Chapter 23
Iwasn’t avoiding Mari; our schedules just hadn’t matched up. In fact, I hadn’t seen her since the meeting with the other heads. Either I was working, putting plans into place, or she was with Grey. I’d been making myself scarce to give them time to acclimate to being together, but her meeting with Cash was less than a day away and I couldn’t sleep. I wanted to see her before she went. Needed it.
Because something in the pit of my stomach was telling me whatever happened would be the real start of the war.
Swinging my legs over the side of the bed, I pulled on some sweats and left my room, only to run into Greyson coming out of Mari’s.
“Is she there?” I nodded to the room behind him. Greyson had all but moved in the first night they fucked.
“Gym.” Meaning she couldn’t sleep either. Greyson looked me over and nodded to himself. “I was about to go down, but you should go. She’s been worried about how you’ll handle this. Her and me. You two could use a bit of time to reconnect.”
Mari was worried about me? I was the one who’d pushed her toward Grey. It was the sweetest torture to hear them going at it through the walls, but I was genuinely happy for them both. They didn’t realize how much they needed each other and how much damage being apart had done. Now they could heal that.
But where did that leave her and me?
“I appreciate it, man.”
“Sure thing.” I headed past him with a wave, turning back when he called my name.“Don’t jump into things with her unless you’re all in.”
He watched me like he’d peeled back my outer layers to see what I was hiding. I didn’t like it.
“I am,” I said, but it didn’t sound convincing.
The truth was, I saw them together and wondered why Mari was looking my way. No matter what they did or how they moved, they existed like extensions of each other. If soulmates were real, Greyson was Mari’s. And the more I watched, the more I felt like I wasn’t needed.
People had the capacity to love more than one person, but when you were already guaranteed the love of a lifetime, why would you?
Beyond that, a part of me wondered if the girl I loved was the one I’d left behind all those years ago, not the Mari living just down the hall. Sometimes I found myself unsettled around her. Like I was waiting for someone who would never reemerge, even though it was totally unfair of me to do so.
And all of that was wrapped up under a massive layer of guilt.
Greyson straightened up from his lean. “I’m not here to tell you what to do, but figure your shit out, okay? Hurt her, and I’ll gut you. She’s been through enough.” Then he disappeared behind her door.
I knew Mari had been through a lot; I was pretty sure that was the problem.
Pushing the thought away because I was nothing if not an expert-level avoider, I trekked down to Mari’s gym, only to find it empty. Making my way to the other side of the house, I found her covered in sweat, throwing punches at the heavy bag.
Mari was always spectacular. There was never a time, even in her grubbiest clothes, that she didn’t look gorgeous. But something about watching the precision with which she hit the bag did something to me. I felt myself getting hard the longer I watched her adjust her form, letting her anxiety loose.
She’s incredible.
“You going to stand there all night, or are you planning to join me?”
Caught and not even remotely ashamed, I smirked. “A little of both, actually. Just want to give you some time first.”
She shook out her arms, and I could see the fatigue in them. “I’ve had enough time.”
Grabbing one hand, I pulled the glove off and tossed it into the nearby hamper before unwrapping her hand. “You looked good.”
“My form or my ass?” she teased, switching hands when prompted.
“Both.” I tossed the last wrap away, massaging her fingers and wrist. “How’s the new boyfriend?”
“Partner,” she corrected, but I could see that giddy smile threatening to poke its way through. It was adorable, even more so because Mari wasn’t used to being soft anymore. “He’s great. We’re great.”
“I’m happy for you.”
“Thank you. Now, you want to tell me why you’re here in the middle of the night, or should I guess?”
Similar to Greyson, Mari had always looked at me like she could sense my soft underbelly. I had no doubt she could gut me—with words or weapons—without batting an eye. Maybe that was the problem. This woman who needed nothing and no one wasn’t the young girl who had been desperate for her prince to sweep her away from the life she was living. This woman reveled in it, and it was intimidating as fuck.
“Dominic?”
Shaking myself, I focused on her again. “Sorry. Stuck in my head.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, I’m just worried about you. About tomorrow.”
Her eyes softened, and she stepped into my arms, cupping my cheeks in her small hands. “Don’t be. This is my job, and I’m good at it.”
With a gentle pull to bring us closer, she kissed me. In all the years I’d been gone, I’d missed kissing Mari the most. She always seemed to give herself over to it so there was no way to misinterpret what she meant. I loved feeling like I was the only one she was focused on, but as much as I wanted to sink into her lips, to take what she was so freely offering, I couldn’t. Her words burrowed under my skin until they itched.
This is my job, and I’m good at it.
I didn’t want her to be good at blood, death, and war. This wasn’t the life she deserved.
And it’s your fault she didn’t get it.
Breaking our kiss, I pushed her away. Not far, but enough to give me some space. I couldn’t breathe with her so close. Why couldn’t I breathe?
“Dominic?”
Gulping in air, I tried to explain because she looked so hurt. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt Mari, but I couldn’t fucking think, and nothing was coming out right. Christ, Greyson’s going to kill me. “I came back for you.”
Mari’s eyebrow arched. “So you’ve said, but you haven’t made a move.”
“I know. I just wasn’t expecting…this when I returned.”
“This?” she asked flatly, crossing her arms in front of herself. It wasn’t defensive, just protective. She was guarding herself from me, and I hated it.
“You. You weren’t who I was expecting.”
I could see the words hit like a physical blow, but I didn’t know how else to explain. I’d left an innocent princess and come back to a queen. Reconciling the two was proving impossible, especially when that queen was my boss.
But I didn’t need to explain. Mari got it, probably more than I ever would. Her laugh was so bitter, it should’ve burned on the way out. “Of course. I’m in power, and you can’t handle it.”
“That’s not true. I just?—”
“Was expecting the little wallflower I was when you left? The daddy’s girl who would do whatever he wanted without a word? That Mari was a child, Dominic. She was never going to last.”
“Maybe she would have.”
“No one should be that innocent.” Mari’s stare wasn’t probing; it was incredulous. Both brows were raised so high they practically disappeared into her hairline. “How did we grow up in similar families and turn out so different? I was never going to be a fucking Mary Sue, Dominic. It was either this or the dutiful mafia wife. There was no other fate for me.”
“Bullshit!” I snapped. “There could’ve been. If I’d brought you with me, maybe?—”
She softened, like she could see how racked with guilt I was, but it didn’t deter her. “My father never would have allowed it.”
The words were right there on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t say them. Not when we were fracturing before we’d even started. It wasn’t the time. Eventually, I’d have to come clean but not yet. “I could’ve asked. Mario liked me more than you think. Maybe if I’d talked to him, he would’ve allowed it.”
“Dominic, I’m telling you, it wouldn’t have worked. Save your maybes for things that matter.”
The woman was fucking infuriating. I grabbed her arms and pulled her close, not letting her wiggle away. “You matter. You will always matter.”
“Yet nothing you say is going to change my situation. I’m in this for life—and probably death, too. So are you, for that matter. Neither of us is getting out of it. Not today, tomorrow, or next year. If that’s not something you can handle, tell me now, and I’ll find someone to replace you so you can go back to your perfect little civilian life. I’m sure the ladies of Chicago will be grateful to have you again.”
She lifted her chin, defiant to the end, and I was as in awe of her as I was frustrated. How did she not see that I didn’t give a shit about them?
“I’m not leaving, and I don’t want anyone else, especially not people who were nothing more than placeholders for the real thing,” I growled. “No matter what, you’re still my mariposa. My girl. I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone else. I’m just coming to terms with…”
“With the person I had to become.” She pulled again, and this time, I let her go. The second she was free, she had her arms crossed in front of her again, and I could see the sadness seeping into her expression. “You think that taking my position turned me into a monster.”
How did I fuck this up so badly?“No. I think it made you do things you shouldn’t have had to do.”
“Kill people, you mean.”
“Yes.”
“Maybe you’re right. Maybe if I’d been a good little wife, I wouldn’t have blood on my hands, but I want you to think about something. Think about it hard before you answer.”
I agreed, though I could tell she was setting me up for a trap I wasn’t going to get out of.
“Would you be saying this to Cameron?” I winced because, no, I wouldn’t have. Mari scoffed. “Of course not. Because he’s a man and I’m not. I thought you were better than that, Dominic, but your savior complex is out of this world.”
“To be fair, Cameron spent his whole life training to be in the family.”
“That’s the point. So did I! You can ask him yourself. In fact, I’ll call him for you.” She reached for her phone, and I pulled her back again. The last thing I needed was her getting her cousin to gang up on me when the evening had already gone to hell.
“I don’t give a shit about your cousin. I care about you. Besides, I’m not trying to save you. I’m just?—”
“You are,” she insisted. “You’re trying to save me from the big, bad mafia like I didn’t sign the deal with the devil myself. I grew up in this life, for fuck’s sake, Dominic.”
I tried to pull back. We were getting so far off topic, and all it was doing was adding blows to a foundation that didn’t need the stress. “So did I, but I think I’m allowed to express concern about the fact that your job is dangerous, Mari.”
There, calm and reasonable.
“You know who else has dangerous jobs? Line workers, firefighters. Hell, window-washers have the same level of risk at work that I do, and they’re suspended from buildings!”
Oh, for fuck’s sake. “Window washers aren’t in the middle of a goddamn war or in the crosshairs of a fucking lunatic who is blowing up civilian’s cars!”
“That’s the job, Dominic. It’s the risk I take for the power I hold. There’s no escaping that.”
I deflated. “I know that, and I want you despite all of it.”
“You don’t get to want me despite anything. I’ve survived more than most people could even dream of, and at the end of all this bullshit, I’ll still be standing. I’m practically a miracle.”
“Mari. You need to calm down.”
“No. You don’t get to tell me to calm down.”
“Let’s table this and talk about it tomorrow.”
I found out quickly that was a mistake. Mari’s eyes were nothing but steel and rage as she shoved me backward. I stumbled but didn’t go down, and that seemed to make her even angrier. I grabbed her hands, holding her down, but she got out of my hold quickly enough, springing back on her feet like she was ready for a fight. I almost wanted to give it to her, but I was never going to hit Mari. Not when I was angry, and certainly not unless she begged me nicely.
I lifted my hands in surrender, and thankfully, her stance relaxed into something less dangerous, but it felt like the damage was already done.
“This was who I was always meant to be, Dominic. I was never going to be the wife with the white picket fence and the desk job. That was never my destiny. This was. This life, this job. If you can’t handle that—either because of your misguided attempt to ‘fix’ me, because you’re too much of a bullheaded alpha male to realize that I don’t need a protector, or because you have some internalized misogyny you need to dig out—then get lost.”
This whole situation was so sideways, I didn’t think there was anything I could do to right it again, but I had to try. “Mari, I?—”
“No. I don’t have the time to placate you, Dominic. There’s too much riding on tomorrow, and honestly? It’s not my job to make sure you feel secure in yourself. You’re either with me the way I am, or you’re not. If you don’t want me because of what I chose to become in order to survive,then leave. Accept me or walk away. Those are the only choices.”
There was a pregnant pause, and I knew she wanted me to respond, to deny what she’d said. But I couldn’t. It made me a shitty person, but her job was a major factor in our relationship, and I didn’t know how to move past it yet. I didn’t know how to let go of the life I’d secretly dreamed of. The future I’d hoped for while I was away, where Mari and I had a family outside of the chaos we grew up in.
Where I’d grown to resent the underground, she’d flourished in it, and I didn’t know if we could be compatible because of that.
“Right,” she scoffed, making her way back over to the equipment cabinet and pulling out another set of hand wraps. “Go to bed, Dominic. Just…go away.”
She looked so defeated as she turned back to her workout that I almost went to her, but I couldn’t. She’d laid a boundary down, and if I couldn’t be who she needed me to be, I had to step away. Even if it killed me to do it.
“I love you, mariposa.” I’m sorry.
When she turned to me, my heart nearly broke in two. Despite the strength in her voice, her eyes glittered with tears I knew she’d never let fall. Not in front of me. “No, you don’t. You love the old me, but she’s dead, Dominic. You need to figure out if you’re going to spend the rest of your life mourning her ghost.”
With that, she turned and went back to whaling on the bag, leaving me with just her words.
I shoved through the door, pissed at myself and the world and, yeah, even Mari. She’d had time to adjust to her position, to get comfortable with it. I’d come home in the middle of a crisis to find everything upside down. Was it really a shock that I was struggling?
That’s not why you’re struggling.
“What the fuck ever,” I snarled to no one.
“You okay?”
I jerked my head up, expecting a fire-breathing Greyson ready to rip me a new one. Instead, Nate stood in the hallway, watching me with a hint of concern that told me he’d heard every word of my argument with Mari. His saving grace was he looked just as conflicted as I was. A beat passed in which neither of us said anything before he gave me a single nod and walked back the way he came. Although I was glad to have someone on my side, it just made me feel worse.
Mari deserved people who loved her for who she was, without judgment or reserve. Was I really going to let her position take me out of the running? What if I couldn’t get past it?
I didn’t know, but I had to figure it out and soon, or I knew I’d lose my shot with her.