Chapter 91
P erhaps the greatest feeling when I woke up the next morning was the realization that I had made the right choice with Sarah.
I had no regrets about passing up sex. In fact, I felt proud of myself.
I felt like I had done something last night that I had never done before, which was stop myself at the moment I would have lost my mind before, said “fuck it, figure it out later,” and then had consequences blow up in my face. I was a man who could say no.
And now, I could say yes to Layla.
But she had to say yes to me.
I fumbled for my phone as soon as my eyes fluttered awake, grasping for it on the table by my bed. I saw that I had three texts—one from Mom, one from Sarah, and one from Layla.
I looked at the message from Mom first. She was going to be over to my place in about two hours to take me to Rhode Island. I wrote back and said that sounded great.
The second came from Sarah, and it was sweet how genuine it was.
“Hey, had a great time hanging out last night! Just wanted you to know I still like you and you’re still a great friend to me. I know you have some things to work out and I hope they work in your favor. I’ll be back in the summer :-)”
I could only wish that I handled failure and rejection as well as Sarah did. I couldn’t think of a situation more potentially embarrassing than what I had put her through, and yet she handled it quite well and was able to take it in stride. I thanked her profusely and told her to never be afraid.
The last text was the one that I dreaded the most. I had seen snippets of it going through the others, but I held off on reading the full thing. When I saw it, I wasn’t surprised, but it still crushed me.
“I accepted the job. I’m leaving for Chicago on Friday. Already gotten a truck and got movers. You’re welcome to come and see me anytime before then, but we’re just going to be friends.”
No. No. Maybe you believe that right now, Layla, but I know how you feel about me. This isn’t over. I just need to prove my commitment to you—not just say it.
I know.
I tore out of bed, throwing my clothes on, again skipping breakfast—it was a meal I was getting pretty good at skipping.
I called for an Uber before I had even done my morning piss, and it arrived before I’d even left my apartment.
Fuck if I cared about a waiting fee; I needed a vehicle there to take me over to her place as quickly as I could.
When I got in the Uber, I didn’t even know what I was going to do or say. I just knew I had to see her now; I had to prove how seriously I took her. But as the drive progressed, I knew what I had to tell her.
The truth.
No matter how fucking painful it would be, no matter how much it would hurt to share with her, I knew I had to share what had happened last night.
Yes, the buildup would suck and be awkward, but when she heard that I had rejected Sarah…
I mean, what could more strongly say I was all-in on Layla than that?
I texted her and told her I would be at her place in just a few minutes.
I only realized then I probably should have given her more advanced warning that I was coming than I had, but it was too late now.
If she wanted to wait, I’d find a nearby coffee shop until she was ready. If that took until the evening, fine.
I knew this behavior was acting like a little kid. It was acting like the high schooler who swore that he would do whatever it took. The difference was that now, I had the means to actually follow through—with Edwin’s money—and I actually did love Layla.
Maybe I had been afraid to say it before, and maybe I had said it in an orgasmic rush when we first met, but all of the experiences we’d had, all of the dark trials, all of the ways we’d helped each other—that was love.
Thankfully, Layla agreed to let me up just a minute before the Uber arrived. It parked, I tore out, and I headed straight for the elevators.
I then realized it was a good thing I hadn’t had sex for an entirely different reason than staying good to Layla—I hadn’t showered since before my date with Sarah. Had I had sex, I would have reeked of it within seconds, and that really would have shut the door on it all.
Layla’s door was slightly open when I knocked and stepped inside. It was sobering and startling to see that she already had many boxes laid out, full of her belongings.
“Hey,” she said softly.
“Hey,” I said. “So… this is real, huh?”
“Yeah,” she mumbled. “I have to, Chance. I’m sorry.”
I bit my lip for a second before I decided I had to fight. At least it was something I was good at; at least I knew how to fight well.
“Layla, I know you’re already in the process of packing up and you’ve probably already told these guys you’re going there, but just, let me tell you what happened last night,” I said.
This is a big fucking risk you’re taking. You better hope she admires your honesty.
“I went out with Sarah. It was a moment of weakness. I almost fell for it and slept with her. But, but! I didn’t.
I stopped her from sleeping with me. You know why, Layla?
It’s because if I slept with her, I knew I’d never be able to look you in the eyes.
You said it yourself. You didn’t want to worry about Sarah being the girl I’d go running to when things went bad.
And I did, at first, yes, but right when I could have gone all the way, I didn’t. ”
I moved forward and put my hands on Layla’s shoulders.
“And that’s because I love you, Layla,” I said.
“I know I was weak this weekend. I know I will have moments in the future in which I am weak. But I care for you and love you. I realized this last night to the highest level, and I’ll do whatever you need me to do to be the best man possible.
Please give me that opportunity, Layla. Please recognize how much you mean to me. Please.”
Layla bit her lip and looked down.
“That’s very sweet, Chance, and I have to admit, I figured you’d go to her as soon as I sent you away,” she said. “But I believe you when you say you didn’t sleep with her.”
“You have good reason to,” I said.
But Layla’s face didn’t improve.
“This was the Chance that I wanted to see yesterday morning,” she said. “The one who was sweet, charming, and romantic. Not impulsive and combative. This was the one that could have made me say yes. But Chance…”
And then she said the four words that shattered me.
“It’s too late now.”
I came all the way here on a moment’s notice to try and make things better. I passed up sex with the girl of my dreams so I could look her in the eye. I fought like hell to atone for my mistakes.
But sometimes, life just doesn’t work out.
“I’m sorry, Chance, I really am,” she said. “But I can’t renege on this commitment. It’s for a major position, and I gave my word I’d come. They have me starting on Monday—they’re desperate. It would destroy my reputation, which is already somewhat precarious because I left my uncle’s company.”
“I understand,” I said, even though I didn’t.
I did understand her rationale. I just didn’t understand how… how I could have given it all, how I could have done everything I could have to make it work, and it didn’t.
Layla and I had gone through so much… but she was moving. Nothing was going to change that.
“I should go,” I said.
“We can stay friends if you want,” Layla said.
“I’ll think on it,” I said.
I wanted her in my life. As friends might have been too cruel, too much of a reminder of what could have been, but it would at least keep her around. But I didn’t want to say anything right now that could have caused trouble or felt like a broken promise later.
“Bye, Layla,” I said as I meekly walked out of her apartment and shut the door behind me.