Chapter 31 #3
“Lucca is well, dear. You saw him. He’s being very well cared for and he’s safe.
In the middle of this situation, there’s something good, and that is Lucca.
Be certain no one will threaten his safety and well-being.
” Not even me. “I know that is and, at the same time, isn’t much, but for now, cling to that so you can do what needs to be done.
Let Heithor calm down, and then you can talk and come to an agreement, even understand each other.
You love each other. Just give it time. Everything will work itself out in the best way.
And whatever I can do, whatever is within my power to do for you…
for both of you, by the way, the three of you, I will do. ”
She came to me and bent down, kissing my forehead.
“Now, I’m going to ask Mariah to make the menu special, and I’ll bring your lunch soon. Or if you prefer, we can have lunch in the garden? Yes! I’ll do that. You’re paler than usual. You need to get a little color and see more than these walls.”
Martha left. From the corner of my eye, I caught Pietra going to the curtains.
“Don’t open them.”
“It’s very stuffy and dark in here, babe. It’ll be good to let in a little…”
“It’s exactly how it should be. Dark and cold like my soul. Nothing more fitting, don’t you think?”
Her gaze overflowed with compassion when she approached.
“Norah isn’t coming to the mansion. I swear. Today was an unfortunate exception. You know I wouldn’t fail to keep my word, don’t you?”
I fixed my eyes on the ceiling without really seeing it.
“I know.”
“I wish I could say something that… I don’t know, anything that could ease what you’re feeling, but I don’t know what to say.”
“Don’t say anything,” I murmured, emotion stuck in my throat. “There’s nothing you can say that will make what I feel any better.”
Pietra lay down beside me, rested her forehead on my shoulder, and held my good hand, playing with my fingers. She kept silent. I appreciated that.
Talking increased my anxiety and made despair climb the edge, because the more I heard or spoke, the more terrifying the situation looked from my side. However, silence wasn’t a sedative either, because although it seemed comforting, it didn’t destroy the growing urge to be with my baby again.
I had never considered leaving the room that had always been mine to stay in a guest room, even with Heithor talking about it day after day. It wasn’t just a room. It was my room. My identity, or part of it, which I didn’t want to let go of.
I should have done it…
Why the hell hadn’t I listened to him when he asked me to move us into one of the rooms on the ground floor? But would that have stopped that snake from hurting us?
It didn’t matter anymore.
I started to feel suffocated, so I sought out the back of the mansion. Pietra followed me to the gazebo. I lowered myself onto the wicker sofa and propped my foot on the little table.
“Don’t you think it would be better to rest a little?”
I lifted my face and closed my eyes. The warmth of the weak sun spilled over my skin, and in the distance I could hear the restless sea, the waves crashing hard against the cliff.
I wanted to shut off, all those obsessive thoughts creating a whirlwind of conflicting emotions eating me alive.
I opened my eyes, my expression blank. “I think a lot of things would be better, but I don’t have even the basics of any of them.”
“Thor is upset, but when he calms down and gets his head…”
“Until then, I have to accept his injustice and pretend I’m blind. I already understood that, Pietra. You all just forgot to understand my side, as always.”
“We do understand, babe.”
I curved my lips without feeling it.
I wasn’t going to argue. I didn’t have the strength or the spirit, much less the mental clarity for it. She didn’t understand. No one understood. Only someone who had been through or was going through a similar situation could.
I just stayed there, inert inside my mental mess.
Being here made everything harder.
It wasn’t as if I missed the hospital. Not at all. However, there I could dose my anxiety and think with some clarity. There, my baby wasn’t beside me. But being here, under this roof, knowing my son was only a few yards away made my restlessness almost unbearable.
Disturbed didn’t even begin to describe me.
The day stretched out for an entire lifetime, so awful I thought it was divine punishment for the shit I had done in my nineteen years. The distress of needing to be with Lucca kept biting at me.
Without rest.
Uninterrupted.
The only thing stopping me from going to him was Heithor’s threat. His cruel words echoed in my head. Made me bleed. He hadn’t been bluffing.
My world had turned inside out again and twisted.
It was the worst and most maddening day of my life.
I went to my room early, expressed milk like an insignificant wet nurse, and then shut myself in there with the door locked.
The hours passed slowly, very slowly, testing my control.
I searched in my purse and brought the stack of photos of my baby to bed with me. I remembered him in my arms, his little weight, his sweet smell…
I fell into a turbulent sleep and woke hours later screaming.