Chapter 41
The room tilts on its axis.
“You did?” I say as my heart does flips inside my chest. I stare at my feet, afraid to see his expression. “Why?”
“It’s been over for a while. We always seem to drift back to each other when we’re bored and then it fades. I’m tired of that cycle. Time to move on.”
“Makes sense.”
“That, and I have feelings for you, too.”
I freeze.
When I lift my head, he’s grinning at me.
He moves closer. The air feels charged. Alive. He cups my face with one hand, his thumb scraping the side of my jaw, eliciting a shiver. Then he leans in, just slightly, and the feel of his breath tickling my lips sends ripples of heat through me.
Tension coils in my body, mingling with anticipation and maybe a drop of unease. I draw a deep breath, and his gaze flits to the rise of my breasts beneath my shirt.
His lips curve in an almost imperceptible smile. He knows the effect he’s having on me. He feels it, too, this current of electricity coursing between us, dangerously close to snapping.
“Been wanting to kiss you again since the night at the Command base.” His voice is full of gravel and need.
He lets the confession hang between us.
I lick my lips, and his gaze drops to my mouth. Eyes flaring.
“What do you think? Should I kiss you again?”
It’s not quite a challenge, not quite a plea.
My heart hammers wildly against my ribs. “I think maybe you should.”
He grins, fingertips tracing my cheek, sliding down my neck. But he doesn’t kiss me. He keeps watching me, and now I’m wild with impatience, breathing a little faster.
He’s enjoying this. The buildup. The teasing.
Several seconds tick by. I bite my lip, my frustration mounting.
“Gray. For fuck’s sake, please.”
Laughing softly, he curls his hand around the back of my neck and brings my mouth to his.
The kiss is deep, urgent, and at the same time, there’s a tenderness to it, as if we’re both savoring the moment. His hands slide up my back, and I respond, tugging him closer to me, matching his intensity with my own.
I bunch the fabric of his shirt in my fingers. With a husky noise, he threads his fingers through my hair and deepens the kiss, his tongue slipping out to taste mine. My heart is racing. It’s been a while since I’ve been kissed like this. Not since—
I push the memory from my mind. I don’t want to think about that.
I want to lose myself in this moment, in the warmth of his lips and the way his hands are now sliding down the bumps of my spine to curl around my waist, pulling my body flush with his. I swallow a moan when I feel the hard ridge of his arousal pressed against my belly.
“Never wanted anybody the way I want you,” he mumbles.
We’re both breathless, yet we can’t seem to stop kissing.
Gray pushes me backward until my shoulders collide with the wall.
Heat pools low in my belly, settling as an ache between my legs.
My breasts are straining against my shirt, nipples beaded into tight buds.
I want my clothes off. I want his clothes off. I want him.
It takes all my willpower to pull back. I’ve been trying so hard to think before I act these days, to wrangle my impulsive tendencies, and other than going rogue during the Ice Canyon rescue, I’ve been doing well at controlling myself. My abilities and my emotions.
So as my breath comes out in quick bursts and my heart continues to hammer in my chest, as my fingers fist the fabric of his shirt, and my knees go weak with desire, I force myself to take a step back. And then another one.
“I want this,” I tell him, my voice sounding lustful and throaty to my ears. “I promise you, I want it.”
“But?”
“But if we’re going to…do this…” I swallow. “It needs to be slow. Disgustingly slow.”
His lips curve again. “Okay.”
“I’m just scared that if we jump into this too fast, I’ll…” I trail off, biting my lip.
“You’ll what?” he says gruffly.
“Hurt you.”
Gray’s eyes take on a wry glint. “Funny, because I’m worried about the same thing.”
“You are?”
He bridges the distance I tried to place between us, lacing his long fingers through mine. “I’m not good at relationships. As Karra can attest.”
“I think I might be bad at them, too,” I confess. “And I think if I jump into bed with you, part of me is going to feel like I’m using you, or like it’s just a rebound, and I don’t want that.”
“Nah, you can use me. Please, use me.”
I choke out a laugh. “No.”
He rubs the center of my palm with his thumb.
“Are you grounding me right now?” I demand.
“No. I’m just holding your hand.” He keeps stroking. “And you don’t have to stress about this. Slow is perfect. I can do slow.”
Our gazes lock and my desire rushes back, seizing my core and making me take another breath. Again, I will it away. I’m not just afraid that I’d be using him. I’m afraid of lighting a match to a friendship that means so much to me, all because my heart isn’t ready to fully invest yet.
“I’ve been trying so hard,” I admit, hating the sliver of vulnerability in my voice. “To be less impulsive.”
“I’ve noticed.”
“I think being sheltered by Jim created this monster inside me. This need to prove myself and show that I don’t need protection, that I can run headlong into danger and come out victorious.
But I need to start weighing my actions before I act on them.
And I don’t want you to be a distraction for me, or to fill some space that… someone else left behind.”
Gray’s jaw tics slightly. He knows who I mean. Then he relaxes, his thumb stroking the curve of my wrist. “You don’t need to keep explaining. I get it. If you want to make out with our clothes on for the next year, I’m game—”
“A year? I mean, I’m not game with that,” I squawk, and he starts to laugh.
“All I’m saying is, you’re not offending me or hurting me by taking your time. I want the same thing. Keen?”
My throat constricts with emotion. I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear him say that. “Keen.”
I wake up the next morning and wait for the guilt to rush in.
I kissed Grayson Blake last night.
With tongue.
A lot of tongue.
That should feel like a betrayal to Cross, but…it doesn’t. Yet at the same time, it hasn’t erased my feelings for him, either. I know I’m still in love with him.
But I also know it’s time to let go.
It’s been months since he asked me to run away with him and I said no. I made my choice. I’m moving on. He’s moving on. With Ivy of all people.
Fine, there’s no proof of that, other than a vague transmission of Ivy asking to talk about their relationship. I’d like to think he wouldn’t move on so fast, but I kissed someone else yesterday, so…
In the mess hall, we sit with the usual crew.
Gray winks at me when I slide into the chair beside him.
I give him a look that says stop and dig into my breakfast. It’s scrambled eggs and real bacon.
He leans over and steals a piece of bacon from my plate, popping it into his mouth. I punch him in the arm.
“Eat your own food.”
I don’t think we’re giving away that we had our tongues down each other’s throats last night, but I don’t miss the smirk that appears on Henley’s lips as he glances between us.
Then Mako does as well, his head swiveling from me to Gray. “You hooked up,” he accuses.
“No, of course not,” I lie.
He gasps as if I had confirmed rather than denied it. “Does Karra know?”
His gaze immediately searches the room. Karra and Evlynne aren’t here yet, and I sort of hope neither of them comes to breakfast today.
I get my wish. The rest of the meal goes by without incident, and then I’m off to the range to work with the newcomers from the labor camp. Afterward, I meet Hawkins in the Temple. I’ve been slacking on my training, and Kallister chided me about it last night.
When it comes to incitement, Hawkins is one of the few people I can be completely honest with. Which is kind of depressing because, well, he’s kind of terrifying.
Today, he’s explaining the best techniques to maintain an energy leash over longer distances. So far, I’ve tried to incite at a distance only once, when Evlynne’s helicopter was flying away, and that was a dismal failure.
“What’s the best you’ve managed?” I ask Hawkins.
He thinks it over. “During my training, I incited Kallister to walk all the way to the aviary.”
Whoa. My jaw drops. “That’s almost a mile away.”
Now I see why he’s feared. He’s much stronger than me.
“Are you still practicing with Blake?” he asks.
“Who else would I be practicing with? Gray is the only one who will let me.”
“Yeah. I wish we had more rats.”
“Maybe if you stopped calling them rats, they’d be more inclined to help you…”
He scoffs. “Nobody wants an inciter in their head, Darlington. Doesn’t matter what you call them.”
When I’m leaving the Temple a few minutes later, I receive a message on my comm from Gray.
Busy tonight?
I smile at the question, because what plans could I possibly have? We’re fairly limited with what we can do here at the Dagger.
I respond with:
Not in the slightest. I’m all yours.
I realize at the last second how flirtatious that sounded. Of course, he pounces.
Every part of you?
Well, maybe just my fist when I smash it in your face.
Stop talking dirty to me, cowgirl. I’m trying to fly a plane.
I laugh to myself and type another inquiry.
So what are we doing tonight?