Chapter 35 #2
I had been moribund the night before, but now I felt awakened by resentment. My pride, once in ashes, had taken shape again.
Sad? Flooded.
Angry? You bet I was.
Resentful? With all my soul.
Looking at the image reflected in the mirror only made me harder, more furious with that big son of a bitch. That girl in the mirror disgusted me, made me pity her. Reinforced my rage. My dignity, my pride, my self-love were in a fury, demanding revenge, crying out for punishment for the guilty.
And still, I loved him.
I exhaled hard, stiffening at the direction of my thoughts, and made a bun high on my head, using my own hair to hold it. I was wearing my own clothes—clean and dry. Ben had left them folded on the dresser, but he himself hadn’t been there when I woke a little later than usual.
With the nightmares, I didn’t usually sleep for long periods, let alone almost an entire morning.
I had still woken up screaming twice in the middle of the night, but unlike the other nights, when I woke alone, Ben had been there for me.
Comforting me with his friendship until I went back to sleep again.
And for the first time, I managed to sleep, not enough to erase the physical damage reflected on my face, but enough to restore my energy and put my pieces back together.
My stomach growled loudly, and then I went looking for the kitchen.
Ben must have cleaned everything, I thought when I saw it all tidy. On the counter, I found a Starbucks bag, a coffee, and a note.
A smile reached the corners of my lips.
I was surprised he’d taken that small bit of care with me. Decaf. It was awful, but necessary when I was still breastfeeding…
My mood died, and so did my smile.
I abandoned the paper and pushed the bad feeling down.
My stomach growled again, and I busied myself with tending to it. When I finished, I cleaned up my whole mess. In the bathroom, I brushed my teeth.
I checked my phone.
There were a dozen calls. I didn’t return any of them and turned the device off.
I was fed up, tired of everything and everyone.
You know. There was that tiny part of me that thought I would be fine if I had stayed in the dark. That wanted to give up and say, “Okay, Castellammare, you won. I can have a litter if I want.” Because continuing hurt too much.
But I couldn’t!
I loved Lucca too fiercely to give him up and move on as if nothing had happened. Another baby wouldn’t be able to fill the emptiness in my chest.
Lucca was unique.
He was mine, and that bastard…
I exhaled sharply, clenching my teeth, outraged.
Of all the imaginable evils I had considered when I met Heithor and realized he could be the one to shake my foundations, I had never imagined he might go all the way to the bitter end.
But he had. And although everything I feared was painful, I could have forgiven even a betrayal.
I could have gotten past it so we could stay together, because without him, I felt aimless, off-axis. Incomplete.
I know I could, even though I also knew I would condemn myself for it.
But what he was doing to me, this measured cruelty.
There was no forgiveness for that.
And you know what? Being aware of that was killing me.
I couldn’t fool myself, because despite all the rage parked inside me, I was still wounded by his rejection, his disbelief in me, and his lying love… I still loved that shitty coward… still desired him… wanted him…
***
Ben came in with a pair of bags.
“Hello,” he said when he saw me.
The surprise and relief in his voice, his expression, made me smile.
“Want help with that?”
I jumped off the couch and made my way to him.
“I think I’ve got it… I hope I didn’t take too long. Something unexpected came up at work, and I had to go in. Did you have your breakfast?”
“Actually, I devoured it. Grazie. Everything was delicious. Did everything go okay?” His eyebrow arched in confusion, and I clarified, “At work. Did everything go okay?”
“Oh, yes. Everything’s fine. And you, are you all right?”
I bit my lip while smiling and nodded.
I knew what that question implied. He was worried because of my frail state the night before, but I chose to postpone that subject.
“What do you have there?”
“In this one”—he lifted his right hand—“our lunch. Italian food. I bought it at a restaurant two blocks from here. It’s very good.
Since I didn’t know what you liked, I got a little of everything.
” He raised his left hand. “Clothes. I also stopped at a store before coming here and bought a few things. I hope I got the size right. The saleswoman helped me.”
My eyes widened. “They’re for me?”
“Although I think I’m passable, I don’t think I’d look very good in a dress.”
“Dio, Ben, you didn’t need to spend your money on me.”
He made a serious face. “I didn’t need to, but I wanted to, and I won’t accept refusals.”
Stunned, but grateful, I accepted the bags. I hugged him and kissed his cheek before pulling away. “Seriously, Ben, thank you so much. That was very kind of you. I’ll pay you back…”
“No chance!”
“I can’t accept it if that’s how it is, Ben.”
“Of course you can. It’s a gift.”
“But…”
“Friends give each other gifts, don’t they?”
“Yes, but…”
“No buts. Accept it or offend me by refusing.”
I narrowed my eyes and sighed.
“I’ll have to think of something for you too.” He looked as if he was about to speak, probably to protest, but I quickly added, “Friends give each other gifts, don’t they?”
We had lunch at the table I set.
Ben opened a Chianti to go with the pasta and then looked embarrassed because of me, but I decided to make an exception and accepted half a glass.
It wasn’t as if drinking or not drinking would make any difference anyway.
Oh, yes! I was a wet nurse, but today I wasn’t on duty.
I had left plenty of milk frozen for use.
“You have a nice space here,” I commented between one forkful and another of my fettuccine. “Not that I’ve wandered around the apartment, but you can tell it’s pretty spacious.”
His full lips curved slightly.
Unhurried, he wiped his mouth with the napkin and took a sip from his glass.
Ben had very subtle and elegant manners at the table, appreciating the food slowly as if it were a delicacy from the gods that should be savored with every forkful. It was beautiful to watch him eat.
“Are you enjoying the food? Good. There’s no problem with wandering around the apartment. If you want, feel free, or I can give you a tour.”
I swallowed my food and used the napkin. “Thank you.”
“When I closed the deal, I wasn’t thinking about the excessive space. It was a good place at an excellent price, so I bought it. But you’re right, it’s a big apartment for one guy alone.”
“Oh, no… I didn’t mean that.”
The thick eyebrow curved.
“No?”
“Well, actually, that too. In fact, for someone alone, it is quite a space, but as you said, the place is well located, so I believe you made a good deal.”
I wound a little more pasta around my fork and put it in my mouth.
“I agree. Sometimes the extra space makes me feel lonely, but I like it as it is. I don’t like a lot of decorations. I prefer functional.”
“Uh.” I took a sip of wine. “Your fiancée will certainly be happy to add some color here.” I paused, my mind clicking suddenly. “By the way, I don’t think Juliana is going to like knowing I spent the night here…”
“We’re not engaged anymore.”
My jaw dropped open.
“Oh!”
What a big mouth I had.
“Scusa. I didn’t know. I’m sorry… Are you all right?”
He smiled at my embarrassment.
“It’s all right, Antonella.”
Ben sipped more wine and shifted in his chair before eating another bite. He didn’t seem comfortable, although he wanted to show the opposite.
I imitated him, despite my curiosity.
He wasn’t engaged anymore.
Why wasn’t he engaged anymore?
“Listen, it’s no big deal,” he said. “We broke up three weeks ago. She and I weren’t the same anymore. We had dreams that didn’t intersect and wanted different paths. Anyway. You were right when you said we rushed into it.”
I set my silverware on my plate, feeling bad for him.
“I’m sorry for my big mouth. I didn’t mean to ruin your relationship with my pregnancy temper. Pregnant women shouldn’t be taken seriously while possessed by demonic hormones. Juliana seemed like a good woman.”
“Juliana is fantastic,” he pointed out sweetly, the admiration in his gaze flowing into his voice. “Don’t feel guilty for seeing better than we did… This is one of those moments in a relationship where, even knowing the fight is in vain, we try just to be sure it won’t work.”
He had a good point and my full attention.
“A marriage needs more. More than affection, desire, and goodwill to work…”
“…It needs love,” I reflected, trapped in my own thoughts.
“Yes, it needs love… I have immense affection and respect for Juliana, and she for me. We found each other again after a few years and believed we could resume the dream from when we were still dating, but we didn’t love each other anymore.
So we decided by mutual agreement to follow our separate paths. It was best for both of us.”
“In that case, I’m happy for you… I think.”
***
I was washing the lunch dishes when Ben informed me he would call the shop to say he wouldn’t be coming back today.
“You don’t have to do that, Ben. I’ll leave as soon as I’m done here.”
“What’s the fun of being the boss if I can’t miss a day of work? And about you leaving, I don’t think you’re going to the mansion when you leave here. Or am I wrong?”
He didn’t wait for my answer when I hesitated.
I finished the dishes without breaking a single plate, then let myself drop onto the chaise longue while I waited for Ben to make his call.
“I’m officially free,” he declared when he sat on the other end of the chaise longue.
I straightened my posture.
“You didn’t need to do that.”
“I did…” He paused, looking at me cautiously, his voice low. “You scared the fuck out of me yesterday. I never thought I would see you like that, and honestly, I hope this doesn’t become a habit. I don’t even want to think about it.”