Chapter 37
I stepped into Lucca’s room without thinking twice, and the voices fell silent.
I fought to contain the emotion of finally being inside the room I had arranged with so much care and love back when my world still had color.
A whirlwind of feelings coiled around my throat like a snake.
Pietra appeared in front of me.
“Jesus, Antonella! Where the hell have you been all these days? I was worried sick, imagining a thousand and one things that could have happened. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, Pietra.”
“Why didn’t you…? Wait… Did you cut your hair?”
My hand moved on reflex, sliding over the shorter strands.
“I needed a new cut.”
“I like it. It suits you.”
“Thank you.”
“Now tell me, where have you been? I called you countless times.”
“Mi dispiace.” I looked up, focusing on Lucca lying on the changing table while Martha dressed him in a dark salmon onesie. “Hi, Auntie.”
“Ciao, bambina. It’s good to see you well. We were all very worried.”
“I’m sorry,” I managed to push out past the emotion lodged in my throat.
He was so big, and I was missing everything.
“The important thing is that you’re all right and, please, don’t do that again.”
All I could do was stare, dazed, at my beloved baby. So few days away, and they felt like years. He had changed and was even more perfect.
“It’s your mommy, sweetheart,” Martha teased after a sweet little grumble from Lucca made me smile. “Do you want to go to her?”
I was moving toward him before I even realized it.
“He just had a bath, amada,” Pietra chattered. “He smells so good. You’ll want to bite every inch of him, he’s so cute.”
“He’s so beautiful and big.”
“They grow fast,” Martha said. “It’s time for him to nurse. I think you can do that, can’t you?”
I was ready to take him. My heart was beating so hard and fast it could have punched through my chest. I was really going to hold him, feed him… I didn’t wait for Martha to hand him to me. I picked him up and cradled him in my arms, where he had always belonged.
“Hey, Mommy’s beautiful baby. It’s okay, my love. Mamma is here…”
“He’s just hungry, cara mia,” Martha explained at my distressed expression. “It’s time for Lucca to eat, and he isn’t very patient.”
Guilt struck me.
“Is the milk I pumped gone?”
“He had the last little container almost three hours ago. You can pump more now. It’s just a matter of Pietra getting the pump, unless you’d rather breastfeed him.”
A chill fluttered in my stomach. A shiver shot down my spine, and anxiety hooked into me. Emotional. I admit there was also a stab of fear, a fear that he wouldn’t accept me after nearly three months since his birth.
“Why don’t you sit in the chair? You’ll be more comfortable.”
Lucca was still crying when I followed her advice, but it was no longer that alarming cry from before.
“Do you want the nursing pillow?”
“No, it’s okay.”
“Do you know what to do, or do you need help?”
“It’s okay,” I assured her, more for myself than for her.
It was more than okay. Wonderfully okay, I thought as I worked to free my breast from my blouse and bra, which, thank God, fastened in the front.
I was sort of on autopilot as I tried to calm myself, remembering the many classes I had taken at the maternity school.
I had never done this, but I knew very well what to do.
The crying stopped, leaving only irritated little grumbles.
Lucca squirmed in my arms, his head turned toward my full breast, his mouth eager.
I was terrified that this was only a dream, one of those painfully realistic ones.
But he was there, and it was really happening.
His little hand touched my breast, pinching, while his clever mouth latched onto my nipple, anchoring me to the earth.
And when he sucked, the world stopped spinning, narrowing down to the two of us.
I felt an inexplicable blend of fulfillment, pleasure, and a joy unlike anything else.
I knew I was a mother. I felt like a mother.
I had carried Lucca in my womb for months and held him in my arms once.
But it was as if only in that moment, with every pull of his mouth, his little hand touching me skin to skin, his weight in my arms, and those big black eyes fixed on me, the raw reality finally settled before my eyes.
I was, definitively, a MOTHER.
That little person wrapped in the safety of my arms was mine.
My piece. An extension of me. My creation. My most perfect work, the best and purest thing in me, drawn into solid, soft shape inside the warm shelter of my arms.
My own family.
There weren’t enough words to describe what I felt in that instant.
My already immense love only grew. All I wanted was to hold him against my chest and keep him there forever.
Within reach of my love, my protection, and my caresses.
I wanted to stroke him, kiss him, smell him, and look at him for eternity.
Extreme happiness poured over me, gathering tears at the backs of my eyes and driving my heart forward.
I was smiling, but not with my lips…
…It was with my eyes, with my heart, with my dazzled soul.
Wrapped in my private little bubble of heaven, I ran my fingers over his head.
His thick hair had thinned, but it was still as soft and silky as I remembered, nothing less than perfect.
So black. I lowered my gaze, following with my fingers as I touched his chubby arm and the little crease there, so soft and fragile.
I kept going down over his chest, his covered little belly, where I stroked him with my palm over the fabric of the short onesie…
his bare thighs down to his tiny feet. I felt an immense urge to kiss them as I wrapped one in my hand and then the other, a part of me counting his chubby, graceful little toes.
Lucca was completely perfect and heartbreakingly beautiful.
I don’t know how long I stayed there, lost to the world around me while I fed and spoiled my baby with my eyes and my fingers.
It didn’t matter.
No amount of time with him would ever be enough.
There, I felt at peace, free from everything that tormented me. This was my slice of paradise, and I never wanted to leave.
“Get the ones from the bottom drawer too, Pietra.” Martha’s voice pulled me out of my private bubble.
I looked over. Neither of them was paying attention to me.
Pietra took a stack of clothes from the bottom drawer of the dresser and handed it to Martha, who placed it on the dresser beside another tall pile of clothes.
“Why are you gathering those clothes?”
Martha looked at me.
“Those are the clothes for donation, the ones that don’t fit him anymore. As you can see, Lucca stretched out and outgrew a lot of them. Some he never even wore. Is that all right with you?”
“Of course.” I smiled and added, “Maybe Anna might want some. I mean, not for her baby, who’s much bigger than Lucca, but maybe she has a friend. I don’t know.”
“Possibly. But she doesn’t work here anymore.”
A worried crease marked my forehead.
“Why? Her son…?”
“No, querida. Her son is fine. The bambino has improved a great deal with treatment, and if they keep it up, he’ll be able to live well for the rest of his life.”
Relief washed over me for her. Now, as a mother, I felt her anguish. Just the thought of Lucca being touched by any illness, even his fussy little cries, made me desperate. Truly, I had to raise my hands to heaven and thank God my baby was strong and healthy.
Pietra finished Martha’s thought:
“She had to go back to Thailand shortly after Lucca came home. Her mother was at death’s door, and they called for her. Thor even made sure she got there as fast as possible, sending her and her family on the chartered jet.”
Point for him. At least one good thing among so many bad ones he had done to me.
Even if I didn’t want to, I couldn’t deny Heithor had a good heart with the people around him. Just not with me, I thought sadly.
I shook my head, burying that awful feeling, and turned my attention back to Lucca.
A little while later, I switched him to the other breast and once again surrendered to our moment, until he was satisfied and, already sleepy, let go.
After he burped, I used the cloth to wipe up a little milk that came back.
Lucca had eaten his fill, and I could hardly wait to nurse him again.
I stood, holding him in my arms, and rocked him a little longer, savoring the moment, then placed him in the crib.
I didn’t want to let him go, but it was necessary.
“Soon, my love,” I whispered only to him. “Soon we’ll be together. Just you and Mommy. Everything will be okay. I promise, my love. I love you, baby.”
I placed a tender kiss on his forehead and laid him in the crib, admiring him in his peaceful sleep, so happy I couldn’t take the smile from my lips.
I turned around while fastening my bra.
Pietra was still focused on organizing the clothes with Martha.
“Auntie, would you mind if I went out with Pietra? I need to take care of something, and I need Pietra to come with me.”
“Certo che no! You two go. I’ll finish here… Did he fall asleep?”
“Yes. Thank you… both of you, for letting me be with him.”
“You don’t have to thank us for anything, amada. It’s your right.”
I let out a heavy breath, tense as a board.
“Can we go?”
“Whenever you want,” Pietra said.
I gave Lucca one last look and left.
“So, where are we going?” she asked once we left the house in her car, since mine still wasn’t in the garage, and I wouldn’t use the new one if my life depended on it.
“Josie’s house.”
I didn’t look over to see her reaction.
“And what do you want to talk about that’s so important you couldn’t do it at the mansion? I mean, I think it’s nice that you want to make peace. After all, you’re friends, and you know she would never hurt you on purpose.”
“I know.”
“You’re being very mysterious.”
Instead of insisting the way she usually would, Pietra stayed quiet until we were at the door of the apartment where Josie and her family lived.
“Can I come in?” I asked a very surprised Josie.
“Of course.” She stepped aside, making room for me, a wavering smile on her lips. “Come in, please. Hi, Pietra.”
“Hi, J. How are you?”
“Good, and you?”
“Cool.”
“Make yourselves comfortable. Would you like anything?”
“Water,” I said, leaving my purse on the sofa.
Pietra sat on the opposite sofa facing me.
“I’ll get it,” Josie said. “Pietra?”
“Water too, thanks.”
I took generous gulps of cold water, hydrating my dry throat for that conversation. I was focused on what I had come to do, even though I could feel the tense mood swelling around me, but I searched for my calm.
Josie looked at me cautiously.
“Are you okay?”
“Are your parents home?” I asked instead.
“No, they’re at work and won’t be back until later.” Her gaze fixed on mine, hurt and sad. “Antonella, I…”
“I know. I don’t like it, and I’m hurt, but I understand.”
“I would never do anything to hurt you. If I had known telling the truth would put you in this situation, believe me, I wouldn’t have done it.”
“There’s no reason to lie for me. I didn’t do anything,” I said calmly, though my eyes carried the hardness of my expression. “I’m here because I want you to tell me everything about the trip. Every single detail.”