Chapter 27
There was no greater hell than watching Mari walk out the door and knowing she might not come back.
Go back to your room, I told myself. You can’t stand here all day like a lost puppy.
I turned to do just that and found Amara smiling at me. Though I mostly kept to myself, we’d struck up a casual friendship when she’d caught me skulking around the kitchen one midnight. After I’d gotten out of the Army, baking and cooking had become my stress-reliever. The mindless task was an easy way to shut down some of the memories that fought to hog my attention. Amara often let me work on my own food under her supervision. No one else’s, though.
It was her kitchen, so I didn’t mind the nosiness, especially when she didn’t try to fill up the silence with small talk. It was peaceful, and I’d had too little of that in my life to turn my nose up at it.
Amara slowly closed the distance and rubbed my arm softly. “She’ll be okay. Mari’s always been the best of us.”
That didn’t surprise me. Mari was incredible; it had just taken me a minute to figure that out.
Giving me another smile, Amara nodded toward the kitchen. “Lunch will be ready soon.”
I wasn’t hungry, but one look at her face told me I’d eat it anyway. Amara was as worried as I was. She was just using her job to occupy her mind. I envied her.
“Thanks. I’m going to hit the gym for a while first.” I needed an outlet for all the restless energy.
With a quiet nod, Amara left me to my thoughts.
My whole life was chaotic. From birth until the day I’d turned eighteen and shipped out to basic, it was a nightmare. In the Army, I trained until I’d all but forgotten who I’d been before. Nothing mattered but the next mission. I’d been to war. I’d fought, killed, and nearly died, not for patriotism or honor, but because I thought it was the only way to avoid the future written in stone for me.
It wasn’t enough. I’d still ended up back in Seattle, back in the place that threatened to snuff out what little light I had left in me. If I could’ve burned it down and salted the ashes, I would have. The only good in the entire fucking cesspool of a city was Mari, and I couldn’t even have her. Wouldn’t even let myself think about her. Except when she was gone fighting a battle I couldn’t join her in, then she was all I saw.
“This is bullshit,” I muttered to myself.
Stepping into the gym, I was reminded all over again of the conversation I’d overheard.
Last night, I’d thought I’d understood Dominic’s hesitance. Mari wasn’t just his friend; she was his boss. That was a dynamic that could go very wrong. But it wasn’t the power structure that bothered him. It was the woman he couldn’t contend with, and that I couldn’t accept.
Had he really thought that she could rule not just their family but the entire city and remain clean? The only way to survive in the world was to get your hands dirty.
But Mari was different from other dons. She killed because she had to, because there was direct danger to her people or her city. She didn’t do it indiscriminately, and she always weighed the cost of the people she could lose in the crossfire.
She wasn’t a monster. I hadn’t been around for long, but even I knew that much.
Yet Dominic, someone who’d known her for years, couldn’t see it. So what if she had power? It didn’t matter nearly as much as how she used it, and Mari always used her position with honor. The first thing I’d done after our initial meeting was check.
No one I’d talked to had anything but good things to say about her. She was ruthless and fierce, but also fair. She would fight to the death if it meant doing the right thing, despite her family not having her back all the time. She wanted to better the city for those left behind when she was gone.
From the moment I’d seen her in her car, I’d thought I knew who she was. The Marcosa Queen, the big boss of Seattle. I thought she was reckless with lives and bloodthirsty to boot, and maybe she was to an extent, but not at the expense of her people or her city. They mattered to her. Taking care of them was her top priority over money, and it had only taken me a single conversation to learn that.
It was part of the reason I was still so on the fence with her. I knew who she was, but she didn’t know me at all, and once she did, there was almost no chance for us.
I had to decide whether I wanted to take that risk or not.
Taping my hands quickly, I let myself work out the worry for her in every punch, counting the minutes until they returned.
* * *
Even dripping with sweat and nearly tipping over with exhaustion, I felt it the moment they got back. Could’ve been the sound of the garage door or their cars in the drive that had me ripping off my gloves and sprinting through the halls. I’d barely skidded to a stop in the foyer when the door opened, and there she was. Blood on her temple, one cheek swollen with the imprint of some asshole’s fist, and a hand cradling her stomach and ribs, but alive.
“Mari.” I barely felt the world leave my mouth before she ran for me. Well, hobbled. Even so, I didn’t hesitate to wrap her in my arms, careful not to hurt her worse. She reeked of gunpowder and blood, and I didn’t care because she was in front of me.
“You’re back.”
“You’re okay.”
We spoke at the same time, relief drenching our words. While I was curious what she’d been worried about, I didn’t ask. Didn’t care. I just wanted to keep holding her as long as she’d let me.
All too soon, throats cleared behind us, and Mari stepped back, a beautiful flush to the crest of her cheeks. I didn’t know kingpins got embarrassed.
Giving her a chance to breathe, I turned to look at the others and winced. They looked rougher than she did. Dominic had a huge gash on his cheekbone and a fat lip, while Greyson’s eye and knuckles were red and swollen.
“I take it things didn’t go well.”
Dominic snorted a harsh laugh. “You could say that.”
Dominic and Grey shifted on their feet, and I realized they didn’t know how much to tell me. I wasn’t a Marcosa. I hadn’t pledged my undying loyalty to the family, so I was still an outsider. In the end, Mari answered. “Cash knew we were coming, which we expected. We didn’t expect him to bomb the place after we were gone.”
“Any casualties?” I asked.
“One on our side from a bomb at the docks,” Grey said. “The Aces are down at least a dozen men, though.”
Small mercies, then.
Mari clenched her fingers over her stomach, and I saw the sweat on her brow. She was in pain. “You’re hurt.”
“I need to sit for a bit, yeah. Come with me?” I was floored she asked, until she added, “We need to talk anyway.”
Well, shit. “Of course. Lead the way.”
“Doc will be here soon,” Greyson said before handing her a tablet from one of the nearby tables with a kiss on the cheek. Dominic stepped forward to do the same, but she turned the opposite direction without another glance. I offered him a sympathetic smile that didn’t feel as genuine anymore. Grey was right; he did need to get his shit together before he lost the girl for good.
Might need to take my own advice.
Instead of the office as before, Mari pulled me into a nearby sitting room. Like the rest of the house, it had a dark color palette with espresso woods and luxuriously soft fabrics, but this room was more lived-in. Bright pops of jewel tones cut through the richness of the space, and the couches obviously were well-loved. I liked it.
After motioning for me to sit, Mari lowered into the chair across from me gently, lifting the tablet to scroll through. “Your background check came through.”
Panic stole my breath for a moment as I wondered just how detailed the check was. How much did she know about me? Would she care? As someone living in her home, yeah. She’d care.
“Nate Black, twenty-eight, born and raised just outside Seattle. You received an honorable discharge last year from the Army, where you were a sniper for eight years, though you could’ve gotten out two years prior when you were shot in the line of duty. Your only living relative is your mother, who moved out of state after your father died. No arrests, tattoos, or gang affiliations. You’re as clean as a whistle.”
She recited my background check like it was a grocery list, and her face gave even less away. I wanted to know what she was thinking. The whole thing was bare bones, and we both knew it. Taking a chance, I filled in what details I could.
“Worked wherever I could get my hands dirty after my discharge until I took a liking to bartending, at which point I got hired at Gilded. No debt. My savings account is padded, despite living in a shithole and taking care of my mom. I don’t have friends and prefer it that way. No kids, marriages, or relationships either. My therapist told me I had PTSD from my time in the Army, but I didn’t agree, so I ended our acquaintance there. I don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs because I don’t trust myself to get out of control, and I don’t have pets because I don’t want to be responsible for anyone other than myself.”
I thought some more, unsure how far she wanted me to go, then thought fuck it. “Also, I had a vasectomy at twenty-two. Not sure if that’s relevant.”
Mari’s lips quirked, but she didn’t make any notes, which told me it was a test. She wanted to know if I’d offer her my history without asking.
“I don’t think friends need to know about each other’s reproductive situations, but thanks for telling me.”
Friends. Why did that word feel like poison to my soul?
Pushing the feeling aside, I leaned back on the couch. “So you’ve decided to trust me?”
I was fairly sure I knew the answer, but I wanted to hear it from her.
She tapped her fingers against the tablet screen, which she’d turned off at some point during my sharing session. “I’ve decided to consider it. You’ve been a decent houseguest and an unexpected help with the evacuation plans. Since you’ll be staying with us until the Aces are neutralized completely, we may as well make use of you.”
I liked the sound of that, but…
“I won’t pledge to your family.” It was far too early to even think about it, but I didn’t want to get her hopes up. The devil already owned me, body and soul.
“Noted.” I couldn’t tell if I was imagining the disappointment when she spoke, but it didn’t matter anyway. Some things couldn’t be changed. “You’ve made it clear where we stand and I’ll respect that, but I want us to be friendly. Cordial at the very least since I have enough drama in this house already. Can we do that?”
There was that word again: friends. There were a lot of things I wanted to do to the angel in front of me, and absolutely none of them were friendly.
Reel it in. You can’t have her.But the more I tried to convince myself, the less the reasons made sense.
“Friends works for me,” I lied.
Mari took a breath in the silence, steeling herself to say more. “Since you’ll be here for a while, I wanted to make it clear that I’m not going to interfere with your life. If you want to go out and get laid or whatever, you’re free to do so. You’ll just be doing it with an escort from the family. No going anywhere alone.”
The idea of fucking anyone else left a bad taste in my mouth, but I couldn’t very well tell her that. Not yet.
“I’m taking a break from dating,” I said eventually. It was the only excuse I could think of.
Mari laughed under her breath. “That sounds like something I should consider.”
“Trouble in paradise?” I teased. Her face fell, and I immediately regretted speaking up when I knew things were shit with Dominic.“You don’t need to tell me anything, but I’m here if you want to.”
I was fishing, but who wouldn’t? Their dynamic wasn’t one I’d been around, and I wanted to understand it just as much as part of me wished I could join it.
“It’s complicated,” was her response.
That felt like an understatement. “Are you together? Dating, I mean.”
“Greyson and I are.” Her statement had a weight that told me what I already knew—they were forever. No matter what else, that would never change.
No mention of Dominic, though it didn’t surprise me. Remembering everything he’d said to her in the gym made me even angrier. He had a chance with her, a real chance, and he was throwing it away because she was dangerous enough to protect herself? That shit’s a gift. I was ready to beat the hell out of him myself, if only because I wanted that chance.
“Whatever he did, Dominic’s an idiot.”
A ghost of a smile lit her face, and I wanted to crow in victory. “He’s entitled to his opinion, just like I’m entitled not to like it.”
“He’s still a fucking idiot. Anyone who’s lucky enough to have you should show you off to the world.”
Mari’s brows tipped down in confusion, and I cursed myself. She didn’t deserve mixed signals. Thankfully, she didn’t call me on it.
“I’d better get upstairs.” She stood and flinched, her hand flying to her stomach.
Was she…?
Mari laughed, bright and happy, and I just stared. I’d never heard her laugh like that. I wanted her to do it again immediately. “Relax, I’m not pregnant. I just got shot.”
Are you fucking kidding me? The delivery was so blasé, like she was talking about the weather instead of a potentially deadly situation.
I shoved out of my chair and stalked over, moving her hand away so I could see. Relief nearly floored me at the sight of the hole in her bulletproof vest. “How the fuck did you get shot?”
“With a gun,” she deadpanned.
“Cute.”
Unstrapping the vest, I tossed it to the side so I could slide her shirt up. I got halfway up before I realized I probably should’ve asked first. Sheepish, I peeked up at her, grateful when she nodded for me to continue. And if I used my palms to touch a little more of her than I should have, who could blame me? Mari’s eyes were locked on mine, and while part of her look was heated, she was also assessing me. Wondering what the hell I was doing, most likely. I wanted to know too.
The bruise on her stomach was massive, and I was sure it would cover most of her abdomen by morning. I felt along her sides carefully, wincing sympathetically when she hissed at my prodding.
“Cracked at least two ribs, and you’ll be black and blue for a while, but nothing seems broken or bleeding.”
“Yippee.”
She was being flippant, but didn’t she know how bad it could’ve been? A few inches over, and it would’ve shattered her ribs. Any higher, and it could’ve bruised her lungs or worse. Ballistic vests stopped bullets, but they didn’t stop the damage.
“You’re lucky that’s all it did.” I rested my head gently on her stomach, trying to force myself to breathe, to not lose my mind. All I could think was, I was right. She was hurt, and I wasn’t there.
Even knowing that I should keep my distance, I didn’t move away. Never again. Never again was I letting Mari walk into battle without me.
Mari froze above me, watching me break apart at her feet. Sometimes it felt like she could read me like I knew she read Greyson. Like there was no part of me that she couldn’t unearth with a little time and some determination. It scared the hell out of me. There were things she’d kill me for if she knew. Mari was worth the risk, though. My angel.
For a long time, neither of us moved. Finally, fierce determination lit her face like she’d made some decision. She carded her hand through my hair softly before gripping it tightly. The burn slid through my veins, and I let out a long, slow breath to avoid outright moaning.
Fuck, that feels good.
I hadn’t been with anyone in almost a year, and the last woman I’d had in my bed was incredibly submissive. As a switch, I didn’t have a problem with that, but occasionally, I wanted to be the one put on their knees.
She tipped my head back and brushed her fingers gently over my temples and cheeks. “I’m okay, Nate. A little bruising never hurt anyone.”
I tried not to think too hard about the innuendo in that statement. “Let me bandage them for you.”
She shook her head. “Doc’s coming over to check us all out. He’ll do it.”
Right. I worked to fix her shirt while my brain reached for something else to say. “You never told me what happened earlier. Why were you so scared?”
“Cash threatened you.”
I froze with my hands halfway through dropping her shirt again. “What?”
“He left a note mentioning you and Grey specifically. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
This woman. Even though I’d made it clear that we couldn’t be anything, she still cared about me. Fought for me. Worried for me. It was more than anyone had done in a long time, and I was shocked at how good it felt. “Thank you for checking on me.”
Mari smiled, and I couldn’t help my own following. “I should get upstairs and shower before Doc gets here.”
I didn’t want her to go, even though I knew it was the right thing. The less time we spent together, the better. I stood, making sure not to brush against her too hard. The glazed look in her eyes told me she was hurting more than she let on.
“Right. I’m sure Doc will tell you this, but make sure to baby those ribs for a while so they can heal. I know you’ve got an image to uphold outside this house, but get one of those idiots to help you out if you need something around here.”
She stared at me for a long time, and again, I got the idea that I confused her. “What if they’re gone?”
“Then you call me.” I’d help her with whatever she needed.
“You’re a good friend, Nate.”
Rather than watching her leave, I took the coward’s way out and focused on my shoes instead.
I’d initially pushed her away to keep us both safe, but the more I learned, the more I knew distance wouldn’t change my feelings. The slight obsession that had started the day her car broke down had only gotten worse. I wanted her even if it damned us both.
I was halfway to the door to track her down and tell her that when the burner phone Tennessee had given me rang in my pocket. I didn’t look at the display as I fished it out, already knowing who it would be. The only person with the number and the very reason I shouldn’t consider doing anything with Mari, even if every part of me ached to.
There were too many secrets keeping us apart, and most of them were mine.
“Hey, Ma.”