Chapter 19
Things seemed to be back on track. Or heading that way. Although, God knew why, my life seemed addicted to uncertainty. Knowing that wasn’t entirely bad. At least I was always alert.
An anomaly, maybe? It didn’t matter. I knew it wasn’t normal, and I liked that. Everything too perfect was for good girls who dreamed of castles and Prince Charming on a white horse. That dream I had once had in childhood had been erased from my life long before I left Italy, or so I thought.
What a mistake!
The dream had only changed into a darker, more dangerous version, one that fit the bad girl I really was.
Instead of a castle surrounded by royal guards, I had a mansion surrounded by layers of brute force in the form of men armed to the teeth, who could send any wise guy running without moving a single muscle.
The sentinels had cutting-edge electronic eyes.
And my prince wasn’t all that good, and he definitely didn’t come riding in on a white horse to save me.
He was a more masculine, hotter, more threatening version of one.
A prince whose soundtrack was heavy metal instead of Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony.
Who spanked the princess’s ass and made it ache for pleasure.
Who whispered hot, wicked things in her ear and preferred to fuck in daylight instead of the darkness of night.
Who shouted when he was pissed as hell and was arrogant as sin.
He didn’t ask or court. He ordered and took what he wanted.
My prince had a strong tendency toward bad things. And in his spare time, he also took down a few monsters. Not the dragons with furnaces in their mouths, but scum.
Honestly, this version sounded excellent to me.
But even though I loved my own version of a fairy tale, I had been living in conflict with it ever since Thor told me about the job.
I didn’t question him about it anymore. However, I couldn’t help being in a constant state of worry when he was out, despite knowing that he was prepared and would keep his word to come back to me alive.
It was an involuntary tension that only eased when he returned home and I could check him from head to toe.
I was turning into one hell of a mother hen.
***
“A double whiskey for me,” Thor said to the waiter, then looked at me while I finished my dessert. “Would you like anything else, sweetheart?”
I set my fork on the plate and wiped my mouth with the napkin.
“Thank you. I’m full.”
Thor returned his gaze to the waiter.
“Just the whiskey, please.”
“Certainly, sir. May I clear the plates?”
Once the plates were cleared and his drink was on the table, Thor gave me his attention.
“Did you like the food?”
“Very much. I’d been here a few times before. The service is very good, and the food is delicious.” I took a sip of water and added distractedly, “Though in my condition, even a hot dog from a cart on the corner sounds like food from the gods.”
He laughed briefly, then took a sip of his drink.
“Are you going to tell me exactly what you were thinking about this morning?”
Straight to the point. No detours, no interludes. Direct and clear, the way he liked it.
“Well… I trust you. I really believe in your ability to protect yourself and the people around you, and I also know you’re much better than you claim to be.”
He leaned back in his chair with an open, relaxed posture.
“But?”
“I don’t know if I could live with it… I mean, it’s a lot of pressure.
I know we don’t control our emotions and feelings, and I’m aware that these crazy pregnancy hormones tend to intensify everything…
Honestly, I don’t know if I’ll be able to live like that, do you understand?
” He nodded, and I tried to read him without success.
“What I mean is that if it were only about me, I swear I would try my hardest. Not that I’m not trying, obviously I am.
But then there will be the baby, and he won’t depend only on me. He’ll need both of us. I’ll need you.”
“I won’t be negligent with either of you,” he said. “I’ll always be with you. I don’t plan on running from my responsibilities, Ella.”
“Until you accept a job and have to travel, spend days, weeks, months away from home, God only knows where. While I have to stay with him, sick with worry? Tense because there’s a tiny but real chance that you won’t come back the same way you left?
” I didn’t want to, but the words came out harsher than I’d intended.
His eyes narrowed. “Scusa. We didn’t come here to argue, and I swear I have no intention of fighting with you.
It’s just… I’m terrified of the baby’s arrival.
I don’t know if I’ll be able to take care of him, raise him, and still manage my worry for you when you’re away without letting it affect the baby.
I’ve never taken care of anyone before, except myself.
And, well, the result wasn’t exactly satisfactory.
But the baby is almost here, and the idea that he’s going to depend on me is frightening.
You’re my anchor keeping me from going insane.
My safe harbor. And if I don’t have you, what will I do?
I don’t want to have someone and still feel alone.
That is simply unacceptable. I can’t and won’t submit myself to a relationship where I can only count on myself. ”
Breathless, I finished my outburst under his analytical gaze.
I reached for the glass of water.
“It’s a relief to know you’re anxious about the baby’s arrival.”
“Excuse me?”
“Baby, do you think I’m not scared about our boy’s arrival too?
That I’m not afraid of not knowing how to raise him properly?
Of being enough for him? For our family?
That I’m not afraid of failing to raise him?
” I stared at him in silence. I hadn’t expected that.
“I’m thirty-one years old. And in all these years, I’ve been through a lot and lived through other things you’ll never live through, at least not the same way.
All of it gave me experience. But nothing I’ve lived through until now prepared me to be a father.
“And honestly, I don’t believe there’s anyone in this world prepared to be a parent, no matter how much experience they’ve acquired in life.
There’s no manual. Caring for someone so small is an experience we only learn and refine through practice.
Of course there has to be concern, dedication, and the willingness to give our best, and that is something both of us have plenty of.
What calms me is knowing we’ll give our best to fulfill our roles as well as we can. ”
“Well, I’m glad to know I’m not in this boat alone. That way, I don’t feel so useless.” And I added, “But you didn’t answer me.”
“Ella, ask the question you really want to ask.”
“Do you plan on continuing your work after the baby is born?”
“Someone has to pay for the child’s milk, right?
” he joked, but I didn’t smile and waited impatiently.
He studied me. “I told you that after this job, it would be only the three of us, didn’t I?
I’m not going to leave you to handle the responsibility and changes that will come with having a newborn at home. ”
“But you’ll go back to your work after the adjustment period,” I stated, unable to hide my displeasure.
“Ella, love, I don’t understand you. Do you want me to leave my job to stay home with you and the baby? Is that it?”
“I would never ask you to stay home when I know you’re restless to the core.”
“Then what is it?”
“I just think you don’t need to do such dangerous work, especially after the baby comes…
Listen, I’m not trying to boss you around, rein you in, or anything like that, much less use the baby to manipulate you.
It’s just that… Dio, I just think for the three of us, especially for me and the baby, it would be better if you had a safer job, understand?
You have so many skills, and you could use them, I don’t know, open a security company or something that provides services similar to what you do now. I don’t know.”
“You already have it all planned out, don’t you?
” I smiled nervously. “Ella, I’ve been in this for a long time.
First with the Agency and then with freelance work.
You know why I got into this field. The first time was only for justice for my parents.
But then, through that process, I learned to like the work and pushed myself to be the best. If I didn’t choose something else after I left the Agency, it wasn’t for lack of opportunity… ”
“It was for love of the work.”
“I wouldn’t use the word love for it. I like what I do, but I don’t idolize my work. I don’t put it on a pedestal above the people I love.”
“But you want to stay in it until you retire.”
“I’m my own boss, Ella. I don’t need to put in years at a company to retire.
All these years, I’ve been building my own retirement, because the last thing I want is to depend on the government to have a peaceful old age.
” He pointed that out with amusement. “I’ve been in this field so long that my work has become part of my life.
It affects every aspect. I can’t just say enough today and stop tomorrow.
It doesn’t work like that. I don’t work like that. ”
“Fine.”
“No, baby, you need to understand.” He reached for my hand across the table and wrapped our fingers together.
I froze my expression, trying to hide my displeasure, but it was hard.
“Do you know why I never allowed myself to get seriously involved with anyone before you came into my life? And even after you came along, why I delayed accepting that I loved you?”
“No,” I murmured quietly, watching him with apprehension.