Chapter 28
You know that horrible feeling of anguish that grows wildly, bringing a sense of doom and another unpleasant sensation… Desperation, maybe?
That was how I felt after Thor simply disappeared and I had no more news of him, at least none that was relevant.
Two days before I left the ICU and went to the room—shortly before lunch—I learned from the nurse that my son had been discharged and had left the hospital with his father, a young woman, and an older woman, whom I assumed were Pietra and Martha.
And you know what?
Pietra had gone to see me for ten minutes that morning and hadn’t said anything.
The strangest thing was knowing Thor had been to the hospital but hadn’t come to see me or give me any explanation.
That was what hurt me most. A whirlwind of questions filled my head.
I was confused and anguished. Nothing seemed right or made sense.
But something deep inside told me there was something very wrong behind all that suspense.
Knowing my son had left the hospital was like balm to my soul.
It made my heart lighter. It meant he was fine.
But on the other hand, it saddened me, and I felt incomparable discouragement at not having had the opportunity to meet my baby.
Everyone else, even people who had no bond with Lucca, had met him, except me, his mother.
It was my right, wasn’t it?
That hurt me like hell.
My heart was wilted, like a rose that slowly loses its splendor until only dark, dry petals remain.
I didn’t know what was worse, the silent nights or the quiet days, broken only by the coming and going of the professionals involved in my recovery.
Day or night, it was endless torture. My only relief was venting to the hospital psychologist, who listened to me whenever I felt on the verge of breaking.
Three days after being transferred to the room, a strange Josie visited me.
“Hi,” she said from the bedroom door.
“Hi… Don’t stand there! Come in, please.”
Josie closed the door behind her, but didn’t approach. She only stood there staring at me with a look I didn’t know how to decipher and, to be honest, didn’t even try to, so great was my happiness at having a familiar face visiting me.
“How are you?”
“Better than yesterday, but I still can’t get up and greet you properly,” I joked, trying in vain to make her smile. “Everything okay?”
And just like that, in the blink of an eye, I saw her expression and the atmosphere change. Her eyes shone with tears, and her voice scraped out tearfully.
“Hey, come here…” She hesitated, biting her lip and looking at me with a tearful, distressed gaze.
I insisted, beginning to feel anxious for her.
“Come on, sit here! Don’t worry, I won’t break.
Actually, there’s nowhere left to break.
All the available places…” I fell silent and took her hand when she came closer.
I searched her eyes, but she was looking at our joined hands while I watched tears run down her face. “Hey… What is it?”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, but I couldn’t…”
“Hey, friend, it’s all right. I don’t know why you’re like this. I admit I’m lost here. But whatever you’re apologizing for, I’m sure it isn’t your fault. Actually, there’s no reason to apologize to me. You haven’t done anything to me.”
Her silent crying increased.
“I love you, Antonella. I will always have you as my sister by heart.”
“The feeling is mutual, Josie.”
She lifted her eyes to me and then hurried out of the room.
I understood absolutely nothing.
A week in that room, and exactly nine days after my son’s departure, Pietra came to visit me right after the nurse helped me express milk.
Something that happened daily, sometimes even two or three times a day, since I’d complained of pain to one of the nurses while still in the ICU, a day after Heithor left.
I had a lot of milk, but no baby in my arms to nurse.
My breasts became engorged and hurt badly.
I knew that before my son left, he had received small doses of my milk when he could feed, while the rest was frozen in the hospital milk bank.
The rest was donated. And after his departure, the expressed milk went to my baby, the nurse told me.
In some symbolic way, I was with my little one.
“Sorry I didn’t come sooner, but I was…”
“Helping take care of my son… at home. I already know. Why didn’t you tell me that morning that Lucca was being discharged and would go home as soon as he was released?”
She shrugged and left her purse on the sofa in front of the window.
“Oh! I… forgot.”
“Forgot? Just like that?”
Pietra came closer to the bed.
“Look, I’m sorry, okay? I really am sorry I didn’t say anything.
I had so much on my mind that I ended up forgetting…
so many things happened, all at once and so unexpectedly, that my head tied itself in knots.
It wasn’t malicious.” She smiled uncomfortably, her voice touched by a nervousness that wasn’t like her.
“Is there a bathroom here? I’m about to pee myself. ”
“You know there is.”
“Oh, right… then I’ll go and…”
She ran to the bathroom.
“What are you hiding from me?” I asked seriously when she returned to the room. “What part of this are you not telling me, Pietra?”
“Me? Hiding?” She made a dismissive gesture while sliding onto the sofa and picking up a magazine, beginning to leaf through it. “I’m not hiding anything.”
“You say you’re not, but why do I have the feeling you’re leaving something out on purpose?”
Pietra lowered the magazine. “Because you’re stuck in this bed with nothing to do, and that’s why you keep thinking nonsense?
Has anyone ever told you an idle mind is the devil’s playground?
I think you need some books to keep yourself entertained while you’re here so you don’t keep thinking dark thoughts when you’re awake. ”
“You’re trying to distract me again. Ma va bene. Soon I’ll get out of here, because sooner or later I will, and when that happens, I’ll personally check whatever you’re not telling me.”
She made a silly gesture.
“So, how are you today? Can you get up yet?”
“Not that I think that’s of any real interest to you, but yes, I can get up and do things by myself, although I still need the nurse’s help to go to the bathroom. The doctor advised me not to overdo it these first few days, although my ankle doesn’t hurt and it hurts less to breathe deeply.”
“God, Antonella! And I do care about you…”
“So much that you forgot to tell me that my son would leave the hospital that day… And a little more to give me evasive answers as if I were too stupid to understand you’re hiding something from me, something I know is important.
And another bit to come here to see me only to check the best-friend box.
And, Pietra, I don’t need that. I’ve never needed anyone’s pity in my life, not even now that I’m all broken in this bed, and by God, I never will. ”
Hot tears sprang into my eyes, and I held myself together.
Pietra slid to my side and held my good hand.
“How can you think these things of me, beloved? How could I not worry when you’re my best friend?
My sister by heart? My family?” she said, her voice choked, drawing my eyes to hers.
That only made my tears overflow. “I love you. I’m sorry for being absent.
I didn’t think it would cause all this trouble and make you think these horrible things.
I should have imagined… Dio, I’m really sorry.
I’m a terrible best friend… But I assure you it wasn’t because I wanted to.
I-I… I only didn’t come sooner because I couldn’t.
My head is spinning. The mansion is chaos because of Lucca’s arrival.
All of us are bending over backward to care for him. ”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that, but I’m feeling far too vulnerable here,” I said, feeling a little regretful for the accusation.
“I can’t walk. I can’t leave here. The only things I see are these white walls and this hellish brightness, and when it isn’t that, it’s the professionals taking care of me.
I hate hospitals! I hate the smell, the maddening silence, the suffocating feeling these walls give me, the bed, the floor, the atmosphere.
Everything. And mainly, I hate the fact that I’m stuck here like a dying woman when I could be with my baby. ”
“I’m sorry, beloved. I should have known you were feeling like this…”
“Don’t be, Pietra. There was no way you could know, and there’s also no way, unless you’re in my situation.
And Dio, I hope you never go through anything similar.
I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. It’s unbearable.
I haven’t even seen my son. He was born days ago and is already home, and I haven’t seen him.
Do you know what that feels like? My only relief is knowing he’s well and being well cared for at the mansion, because I know Thor would never allow anything to threaten his well-being or his life.
I swear I’m happy for Lucca. I’m dying to see him.
I’m counting the days, the minutes, every second until I can leave here and meet him.
Touch him, kiss him, smell his little scent, hold him and nurse him, even change the stinky diapers, put him to sleep, bathe him…
see every tiny line of his face and how he sleeps, if it’s truly the same way I sleep, like Thor told me… ”