Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
STERLING
T he meeting broke up, none of the men in the room looking happy with the outcome. Tough luck.
Hawk was the first to go. I followed him into the hall, leaving Griffen and Forrest behind.
“Hawk, hold on a second,” I called after him.
He waited for me to catch up. With his arms at his sides and a welcoming light in his dark eyes, he wasn’t the intimidating security chief from Griffen’s office. He was my brother’s best friend and my sister Quinn’s partner. And after all we’d been through in the last year, I thought he was my friend, too.
“Are you okay?” His eyes darted to Griffen’s door and back to me.
“I guess,” I said, not sure how to answer.
Did he mean, was I okay about the Learys stalking me for my code-breaking brain? If I was being honest, I was fine with it, probably because it hadn’t really sunk in yet. I was used to people wanting me because I was a Sawyer, or because I was pretty, or because I had big boobs and a nice ass. People wanting me for what my brain could do didn’t feel real.
Or was Hawk talking about Forrest? That was another thing I wasn’t really dealing with. “Yeah, I’m fine,” I said. “I wanted to ask—does this mean anything to you?” I pulled the mint tin out of my purse, still surprised Forrest had let me keep it. I opened it, handing Hawk the card inside.
Hawk studied it with his dark, serious eyes for at least a minute, turning the card over and flipping it upside down before handing it back. “I wish it did. You can’t tell what kind of cipher it is?”
“Not so far,” I said. “But there’s something about it. I feel like the pieces are connected, but they won’t fit together. Does that make sense?”
“Kind of,” Hawk said. “But not enough to help.” Changing the subject, he said, “Do you have a minute?”
“Sure.” I hadn’t planned to go to work today, and Forrest and I hadn’t discussed what came next. If Hawk wanted some of my time, well, for him, I had all the time in the world.
“I want to show you something,” he said, turning and heading for the front door of the Manor.
I fell into step beside him.
“You know,” he said as we walked down the front steps, “I have a friend in Atlanta. He’s working at Sinclair Security. Emmett Blake. You met him as Jay Reynolds.”
“You mean the guy who kidnapped Quinn and then disappeared?” I asked, intrigued that Hawk was bringing up the mysterious Jay/Emmett. Quinn had asked me to let it go when I’d demanded to know why her kidnapper hadn’t been arrested. I didn’t know the whole story and doubted I ever would, but now that Hawk was bringing him up, I was dying of curiosity. On brand for Hawk, he didn’t go into detail.
“It’s a long story,” he said, bypassing all the juicy stuff, “but Emmett is with Sinclair Security now, working for Lucas Jackson. Emmett knows a lot about ciphers and code-breaking. If you can’t figure it out, let me know, and I’ll connect you.”
“Okay, sure.” I hadn’t thought about enlisting the brainiac spy types at Sinclair Security. For one thing, they were crazy expensive, and I didn’t have much cash of my own. And for another, I wanted to do this myself.
I followed Hawk down the drive and then to the gravel path that led to the front door of the gatehouse. Once inside, we were greeted by a loud, demanding meep.
“Leo!” I called out to my sister Quinn’s attack cat, a massive Maine Coon that looked like a bobcat but was very much a house cat. Leo came to his feet with a stretch, landed on the floor with a thud, and sauntered over to Hawk, rubbing against his legs but dodging Hawk’s attempt to pick him up.
“Attitude,” Hawk said with an amused curl of his lips. “I left him alone all morning, and now he’s going to make me pay.”
“Well, he is a cat,” I said, scooping Leo up and draping him over my shoulder.
I was used to Shadow, who was a fraction of the size of Leo. The two cats had cohabitated at Heartstone while Parker was redoing the gatehouse. I’d been afraid Leo would eat my baby Shadow, but instead, they’d become fast friends.
“You’ll have to bring this guy over for a playdate,” I said, and Hawk just shook his head.
“Not today. Soon. Stay there. I’ll be right back,” he ordered.
I watched him jog up the stairs to their bedroom on the second floor. Eventually, I suspected they’d let Parker renovate the other side of the gatehouse. But for now, this side—the one they actually lived in—was perfect.
When Hawk moved to Heartstone, the inside of the gatehouse had been stuck in the fifties, decorated with mouse droppings and cobwebs. Hawk had resisted Parker’s efforts to renovate until Quinn moved in, and a busted pipe flooded the place. Hawk hadn’t cared about a nice living space for himself, but he’d wanted it for Quinn.
I thought he was happy with the result. The renovated space looked as if it had grown from the woods surrounding the Manor. Shades of green adorned the walls, the furniture mostly wood, upholstered in soft fabrics in browns and grays with hints of sapphire, reminding me of the forest on a summer day. It fit Quinn to perfection.
Upstairs, Parker had turned two bedrooms and a tiny bath into a sumptuous suite complete with a walk-in closet I knew Hawk and Quinn would never fill. They were two peas in a pod when it came to that: ten thousand pairs of technical hiking pants, and I doubted they owned a set of formal wear between them.
Hawk came jogging back down the stairs, his hands empty. He came to a stop in front of me and said, “I’ll trade you.” Digging in his pocket, he pulled something out and shoved it in my hand as he lifted Leo from my arms.
I uncurled my fingers to find myself holding a deep blue velvet box. A jewelry box. A stab of excitement fired through me. My heart pounded as I looked up at Hawk, my eyes wide.“Are you—” I began, but he interrupted.
“Quinn and I talked about this, but it doesn’t feel real without the ring. I saw this, and it said Quinn to me, but I want your opinion first,” he said with an earnestness that brought tears to my eyes.
Hawk, who never asked for anything, wanted my input on something so important. My throat tightened as I flicked the box open to find a ring that proved this man knew my sister Quinn like no one ever had or would. It was delicate, white gold with leaves carved into the band, a diamond flanked by two small emeralds.
“It’s absolutely beautiful and perfectly Quinn,” I said, feeling a hot tear spill onto my cheek. “She’s going to love it almost as much as she loves you.”
Hawk’s cheeks flushed, and he cleared his throat. “That’s what I hoped you’d say.”
“She’ll love the ring,” I assured him. “But I think you were set when you gave her Ginger.”
Hawk’s face cracked into a wide smile. He didn’t smile much, but when he did, it was like the sun coming out from behind a cloud. “She does like her dog,” he agreed.
Quinn had sworn up and down that she didn’t want a purebred dog, even a gorgeous Belgian Malinois. And she definitely didn’t need an overpriced guard dog. But Ginger was not overpriced. She cost exactly as much as a perfectly trained animal would. She was sharp and protective and head over heels in love with Quinn.
“I’m a lot more relaxed about her leading hikes with strangers when she’s got Ginger with her,” Hawk admitted. “I know she agreed to Ginger to humor me, but it worked out pretty well.”
Pretty well was an understatement. When Hawk’s friend, Remy, had arrived with Ginger, Quinn had taken one look and fallen for her new dog.
I closed the box and handed Hawk back the ring. “When are you going to ask her? Do you have a date in mind for the wedding?”
He rolled his shoulders, resettling Leo after shoving the ring box in his pocket. “When I’m done building that arbor in the clearing where she used to sleep in her hammock. I want to marry her there. After I get the arbor built, at that point, it’s up to Quinn. I don’t need a lot of fuss. I just want her.”
“I think she feels the same,” I said. “But listen, I may have retired from the inn, but I am a pro at event planning. Seriously. You want any help? You just let me know.”
“I’ll have to talk to Quinn, but I’m pretty sure we’re going to dump the whole thing in your lap,” he said.
“I would love it if you did,” I said, bouncing on my toes a little as I imagined it. Flowers in the trees, wispy tulle garlands, and fairy lights woven through the branches. “I could make the most perfect Quinn and Hawk wedding in the woods. I swear. You’ll love it.”
“I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t think I would,” he said.
We shared a smile of perfect accord. If I could have custom ordered a man for my sister, I couldn’t have done better than Hawk Bristol.
“I’m going to work on that code,” I said, “and see what I can figure out. But if I can’t crack it, I might ask you to put me in touch with Emmett. I’m assuming I can trust him.”
Hawk just nodded.
It was a waste of a question. I already knew Hawk wouldn’t connect me with anyone he didn’t trust. He saw me not just as his friend but as a little sister, so I was surprised when he asked, “Are you back with Powell?” and didn’t glower at me.
I shrugged, suddenly uncomfortable. Having relationship talks with anybody was unusual for me. Definitely not with Hawk. Sometimes with Quinn or Parker, a little with Hope, maybe, but not Hawk.
“No,” I said firmly. “Definitely not.” A flash of the night before seared my brain—Forrest’s hot eyes, his growly voice. Pinch your nipples. I shook my head, half in denial and half trying to fling the mental image away. “Definitely not,” I repeated.
“Why?” Hawk asked, and I stopped.
“Because he lied to me,” I replied.
Hawk crossed his arms over his chest and nodded. “Yeah, he did. It was a massive fuckup, for sure.”
“You think I should get back together with a man who lied to me about who he was? Who used me?” I trusted Hawk more than I trusted almost anyone on the planet. I thought he hated Forrest. I hadn’t been expecting this.
Hawk shook his head slowly, then lifted one shoulder and dropped it in a half shrug. “Are you still in love with him?” he asked, surprising me again.
I tried to say no. I opened my mouth, and the word refused to come out. “Fuck,” I muttered under my breath.
“Yeah,” Hawk agreed. “Fuck.” He shook his head. “It’s been a year, Sterling.”
“I know it’s been a year,” I said, not trying to hide my irritation. I didn’t need Hawk to tell me how long it had been.
“Hey, don’t get mad at me,” he said. Leo shifted, restless, and Hawk put him down.“I’m just saying, the man loves you. He stayed in town, hoping that you’d give him another shot. He’s been there every time you’ve needed someone. He hasn’t pushed, but he’s been here.” He shrugged and lifted his hands up in question. “Is he going to lie to you again? My gut says no. But the truth is, it’s always a risk. None of us are perfect, right?”
His words were cracking something open inside me, breaking the carefully constructed wall I’d put up around the idea of Forrest. I couldn’t argue with what Hawk was saying. I was at the top of the list of people who weren’t perfect.
“The only question here is, do you love him?”
I took a slow breath and let it out in a huff. “I don’t want to love him,” I admitted.
His mouth quirked into a half smile. “Maybe not,” he said softly. “Love isn’t a choice… But at the same time, it is.”
I couldn’t help laughing. “Oh my God. Seriously, are you turning into Mountain Sage Guy with the wise advice? I don’t even know what that means.”
“Maybe that would be your sister’s influence,” he said with a flash of a smile. “But what I mean is we don’t always choose who we love, but we can choose what we do about it. If you don’t love him, that’s one thing. You don’t owe him a goddamn thing, especially after the way he lied. So, if you don’t love him, fuck him.”
I thought to myself, I did but didn’t say it out loud. There was only so much Hawk needed to know.
“But if you do love him,” he continued, “you might want to consider whether he’s paid for what he did. Whether he deserves a second chance.” He shifted, shoving his hands in his pockets. He rolled his shoulders back and met my eyes. “This is me paying it forward because I have a lot of fuckups under my belt, way more than your man, and I thought I didn’t deserve anything good out of life. Your sister helped me understand that I can’t undo the past. I can only make better choices going forward.” Hawk crossed his arms over his chest. “I look at your man in there, and I see someone I understand. He fucked up good, no excuses. But he hasn’t made any. He’s only said he’s sorry and waited. And I think you still love him. I can’t see inside your head, but I know you pretty well, Sterling. I have to wonder, why aren’t you back together with him?”
It was my turn to shift awkwardly, crossing my arms over my chest and then shoving them in my pockets in a mirror of Hawk’s stance. “Because I’m scared, all right?” I confessed. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Follow your gut,” Hawk advised.
“My gut is terrified,” I spat out, hating to admit being scared, but it was true. “And my gut doesn’t know what it wants. I can’t go through that again.”
Hawk nodded sagely. “I get that. It’s okay to be scared, but you’re braver than you know. You’re brave enough to reach for what you want. So why not him?”
“That’s a bunch of bullshit,” I retorted. “I’m not brave.”
“The hell you aren’t,” he countered. “What’s with all those coding classes you’re acing? Just for fun? Or are you reinventing yourself?”
I stared at Hawk, completely taken aback. “How did you know?” I demanded. “Are you spying on me? Dude, that’s creepy.”
Hawk laughed. “Not spying on you,” he assured me. “I’d apologize for the invasion of privacy, but I didn’t have a choice. Remember the night the security system went crazy?”
Who could forget? Alarms had been going off right and left as if an army had descended on Heartstone Manor. But every time they checked, no one had been out there. And then I understood. “You had to comb through everything going in and out of the servers to track down the problem?”
Hawk nodded in confirmation.
“And you saw all the traffic to and from the coding classes?”
“Yeah,” he said with a grin. “I swear I wasn’t spying on you, but then I saw what you were up to, and I spied a little. You’re really good. It’s not my area. I know enough to get by, but you’re speeding through the program. I’m assuming you’re planning to do something with it.”
“I’d like to,” I admitted. “It feels right. It makes sense. I feel…powerful. I can do things, you know, not just throw a party or put together a cute outfit. I can make things happen, things other people don’t know how to do.”
That sunshine grin flashed across Hawk’s face again. “That’s what I mean. You’re brave, Sterling. I’m not telling you to get back together with Powell; I’m just saying you deserve to be happy. I think he probably deserves it, too. Trust yourself. If he fucks up, your family will be here for you. Always.”
I shook my head, not sure I agreed with Hawk about any of it. I didn’t feel brave. And while I was probably still in love with Forrest, I wasn’t sure I trusted either of us enough to do anything about it. “I’ll think about it.”
Hawk gave a solemn nod, then added, “If you can’t crack that code, you should go to Atlanta. Talk to Emmett in person. And while you’re there, Lucas Jackson.”
“Why Lucas?” I asked, curious. I’d seen Lucas from a distance when he came to go over his system after the night everything had gone haywire, but I’d never talked to him.
“Because you’re not just good at coding, you’re good at code-breaking—two different things that aren’t actually that far apart. And if you’re interested in both, once you learn the things you need to know, Lucas will probably have some work for you. And between them, Lucas and Emmett can tell you how to learn the things you don’t know and can’t learn in those online coding classes. You follow me?”
I thought I did, and the idea of not just knowing how to write programs—not just shaping the code to create my visions but getting into cybersecurity—sent a thrill through my heart. “You think I could do that?”
“Oh, yeah,” he said. “Whenever you’re ready, give me a heads-up.”
“Thanks, Hawk.”
“Anything for you, Sterling. Soon enough, you’re going to be my little sister for real. And if your guy messes up again, let me know. I’d be more than happy to beat him up for you.”
“You’re the best,” I said, leaning in to give him a tight hug.
He went stiff for a microsecond before those big arms came around me, and an awkward pat landed in the middle of my back.
I headed for the door and then turned. “Hey! You never said when you were going to ask her.”
“Soon,” Hawk said, his dark eyes lit from within. “Soon. Thanks for, you know.” He patted his pocket where the ring lay safe until he was ready to give it to Quinn.
“Any time,” I said. “You just let me know when I can get started with wedding planning.”
“I’ll keep you posted,” he said, scooping up Leo once more and following me to the door.
I skipped down the steps of the gatehouse, my heart light, my head spinning with ideas. So many things I hadn’t thought of. It hadn’t occurred to me to ask Hawk to talk to the guys at Sinclair Security. It hadn’t occurred to me that Hawk would speak up for Forrest.
It hadn’t occurred to me that I was brave.
Hawk was one of the bravest people I knew. And if he thought I was, too, maybe it was time I did some reevaluating. Maybe it was time to take a risk and see how brave I really was.