she’s willing to try IVF.
We can stockpile semen between heats to help our chances. ”
I nod. “Okay, then. Even better to make the heat after this one our ‘official’ starting point, right? I’ll call the doc next week and find out what she needs me to do.”
His expression softens. “Really?”
“Really. And I mean it—I’m sorry. You’re right. I wasn’t thinking about our age difference. You’ve always been so…chill about it. And I get that everyone thinks I’ll be mega-dad or something, but it doesn’t change how I feel about myself. I have massive paw prints to fill and it’s daunting.”
Shawn takes a step toward me. “I want a baby, but only if you want one, too. The indecision’s killing me, Jax.
You always said you wanted one, and then did the exact opposite.
If it’s yes, let’s stop wasting time. If it’s no, I can live with that, but I need the truth.
I need a decision. And I need it now, tonight. Make or break time.”
“I do want kids.” And I mean it. I really, really do. “You sure I won’t fuck them up?”
He finally snorts. “We’ll probably fuck them up in various but not necessarily harmful ways. I’m shocked you weren’t permanently scarred by family karaoke nights. Pavin can’t carry a tune with a front-end loader.”
He’s right. Dad is talented in many areas, but singing is not one of them.
That doesn’t stop him from wholeheartedly enjoying it anyway, much to the discomfort of everyone else.
I open my arms again and this time Shawn steps into my embrace, wrapping his arms around me. “I love you, baby.”
“Love you, too. Asshole.” He kisses me and I feel blessed I’ve been forgiven.
“I deserve that.” I stare into his eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t handle it tactfully last night. And I’m sorry I blew your headspace.”
He tips his chin a little. “You should probably blow something else to make up for it.”
And like that he’s laughing as I scoop him up and dump him on the couch, quickly drag his shorts and briefs off, and swallow his cock to the root.
His laughter turns to happy moans. His fingers thread through my hair, holding on as I waste no time getting him off, staring up at him as I swallow every drop I suck from him.
And then I rest my chin on his thigh and smile. “Like that?”
Another laugh out of him. “That’s a good start, sir.”
Whew. I’ve been forgiven. Unlike some Alphas, I don’t have or enforce protocols with him.
He’s a person, not a possession. I might be the dominant partner, but he “owns” me as much as I own him.
And if he’s upset he only calls me “sir” in a sarcastic way, or if he needs to because of pack protocols and he doesn’t want people knowing we’re fighting.
“I love you, baby,” I say.
Shawn strokes my hair. His smile looks easy, sated. “Love you, too. Will those groceries go bad on the counter?”
I sit up. “Oh, shit!”
He sits up with me but grabs me, pulling me in for another kiss, his hand palming the front of my shorts. “Want me to take care of that?”
I grab his hand, bring it to my lips, and kiss his palm. “After dinner, baby.” I rest my forehead against his. “I promised to cook you a nice dinner. And then we can start practicing.”
This smile is wide, happy, and fills me with sweet relief. “I’d love that, sir.”