Chapter 32
The Mods we rescued from Ice Canyon were taken to the valley, some of them housed together, others with current residents. I was relieved when I found out Tana would be staying with Seth and Beatriz. They’ve both been so kind to me.
When Luisa mentions she’s flying to the valley this morning, I invite myself along because I want to see Tana. I sit in the copilot’s seat, admiring the view.
“Your parents are wonderful,” I tell Luisa. “Every time I talk to Tana, she only has the nicest things to say about them.”
“Yeah, they’re pretty great.” There’s no mistaking the deep fondness in her voice.
“It’s good for her, being there with them.
” I hesitate. “Tana’s been through a lot.
I don’t know if she’s confided in anyone in the valley, but she went through something traumatic before she was sent to the mine.
Beyond that, it’s not my story to tell, but I figured your parents might want to be aware in case Tana ever seems depressed or withdrawn. ”
“My parents know all about traumatic experiences,” Luisa says sadly. “We survived the bombing at the Ridge.”
“I know. Your father told me.”
She reaches over to squeeze my shoulder. “You don’t need to worry about Tana. They’ll take care of her.”
Twenty minutes later, Tana and I leave Luisa and her parents to catch up in their cottage while the two of us take a walk through the valley. I was hoping she’d look better, healthier, but she’s as subdued as the last time I saw her. Skin dry and splotchy. Black curls tied back in a messy ponytail.
She doesn’t say much as we walk, but I don’t try to fill the silence. Tana and I have never been the kind of friends who shy away from the quiet.
As we near Gray’s aunt’s house, I spot Jenni sitting on the small porch with a tablet in her lap, her blond hair loose. When she notices us, she lifts her hand in an awkward wave. I feel equally uncomfortable as I wave back.
“You know Jenni?” Tana says.
“Not really. I met her once for about five minutes. She’s Gray’s aunt.” I wait until I’m sure she’s out of earshot before adding, “There’s some serious tension between them. I don’t think they’re close.”
Tana shrugs. “She talks about him all the time.”
I glance over in surprise. “Do you know her?”
“Not well, but I’ve spoken to her in the square before. She’s always going on about what a great pilot he is, how proud she is of him.”
We reach the pasture, where we stop to say hi to the horses.
“Have you ridden any of these guys yet?” I ask Tana.
“A few times. I go with Bea. She’s a good rider.”
I stare out at the lush green grass and the bales of hay dotting the pasture. “When we rescued you from the mine,” I say, keeping my gaze straight ahead. “You were right. Someone helped me.”
“It was him, wasn’t it? The Silver Block captain.”
I turn toward her now, but she’s expressionless. Impossible to read. “Yes,” I admit. “Cross.”
She nods slowly. “I saw the way you looked at him when he showed up that night at the inn. The way you spoke to each other.” A glimmer crosses her eyes, something dark and resentful. “How could you get involved with one of them?”
My heart squeezes. “It just…happened. But it’s over now.”
“Is it.”
Her cool tone stings. “It’s been over for months. I can’t live in his world. He can’t live in mine.” I swallow the lump in my throat. “It had to end.”
“Yes,” Tana says, some of her ice thawing. “It did.”
I break eye contact and shift back to the pasture, watching one of the mares bend her graceful head to chew on a tall blade of grass. “I miss Kelley,” I say, referring to my horse in Z.
“She was such a good horse,” Tana agrees, pushing her ponytail off her shoulder. As she does that, the sleeve of her sweater rides up, revealing her wrist.
“Your tattoos,” I blurt out.
“Huh? Oh. Yeah.” She rolls up her other sleeve, showing me both wrists. “Brion, the healer here in the valley, got rid of them for me.” Sarcasm creeps into her voice. “Removed all the evidence that I was ever a Company slave.”
“I…I really thought I was doing the right thing when I convinced Cross to sentence you and Griff to labor. You were sentenced to die, Tan.”
She shrugs. “I’m grateful that you got my dad out of a death sentence.”
That gives me pause. “Just your dad?”
“What do you want me to say, that you should have let them kill me? Because…yes. You should’ve.”
“Don’t say that.”
She brushes me off, stalking down the path again. I hurry after her, but she only picks up her pace, until we’re both practically sprinting.
“Stop. Tana, stop, please.”
She stops, reluctantly turning to face me. “What?”
I bite the inside of my cheek, unsure how to proceed. “You don’t really want to die, do you?”
“You don’t get it. I’m already dead.” She shakes her head at me, then touches her left breast, right above her heart. “I’m dead inside, Wren. I feel nothing. Not a fucking thing. I haven’t felt anything since that night.”
I want to know more, but I’m afraid to ask. I’m afraid to hear the answers. But Tana and I have known each other since we were children. She can read my mind even without reading my actual mind.
“Yes,” she tells me. Dull. Emotionless. “The answer is yes.”
Bile burns my throat. I wish Anson were still alive so I could put that bullet between his eyes myself.
“Do you know he laughed when he found out I’d never been with a man?” she continues, her voice taking on a faraway note. “It was funny to him. He was happy to be the first.”
I reach for her, but she shrugs my hand away like it burned her.
“Tana…” I can’t get any more words out. It feels like there are rocks lodged in my windpipe. I gulp, trying to find my voice. “I know you’re hurting. But I’m here. You can talk to me. Please.”
“There’s nothing to talk about. I’m not the person you used to know. Not even close.”
“You don’t have to be who you were,” I say softly. “Just be you. The you who’s still alive. The you who can always count on me.”
She laughs harshly. “I don’t know if I want to be this me, either. I hate knowing how weak I am.”
“You’re not weak.”
“I never used to think I was. And then that night…I was too weak to fight him.”
“You killed him,” I remind her.
“Not fast enough,” she mutters. “I had to wait until he was distracted. Until he was…”
My stomach churns. “I’m so sorry.”
“I just…don’t know how to feel things anymore.”
Her expression is awash with sorrow. With exhaustion. With pain. I feel like I’m watching my best friend drown. She’s being pulled under the water and I’m standing on the shore, unable to get to her.
“I know I can’t fix this for you,” I say. “But I promise I’m not going anywhere. We’ve known each other since we were eight years old. You’re my closest friend in this entire world, on this shitty, godforsaken Continent. You can give up on yourself if you want, but I won’t.”
Her bottom lip quivers, and I see the moisture clinging to her lashes. “What if I’m broken beyond repair?”
“You’re not. You might have some cracks, but you’re not broken. You’re still in one piece. You put a bullet in that psychopath’s head. You’re a warrior, Tana.”
She brings her gaze back to mine, a weak smile playing at the corners of her mouth.
“That’s right,” I tell her. “You can smile at that, because it’s the truth. You’re so much stronger than you think, and I’m not giving up on you. Ever.”
After dinner, I stop by Kallister’s quarters to read more of my mother’s file.
I took a pause after Cross and I ended things, because it was too hard to concentrate while nursing a shattered heart, and though my heart is no closer to being healed, these days I’m forcing myself to just…
keep living my life. My talk with Tana, however painful, left me rejuvenated.
Determined to follow my own advice. I might not have Cross anymore, but I’m not broken, either.
I’m at the Dagger for a reason, and it’s time I remember that.
I start off easy today, though. The dossier includes all of my mother’s transcripts from upper school, including test scores, personal essays, an entire history paper about the Lost Continents. I skim those instead of getting right into the meatier files.
“You said you went to school with my mom?” I ask Kallister, who’s in his armchair, reading a book on his tablet. I’m sitting in the living room with him today.
“I did, yes.”
“What was she like in school?”
He leans back, thinking it over. “Stubborn. Very opinionated. She liked to debate you on issues.”
“Yeah?”
“Oh yeah. Marina was very passionate when she believed in something. In hindsight, it was probably obvious she was going to end up working for the Company.”
“Why is that?”
“She was very critical of President Severn.”
“Did you ever meet her father? My grandfather? Her bio says he served with Severn.”
“No. To be honest, my brother was closer with Marina and Jake than I was. I spent all my free time with my girlfriend.”
At the mention of my father, I hesitate, biting my lip. The Serrano file doesn’t contain a ton of information about Jake Hess, but the stuff that is there only raises more questions in my mind.
“Jake’s military records included a section about his marital history,” I finally say. “It said something about a first wife?”
Kallister nods. “Cecilia. And before you ask, I have no idea where she is or what happened to her.”
“How is that possible? We live in a surveillance state. Nobody can just…disappear.”
“Cecilia Carpenter sure as fuck did.” He chuckles softly. “Speaking of other opinionated women. Your father, it seems, had a type.”
“Did you know her?”
“Not well. She was a couple of years behind us in school. From what I did see of her, she was a feisty one.”
I resume my reading, but it’s hard to concentrate on pointless school assignments. I’ve been avoiding reading her interrogation files, but if I’m to truly understand my mother and why she did what she did, maybe it’s time to skip ahead to the more important documents.