6. Bergkerk confessional
CHAPTER 6
Bergkerk confessional
GRONIGEN, NETHERLANDS
THAT SAME DAY
“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been three days since my last confession.
These are my sins.
Father, I have killed a man.
The burden on my soul is growing as I endeavor to follow Your path for me.
I thought, after Algeria, I understood Your plan.
But, I realize, that was prideful of me.
Here I kneel, as broken a beast as Farid and his ilk, more blood on my hands, my soul.
I swear to You I was patient, Father.
I waited. I learned. I tried to teach Your word, but my parishioner wouldn’t listen.
The Church has thrown me into this tiny town in the vain hope that I will fade into the background. None of my other placements have worked, despite my striving to fit in and to be the best priest I can be to Your flock. But people are weak and the penances I request of them can be demanding. I am not a popular man, for popularity is not what I seek. It is the purity of their souls that I wish to shield.
The Church says I ask too much of my parishioners. That in this day and age, I should not be so hasty when the number of worshippers is diminishing, but I know no other way.
Keeping sane in Oran depended on my steadfastness.
But despite the harshness of my teachings, I failed.
In the eyes of the Church, to be homosexual is a sin. Yet I do not believe this. I do not believe You could ever view love as a sin. In this harsh, cruel world, love is a divine gift.
I told my parishioner this.
Dirk came to me for conversion therapy, but I could not offer him aid. I told him to open his heart to the man he is. To embrace his true self and to share this truth with his family before he could hurt them with his lies.
He did not return to my church for eight months.
When he did, it was to repent his use of a prostitute.
His beating of said prostitute, to be more precise.
I absolved him.
Father forgive me, but I did.
I believed him when he said he would speak with his wife, that he would be open and honest with his sons at long last.
He lied to me.
I did not see him again for four more months.
Yesterday, he knelt in my confessional and confessed his sins—he killed a boy.
A boy he used.
He was no better than Farid.
He sobbed his way through confession, but his biggest fear was for himself.
His soul was not penitent.
In this, we are both hypocrites. That You do not smite me for this sin as I lay myself prostrate before You tells me that I truly have found my way onto the path You want for me.
I delivered him unto You, Father, for Your judgment.
The boy attempted to blackmail him and he ended the threat.
Another innocent died because I failed You, but I will not fail You again.
I will be swifter to act in the future.
No more innocents will pass on my watch. I will act as Your hand on earth and ensure the safety of Your flock.
My soul is penitent for the acts I must commit, and if my end is in the fiery pits of Hell, then so it must be.
I am not a good man, but I am Your man, and this honor is one I will not take lightly.
May Your mercy endure forever, even if this is the nearest I will ever be to Your grace.
Amen.”