Chapter 63
CHAPTER 63
Ezryn
A spark ignites within the kindling as I strike the flint against my dagger. Carefully blowing on the embers, I stoke the fire to life, feeding it dry grass until it stands on its own. I sit back on my heels and blow into my hands. Though the days in the desert burn so hot the sand is scorching to the touch, the nights carry a chill.
The sun hasn’t fully set yet; dusky light paints the horizon in brilliant orange. Luckily, the night after the harpy attack passed without incident. The princesses, despite their occasional whining, have kept a good pace. Though, I noticed Eleanor ceased her endless questions, and Delphia no longer ran ahead of us. We grow up in the wilds , I think. It’s the necessity of nature.
The thought sounds exactly like something my father would say. The hardened—at times brutal—belief that any hardship is an honor as long as we have the strength to survive it. It’s how Kairyn and I were raised.
Until we return to Hadria, the girls are my responsibility. Is this how I want to treat them? Like soldiers?
Tonight, we were lucky to have come across a small oasis tucked into the dunes. I’ve made our fire among the palm trees, using their fronds and bark as tinder. Bushes and patches of greenery remind me there is still some life in this barren place. A pool of water provided much needed relief from our filthy clothes. I’d scrubbed my hands until they were raw, finally ridding myself of the harpy blood which had dried and soured on my skin. Unfortunately, even after scrubbing it in the pool, Delphia’s blade seems permanently stained with harpy blood.
The girls are on the other side of the pool, taking turns holding a large palm frond up to the foal we found in the harpy nest. The little beast chomps greedily and flaps its wings in delight. Another mouth to feed with four wobbly legs was exactly the last thing we needed, but I couldn’t leave the Pegasus up there. Not with the small shimmer of hope it had ignited in the girls’ eyes. Besides, it reminded me of a lesson my mother once told me long ago.
We don’t know best when it comes to nature’s will, Ezryn. Would you tell the grass how to grow or a bird how to fly? Would you try to show a deer how to run or the sun how to shine? Nature knows best. But if you’re a patient enough listener, she might teach you.
I had wanted to keep heading north, but the foal—Drusilla, they’d dubbed her—had whinnied and pulled until we followed her westward. Sure enough, the sand turned to red clay beneath our feet. Peering past the descending sun, I can see steep rock canyons in the distance. Is that where you’re hiding, Huntresses?
The girls start to make their way back from the pool, leading Drusilla with another palm frond. I need to get them settled in their bedrolls before the sun dips. Last night, we’d been fortunate enough to find an abandoned cave in an outcrop of rock. With only one entrance, it was simple enough to guard. I’d tucked the girls at the very back of the cave with a fire, then followed the short path to the front where I’d stayed awake, watching all night. Every muscle in my body was tense with apprehension—I kept expecting something to creep out of the shadows and barge past me, heading straight for the girls. At the same time, I was afraid one of them would wake up and come and check on me. Instead of the man, they’d find my wolf.
I know they’re both aware of the Enchantress’s curse; their brothers have informed them. But I don’t want them to see the monster I become each sundown.
I’ve already scared them enough.
A knot tightens in my chest, and the twig I’m holding snaps. I can’t rid the image from my mind: their faces, splattered with blood as I drew my blade down on the harpy again and again and again. I told Dayton I would protect them, and I did. But at what cost?
I take a shaky breath. Ezryn hasn’t been able to keep anyone safe; only the Prince of Blood can.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Delphia snarls, slumping down by the fire, her back leaning against the felled trunk of a palm tree.
“I’m not stating opinion. These are facts and as much as you love to pretend your opinions are facts, they’re scientifically inaccurate,” Eleanor says in her usual dry tone, sitting against the other side of the trunk. Drusilla gives a concerned whinny and lies down across the fire from them.
“Well, your facts are stupid,” Delphia says.
“Good one,” Eleanor snorts.
I dust off the charcoal from my hands and sit between them, leaning back against the tree. “What are we fighting about this time?”
Delphia looks away from me, crossing her arms. I notice there’s a shimmer in her brown eyes.
“Delphia?” I ask softly.
“Nori says Hadria is lost,” Delphia says. “Doesn’t matter if we find the Huntresses or not, we won’t be able to stop the Green Rule and they’re going to come for Coppershire next. She says none of us are ever going to go home again.”
“It’s a conclusion based on a series of facts. I believe in being prepared,” Eleanor mumbles. She digs in her pack and pulls out a string and an assortment of tiny animal skulls. I’ve noticed her scooping them up anytime we passed skeletons picked clean. She starts to thread the skulls onto the string.
I look between them, at the defeat on Eleanor’s face, the dying hope in Delphia’s eyes. Do I treat them as soldiers and prepare them for the realities of war?
My thoughts shift to Rosalina. The Prince of Blood couldn’t save her. What kept her going, what’s always kept her going, is her invincible tenacity. Her ability to seek out the single flash of light in a pitch-black sky. What would she say to these two?
I nudge Delphia then Eleanor. “Listen, I know how it feels when you’re faced with an enemy that seems so much stronger than you. Every step feels insurmountable. But the fight doesn’t stop as long as you keep rising. Let them knock you down again and again. You just make sure you get up.” I look between them. “Defeat is the hearth that forges resilience. You’ll see your homes again, and you’ll be all the stronger for it.”
The girls look past me at each other, speaking in that silent language I don’t understand. Then Delphia blinks up at me. “Do you really believe that?”
I believe in Rosalina, and she believes that. “Of course.”
“But you were banished from your home. Do you think you’ll see it again?”
I suck in a breath. Long have I mourned the verdant smell of Florendel, the roar of the waterfall down the mountain, the clatter of steel in the air. No, I don’t think I’ll ever return to Florendel.
More than that, my other home was taken. Never again can I set foot in Castletree, not while Kairyn remains High Prince.
I have no home. A prince, now an orphan. A vagabond. Homeless and unmoored, a seed adrift with no place to plant myself—
Plant yourself in me. I will keep you safe.
I close my eyes, Rosalina’s voice drifting through my mind. When I’d held her in my arms, it didn’t matter that we were aboard a ship, sailing across unknown seas. Her heart is my home.
I look up at the sky, bejeweled with stars. “Home is more than the roads you’ve walked before or the walls that once sheltered you. You will find it within the bonds you’ve forged and the love you’ve shared. That is something that can never be taken from you.” I hold each of their gazes in turn. “You two are a home for each other. You will protect and shelter each other. Do you hear me?”
“Yes,” Delphia whispers and looks over at Eleanor. The Autumn princess nods.
“I’m here to protect you too,” I tell them. “I’m not going to let anything happen to you, all right?”
Again, they look at each other in silent conversation. My stomach turns as I see the flash of trepidation in their eyes.
They’re so innocent, these two, and yet both have faced so much. So much loss, so much war. They don’t deserve to live in such fear. Rosalina ordered me to accompany them because she thought I could protect them. But have I not only added to their ordeals? I was no hero rescuing them yesterday, but a monster in my own right. I can still feel the power coursing through my veins with each killing blow.
Is there another path for me? One not drenched in blood?
“I-I’m sorry if I frightened you yesterday,” I manage. “Your brothers are two of the most important people in my life. I have to do right by them, and when that creature—” I cut off, and realize my hands are shaking. I did what I had to do to protect them. Why do I feel such shame?
There’s a light touch on my arm, and I look down to see Delphia’s hand. “It’s okay. I’m not afraid of you,” she says.
“Me neither,” Eleanor says. She grabs my hand and pulls it into her lap, then ties a string around my wrist. I realize it’s a bracelet she’s made, decorated with little animal skulls. I hold it up to the firelight.
“My brother’s mate says you’ve done a lot of bad stuff,” Delphia continues. “I don’t believe her, but even if you have, it’s okay. My brother’s done a lot of bad stuff too.”
“Mine too. A lot of people blamed him when the Scriptorium burned down,” Eleanor says. “Sometimes, I blame him for making Mom so sad those last few years. She tried to hide it, but I wonder if he came home more, if she would have been happier, you know?”
Delphia looks into the fire. “Yeah, I know what you mean. I feel angry at Dayton sometimes. He lives in Castletree, and I live in Soltide. He’s got all of his friends there, and I’ve got no one. Not a mom or a dad or any siblings. I mean, there’s my teachers and the council, but once all the decisions are made, there’s no one to sit with me in my room.” She looks up, and I notice her fighting back her tears with a smile. “At least, until Nori came.”
Words feel stuck in my throat. We princes have done so wrong by those who love us most. When our families needed us, we hid away. By every right, Delphia and Eleanor should hate their brothers. “How did you find forgiveness for them?” I ask quietly.
Firelight reflects in Delphia’s eyes. “Nobody taught me how to be steward. I felt scared so much of the time. Scared I was going to make a wrong decision. Scared I was going to hurt the people counting on me. Sometimes, it made me feel so overwhelmed, I couldn’t do anything. I would think and think and think, and I’d get all these ideas and intentions. It was just too much. So, a while ago, I decided that all I needed was one good reason. Every time I had to make a decision, I just needed to find one good reason to do something,” she says. “I used to go around and around in my head. Should I stay mad at Dayton forever? But I had one good reason not to.” A small smile tugs at her lips. “I love him.”
I stare down at her. Silence passes through the oasis, the only sound the crackling fire.
Was there ever any love between Kairyn and me?
“Maybe if you’re feeling scared like you were with the harpies,” Delphia says, “you could find it helpful just to find one good reason. You know, like you don’t have to fight them because you’re scared, and you hate them, and you’re angry all at the same time. Just pick one reason to stand up to someone and go with that.”
“That’s good advice,” I concede. A sense of peace whispers through the oasis. We sit in easy silence, watching the fire, as I contemplate Delphia’s words. One good reason .
Rosalina should have been the only reason I needed not to chase after my brother during our fight in the Hall of Vernalion. The frenzied rage that had overtaken me had been like a living entity in my chest. I’d felt it again in the harpy nest.
There must be another way to protect those I love. A way that doesn’t result in me losing myself in the manner I’ve done before.
I wish I could stay here for longer, but the line of the horizon is bright orange, and any minute the sun will slip away. “All right, girls, time for bed. Get out your bedrolls.”
“Aren’t you going to sleep by the fire?” Eleanor asks as I stand up and walk away.
“No, I’m going to be on watch at the edge of the oasis. Don’t worry. I’ll look out for you.”
The girls exchange a look again, but I turn away. On the other side of the oasis, behind a bush, I shed my clothing, carefully tuck my new bracelet away, and wait for the last rays of sun to fade.
The beast seizes my body, erupting out of me with thick black fur and sharp claws. I shake, the bones matted in my fur rattling together.
I pad out from behind the bush, readying to patrol the edges of the oasis.
“Whoa!”
“He’s HUGE.”
Jumping back, I’m faced with the two gaping faces of Delphia and Eleanor.
“What are you doing here?” I growl. “I told you to stay by the fire!”
I step back, trying to shrink into the darkness. I don’t want them to see the glint of my fangs or the moss that grows through my fur. I don’t want them to look upon this monster that’s supposed to protect them.
“This is so fascinating,” Eleanor says, stepping closer and touching one of the bird skulls tangled in my fur.
“Sharp!” Delphia squeals, grabbing my lip and examining my teeth.
“Hey.” I growl again, backing up, but the girls keep approaching.
“Look how pretty his tail is!”
“You really are big enough, we could both ride you. Then we wouldn’t have to walk.”
“All right, all right.” I nudge their backs with my snout. “To the fire.”
The girls trudge dutifully back toward their bedrolls. Drusilla is fast asleep, legs in the air and wings splayed.
“Now stay,” I tell them and start to turn away.
I feel a small hand on my back, fingers running through my fur. “You’re so warm,” Delphia says. “I thought you’d be cold, but you’re warm.”
Eleanor places her hand beside Delphia’s. “And soft, too.”
They’re not afraid , I think. Even when faced with the most horrifying parts of me. A strange sensation thrums in my chest. Or am I not as frightening as I’ve always thought?
With a sigh, I turn back to the fire and thud down, sending up a cloud of dust. “I can keep watch from here, if you prefer.”
They nod and walk back to their bedrolls.
I curl in on myself and close my eyes, just for a moment. Just for a moment to feel the warmth of the fire.
Two shapes lean against me. I crack an eye open to see Delphie and Nori snuggled together, pressed against my side, no mind to my fangs or claws or matted fur. I still, not even daring to take a breath.
There were a thousand reasons I shouldn’t have agreed to this mission.
But there are two damned good reasons to stay.